TED 演讲：你的伴侣是「the one」？这个问题问错了
字幕摘录
| 时间 | 英文 | 中文 |
|---|---|---|
| 0:03 | Around 500 years ago, Erasmus told us that prevention was better than cure. | 大约500年前,伊拉斯谟告诉我们,预防比治疗更好。 |
| 0:10 | Now that might seem forward-thinking, | 现在,这似乎 向前思考, |
| 0:12 | but when blood-sucking leeches are the best cure you've got at your disposal, | 但当吸血的水蚤是最好的治疗方法 你可以得到的, |
| 0:16 | while you're hanging around waiting from the work, | 当你在等待着工作, |
| 0:19 | you've got to start to wonder why this clearly bizarre treatment | 你总得开始想知道 为什么这显然是奇怪的治疗 |
| 0:22 | was needed in the first place. | 一开始需要的 |
| 0:25 | And I'm going to propose that preventing long-term relationship breakdown | 我提议防止长期关系破裂 |
| 0:31 | is as important as preventing serious illness. | 与预防严重疾病同样重要。 |
| 0:34 | I'm going to suggest that the way we see romantic love, | 我建议我们看浪漫爱情的方式 |
| 0:39 | and in particular finding the one, is a big part of that problem. | 特别是找到一个,是这个问题的一大部分。 |
展开字幕全文（218 条）
| 序号 | 英文 | 中文 |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Around 500 years ago, Erasmus told us that prevention was better than cure. | 大约500年前,伊拉斯谟告诉我们,预防比治疗更好。 |
| 2 | Now that might seem forward-thinking, | 现在,这似乎 向前思考, |
| 3 | but when blood-sucking leeches are the best cure you've got at your disposal, | 但当吸血的水蚤是最好的治疗方法 你可以得到的, |
| 4 | while you're hanging around waiting from the work, | 当你在等待着工作, |
| 5 | you've got to start to wonder why this clearly bizarre treatment | 你总得开始想知道 为什么这显然是奇怪的治疗 |
| 6 | was needed in the first place. | 一开始需要的 |
| 7 | And I'm going to propose that preventing long-term relationship breakdown | 我提议防止长期关系破裂 |
| 8 | is as important as preventing serious illness. | 与预防严重疾病同样重要。 |
| 9 | I'm going to suggest that the way we see romantic love, | 我建议我们看浪漫爱情的方式 |
| 10 | and in particular finding the one, is a big part of that problem. | 特别是找到一个,是这个问题的一大部分。 |
| 11 | So, in my 20 years of working with couples, | 因此,在我的20年工作 夫妇, |
| 12 | I've come to see a relationship breakdown | 我是来看恋爱破裂的 |
| 13 | as being the result of an inability to overcome | 由于无法克服 |
| 14 | an emerging mismatch in the relationship. | 关系出现错配 |
| 15 | Now, why do I use that word mismatch? | 现在,我为什么要使用这个词不匹配? |
| 16 | Well, it steps around an issue that can otherwise hijack therapy. | 它会绕过一个问题 否则会劫持治疗。 |
| 17 | The question of who is to blame, | 由谁负责的问题 |
| 18 | which of course is the other person. | 那当然是另一个人 |
| 19 | And this approach allows me to then focus on making or remaking the match. | 这种方法允许我专注于制作或重新制作比赛。 |
| 20 | But that got me wondering, | 但是,这让我想, |
| 21 | so when does the mismatch begin? | 那么不匹配什么时候开始? |
| 22 | If prevention is the goal, when does the problem take hold? | 如果预防是目标,问题何时才能解决? |
| 23 | I found that if I looked back, the majority of the time, | 我发现如果我回头看 大多数时候 |
| 24 | I could trace it to before that couple actually even committed, | 我可以追踪到它 之前,那对夫妇甚至真的犯罪, |
| 25 | before they married, before they had children. | 在他们结婚之前, 在他们有孩子之前。 |
| 26 | For example, one of the more significant predictors of divorce | 例如,最重要的离婚预测者之一 |
