（中英附文稿）明明想拒绝，却总怕别人不高兴？Mel Robb
字幕摘录
| 时间 | 英文 | 中文 |
|---|---|---|
| 0:00 | Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher podcast where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything | 欢迎来到Jefferson Fisher播客公司 在那里我执行一个任务 让你的下一场对话成为改变一切的 |
| 0:08 | If you enjoy learning tools to improve your communication | 如果你喜欢学习工具来改善沟通 |
| 0:10 | I'm gonna ask you to follow this podcast and if you would leave a review give it a star | 我要请你跟随播客 如果你留下评论 让它成为明星 |
| 0:15 | I like anything helps and it matters a whole lot to me because I look at it | 我喜欢任何帮助,它对我很重要 因为我看着它 |
| 0:19 | Oh, also, I want to let you know that my new book titled the next conversation is officially out on pre-order | 哦,还有,我想告诉你,我的新书 标题下的对话是 正式的发布 在预先订购 |
| 0:26 | It is a book that's going to give you everything you need the power to change everything in your life simply by what you say | 这本书会给你一切 你需要的力量 改变你生活中的一切 |
| 0:32 | Next on top of that if you're looking for ways to further and practice your communication skills | 接下来,如果你正在寻找方法 进一步和练习你的交流技能 |
| 0:37 | I'm going to encourage you to join the Jefferson Fisher School of | 我鼓励你加入杰斐逊费舍尔学校 |
| 0:40 | Communication it's an online membership and it is popping right now | 沟通是在线会员,现在正在涌现 |
| 0:44 | Y'all a lot of exciting things going on there wonderful things and I'm really excited about it | 你们都有很多令人兴奋的事情发生在那里 美妙的事情,我真的很兴奋 |
展开字幕全文（887 条）
| 序号 | 英文 | 中文 |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher podcast where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything | 欢迎来到Jefferson Fisher播客公司 在那里我执行一个任务 让你的下一场对话成为改变一切的 |
| 2 | If you enjoy learning tools to improve your communication | 如果你喜欢学习工具来改善沟通 |
| 3 | I'm gonna ask you to follow this podcast and if you would leave a review give it a star | 我要请你跟随播客 如果你留下评论 让它成为明星 |
| 4 | I like anything helps and it matters a whole lot to me because I look at it | 我喜欢任何帮助,它对我很重要 因为我看着它 |
| 5 | Oh, also, I want to let you know that my new book titled the next conversation is officially out on pre-order | 哦,还有,我想告诉你,我的新书 标题下的对话是 正式的发布 在预先订购 |
| 6 | It is a book that's going to give you everything you need the power to change everything in your life simply by what you say | 这本书会给你一切 你需要的力量 改变你生活中的一切 |
| 7 | Next on top of that if you're looking for ways to further and practice your communication skills | 接下来,如果你正在寻找方法 进一步和练习你的交流技能 |
| 8 | I'm going to encourage you to join the Jefferson Fisher School of | 我鼓励你加入杰斐逊费舍尔学校 |
| 9 | Communication it's an online membership and it is popping right now | 沟通是在线会员,现在正在涌现 |
| 10 | Y'all a lot of exciting things going on there wonderful things and I'm really excited about it | 你们都有很多令人兴奋的事情发生在那里 美妙的事情,我真的很兴奋 |
| 11 | You can find all the links down there in the show notes and I hope you enjoy this episode | 你可以在节目笔记里找到所有的链接 我希望你喜欢这集 |
| 12 | Have you ever found yourself struggling to let go? | 你曾经发现自己挣扎着要放手吗? |
| 13 | Whether it's what somebody thinks about you how they treat you or what they say to you | 不管是别人对你的看法 他们对待你的方式还是对你说的话 |
| 14 | Or maybe it's the choices and actions in their own life | 或许是他们生活中的选择和行动 |
| 15 | Well today, I've brought you somebody who needs no introduction | 今天,我给你带来了一个不需要介绍的人 |
| 16 | She is a mother of three | 她是三个孩子的母亲 |
| 17 | Amazing humans a wife to a husband Chris for almost 30 years | 奇异的人类 妻子对丈夫克里斯近30年 |
| 18 | and an attorney whose | 他是一个律师, |
| 19 | Experience is in criminal defense up in New York City | 纽约市的刑事辩护经验 |
| 20 | The one the only Mel Robbins Mel. | 唯一一个梅尔·罗宾斯·梅尔 |
| 21 | Thank you so much for | 非常感谢你 |
| 22 | Jefferson | 杰弗逊 |
| 23 | Has anyone ever told you you're a great communicator as you're sitting there going have you ever tried to like how I'm like? | 有没有人告诉你,你是一个伟大的通讯员 当你坐在那里去 你曾经尝试喜欢我的感受? |
| 24 | Oh, this is gonna be good. | 哦,这会是很好的。 |
| 25 | I wonder who he's having on this would be great. | 不知道他用谁来做这个会很棒 |
| 26 | Yeah | 对 |
| 27 | I'm | и琌 |
| 28 | Here to listen. | 这里听。 |
| 29 | Yeah, me too really excited about it | 是啊,我也很兴奋 |
| 30 | Mel as you know that and we've had the chance to establish a great friendship | 梅尔,你知道的,我们已经有机会 建立伟大的友谊 |
| 31 | Which I'm so grateful for is that the people that are listening right now | 我非常感激的是 那些正在听的人 |
| 32 | Care very much about how they communicate | 关心他们如何沟通 |
| 33 | And the question I first want to ask you is how important is | 我首先要问的问题是, |
| 34 | self | 自己 |
| 35 | communication now, what does | 现在通讯,什么是 |
| 36 | Mel Robbins | 梅尔·罗宾斯 |
| 37 | Say to herself. | 对自己说 |
| 38 | Mel Robbins怎么跟自己说话的? | |
| 39 | That's a fantastic question | 问得好 |
| 40 | No, I'm serious because | 不,我是认真的,因为 |
| 41 | how you talk to yourself matters and | 如何你说话自己的事情 |
| 42 | I'm 56 years old right now and how I spoke to myself myself talk | 我已经56岁了,我对自己说话的方式 |
| 43 | Was very different for the first 52 years of my life | 在我生命的前52年里 情况很不一样 |
| 44 | From how it is now and | 从现在到现在 |
| 45 | I | 一、导 言 |
| 46 | You know heard somebody there's a there's an incredible woman who I'm sure you know | 你知道有人听说 有一个不可思议的女人,我相信你知道 |
| 47 | And if as you're listening to us, you don't recognize this name, that's okay | 如果你在听 我们,你不认得这个名字,没关系 |
| 48 | I'm gonna tell you what she share with name her shared with me. | 我要告诉你她和我分享的名字 |
| 49 | Her name is dr. Julie Smith and she said | 她叫朱莉・史密斯医生 她说 |
| 50 | Recently to me she said now Mel. | 最近她对我说现在梅尔。 |
| 51 | I want you to imagine | 我要你想象一下,我需要你帮助 |
| 52 | The experience of what it would be like to be locked in a room | 被锁在房间里的感觉 |
| 53 | With your childhood bully for a year like how would that feel and I was like awful | 你童年的欺负了一年 感觉怎么样 我简直糟透了 |
| 54 | I mean and if you just imagine the person | 我的意思是,如果你只是想象一个人 |
| 55 | That kind of picked on you or that you're kind of afraid of or the kind of mean person that you avoided | 那种挑剔你 或者你有点害怕 或者那种卑鄙的人 你避开 |
| 56 | In your school imagine being locked in a room with them for a year would be horrible | 在你的学校里 想象被锁在房间里一年 会很可怕 |
| 57 | And then she said well great now imagine what it would be like to be locked in that room instead with your best friend and | 然后她说得很好 现在想象一下 被锁在房间里会是什么感觉 |
| 58 | That obviously would be better because you'd have a companion you'd have somebody that you could have fun with you'd have somebody that would | 那显然会更好 因为你会有一个同伴 你会有一个你可以玩得开心的人 |
| 59 | Cheer you up and make you feel hopeful | 振作起来,让你充满希望 |
| 60 | even though you're stuck in this room together to play games with to see the brighter side of things to make you laugh and | 虽然你们被困在这间屋子里玩游戏 看更光明的一面 |
| 61 | I love that visual because that is | 我喜欢这种视觉,因为 |
| 62 | Your self-communication the person that you're locked in a room with is a visual example of | 你的自我交流 被锁在房间里的人是一个视觉的例子 |
| 63 | how you talk to yourself and | 你怎么跟自己说话 |
| 64 | as I explained that | 正如我解释的那样 |
| 65 | Metaphor for you and as you visualize it for yourself | 暗喻你,当你想象自己 |
| 66 | Just the experience of what it would be like to be locked in a room with a bully versus locked in a room with a best | 只体验了被锁在一个 与欺负和锁在一个 与最好的房间里 |
| 67 | Friend you could viscerally feel | 朋友,你可以直觉 |
| 68 | What that would be like and I think what I didn't realize for a long time is just how loud and critical | 那会是什么样子 我觉得我很久没意识到的是 声音和批评 |
| 69 | My self-talk and self-communication was | 我的自言自语和自我交流 |
| 70 | That I didn't see the things that I did. | 我没看见我做过的事 |
| 71 | Well, I saw the I saw everything I didn't do right | 嗯,我看到了我看到的一切 我做错了 |
| 72 | You know, I could I could have done a hundred things a day and I'm sure as you're listening to Jefferson and me right now | 你知道,我本可以做一百件事 每天,我敢肯定,当你正在听 杰斐逊和我的权利 |
| 73 | You've done a hundred things already today, even if it's only ten o'clock in the morning. | 今天你已经做了一百件事情了 即使早上只有十点 |
| 74 | You've done a hundred things | 你做过一百件事情 |
| 75 | Correctly, you fed the dog you got out of bed | 正确,你喂狗 你从床上下来 |
| 76 | You selected a podcast like so many things are like check check check, but you don't see any of those | 你选择了一个播客 就像很多事情 就像检查检查, 但你没有看到这些 |
| 77 | You probably have more of a voice. | 你可能有更多的声音。 |
| 78 | That's a bully and that was my voice for 52 years. | 那是欺负人,那是我52年的声音 |
| 79 | I was just | 我刚刚 |
| 80 | Laser focused on what I was doing wrong the one thing I didn't get to I would look in the mirror and pick myself apart and | 激光专注于我做错了什么 我没有得到的一件事 我会看着镜子 并选择自己分开 |
| 81 | I think that there's this mistake in society that believes that if you are tough or | 我认为社会上有这样的错误 认为如果你是坚强的或 |
| 82 | If you you know are hard on yourself that somehow that is | 如果你知道自己很难过 不知怎么的 |
| 83 | Motivating you it actually has the opposite effect like you like somehow a lot of us are very successful in life or we get through | 激励你,其实有相反的效果 就像你喜欢什么 我们很多人在生活中非常成功 或者我们通过 |
| 84 | the day | 当天 |
| 85 | Despite the fact that our self-communication and the way we talk to ourselves sounds more like a bully than a best friend | 尽管我们的自我交流 和我们对自己说话的方式 听起来比最好的朋友更像欺负人 |
| 86 | and | 和 |
| 87 | so a couple years ago through a combination of just researching a project that I was working on and getting serious about therapy and | 所以几年前,通过 仅仅研究一个项目 并且开始认真的治疗, |
| 88 | working on some things in my marriage and | 做一些事情在我的婚姻和 |
| 89 | Really just saying I don't understand why I've achieved all this stuff | 真的只是说,我不明白 为什么我实现了这一切 |
| 90 | But I am so burnt out and I feel like I army crawl through the day | 但是,我被烧焦了,我觉得我的军队 爬过一天 |
| 91 | And it was surprising to me | 这让我惊讶 |
| 92 | Although looking back it doesn't seem surprising when you think about self-talk is either being locked in a room with a bully or locked | 虽然回头看,但当你想到自我谈话 要么被锁在有欺负者的房间里 要么被锁上 |
| 93 | In a room with a best friend. | 在一个房间里和一个最好的朋友。 |
| 94 | It was surprising to me how long I lived with a bully in my head and | 令我惊讶的是,我和欺负者一起生活了多久 |
| 95 | What I will tell you is this I | 我要告诉你的是我 |
| 96 | Am still productive | 还在生产中 |
| 97 | But I am more motivated. | 但我更积极 |
| 98 | I am happier and I am able to see the things that are going well | 我更快乐,我能看到事情进展顺利 |
| 99 | Because I have changed the way I communicate to myself | 因为我改变了自我交流的方式 |
| 100 | Mm-hmm. | 对 |
| 101 | I love that | 我喜欢 |
| 102 | Yeah, thank you for taking on us on this like 360 journey | 是啊,谢谢你带我们在这 360次旅程 |
| 103 | I love dr. Julie Smith whose new book open wind is out and is wonderful | 我爱博士。 Julie Smith的新书畅通无阻 |
| 104 | it was so much of | 这是这么多 |
| 105 | How you put yourself out there and you're very open about your anxiety the self-doubt so many things that you didn't | 你是如何把自己在那里, 你非常开明 你的焦虑... ... |
| 106 | Learn about yourself until much later in life | 学着自己,直到晚年 |
| 107 | So what would you say to the person listening to us right now who if they were in the room with us would say? | 那么,你会怎么对现在听我们说话的人说,如果他们和我们一起在房间里,谁会说呢? |
| 108 | Mel I'm I'm getting close. | 梅尔,我越来越接近。 |
| 109 | I I feel like I am on the edge right now. | 我觉得我现在在边缘 |
| 110 | I've almost hit my limit | 我差点到了极限 |
| 111 | I am at a place where I feel lost | 我在一个我感到迷茫的地方 |
| 112 | What would you say to that person who is struggling right now? | 你会对那个正在挣扎的人说什么? |
| 113 | Where do you draw from to give them the? | 你从哪里得到的给他们? |
| 114 | Encouragement that there is more for them ahead | 鼓励他们今后有更多机会 |
| 115 | So there's a number of things I want to say | 所以,有一些事情我想说 |
| 116 | first of all if you can admit to yourself that you're you've had it and | 首先,如果你可以承认 你已经有了它, |
| 117 | That you're stuck or that just the way that life is going | 你被困住了,或者生活就是这样 |
| 118 | It's just not working anymore | 已经不行了 |
| 119 | What I'm gonna tell you and this is gonna sound awful is congratulations because that's step one | 我要告诉你,这听起来很糟 祝贺,因为这是第一步 |
| 120 | Yeah step one of changing your life is having the courage to admit to yourself that the way that your life is | 改变你生活的第一步 就是有勇气向自己承认 你的生活方式 |
| 121 | Going right now and the way that it feels for you no longer works for you. | 现在就走 感觉你不再为你工作了 |
| 122 | That's it | 就这样 |
| 123 | See, I think I misinterpreted what stuckness was for a long time. | 你看,我想我误解 什么是卡住了很长时间。 |
| 124 | I thought stuck meant I'm still no no no no no no | 我以为卡住了意味着我还是没有,没有,没有,没有 |
| 125 | Still is what happened before | 还是以前的事 |
| 126 | That's when you were going through autopilot and you're sort of just going through the motions when you get to the point | 那时你正在通过自动驾驶 并且你只是通过运动 当你到达重点 |
| 127 | You're like I've had it. | 你就像我受够了一样 |
| 128 | I'm stuck. | 我被卡住了 我被卡住了 我被卡住了 我被卡住了 我被卡住了 |
| 129 | I'm frustrated. | 我很沮丧。 |
| 130 | I'm lost. | 我迷路了 我迷路了 I'm lost. |
| 131 | I feel scared about this | 我对此感到恐惧 |
| 132 | That's good news because it means the energy inside you is starting to rattle around | 这是好消息,因为它意味着你体内的能量 开始在周围摇晃 |
| 133 | You're no longer on autopilot. | 你不再做自动驾驶了 |
| 134 | You just woke up and went this doesn't work | 你刚醒过来就走了 这行不通 |
| 135 | and so I want you to first things first pat yourself on the back because you have | 所以我要你先拍拍自己的背 因为你有 |
| 136 | Declared that the way that life feels isn't how you want it to feel and that's step one and you can't change your life without | 宣布人生的感受 并不是你想要的感受 这是第一步 你无法改变你的生活 |
| 137 | Actually doing that first. | 其实是先这么做的 |
| 138 | So that's why I'm gonna say give yourself credit for recognizing you deserve more than where you're at | 所以我要说 承认你比现在更值得称道 |
| 139 | number two I | 二号 |
| 140 | Have found that in moments like that | 已经发现在这样的时刻 |
| 141 | That the most important thing that I can do next | 我接下来能做的最重要的事情 |
| 142 | Once I say the way that my life feels no longer works for me | 一旦我说出我人生的感受 |
| 143 | Need to do something I deserve to feel happier. | 需要做一些我应该感到快乐的事 |
| 144 | I deserve to feel better | 我该感觉好点 |
| 145 | I deserve to look at the next chapter of my life and | 我该看看我的下一章 |
| 146 | Build something that makes me feel a little bit better and a little bit prouder myself. | 造出一些让我感觉好点的东西,让我自己更自豪一点. |
| 147 | So once you do that | 所以,一旦你这样做 |
| 148 | Here's what I want you to do. | 这就是我要你做的。 |
| 149 | I | 一、导 言 |
| 150 | want you to | 让你 |
| 151 | Use a tool that I've used over and over and over again to help me in these moments because it is daunting when you go | 用我反复使用的工具 来帮助我 此时此刻,因为当你走的时候,这很可怕 |
| 152 | Okay, I know I don't know. | 好吧,我知道,我不知道,我还不知道。 |
| 153 | I know I don't want my life to feel like this, but I don't know what the heck I want | 我知道我不想我的生活有这种感觉 但我不知道我想要什么 |
| 154 | No problem. | 没问题 |
| 155 | No problem | 没问题 |
| 156 | You don't have to know exactly what you want in your life in order to change it for the better | 你不必知道自己到底想要什么 才能改变你的生活 |
| 157 | because if you don't know what specific career move you want to make or relationship move you want to make or | 因为如果你不知道什么是职业运动 你想做或关系运动 你想做或关系运动 |
| 158 | You know what project you want to take on or whether you're not you want to move some bear or what? | 你知道你想要什么项目 或者你不想移动一些熊什么的? |
| 159 | No problem | 没问题 |
| 160 | Because the single best project to take on when you don't know what to do to change your life is take on | 因为当你不知道该怎么改变你的生活时 最好的项目就是开始 |
| 161 | improving yourself | 改善自己 |
| 162 | so make it a project to either improve your health or | 因此,使之成为一个项目 改善您的健康或 |
| 163 | Make it a project to improve your mental health or make it a project to learn a new skill | 把它变成一个改善你心理健康的项目 或者把它变成学习新技能的项目 |
| 164 | and the fact that you have chosen to find time to hit play on this episode and | 以及你选择找时间来玩这集 |
| 165 | Invest in listening to something that could teach you how to be a better communicator | 投资听一些能教你 如何成为更好的沟通者的东西 |
| 166 | That's an example of what I'm talking about because if you make yourself and your own improvement | 这是一个例子,我所说的 因为如果你让自己和你自己改善 |
| 167 | Just the project you're gonna focus on that | 你只要把注意力放在这个上 |
| 168 | I've just spent the last 50 years taking care of everybody else for this next chapter of my life for the next three months the | 我花了50年时间 照顾所有人 为了接下来的3个月 |
| 169 | Next year, whatever you want. | 明年,随其所欲. |
| 170 | I'm just gonna make my health a priority you do that and you will start to feel different | 我只是把我的健康作为一个优先事项 你这样做, 你会开始感觉不同 |
| 171 | You will start to feel better | 你会感觉好点的 |
| 172 | You will start to have something to focus on other than the aspects of your life that are dragging you down and | 你会开始有 专注于其他的东西 除了你的生活方面 拖你下来, |
| 173 | Simply creating that as a project | 简单地创造它作为一个项目 |
| 174 | Actually will help you build some forward momentum and once you start to build forward momentum | 其实会帮助你建立一些前进的势头 一旦你开始建立前进的势头 |
| 175 | Now you're gonna start to feel more energized and excited to maybe attack your career or attack the relationship | 现在你会开始感觉 更充满活力和兴奋 也许攻击你的事业或攻击关系 |
| 176 | That's not working or attack some bigger problems | 这不管用,也不管有什么大问题 |