| 27 | is how long a couple date before the marriage proposal. | 离求婚还有多久 |
| 28 | In a 2015 US study of 3,100 people, | 在2015年美国对3100人的研究中, |
| 29 | they found that if the couple waited one to two years, | 他们发现,如果夫妇等待一到两年, |
| 30 | there was a 21% reduced likelihood of divorce, | 离婚的可能性下降了21%, |
| 31 | compared to if they proposed in less than 12 months. | 相比之下,如果在不到12个月内提出。 |
| 32 | But if you waited three and a half years | 不过如果你等了三年半 |
| 33 | until the infatuation was well and truly over, | 直到迷恋彻底结束 |
| 34 | then the likelihood of divorce was reduced by a massive 48%. | 然后离婚的可能性下降了48%。 |
| 35 | So, my daughter, a dating coach, and I wrote a book | 所以,我女儿,一个约会教练, 我写了一本书 |
| 36 | about how to choose your partner. | 如何选择你的搭档。 |
| 37 | It was an exhaustive psychological review on how to make an informed decision. | 这是关于如何作出知情决定的详尽的心理审查。 |
| 38 | When that book came out recently, | 最近那本书出来的时候 |
| 39 | what everybody wanted to talk about, media and readers alike, | 每个人都想谈的,媒体和读者, |
| 40 | was a preference for not choosing the one, but finding them, | 宁可不选择,但找到他们, |
| 41 | through the admittedly romantic process, | 通过浪漫的过程, |
| 42 | but it was a spectacularly passive process of falling in love. | 但它是一个非常被动的过程 坠入爱河。 |
| 43 | Why? | 为什么? |
| 44 | Well, my take on it is that we would rather see | 好吧,我的假设是,我们宁愿看到 |
| 45 | the process of romantic love bring the one to us, | 浪漫爱情的过程 带给我们一个, |
| 46 | rather than slowing down and evaluating in an informed way | 而不是以知情的方式减缓和评估 |
| 47 | whether or not they're a good match for us. | 不管他们是否适合我们 |
| 48 | When I looked at a deeper level, at a less conscious level, | 当我看一个更深层次, 一个不太有意识的水平, |
| 49 | I saw that we really don't want to see it as a decision, | 我看到我们真的不想 把它视为一个决定, |
| 50 | because then we have to take responsibility for it. | 因为那样的话,我们必须对此负责。 |
| 51 | And if it fails, that is a burden of some consequence. | 如果失败了,那就是一种后果。 |
| 52 | When it's a romantic process and it fails, | 当它是一个浪漫的过程 它失败, |
| 53 | well, it's a shared failure with the universe. | 和宇宙是共同的失败 |
| 54 | A much better deal than having to blame just ourselves. | 总比怪自己好 |
| 55 | Is your potential partner the one, is the wrong question. | 你潜在的搭档是错的吗? |
| 56 | In fact, I believe that's a question that is more likely to lead to divorce. | 事实上,我认为这是一个更可能导致离婚的问题. |
| 57 | But before we look at better questions, let's look at what's at stake. | 但是,在我们研究更好的问题之前,让我们先看看利害关系. |
| 58 | Because I would suggest that choosing your lifelong partner | 因为我建议选择你的终身伴侣 |
| 59 | is the most consequential decision you will make. | 你会做出最直接的决定 |
| 60 | Most of us appreciate the pain, emotional and financial, | 我们大多数人都欣赏痛苦 感情和金钱 |
| 61 | that divorce causes a couple. | 离婚导致一对夫妇。 |
| 62 | But it's the impact on the next generation that has my attention. | 但正是对下一代的影响引起了我的注意. |
| 63 | A study of 1,400 people looked at the long-term impact | 一项对1 400人的研究研究了长期影响 |
| 64 | of parental divorce during their childhood, | 子女期间父母离婚; |
| 65 | when they were followed up at age 32. | 在32岁被跟踪的时候 |
| 66 | Now, as you can see, the children from the families | 现在,你可以看到,孩子 来自家庭 |