| 177 | But if you don't know what you want out in the future | 但是,如果你不知道 你想要什么未来 |
| 178 | You deserve to just make yourself healthier because if you can do that | 你应该让自己更健康 因为如果你能做到 |
| 179 | You're gonna feel better in a week or a month and then that's gonna give you a new insight into what you actually might want | 你一周或一个月后会感觉好点的 这样你就能重新了解你真正想要的 |
| 180 | To take on so that's step number two because a lot of times when people say I want to change and then I don't | 接下去就是第二步 因为很多时候人们说我想改变 |
| 181 | Know what I want that not knowing is what continues to keep you feeling stagnant now third thing | 知道我想要的是什么,不知道是什么 继续让你感觉停滞 现在第三件事 |
| 182 | I want you to do because I have come to believe Jefferson | 我要你这么做 因为我相信杰斐逊 |
| 183 | after | 之后 |
| 184 | 56 years of my own challenges and successes and | 我56年来的挑战和成功 |
| 185 | Struggles and things that I've changed in myself and also doing the kind of work that I do | 斗争和事情,我已经改变了自己 也做我的工作 |
| 186 | I have come to believe that the single biggest thing that stands in someone's way and | 我渐渐地相信, 唯一最大的东西 挡住某人的方式, |
| 187 | Stops them from changing their life or changing their job or becoming financially secure or whatever | 阻止她们改变生活或改变工作,或成为有经济保障的人。 |
| 188 | It may be the single biggest thing. | 这可能是最大的一件事。 |
| 189 | It's not your ability | 这不是你的能力 |
| 190 | It's not your skill level the single biggest thing that stands in people's way is | 这不是你的技巧水平 最大的问题 站在人的方式是 |
| 191 | Discouragement this sense that as I sit here in this moment | 打破这种感觉 当我坐在这里的时刻 |
| 192 | and I'm however old that I am and I'm telling myself this self-talk that I am stuck and | 我老了,我对自己说,我卡住了 |
| 193 | That no matter what I do | 无论我做什么 |
| 194 | It's not gonna work and things may work out for Mel or they may work out for Jefferson | 它不会工作,事情可能解决 梅尔或他们可能解决 杰斐逊 |
| 195 | But they don't work out for a person like me | 但是他们不适合我这样的人 |
| 196 | Like if you have a sense of discouragement and the self-talk keeps you feeling discouraged | 喜欢,如果你有 沮丧感和自我谈话 让你感到沮丧 |
| 197 | No advice | 无建议 |
| 198 | No plan | 没有计划 |
| 199 | No, nothing is gonna help because the discouragement convinces you not to do anything | 不,什么也帮不了你 因为劝阻说服你什么都不做 |
| 200 | And so I have this exercise that I've done in my own life over and over and over again | 所以我有一次又一次的锻炼 |
| 201 | That helps me shake that discouragement and it's this | 帮助我动摇了这种沮丧,而正是这个 |
| 202 | If you're in a moment in your life where you're feeling very stuck you get you can grasp. | 如果你在生命的某一刻 你感到非常卡住,你可以抓住。 |
| 203 | Okay, I got it Mel | 好吧,我得到了它梅尔 |
| 204 | I'm gonna work on myself or I'm gonna get a new job, whatever, but I just have this sense that it's not gonna work | 我会努力工作,否则我会得到一份新工作,什么的, 但我有这种感觉 它不会工作 |
| 205 | Here's what I want you to do. | 这就是我要你做的。 |
| 206 | I want you to look backward and | 我要你回头看 |
| 207 | Look all the way back through your life | 回头看 |
| 208 | Because when you look backwards through your life what you're gonna notice is that your life is this | 因为当你回头看 你的生活,你会注意到 你的生活是这样的 |
| 209 | Theandering path of things that have happened good and bad to you that have all led you to this point and | 发生在你身上的好事和坏事 导致你走到了这一步 |
| 210 | Even your lowest scariest saddest most heartbreaking moments were still part of the fabric of experiences that led you to this moment | 即使是你最痛苦最伤心的时刻 也是你经历的一部分 |
| 211 | all of which | 这些 |
| 212 | Gave you skills. | 给了你技能。 |
| 213 | It gave you wisdom | 它给了你智慧 |
| 214 | Brought you to where you are now | 把你带到现在的位置 |
| 215 | And so I think it's very easy to sit in this moment and see how even the lowest moments of your life | 所以我觉得坐在这一刻很容易 看看你生命中最卑微的时刻 |
| 216 | Actually led you somewhere better in the future | 其实你将来会去更好的地方 |
| 217 | You can do the same thing | 你可以做同样的事情 |
| 218 | forward to the future | 展望未来 |
| 219 | So if you can look backwards and see all the evidence of your life pointing you to a place where you are now | 所以,如果你可以回头看 看到所有的证据 你的生活指向一个你现在的地方 |
| 220 | Even if where you are now is stuck. | 即使你现在所在的地方被卡住了 |
| 221 | You're still better in many ways and where you were way back when | 你在许多方面还是好一些 那时你回到了哪里 |
| 222 | you can also stand in this moment where you feel stuck in a little lost and a little discouraged and | 你也可以站在这个时刻,你感到卡 在一点点迷路和一点点沮丧, |
| 223 | you can remind yourself that this moment too is | 你可以提醒自己,这一刻也是 |
| 224 | but a | 不过 |
| 225 | Brick on the path that is my life and I choose to believe | 踏上我人生的道路 我选择相信 |
| 226 | That there is a lesson in this moment that is meant for me and I may not understand | 此刻有一个教训 对我来说,我也许不明白 |
| 227 | Why I need to be stuck right now | 为什么我要被困在现在 |
| 228 | But I choose to believe that ten years from now | 但我选择相信十年后 |
| 229 | I'm gonna look back on this moment here and I'm gonna understand exactly why this was part of a better future | 我要回过头来看这一刻 我会明白为什么这是美好未来的一部分 |
| 230 | That I can't see right now and that's how I've | 我现在看不见,我就是这样 |
| 231 | Been able to leverage hope and | 能够唤起希望 |
| 232 | leverage optimism | 杠杆乐观 |
| 233 | when I can't quite trust in | 当我无法相信 |
| 234 | What's gonna happen because I either don't know what's gonna happen or I don't have a clear vision about what I want | 会发生什么,因为我要么不知道会发生什么 要么我对我想要什么没有明确的愿景 |
| 235 | But I can trust in my own life experience that I can figure it out and somehow it's gonna make sense and that | 但我可以相信自己的生活经历, 我可以想出它,不知怎的,它会有意义 |
| 236 | Has always just helped lift that fog and that heaviness that despair can cast on you in those moments | 一直帮助你解开迷雾 和绝望的沉重感 |
| 237 | Wow, I mean there's just so much in there | 哇,我是说里面有这么多 |
| 238 | I feel like that could have been an entire episode just those three points right there. | 我觉得那可能是整个剧集 就那三点 |
| 239 | I mean that that is such good | 我的意思是,这是那么好 |
| 240 | {\fn黑体\fs22\bord1\shad0\3aHBE\4aH00\fscx67\fscy66\2cHFFFFFF\3cH808080}最好的适用建议是 {\fn黑体\fs22\bord1\shad0\3aHBE\4aH00\fscx67\fscy66\2cHFFFFFF\3cH808080}任何人都可以马上使用 {\fn黑体\fs22\bord1\shad0\3aHBE\4aH00\fscx67\fscy66\2cHFFFFFF\3cH808080}以及他们对我世界的看法 | |
| 241 | What I like to teach is that it's | 我喜欢教的是 |
| 242 | Conflict is your catalyst for positive change everywhere | 冲突是各地积极变化的催化剂 |
| 243 | You've been in life | 你从小到大 |
| 244 | It is you've lost that relationship because of a conflict that has led you to a new one | 你因为一场冲突而失去那段关系 导致你有了新的关系 |
| 245 | you've had a conflict that has now caused you to leave that job to create a new one that the | 你曾经有过一次冲突 现在导致你离开那份工作 |
| 246 | Civil rights movement is from conflict that has happened where somebody says I mean our whole career as attorneys | 民权运动是冲突造成的 有人说我是律师 |
| 247 | Somebody says, you know, hey, I don't like that. | 有人说,你知道,嘿, 我不喜欢这样。 |
| 248 | That's not right and it's through that change | 这不对,而且要经过这个变化 |
| 249 | That we have those positive outcomes. | 我们取得了这些积极成果。 |
| 250 | I've also heard it where it's rejection is | 我也听过拒绝的地方 |
| 251 | misdirection or | 方向错误或 |
| 252 | Redirection, I think is the right term. | 重定向,我认为是正确的术语。 |
| 253 | Can I say something please? | 我能说句话吗? |
| 254 | Here's the thing because it builds on what you're talking about with conflict | 这是因为它建立在 你所说的冲突之上 |
| 255 | Yeah, the mistake that we make is we think that the organizing conflict is what's happening out there | 是的,我们犯了一个错误 我们认为组织冲突 是那里正在发生的 |
| 256 | I don't think that's necessarily true | 我觉得这不一定是真的 |
| 257 | And if you're stuck or struggling right now or you're in the middle of a big reinvention or a change that you want to make | 如果你被卡住或挣扎 现在,或者你正在 在一个大的重塑 或你想要做的改变 |
| 258 | I want you to own the fact that the actual conflict that is powerful is the internal conflict that you're feeling | 我要你拥有一个事实, 真正的冲突是强大的 内部冲突,你感到 |
| 259 | Because you know, you're not in the right job | 笵 暗眔ぃ癸 |
| 260 | You know, you're not in the right relationship | 你知道,你没有 在正确的关系 |
| 261 | You know that you're not taking good care of yourself | 你知道你没有好好照顾自己 |
| 262 | you know that something is off and so that internal conflict is | 你知道有些东西是关闭的 所以内部冲突是 |
| 263 | Hardwired into that | 硬线插进去了 |
| 264 | GPS system in your body that is trying to keep you aligned and on a path | 你体内的GPS系统 正在试图保持你的对齐和路径 |
| 265 | That is aligned with your values and what you deserve in life | 这符合你的价值观和生命中应得的 |
| 266 | And so I love that you're starting with this idea of conflict because you know people get stuck and frustrated and lost and then | 所以我喜欢你从冲突开始 因为你知道人们被卡住 沮丧和迷失 然后 |
| 267 | They get scared because that feels very agitating and disorienting | 他们害怕了,因为那感觉很烦躁,很迷茫 |
| 268 | That's a really good conflict because it means that internally | 这是一个真正的好冲突 因为这意味着内部 |
| 269 | Your body is trying to wake you up and have you go ding ding ding ding ding does this job doesn't work for me | 你的身体想唤醒你,让你去 叮叮叮,做这个工作对我没用 |
| 270 | I shouldn't be treated like this. | 我不应该被这样对待 |
| 271 | I'm no longer happy in this relationship. | 我不再喜欢这种关系了 |
| 272 | I need to do something about it | 我需要做点什么 |
| 273 | Yes, it is that whenever you have that internal struggle | 是的,这是每当你有 内部斗争 |
| 274 | Instead of seeing it as oh, I just this is the worst thing. | 而不是把它看成是哦, 我只是这是最糟糕的事情。 |
| 275 | I can't believe this my life is in shambles | 我简直不敢相信,我的人生充满了混乱 |
| 276 | Flip that mindset to say my body is at work. | 改变这种心态,说我的身体在工作。 |
| 277 | I am going through growing pains | 我正在经历不断增长的痛苦 |
| 278 | I am coming out on the other side of it. | 我从另一边出来 |
| 279 | My body is preparing me to be a different person | 我的身体正在准备成为一个不同的人 |
| 280 | It is the metamorphosis of how you're gonna be a growing. | 这是你如何成长的变形。 |
| 281 | I mean it is it is you are in your cocoon at that moment | 我的意思是,这是你 在你的茧在那一刻 |
| 282 | I mean, so I love that concept this podcast is sponsored by Cozy Earth | 我的意思是,我喜欢这个概念 这个播客赞助 由舒适的地球 |
| 283 | Now the whole reason I haven't found out about Cozy Earth is because I already use their products | 现在,我还没有发现 关于Cozy Earth的全部原因 因为我已经使用他们的产品 |
| 284 | Their bedsheets are on my bed right now. | 他们的床单现在在我的床上 |
| 285 | And let me tell you they're the most comfortable thing | 让我告诉你,它们是最舒适的 |
| 286 | I've ever slept on I wear their hoodies their sweatpants. | 我睡过,我穿他们的头罩,他们的裤子。 |
| 287 | My wife loves their pajamas | 我老婆喜欢他们的睡衣 |
| 288 | so if you're like me and when you get home, you just want to | 所以,如果你像我一样 当你回家,你只是想 |
| 289 | Chill and be cozy look no further than Cozy Earth | 冷静和舒适的外表比舒适的地球更美 |
| 290 | 你可以去Cozy Earth dot com slash Jefferson 你可以用Jefferson的代码 做为Cozy Earth的40% | |
| 291 | Dot -com slash Jefferson 并使用代码Jefferson 4折. | |
| 292 | I want to make sure | 我想确认一下 |
| 293 | that we go into some things that | 我们进入一些事情 |
| 294 | Know without a doubt are gonna help | 绝对知道有帮助的 |
| 295 | Every listener here. | 这里每个听众 |
| 296 | There is something that is right now a phenomenon in the world | 现在世界上有种现象 |
| 297 | And if you don't know about it, I'm gonna tell you you've been living under a rock | 如果你不知道 我会告诉你 你一直生活在石头下 |
| 298 | It is Mel Robbins book the let them theory. | 这是梅尔・罗宾斯书 让他们的理论。 |
| 299 | I have my copy right here | 我这里有副本 |
| 300 | Number one New York Times bestseller number one on audible number one on Amazon number number one Sunday Times | 《纽约时报》第一畅销书 《亚马逊周日时报》第一 |
| 301 | This is the year of Mel and I | 这是我和梅尔的一年 |
| 302 | Already have my ticket. | 已经拿到我的票了 |
| 303 | So if you're not on it jump on board because it's going places. | 所以,如果你不在上面 跳跃在船上,因为它去的地方。 |
| 304 | I | 一、导 言 |
| 305 | Love it now | 现在喜欢它 |
| 306 | I love what you're doing and what you're putting out to the world and I think that it's just it's come to a place where it's | 我喜欢你所做的事 以及你向世界展示的东西 我认为这只是它来到了一个地方 |
| 307 | Almost as a life of its own. | 几乎是属于自己的生活。 |
| 308 | I mean, it's just an absolute movement | 我的意思是,这只是一个绝对的运动 |
| 309 | What I want to ask for those that are listening again, we focus on the communication aspect | 我想问的是什么 那些正在再次倾听, 我们专注于沟通方面 |
| 310 | Is at a very root level. | 处于非常根深蒂固的水平。 |
| 311 | Would you explain? | 你能解释一下吗? |
| 312 | to | 改为: |
| 313 | The listener right now. | 现在听者. |
| 314 | How does the let them theory improve their difficult conversations? | 他们的理论如何改善他们的艰难对话? |
| 315 | well, all I'm gonna say is that | 好吧,我要说的是 |
| 316 | Jefferson has the single best advice on the planet when it comes to the things to say in response to | Jefferson有关于这个星球的 最好的建议 当它涉及到一些事情来回应 |
| 317 | difficult people and | 困难的人和 |
| 318 | How to have difficult conversations and so here's the thing though is that if in a moment | 如何有困难的谈话 所以问题是 如果在某一刻 |
| 319 | when you're dealing with somebody who is | 当你与某人打交道时 |
| 320 | Gaslighting you or belittling you or they're getting very argumentative if you allow | 点燃你的光芒 或轻视你 或他们变得非常争论 如果你允许 |
| 321 | Your fear of that person or your fear of conflict or your desire to be liked | 你对那个人的恐惧 或你对冲突的恐惧 或你喜欢的欲望 |
| 322 | to | 改为: |
| 323 | rise up | 起来 |
| 324 | all of those emotions and feelings | 所有这些情感和感觉 |
| 325 | Will prevent you from using the tools that Jefferson is teaching you because you can know what to say in a moment | 将阻止你使用 Jefferson教你的工具 因为你可以知道 一会儿说什么 |
| 326 | but if you're suddenly afraid of somebody else's reaction if | 但如果你突然害怕别人的反应 |
| 327 | You say I feel how I feel | 你说我的感觉 |
| 328 | We see things differently if you're afraid of that and for 30 years of your life | 如果你害怕那事 和三十年的人生 我们就会有不同的看法 |
| 329 | You have just gone silent when you're nervous that somebody's gonna be mad at you or you're nervous | 你只是沉默 当你紧张的时候 有人会生你的气 或者你紧张 |
| 330 | Somebody's gonna be disappointed or you're nervous that somebody's gonna try to guilt you | 有人会失望 或者你紧张 有人会试图内疚你 |
| 331 | the let them theory is going to give you power and | 让他们的理论会给你力量 |
| 332 | it is also going to | 它也会 |
| 333 | Teach you how to not allow those very normal fears to stop you from using the tools that Jefferson is teaching you | 教你如何不让那些普通的恐惧 阻止你使用杰斐逊教你的工具 |
| 334 | So let's just take an example of like we'll go light to heavy | 所以让我们举个例子吧 就像我们从轻到重 |
| 335 | So let's just take the example of guilt | 所以让我们举个例子吧 |
| 336 | let's say that you have a friend and your friend is having a 38th birthday party and | 假设你有个朋友 你的朋友要参加38岁生日派对 |
| 337 | They've invited 12 people and so you're all gonna go to a restaurant and it's gonna be you know, we all been there | 他们邀请了12个人 所以你们都要去一家餐馆... ...你知道,我们都去过 |
| 338 | There's 12 people. | 有十二众生. |
| 339 | It's a loud restaurant. | 是个吵闹的餐厅 |
| 340 | You can't talk to anybody then we're gonna split the check | 你不能跟任何人说话 然后我们分钱 |
| 341 | It's a Thursday night | 今天是周四晚上吗? |
| 342 | You have no interest in going and the only reason why you are feeling like you should go is because you think your friend is | 你对去没有兴趣 而且你觉得自己应该去的唯一原因 是因为你觉得你的朋友是 |
| 343 | Going to be passive-aggressive you think your friend is going to be disappointed | 你会觉得你的朋友会失望的 |
| 344 | This is where the let them theory comes in in order to make the decision that you want to make which is I'm not | 让他们的理论就是为了做你想做的决定 而我不是 |
| 345 | Going in order to have the difficult conversation, which for many of us is simply picking up the phone and saying hey Jefferson | 去谈困难的话题 对很多人来说 这不过是接个电话说嗨 杰斐逊 |
| 346 | I I just love you. | 我只是爱你。 |
| 347 | I | 一、导 言 |
| 348 | Really want to celebrate for you for your birthday | 真的想为你庆祝你的生日 |
| 349 | I don't have it in me to be at a big party this week | 我本周没有参加大型派对 |
| 350 | But I would love to take you out on Sunday and just the two of us go for a hike and we get spent alone | 但我很想带你出去 在周日,只有我们两个去 远足,我们得到一个人花 |
| 351 | Time together that'd be incredible that conversation for a lot of people's terrifying because I don't want to have to deal with your emotions | 在一起的时间是不可思议的, 交谈很多人的恐怖 因为我不想面对你的情绪 |
| 352 | But if you start to use the let them theory, which is let them be disappointed | 但是如果你开始使用让他们失望的理论 |
| 353 | Let them try to guilt you | 让他们试着让你内疚 |
| 354 | Let them even be a little passive-aggressive with you. | 让他们对你有点消极的侵犯 |
| 355 | Oh | 瓳 |
| 356 | You can't are you sure, you know, I really wanted you there. | 你不能确定,你知道, 我真的希望你在那里。 |
| 357 | It's such a bummer. | 如此无趣. |
| 358 | Oh really | 痷 |
| 359 | Let them | 让他们 |
| 360 | let them | 让他们 |
| 361 | feel what they feel let them express what they express and | 感受他们的感觉 让他们表达他们表达的 |
| 362 | What happens then when you let other people? | 你放过别人会怎样? |
| 363 | Be who they are and be who they're not and you understand that you can never control what somebody else says | 你永远不能控制别人说的话 |
| 364 | You can't control their emotions. | 你不能控制他们的情绪。 |
| 365 | You can't control immature behavior | 你无法控制不成熟的行为 |
| 366 | So let them act how they're gonna act but don't ever let your fear of what they're gonna do stop you | 所以,让他们表现 他们要如何行动 但永远不要让你的恐惧 他们要做什么阻止你 |
| 367 | From having the courage of making decisions that work for you | 因为有勇气做对你有用的决定 |