| 67 | where their parents had divorced were more than twice as likely | 父母离婚的可能性是双倍以上 |
| 68 | to be divorced themselves or to be unemployed. | 离婚或失业。 |
| 69 | They were more likely to smoke on a daily basis and drink alcohol to excess. | 他们更有可能每天吸烟,酗酒到过量。 |
| 70 | They were much less likely to complete a university degree | 他们完成大学学位的可能性要小得多 |
| 71 | with daughters of staggering 58% less likely to do so. | 有58%的女儿 不太可能这样做。 |
| 72 | And girls apparently more vulnerable to parental marital breakdown than boys | 女孩显然比男孩更容易受到父母婚姻破裂的影响 |
| 73 | were more likely to suffer from a range of psychological problems. | 更可能遭受一系列心理问题。 |
| 74 | It is said that alcoholism is not a spectator sport. | 据说,酗酒不是一种观众运动。 |
| 75 | Eventually, the whole family has to play. | 最终,全家都要玩. |
| 76 | And the damage from a parental relationship breakdown | 而父母关系的破坏 |
| 77 | is equally impossible to limit to just the parents. | 同样不可能仅限于父母。 |
| 78 | And this is why having children is a big complication | 这就是为什么有孩子 是一个很大的复杂 |
| 79 | and a much bigger commitment than getting married. | 和更大的承诺 比结婚。 |
| 80 | So, how am I defining marriage? | 那我怎么定义婚姻? |
| 81 | Well, I would see it as any relationship entered into by two people | 好吧,我会把它看作是任何关系 由两个人建立 |
| 82 | on the basis it will be long-term | 它将是长期的 |
| 83 | and is recognised either legally or in common law. | 在法律上或普通法中得到承认。 |
| 84 | But for the record, I believe any two people of any persuasion | 但为了记录,我相信 任何两个人的任何说服 |
| 85 | of either gender or of no gender | 性别或无性别 |
| 86 | who wish to spend their life together | 他们希望一起度过一生 |
| 87 | should be legally able to do so throughout the world. | 应该能够在全世界依法这样做。 |
| 88 | But for the purposes of this talk, we're going to be looking at legal marriages | 但为了这个目的,我们要看的是合法婚姻 |
| 89 | because they're the ones more readily identified by researchers. | 因为他们是最容易被研究者识别的 |
| 90 | Now, that definition of course includes arranged marriages. | 现在,这一定义当然包括包办婚姻。 |
| 91 | For those of us who've grown up with love marriages and romantic love, | 对我们这些在爱情婚姻和浪漫爱情中长大的人来说 |
| 92 | we see that as the normal way of things. | 我们认为这是正常的方式。 |
| 93 | I think I can predict that most of you here | 我想我可以预测你们大部分人在这里 |
| 94 | had parents who chose each other on the basis of romantic love. | 父母在浪漫的爱情的基础上互相选择 |
| 95 | I think I can more confidently predict | 我想我可以更自信地预测 |
| 96 | that you're probably not going to get those very same parents | 你可能不会得到 那些非常相同的父母 |
| 97 | to choose your marital partner, | 选择你的伴侣, |
| 98 | a partner who you might meet for the first time on the day of your marriage, | 你结婚那天可能第一次见面的伴侣 |
| 99 | unless of course they're producers of reality TV shows. | 除非他们是真人秀电视节目的制作人 |
| 100 | But despite our sense that a love marriage is the norm, | 但尽管我们觉得爱情婚姻是常规 |
| 101 | by a slight majority, from a global perspective, | 从全球角度看, |
| 102 | a marriage today is more likely to be arranged than not. | 今天的婚姻更可能是安排的 |
| 103 | Moreover, for 95% of recorded history, | 此外,在95%的记录历史中, |
| 104 | arranged marriages have been the norm for the entire planet. | 包办婚姻是整个世界的常态。 |
| 105 | Until then, romantic love only accidentally overlapped with marriage. | 在此之前,浪漫爱情只是偶然与婚姻重叠. |
| 106 | Now, arranged marriages take many forms, | 现在,包办婚姻有很多形式, |
| 107 | and to be clear, I'm not talking here about forced marriages, child marriages. | 说清楚,我不是说强迫婚姻,童婚 |
| 108 | These are a violation of human rights. | 这是对人权的侵犯。 |
| 109 | The Universal Declaration of Human Rights states | 《世界人权宣言》指出: |
| 110 | that individuals should be 18 years old before they enter marriage | 结婚前年满18岁; |
| 111 | and do so freely with full consent. | 并获得充分同意后自由行事。 |
| 112 | But the reason that brought that declaration into being | 但使这一声明成为现实的原因 |
| 113 | leaves many of us feeling that arranged marriages are old and irrelevant, | 令我们很多人觉得 包办婚姻是旧的和无关的 |
| 114 | at least I did, until I came across some rather compelling research. | 至少我做到了, 直到我遇到 一些相当有说服力的研究。 |
| 115 | Now I'm going to suggest that if we dismiss arranged marriages | 现在,我要建议 如果我们驳回包办婚姻 |
| 116 | without considering what I call the modern arranged marriage, | 不考虑我所说的现代包办婚姻, |
| 117 | then we're throwing out the baby with the bathwater. | 然后我们用浴水把孩子扔出去 |
| 118 | I asked a Pakistani man that I interviewed for my research | 我问了一个巴基斯坦人 我采访了我的研究 |
| 119 | how he felt about potentially a matchmaker, | 他对潜在的媒人的感觉如何? |
| 120 | his mother, his aunts, his prospect's mother, her aunts, | 他的母亲,他的姨妈, 他未来的母亲,她的姨妈, |
| 121 | all choosing his marital partner. | 都选择了他的配偶 |
| 122 | He said, well, of course all these people should choose my partner. | 他说,当然,所有这些人 应该选择我的伴侣。 |
| 123 | They know much more than I do of such things. | 他们比我更了解这种事 |
| 124 | I'm only 35 years old. | 我只有35岁 |
| 125 | What he was talking about was tapping into | 他刚才说到的是窃听 |
| 126 | a time-honored collective wisdom around matchmaking. | 以时间为荣的集体智慧 围绕交配。 |
| 127 | How do we define the modern arranged marriage? | 我们如何定义现代包办婚姻? |
| 128 | Well, this is where each partner has power of veto | 这就是每个合伙人都有否决权的地方 |
| 129 | and some input into the choice of their partner | 以及对其伴侣选择的一些投入 |
| 130 | and it occurs in a greater culture that is supportive of divorce. | 它发生在支持离婚的大文化中。 |
| 131 | So the research we're about to look at comes out of the USA. | 所以,我们即将进行的研究 来自于美国。 |
| 132 | So how have the last 200 years, a mere blip in history, | 那么,如何是过去200年, 仅仅是历史的零落, |
| 133 | gone when it comes to our romantic love marriages? | 当我们浪漫的爱情婚姻时就不见了? |
| 134 | Divorce rate in love marriages, circa 40%. | 爱情婚姻中的离婚率,大约为40%. |
| 135 | Because we're getting married when we're older, | 因为我们长大了就要结婚了 |
| 136 | when our personality and our values have consolidated, | 当我们的个性和价值得到巩固 |
| 137 | divorce rates are falling, but so too are marriage rates. | 离婚率在下降,但结婚率也在下降。 |
| 138 | In the USA today, people are avoiding marriage entirely | 今天在美国,人们正在完全避免婚姻 |
| 139 | more than any other time in history. | 比历史上任何其他时间都多 |
| 140 | Single parent families are more common after love marriages. | 单亲家庭在爱情婚姻后更为常见. |
| 141 | Birth rates are of particular importance to governments | 出生率对政府特别重要 |