| 368 | And so the theory is two parts | 所以理论是两部分 |
| 369 | the first part is | 第一部分为 |
| 370 | Anytime you get nervous around somebody else or you're annoyed or you're afraid or you start people pleasing or you're about to use the tools | 每当你在别人身边紧张,或者你生气 或者你害怕,或者你开始 人喜欢,或者你即将使用工具 |
| 371 | For Jefferson and then you go to freeze just say let them let them be disappointed. | 对Jefferson来说 然后你去冻结 就说让他们失望吧 |
| 372 | They're allowed to be disappointed | 他们可以失望 |
| 373 | Let them be upset. | 让他们伤心吧 |
| 374 | They're allowed to be upset. | 准其烦恼. |
| 375 | Let them like | 让他们喜欢 |
| 376 | Misunderstand like my intention here. | 误会我在这里的意图 |
| 377 | Let them let them let them then let me remind myself | 让我提醒自己 |
| 378 | That I get to choose what I do with my time and energy | 我可以选择我的时间和精力 |
| 379 | I get to choose what I think about this and I get to choose what I do with my emotions | 我可以选择我的想法 也可以选择我的情绪 |
| 380 | let me tell this person the truth and then let them have their reaction and so | 让我告诉这个人真相 然后让他们的反应,所以 |
| 381 | It creates this boundary | 它创造了这个边界 |
| 382 | Between you and everybody else that allows you to understand. | 在你和其他人之间 让你明白 |
| 383 | What's your responsibility to manage and | 你的责任是什么? |
| 384 | What's not and what's always your responsibility to manage is? | 什么不是,什么是你总是 管理的责任吗? |
| 385 | Your health your time your energy and your truth | 你的健康,你的时间,你的精力和你的真相 |
| 386 | What's not your responsibility to manage is another adults emotional reaction or another adults? | 什么不是你的责任管理 是另一个成年人的情绪反应 还是另一个成年人? |
| 387 | communication style | 通讯风格 |
| 388 | That's theirs. | 那是他们的 |
| 389 | So let them | 所以让他们 |
| 390 | Do what they're gonna do. | 做他们要做的事 |
| 391 | Let them say what they're gonna say | 让他们说他们要说的话 |
| 392 | Let them be who they're gonna be and let me show up in a way that's aligned with my values and communicate as clearly as I can | 让他们成为他们要成为的人 让我以符合我价值观的方式出现 尽可能清晰地沟通 |
| 393 | Apologize for what I need to apologize for and then move on like a mature adult. | 为我需要道歉的事道歉 然后像成年人一样继续前进 |
| 394 | It's so simple and it is yet | 它是如此简单,它还没有 |
| 395 | incredibly | 难以置信 |
| 396 | Powerful now. | 现在强大。 |
| 397 | I have some of my own | 我有一些我自己的东西 |
| 398 | personal | 个人 |
| 399 | stories, I'm going to share with you of | 故事,我要告诉你 |
| 400 | how immediately | 如何马上 |
| 401 | The let them theory just kind of came to light in my own life in my own | 让他们的理论在我生命中被揭示 |
| 402 | Stories and experience what I want to ask real quick is a question that maybe a listener has right now and that is | 故事和经历,我想问 真正的快速是一个问题, 也许一个听众现在有,这就是 |
| 403 | Where is the balance? | 平衡点在哪里? |
| 404 | between | 介于 |
| 405 | applying let them theory | 运用这些理论 |
| 406 | Mm-hmm, and also making sure where you can hold somebody | 嗯,嗯,还确保 你在哪里可以把某人 |
| 407 | Accountable like you don't is there a way to use let them theory too much to where you're going too far with it | 像你这样负责的,没有办法用到 让他们的理论太过分 以至于你太过分了 |
| 408 | Have you ever seen somebody maybe apply it too far to where they're almost being too passive | 你有没有见过有人把它应用得太远 他们几乎太被动了 |
| 409 | You know, it's a great question because I don't think you can hold other people accountable. | 你知道,这是一个伟大的问题,因为我不认为 你可以追究其他人的责任。 |
| 410 | Mm-hmm | 对 |
| 411 | I think we have to start holding ourselves accountable for telling the truth for living according our values for | 我认为我们必须开始追究自己 说出真相的责任 |
| 412 | apologizing when our | 我们道歉的时候 |
| 413 | Choices and decisions have unintended impact on other people | 选择和决定对其他人产生意想不到的影响 |
| 414 | Like I feel like instead of trying to hold everybody else accountable | 就像我想让别人负责一样 |
| 415 | really | 痷 |
| 416 | Stop giving your power to other people and focus on the second part of the theory, which is the let me part | 别再把力量给别人了 专心研究理论的第二部分 让我来 |
| 417 | Let me hold myself accountable to my own standards and operating with a level of compassion and character | 让我对自己的标准负责 以同情心和品格行事 |
| 418 | That makes me proud of myself | 这让我感到骄傲 |
| 419 | Because when you understand your intentions and when your actions are aligned with what you know to be true and with your best | 因为当你理解你的意图 当你的行动符合你所知道的真实 和你的最好 |
| 420 | Efforts to be a good person and to be compassionate and to make decisions that you know | 努力做一个好人,富有同情心并做出你知道的决定 |
| 421 | Certainly are the best decisions for you given everything that you know or are dealing with but also that takes into consideration | 你所知道或正在处理的一切 对你来说都是最好的决定 但也要考虑到 |
| 422 | Other people there gonna be plenty of times where I choose to go to the birthday party | 还有很多人会有很多时间 我选择去参加生日派对 |
| 423 | Because even though I don't really want to go it just feels like the right thing to do based on my values | 因为即使我真的不想去 也觉得根据我的价值观 |
| 424 | and so I feel like there's too much focus on trying to hold other people accountable and | 所以我觉得太专注于 试图让别人负责 |
| 425 | That if you're feeling that the let them theory and saying let them has made you passive or withdraw | 如果你觉得让他们的理论 说让他们让你被动或退出 |
| 426 | Then you're making a major mistake | 那你犯了个大错 |
| 427 | Because you're not doing the second part | 因为你没有做第二部分 |
| 428 | The second part is let me the second part is where the power is everybody loves saying let them | 第二部分是让我 第二部分是权力在哪里 每个人都喜欢说让他们 |
| 429 | Because there's a bit of superiority that you feel when you're like, let them let them be disappointed | 因为你有一点优越感 当你喜欢,让他们失望 |
| 430 | Let them be let them do this. | 让他们这样做。 |
| 431 | Let them do that. | 让他们这样做。 |
| 432 | And but the let me part is well, hold on a second | 但是让我分一杯羹还不错,等一下 |
| 433 | What does it mean to me to be a good friend? | 做个好朋友对我意味着什么? |
| 434 | What does it mean to me to me to be a good family member? | 做一个好家人对我意味着什么? |
| 435 | You know, what does it look like if I take full accountability and I hold myself | 你知道,它是什么样子,如果我采取 完全问责制,我坚持自己 |
| 436 | Accountable for the kind of relationship that I want with my family or my partner or my colleagues | 对我想与家人或伙伴或同事的关系负责 |
| 437 | Then how do I need to show up not as a I do this you do that or it's transactional | 那我怎么才能不做这种事情呢? 你做这种事情,或者做交易 |
| 438 | But rather if I want a great social life, isn't it my responsibility to create that if I want a wonderful | 但如果我想要一个伟大的社交生活, 是不是我的责任 创造,如果我想要一个美好的 |
| 439 | Relationship with my sister. | 和我妹妹的关系 |
| 440 | Isn't that my responsibility to create and look, you know | 这不是我的责任吗? |
| 441 | There's a lot of people that write in and say I'm using this and I'm realizing I'm the only person in my family | 很多人都写到 说我用这个 我意识到我是家里唯一一个人 |
| 442 | That ever reaches out and that happens and what you then have to do is you've got to go let them | 一直伸手,发生,然后你必须做的是 你必须去让他们 |
| 443 | my siblings are whom they are they have the | 我的兄弟姐妹是他们拥有的 |
| 444 | Amount of stuff on their plate that they have they have personalities and the stories that they have they are who they are | 盘子里很多东西 他们有个性 和故事 他们是谁 |
| 445 | I need to learn to let them be who they are and | 我需要学会让他们成为自己 |
| 446 | Learn how and what kind of relationship I want to create with them as they are | 学习我怎样和怎样 和他们建立的关系 |
| 447 | Then you pull the power back to yourself. | 然后把电源拉回你自己。 |
| 448 | Let me ask myself is family a core value of mine | 让我问问自己 家庭是我的核心价值 |
| 449 | And if it is, why do I care who's making the effort, right? | 如果是的话,我为什么要关心 谁在努力,对不对? |
| 450 | Maybe my job in this family is to be the one that plants things | 也许我在这个家庭的工作就是 种植东西 |
| 451 | Maybe I'm the social one | 也许我是社交的 |
| 452 | maybe my sister has things going on that she's not even telling me about and | 也许我妹妹有些事情 她甚至没有告诉我 |
| 453 | The fact that I keep reaching out because I can and I want to is a lifeline that she's not great at kind of making | 我不停地联系 因为我可以,我想 是一条生命线,她不擅长制造 |
| 454 | Me feel good about it, but I'm not doing it for her | 我觉得很好,但我不是为她 |
| 455 | Hmm. | 是吗? |
| 456 | I'm actually reaching out for me and I think that's a lot of it that we reach out | 我其实是来帮我的,我想这是很多 我们联系的 |
| 457 | Like how many times you text somebody and you actually expect them that they should text back that there is this | 就像多少次你发短信给某人 你实际上期望他们 他们应该发回短信,有这个 |
| 458 | Expectation on other people is a common courtesy, of course | 对其他人的期望当然是一种礼貌 |
| 459 | So true, but I wish we could give each other more grace because everybody has a lot going on right now | 是真的,但我希望我们能给对方更多的恩惠 因为现在每个人都有很多事情要做 |
| 460 | Yeah, yeah when we when we text somebody I | 是啊,是啊,当我们发短信给某人的时候,我 |
| 461 | Wish we would just normalize the thinking about you hope you're doing don't hope you have a good day | 希望我们只是正常的思考 你希望你这样做 不要希望你有一个美好的一天 |
| 462 | I just something as simple as that | 我只是有点简单 |
| 463 | Well, we often text somebody with the expectation of getting that gratification back on us that I am such a good friend | 嗯,我们经常发短信给某人 希望得到的满足 回到我们,我是一个很好的朋友 |
| 464 | I am such a good person. | 我真是个好人 |
| 465 | I am such a caring | 我很关心你 |
| 466 | Relative when we really did it. | 相对而言,我们真的做到了。 |
| 467 | We really texted them so that we were a little lonely | 我们真的发短信给他们 这样我们才有点寂寞 |
| 468 | Yes, and we needed somebody to say you're such a good person rather than | 是的 我们需要有人说你是个好人 而不是 |
| 469 | Yeah, yeah, that's okay. | 是啊,是啊,没关系。 |
| 470 | But what you can do is say, hey, I'm reaching out cuz I'm a little lonely | 但你能做的是说,嘿,我伸手了 因为我有点寂寞 |
| 471 | Minutes give me a call | 一分钟给我打电话 |
| 472 | instead of the hinting or the other thing the other thing that I think is a really important application of this is | 而不是暗示 或其他东西 我认为另一个事情 是非常重要的应用 |
| 473 | You know when people refer to the silent treatment, I think we think a lot about somebody just icing you out | 你知道,当人们提到沉默的治疗, 我认为我们想了很多 关于某人只是抽你出来 |
| 474 | You know, we've all had that experience of high school. | 你知道,我们都有过 中学的经验。 |
| 475 | Suddenly a friend's not talking to you | 突然有个朋友不跟你说话 |
| 476 | You have no idea what you did wrong | 你不知道你做错了什么 |
| 477 | But I think there's a even more subtle | 但我认为还有更微妙的 |
| 478 | silent treatment that happens which is | 静默的治疗,即 |
| 479 | that you | 那个你 |
| 480 | Know that you need something or want something and you don't actually communicate it. | 要知道,你需要什么或想要什么 而实际上你并不沟通它。 |
| 481 | So I'll give you an example | 我举个例子 |
| 482 | let's say all you want to do this Sunday is sit on the couch with your like special person and | 假设这个星期天你想做的 就是坐在沙发上 和你这样的特殊的人 |
| 483 | You your kids your partner whomever and just watch a big old movie marathon, right? | 你们这些孩子是你的搭档 只要看一部大电影马拉松,对吗? |
| 484 | And then Sunday morning rolls around your partner wakes up and is like, hey, you know so-and-so called and invited me to go | 然后周日早上你搭档醒来 突然想,嘿,你知道的 如此如此打电话,邀请我去 |
| 485 | Play a round of golf. | 玩一轮高尔夫. |
| 486 | Is that okay? | 可以吗? |
| 487 | You know, can I go and you're like sure and | 你知道,我可以去,你喜欢确定, |
| 488 | Then what do you do you sit at home and seethe? | 那你在家坐着看什么? |
| 489 | And then they come home and then you're like doing dishes in an angry way | 然后他们回家,然后你就像在愤怒地洗碗 |
| 490 | Because they should have known somehow that this was the plan and not to even ask and they should have gone for nine holes | 因为他们应该知道这是计划 而不是问 他们应该去9个洞 |
| 491 | not 18, but you didn't | 不是18岁,但你没有 |
| 492 | Communicate and now you're punishing somebody | 交流,现在你惩罚别人 |
| 493 | because of your inability to communicate what you actually need and | 因为你无法传达你真正需要的东西 |
| 494 | There's a lot of reasons why and this is your area of expertise for why people have trouble asking for what they need | 有很多原因,为什么,这就是你的专长领域 为什么人们有困难 问他们需要什么 |
| 495 | But the bottom line is is that it is so | 但底线是它是如此 |
| 496 | disrespectful to punish other people | 不尊重惩罚别人 |
| 497 | Because of your silence and inability to communicate and so another way that the let-them theory works | 因为你的沉默和无法沟通 所以另一种方式 让他们的理论发挥作用 |
| 498 | There's let them know let them know what you're good. | 让他们知道你的厉害 |
| 499 | That's it | 就这样 |
| 500 | And then let me be a mature adult if they say well, actually, I'd really love to go play golf | 然后让我成为一个成熟的成年人 如果他们说得好,实际上,我真的很想打高尔夫球 |
| 501 | Let them do what they're gonna do | 让他们做他们要做的事 |
| 502 | Like like so because people's behavior | 喜欢这样是因为人们的行为 |
| 503 | Reveals | 启示录 |
| 504 | Where you stand in their life and what's important to them? | 你站在他们生命中的位置 对他们有什么重要? |
| 505 | But you're never gonna be important to them if you're not actually able to communicate | 但是,如果你真的不能沟通, 你永远不会对他们很重要 |
| 506 | What you need or the small changes that people want to make like I was talking with one of my daughters the other day | 你需要什么 或者人们想做的小改变 就像我那天跟我一个女儿说话一样 |
| 507 | And I'm like, you know learning how to be like pick up after yourself around the house. | 而我喜欢,你知道如何 学会如何像拾回 自己在房子周围。 |
| 508 | That's a skill | 那是个技巧 |
| 509 | Learning how to cook a good dinner. | 学人煮好饭. |
| 510 | That's a skill, dude | 这才叫技巧,老兄 |
| 511 | So if you are dating somebody that doesn't know how to do that don't silently sit there and judge | 所以,如果你约会的人 谁不知道如何做 不要默默地坐在那里 判断 |
| 512 | Communicate that this is something that you would love to have the two of you get better at | 说这是你喜欢的东西 让你们两个变得更好 |
| 513 | Mmm, and so I feel like a lot of your work | 嗯,所以我觉得像 很多你的工作 |
| 514 | Can really help people also understand it's not just the difficult | 能帮助人们理解 这不仅仅是困难 |
| 515 | Conversations that happen with people with big personalities or when there's conflict. | 与有大个性的人或冲突时发生的谈话. |
| 516 | It's that quiet internal | 里面很安静 |
| 517 | conflict that you feel about actually just | 其实你所感受到的冲突 |
| 518 | Saying what so or asking for what you need or being honest about how you feel that these are the opportunities | 说出你需要什么 或诚实地说你觉得这些是机会 |
| 519 | Using all the things that you teach us Jefferson to truly understand that if you can | 利用你教给我们的所有东西 杰斐逊 真正理解 如果你能 |
| 520 | stop being silent and | 别再沉默了 |
| 521 | Learn how to communicate when it's difficult for you to say hey family. | 学学如何沟通 当你很难说你好家人。 |
| 522 | I'm drowning over here. | 我在这里溺水。 |
| 523 | I need help | 我需要帮助 |
| 524 | I need you guys to do the law. | 我需要你们做法律。 |
| 525 | I need help with the laundry | 我需要帮忙洗衣服 |
| 526 | I'm tired of being a cherry night because I'm so angry that I'm cooking dinner and I'm working full-time and I'm doing the laundry and | 我厌倦了做樱桃之夜,因为我非常愤怒,我正在做晚饭,我正在全职工作,我正在做洗衣 |
| 527 | Nobody's helping me out | 没人帮我 |
| 528 | Like you're allowed to ask but we don't because of that conflict you've been talking about that | 就像你被允许问 但我们不是因为你一直在谈论的冲突 |
| 529 | I think is I think sometimes those are the most difficult conversations | 我觉得有时候这些谈话是最困难的 |
| 530 | The simple requests that we need to make when we're not fried and emotional and pissed off | 简单的要求,我们需要做 当我们不油炸 情绪和生气 |
| 531 | With the people that we love the most | 我们最爱的人 |
| 532 | mmm | 毫米口径 |
| 533 | Absolutely and miscommunication | 绝对和错误的沟通 |
| 534 | Happens in a hundred conversations that never happened like that's it is this that's the | 百场从未发生的谈话中 都发生了这样的情况 |
| 535 | key element of what I'm hearing is | 我听到的关键内容是 |
| 536 | Most often it's | 经常是 |
| 537 | The little bitty things. | 这些小东西 |
| 538 | It's not the big huge conversations. | 这不是大对话 |
| 539 | It's the very small | 这是非常小 |
| 540 | Little bitty conversations that are going to carry the day | 一点点的谈话 将带着一天 |
| 541 | I love that Mel the let them theory the | 我喜欢让梅尔理论 |
| 542 | Just phenomenon of a book if you have not bought it | 你买不买的书就只是一种现象 |
| 543 | I am recommending right now you while you're listening to this episode go click the buy and | 我现在建议你 一边听这集 一边点击购买 |
| 544 | And deliver it to your door. | 并送至汝门. |
| 545 | It's worth it and it applies to everything some things that I wanted to share Mel of | 这是值得的,它适用于一切 我想分享的东西梅尔 |
| 546 | There are some people that think that the let them theory has to apply to these big big moments in their life | 有些人认为,允许的理论必须适用于生命中的这些重大时刻。 |
| 547 | Just like we were talking about and what I felt and I know what you have said | 就像我们在谈论什么,我感觉什么 我知道你说什么 |
| 548 | And I've just been glued to your work | 我刚刚被你的工作粘住了 |
| 549 | Is that it really does apply in every little scenario and what it thought of in my mind | 它真的适用于每一个小场景 和它的想法 在我脑海里 |
| 550 | And I just had such a wonderful mole role role model in my life of my parents | 我在父母的生活中 有过如此出色的内鬼榜样 |
| 551 | So my dad would use this theory and not even it wasn't even the let them theory | 所以我爸会用这个理论 甚至连这个理论都不用 |
| 552 | I would bring something up to him and I'd be like, well, they're gonna be mad if we do that and he'd say yeah | 我会告诉他一些事情 我会想,嗯,他们会生气 如果我们这样做,他会说是的。 |
| 553 | They're gonna be mad | 他们快疯了 |
| 554 | He goes yeah, I guess he'll be mad about it. | 他去是的,我想他会生气的。 |
| 555 | Like it was just that I well, I guess he'll be mad | 好像我只是好,我想他会生气的 |
| 556 | yeah, or | 对,或 |