| 142 | because they underpin long-term economic growth. | 因为它们支撑着长期经济增长。 |
| 143 | In the USA today, birth rates are below population replacement levels. | 今天,在美国,出生率低于人口更替水平。 |
| 144 | In a study done on modern arranged marriages in the US, | 在美国进行的一项关于现代包办婚姻的研究中, |
| 145 | where partners had some input into partner selection, | 伙伴在选择伙伴方面有一些投入, |
| 146 | they looked at four factors that determine marital satisfaction. | 他们研究了决定婚姻满意度的四个因素。 |
| 147 | Loving, loyalty, shared values and issues around finances. | 热爱,忠诚,共同的价值观和围绕金融的问题. |
| 148 | The average duration of the marriage was more than 11 years | 平均结婚时间超过11年 |
| 149 | and each individual filled out their questionnaires separately. | 每个人分别填写问卷。 |
| 150 | The arranged marriages are the ones on your left. | 包办婚姻是你的左边。 |
| 151 | Yes, the ones that are higher on each of those four parameters. | 是的,这四个参数中每个参数都更高。 |
| 152 | Two points of note. | 论二分. |
| 153 | Maybe surprisingly, the reports from the women | 也许令人惊讶的是,妇女的报告 |
| 154 | were no different from the reports from the men. | 和男人的报告没什么不同 |
| 155 | But the finding that fascinates me is that greater involvement | 但让我着迷的是 更多的参与 |
| 156 | in partner selection did not improve marital satisfaction scores. | 选择伴侣并不能改善婚姻满意度。 |
| 157 | And just let that sink in. | 让它沉进去 |
| 158 | Getting each partner to factor in who they were more attracted to | 让每个伙伴都考虑他们喜欢谁 |
| 159 | did not increase love or marital satisfaction scores. | 没有增加爱情和婚姻满意的分数。 |
| 160 | So it would seem that not finding the one or more specifically | 因此,似乎没有找到一个或更多具体 |
| 161 | having somebody else find them for you is the secret to marital bliss. | 有别人为你找到它们 是婚姻幸福的秘密 |
| 162 | Professor Robert Epstein is an American researcher | 罗伯特·爱泼斯坦教授是一位美国研究员 |
| 163 | who has studied this phenomenon in some depth | 曾深入研究这一现象的人 |
| 164 | and he's found the crossover. | 他发现了十字架 |
| 165 | The point at which love in the arranged marriages exceeds that | 包办婚姻中的爱情超过 |
| 166 | in the love marriages occurs around five years. | 在爱情婚姻中,大约在五年左右。 |
| 167 | By ten years, the levels in the arranged marriages are significantly higher. | 到10年,包办婚姻的水平要高得多。 |
| 168 | What's going on? | 这是怎么回事? |
| 169 | Well, my take on it is that when people marry for love, | 好吧,我的假设是 当人们为了爱情结婚, |
| 170 | they hope the love carry them through the tough times, | 他们希望爱情能让他们度过艰难的时光 |
| 171 | the conflict, the life stressors. | 冲突 生活压力 |
| 172 | But romantic feelings do not coexist well | 但浪漫的感觉并不好共存 |
| 173 | beside the feelings that go with stress and conflict. | 除了紧张和冲突的感觉 |
| 174 | They get pushed aside such that the couples I work with | 他们被推到一边 以至于我和他们一起工作 |
| 175 | who've had repeated problems tell me they have now fallen out of love. | 他们已经从爱中脱身了 |
| 176 | In an arranged marriage, all you have from the outset is a commitment, | 在包办婚姻中,你从一开始就只有承诺, |
| 177 | a commitment to make it work no matter what and to make it work as a team. | 承诺让它不管怎样运作,并作为一个团队运作。 |
| 178 | The lack of romantic feel at these times is not only of no surprise to them, | 这些时候缺乏浪漫的感觉 对他们来说不仅仅是一个惊喜 |
| 179 | it is of little concern to them. | 他们对此毫不关心。 |