| 557 | this is one that would always get me we'd be driving down the two-lane highway and | 这条路总是能带我走两条车道 |
| 558 | Somebody he's driving. | 他在开车 |
| 559 | I'm in the passenger seat and somebody be right on his bumper and I feel anxiety | 我坐在乘客座椅上,有人在保险杠上 |
| 560 | While I'm looking in the the side mirror, I'm like, okay dad, you gotta speed up and | 当我看着镜子时,我就像,好吧,爸爸,你必须加快速度, |
| 561 | I mean without missing a beat he would just kind of pull over onto the shoulder and | 我的意思是,没有错过一拍 他只是那种拉过 肩膀, |
| 562 | He would say out loud go on with your bad self | 他会大声说出你的坏话 |
| 563 | That's what he'd say every time go on with your bad self. | 他每次都会这么说你这坏人 |
| 564 | And so it just it's like that now we all | 所以现在我们都是这样 |
| 565 | Everybody who's listening if you're a driver | 每个人都在听 如果你是司机 |
| 566 | You know what? | 你知道吗? |
| 567 | it's like that you have somebody that's either wants to pass you you want to pass them and | 就像你有一个想要通过的人 你希望通过他们 |
| 568 | You're very vocal. | 你很会说话 |
| 569 | Even when you drive of | 即使你开车 |
| 570 | Everybody out there. | 產常硂 |
| 571 | They're either going too slow | 他们要么太慢了 |
| 572 | You need to go faster somebody's right behind you and you're gonna take that as some kind of challenge | 你需要加快速度 有人在你身后, 你会把它当作某种挑战 |
| 573 | Let them theory applies | 让他们运用理论 |
| 574 | Especially in these micro moments that really have nothing even to do with one-on-one communication with another person | 特别是在这些微小的时刻 连和别人的一对一交流都没关系 |
| 575 | It's that self communication that we talked about at the beginning that it's often just letting them | 我们一开始谈论的自我交流 往往只是让他们 |
| 576 | Go and you're gonna let me take the next step. | 去,你要去 让我下一步。 |
| 577 | Do I have that right mill? | 我有那个磨坊吗? |
| 578 | You not only have that right, but I want to I want to unpack two really important things there | 你不仅有这个权利 我想把两件很重要的事整理好 |
| 579 | so the first thing I want to unpack is the reason why the let them theory is such a | 所以首先我想解开的就是为什么 允许的理论是这样的 |
| 580 | Phenomenon is that it does not exist in a vacuum. | 现象是它不存在于真空中. |
| 581 | Hmm. | 是吗? |
| 582 | I am reminding you of | 我提醒你们 |
| 583 | What you know to be true. | 你所知道的真实。 |
| 584 | I am NOT like I am NOT the first person in fact | 其实我不是第一人 |
| 585 | Ever since we announced this book people have come out of the woodworks be like, oh my gosh. | 自从我们宣布这本书以来 人们从木工里出来 就像,哦,我的上帝。 |
| 586 | Oh my gosh | 天呐 |
| 587 | TD Jakes20年前做了个布道 | |
| 588 | Let them go like there's there's the serenity prayer is | 让他们走 就像有平静的祈祷 |
| 589 | the let them theory Buddhism radical acceptance stoicism the | 让他们理论 佛教激进接受 斯图伊主义 |
| 590 | peaceful like protest | 和平如抗议 |
| 591 | This is all about controlling your response if you've read man's search for meaning Victor Frankel | 这是关于控制你的反应 如果你读过男人的搜索意义 Victor Frankel |
| 592 | The entire book is about the power of attitude and how the things out there | 整本书都讲的是态度的力量 和外面的情况 |
| 593 | You can't control | 你无法控制 |
| 594 | But they don't have to impact what you're thinking about in here | 但他们不必影响你的想法 |
| 595 | These are powerful concepts that have been woven through | 这些强大的概念被编织成 |
| 596 | spiritual teachings philosophy | 精神教育 |
| 597 | Therapeutic modalities since the beginning of time. | 从时间开始的治疗方式。 |
| 598 | I have just taken all of that and turned it into a | 我把这些都拿走了,变成 |
| 599 | Simple tool that you activate with two words | 用两个单词激活的简单工具 |
| 600 | Let them and let me and you know for me in my family | 让他们,让我和你知道我的家庭 |
| 601 | My mom is literally like I've lived like this my entire life | 我妈妈就像我一辈子这样 |
| 602 | In fact, she had a pillow that said pull up your big-girl panties and deal with it. | 事实上,她有一个枕头 说拉起你的大姑娘内裤 并处理它。 |
| 603 | That's let me | 让我来 |
| 604 | That's let me and my mother say and so the reason why I also believe | 让我和我妈说,我为什么也相信 |
| 605 | That this has exploded is because you are being reminded of what you already know to be true | 是因为有人提醒你 你已经知道真相 |
| 606 | You are also being handed a tool and this is happening at a moment in history that | 你们也正在被交给一个工具 这发生在历史中 |
| 607 | feels at unprecedented levels like everything is out of control and | 感觉在前所未有的水平 像一切都失控了, |
| 608 | The headlines are overwhelming people's stress levels are overwhelming | 头条新闻是压倒性 人们的压力程度是压倒性 |
| 609 | Everybody has somebody in their family who is profoundly struggling people are worried about the economy. | 每个人的家庭中都有一个人 正在深深地挣扎 人们担心经济。 |
| 610 | They're worried about their kids | 他们担心自己的孩子 |
| 611 | They're worried about the future and it doesn't matter where you live or who you are | 他们担心未来,不管你住在哪里或是谁 |
| 612 | people are worried about AI all of this feels like it is out of control and this is ultimately a book about control and | 人们担心AI 这一切感觉像是失控了 这最终是一本关于控制的书 |
| 613 | how when you try to control things that you can't control like other people's opinions or their moods or their attitudes or how fast they | 当你试图控制你无法控制的东西 就像其他人的意见或他们的情绪或态度 或他们的速度 |
| 614 | Drive or slow they drive or whether or not they ride the bumper. | 开车或慢开车 或是否骑保险杠。 |
| 615 | It just creates stress for you as | 只会给你带来压力 |
| 616 | Somebody who gives advice a lot of different formats on how to connect with people and how to handle conflict | 给人很多不同形式的建议 如何与人联系 如何处理冲突 |
| 617 | Often some of the most important conversations are self communication what you say to yourself | 经常有些最重要的对话是自我交流 你对自己说的话 |
| 618 | That's why therapy is something that you need to be doing. | 这就是为什么治疗是 你需要做的事情。 |
| 619 | I go to therapy. | 我去治疗 |
| 620 | There's nothing wrong with it | 没什么不好的 |
| 621 | It's getting conversations out of your head and just talking about it | 你脑子里有话直说 |
| 622 | It's more helpful than you think a sponsor of this podcast better help is an online platform | 这比你们觉得这个播客的赞助商 更好的帮助是在线平台 |
| 623 | That helps connect you to a licensed therapist just for that purpose and it's real easy | 帮助你联系到一个有执照的治疗师 只是为了这个目的,这是非常容易的 |
| 624 | All you do is just fill out a survey and they connect you with the therapist | 你所做的只是填写一个调查 他们把你和治疗师联系起来 |
| 625 | That's right for you. | 这对你来说是正确的。 |
| 626 | And if it's not a good match, no problem | 如果比赛不顺利,没问题 |
| 627 | No at no cost fix you up with another one and it's very important to get these conversations out of your head | 不,不花任何代价 帮你再找一个 而且把谈话从你的脑子里弄出来是非常重要的 |
| 628 | Relationships come with questions therapy comes with answers. | 关系与问题 治疗与答案。 |
| 629 | You can go to better help com | 你可以去更好的帮助 com |
| 630 | Jefferson Fisher for a discount on your first month of therapy. | 杰弗逊 费舍尔给你第一个月的治疗折扣 |
| 631 | I highly recommend it and | 我强烈建议 |
| 632 | The real power in life whether you're learning through it through | 生活中真正的力量,无论你是否在学习 |
| 633 | Stoicism or you're learning about it through Viktor Frankl's work or you're learning about it through radical acceptance is in focusing on what you can | 或者你正在通过Viktor Frankl的作品来了解它 或者你正在通过激进的接受来了解它 就是专注于你能做的 |
| 634 | Control which is your response your attitude what you choose to do or don't do in | 控制器,这是你的反应,你的态度 你选择做什么或不做什么 |
| 635 | response to the things around you and the second thing I wanted to say about that story because I | 回应你周围的事情 以及我想说的第二件事 |
| 636 | Absolutely love it and we can all relate to that just pull over and just you know | 绝对爱它,我们都可以 与刚刚拉过来,只是你知道 |
| 637 | How did your dad say it let your bad self by or what? | 你爸爸怎么说的? |
| 638 | He'd say go on with your bad self go on with your bad self that yeah | 他会说继续你糟糕的自我 继续你糟糕的自我 |
| 639 | Yeah, you're just still like go on with your bad self. | 是啊,你仍然喜欢 继续你的坏自己。 |
| 640 | You're acknowledging the negative energy. | 你承认负能量。 |
| 641 | You're you're allowing it, right? | 你允许,对不对? |
| 642 | So now you're in control. | 所以,现在你控制。 |
| 643 | It's not like he's run you off the road. | 他又不是把你从路上赶走 |
| 644 | You're like, all right, go on with your bad self | 你就像,好吧,继续你的坏自我 |
| 645 | I'm in control here | 我控制这里 |
| 646 | Because I'm choosing to pull over and I'm choosing to recognize your energy is not affecting me and this is the second thing that's actually | 因为我选择靠边停车 我选择承认你的能量不会影响我 这是第二件事 |
| 647 | really really important so | 真的很要紧,所以 |
| 648 | You talked about being in the passenger seat and feeling that volcano of stressful energy | 你说过要坐客座 感受那充满压力的火山 |
| 649 | Rises up in your body and the reason why it's important to use the let them theory in the micro moments | 在你的身体中崛起 以及为什么在微观时刻 使用允许的理论很重要 |