| 180 | Commitment carries you through the tough times, | 承诺让你度过艰难的时光 |
| 181 | romantic love not so much. | 浪漫的爱情没那么多 |
| 182 | So, what do we find if we study the modern arranged marriages | 所以,如果我们研究现代的包办婚姻,我们会发现什么? |
| 183 | to find how they build love over time? | 找到他们如何建立爱的时间? |
| 184 | This takes us back to Epstein's work. | 这让我们回到爱泼斯坦的工作。 |
| 185 | He and his co-workers undertook a number of studies to answer that question. | 他和他的同事进行了一些研究来回答这个问题。 |
| 186 | In one particular study, they looked at 35 factors | 在一项研究中,他们研究了35个因素。 |
| 187 | that could build love over time. | 这可以建立爱的时间。 |
| 188 | Here are the top five. | 此为前五. |
| 189 | Nothing conveys love more than making sacrifices for your partner. | 没有什么比为伴侣牺牲更能表达爱情的了 |
| 190 | Now, I'm not suggesting that we return to arranged marriages, | 我不是建议我们回到包办婚姻 |
| 191 | but I do think they have something to teach us. | 但我觉得他们有东西可以教我们 |
| 192 | Allow me to reduce this research down along with my clinical experience | 请允许我用我的临床经验 来减少这次研究 |
| 193 | to one sentence. | 至一句话。 |
| 194 | My definition of true love that I believe underpins | 我对真爱的定义 我相信是支撑 |
| 195 | successful long-term relationships. | 成功的长期关系。 |
| 196 | True love is the feeling of being fully accepted by another | 真爱是被别人完全接受的感觉 |
| 197 | who is committed to nurturing both your personal growth and their own. | 他们致力于培育你的个人成长 和他们自己的成长 |
| 198 | Now, of course, to effectively nurture somebody's personal growth, | 现在,当然,为了有效培育某人的个人成长, |
| 199 | you have to be empathically interested in where they are | 你必须要同情地关心他们在哪里 |
| 200 | on both a day-by-day basis and in the longer term. | 无论是日复一日,还是长期。 |
| 201 | Equally importantly, we have to take responsibility for our own personal growth. | 同样重要的是,我们必须为自己的发展承担责任。 |
| 202 | You cannot rely on your partner to meet all of your needs. | 你不能依赖你的伙伴来满足你的所有需要。 |
| 203 | It does take a village to grow an adult. | 长大成人确实需要村庄。 |
| 204 | In conclusion, I know people fall head over heels in love, | 最后,我知道人们会坠入爱河 |
| 205 | feeling they have found the one. | 感觉他们找到了那个 |
| 206 | Judgment-free. | 判决无碍. |
| 207 | If you're young and you just want to fall in love, then do that. | 如果你年轻,你只是想坠入爱河 那就这么做吧 |
| 208 | You want to get married when you're older anyway. | 年纪大了你想结婚 |
| 209 | And when it happens, enjoy the hell out of it while it lasts. | 当它发生的时候, 享受地狱出来,而它持续。 |
| 210 | But please, please remember you do not have to marry them. | 但是请记住你不必嫁给他们 |
| 211 | Or with much greater finality, have children with them. | 或以远比决胜负,有子女与他们。 |
| 212 | That's why contraception was invented. | 故发明避孕. |
| 213 | Instead of asking, ask the one, ask two questions of each of you. | 与其问,问其一,各问二问. |
| 214 | Do I accept my partner despite their shortcomings? | 我接受我的搭档吗? |
| 215 | Do I commit to nurture them, to achieve what is important to them? | 我是否承诺培养他们,实现对他们很重要的目标? |
| 216 | And likewise, do they accept me and do they commit to me? | 同样地,他们是否接受我,是否对我作出承诺? |
| 217 | All you need is four yeses. | 你只需要4个是 |
| 218 | Thank you. | 谢谢 |
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