| 650 | Standing in line and it's taken too long | 站着排队,时间太长了 |
| 651 | dealing with a frustrating customer service issue | 处理令人沮丧的客户服务问题 |
| 652 | Having somebody be rude to you like all these little things people like stopping in front of you | 有个人对你粗鲁 像所有这些小东西 喜欢停下来在你面前 |
| 653 | And then that like whatever rude behavior let them let them let them because every time you say let them | 然后,像任何粗鲁的行为让他们 让他们让他们 因为每次你说让他们 |
| 654 | Just like with your debt go on with your bad self. | 就像欠你的债一样 继续你的坏自我 |
| 655 | Just like when you do that what you're doing is you're not allowing | 就像你这样做的时候 你所做的就是不允许 |
| 656 | Dumb things on the outside to actually steal your life force | 外面的蠢事 居然偷走你的生命力 |
| 657 | And what I realized Jefferson is that I had no idea | 我意识到杰斐逊就是不知道 |
| 658 | How | 怎么样 |
| 659 | Even just two years ago the age of 54. | 甚至仅仅两年前,54岁。 |
| 660 | I would come barreling in | 我会冲进去 |
| 661 | To my home at the end of the day | 终日到我家 |
| 662 | completely stressed out from work and emails and zoom calls and the long lines and the traffic commute home and I you know throw | 工作压力很大 电子邮件 放大电话 长线 交通通勤 |
| 663 | My bag down and yeah, I'm all razzled and stressed out from all these micro moments | 我的袋子下来,是啊,我 都闪闪发光和压力 从所有这些微小的时刻 |
| 664 | Where I'm letting the stress rise up and then what do I do? | 在那里我让压力升起 然后我该怎么办? |
| 665 | I snap at my kids | 我对孩子们很生气 |
| 666 | And you taught me something | 你教了我一些东西 |
| 667 | You taught me a saying that I said that I taught to my family to say to me | 你教我说,我说, 我教我的家人对我说 |
| 668 | Which is you know, I'm really sorry for what your work stress did to you | 你知道,我真的很抱歉 你的工作压力对你做了什么 |
| 669 | but you're gonna have to apologize for what your work stress is doing to me and it wasn't until I | 但你得为你的工作压力 对我做了什么道歉 直到我 |
| 670 | Learned to say let them and I started protecting myself | 学着说放过他们 我开始保护自己 |
| 671 | from the unnecessary stress and frustration of | 从不必要的压力和挫折感 |
| 672 | All the things that happened in modern life | 现代生活中发生的一切 |
| 673 | That I actually got on the other side of this problem and I can now walk in | 我确实站在问题的另一边 现在我可以走进去了 |
| 674 | to my house at the end of the day and | 终日到我家 |
| 675 | Not vomit all of that frustration and stress on my kids and my husband | 不要把那些挫折和压力 都吐在我的孩子和我丈夫身上 |
| 676 | And the reason why this matters is because I think it's very hard or at least it's very hard for me | 这之所以重要 是因为我觉得这很困难 至少对我来说很困难 |
| 677 | to communicate effectively or to communicate like a mature adult or with kindness | * 有效沟通,或像成年人或善良地沟通 |
| 678 | When I am stressed out | 当我受到压力时 |
| 679 | or I am frustrated or I am tired and | 或者我感到沮丧 或者我累了 |
| 680 | It has been a life-changing experience in terms of the level of peace in our household and | 在我们的家庭和平水平和 |
| 681 | The amount of safety that I think my family feels around me like oh what kind of we all have that person our family | 我觉得我的家人在我身边感到的 安全度是多少 |
| 682 | What kind of mood are they gonna be when they come home? | 他们回家后会是什么心情? |
| 683 | Well, that was me because I was constantly | 那是我,因为我一直 |
| 684 | Allowing everything to get to me and then I would get home and I'm like a raw wire | 允许一切得到我 然后我会回家 我就像一根生线 |
| 685 | And then that's when you use that tone or that's when you say something you regret or you send that snarky email and | 然后,当你使用这种语气 或者当你说一些你后悔的事情 或者你发送那讨厌的电子邮件, |
| 686 | Saying let them let them let them and protecting my peace has made me a better communicator overall | 说让他们放他们走 保护我的安宁 使我成为一个更好的沟通者 |
| 687 | Because I'm actually calm and centered when I'm opening my mouth at the end of the day | 因为我在一天结束时开口时,其实是冷静和集中的 |
| 688 | So good. | 这么好 |
| 689 | It's so good. | 妙绝. |
| 690 | I love these moments of you're turning what would be an exasperated sigh the | 我喜欢你转身的瞬间... ... ...... |
| 691 | into | 输入 |
| 692 | Let them and let me take an intentional breath, you know | 让他们,让我 故意呼吸,你知道 |
| 693 | Let me turn that into something that is really gonna serve me and in my purpose of where I want to go rather than | 让我把它变成一个真正能为我服务的东西 以及为了我想去的地方 |
| 694 | I have no control. | 我无法控制 |
| 695 | Let me just let out a sigh that is letting everybody know how | 让我喘口气让大家知道 |
| 696 | Aggravated and annoyed I am and how much of an inconvenience they are. | 烦恼和烦恼的我和他们有多难堪。 |
| 697 | I think that is incredibly powerful | 我觉得这很厉害 |
| 698 | I want to make sure that | 我想确认一下 |
| 699 | Before we go | 出发之前 |
| 700 | Again, we're talking about the let them theory | 再说一遍,我们说的是让他们相信的理论 |
| 701 | amazing book | 惊人的书 |
| 702 | Written by Mel and I and also your daughter. | 我和梅尔和你女儿写的 |
| 703 | I don't want to forget that it was like | 我不想忘记那就像 |
| 704 | Critical integral part of the she's actually gonna be on the cover. | 关键的组成部分 她实际上会 封面。 |
| 705 | I'm we're we're we're in all the new books | и琌穝 |
| 706 | Yeah, we're putting her on the cover | 是啊,我们把她封面 |
| 707 | That's that's wonderful. | 这是美妙的。 |
| 708 | That's got to be so special. | 这一定是那么特别。 |
| 709 | It was really cool because you know | 这真的很酷,因为你知道 |
| 710 | what was very cool about it is it happened organically and | 非常酷的是,它是有机发生的, |
| 711 | I'll spare you the story, but we're very different people and | 我留你这个故事 但我们是完全不同的人 |
| 712 | My brain is sort of like imagine you've got a cardboard box full of mice and you dump it out in a kitchen | 我的大脑有点像想象 你有一个纸箱 满是老鼠,你把它扔进厨房 |
| 713 | Like that's the way my brain works and my daughter | 就像我的大脑和女儿一样 |
| 714 | Literally were like she thinks like an Excel spreadsheet. | 从字面上来说,就像她认为 像一个Excel电子表格。 |
| 715 | She's a walking computer | 她是个行走的电脑 |
| 716 | And so the two of us working together was like I mean | 所以我们俩一起工作 就像我的意思 |
| 717 | Oil and water I was I drove her crazy and | 油和水 我把她逼疯了 |
| 718 | All day long | 整天都这样 |
| 719 | We would have to say let her let her let her let her I'd be like you're so intense | 我们不得不说,让她让她 让她,我会像你这么紧张 |
| 720 | This is a creative project. | 这是一个创造性的项目。 |
| 721 | You gotta loosen up and then she'd be like you're a nightmare and we let them let them and so the | 你得放松一下 然后她就会觉得你是个噩梦 我们让他们放过他们 |
| 722 | experience | 经历 |
| 723 | Was super emotional and frustrating we argued over every word which is why the book is actually so good | 情感超强 令人沮丧 我们为每个词争论 所以书才那么好 |
| 724 | Because I would come to the table with a story | 因为我会带着一个故事上桌 |
| 725 | You know for my life about a particular way to use let them theory. | 你从我生命中知道 用某种特定的方法来运用理论 |
| 726 | She's like nobody my age gives a shit about that | 她就像我这个年纪的人一样 |
| 727 | We're not gonna put that in that book and I'd be like, whoa, okay | 我们不会把那个放在那本书里 我会说,哇,好吧 |
| 728 | Well, you know and then she'd tell a story and it so it it became a universal | 你知道,然后她会讲一个故事 并把它变成一个普遍 |
| 729 | book | 书本 |
| 730 | Because we were arguing from both of our experiences to make sure | 因为我们从我们的经验中争辩 以确保 |
| 731 | That absolutely everybody could see themselves in every story either | 每个人都能在每一个故事中看到自己 |
| 732 | You're the villain which I normally am because I'm the one that was emotionally immature and controlling or you're the person who's having to deal with | 你是坏人,我平时是 因为我是那个情绪不成熟 控制着的人 或者你是那个要对付的人 |
| 733 | somebody who's controlling and emotionally immature and so | 一个控制着 情绪不成熟的人 |
| 734 | But what really happened and this is the beauty of the theory and this is the beauty also of learning | 但真正发生的是理论的美 也是学习的美 |
| 735 | how to speak and | 如何说话和 |
| 736 | communicate clearly | 明确沟通 |
| 737 | Learning how to be more compassionate | 学会更慈悲 |
| 738 | learning how to listen | 学会如何倾听 |
| 739 | learning how to create space for two things can be true at the same time and people can come from | 学习如何为两件事创造空间可以同时真实,人们可以来自 |
| 740 | Come at the same thing from very very different perspectives and still weirdly | 从非常不同的角度来做同样的事情 仍然很奇怪 |
| 741 | Kind of want the same thing but not see it the same way | 那种愿望 相同的事情,但 不同的方式看待它 |
| 742 | and so | 就这样 |
| 743 | Learning to say let her let her let her let her it created the space between us | 学会说,让她让她让她 让她创造我们之间的空间 |
| 744 | That allowed us to actually see each other | 这样我们就能见面了 |
| 745 | without changing each other or resenting each other for who we are for probably the first time in our lives and | 没有改变彼此 或怨恨对方 我们是谁 可能是我们生活中第一次 |
| 746 | inside that space of me being able to not judge or be pissed off at how rigid and organized and like | 在那个空间里 我无法判断 或生气 对于多么僵硬和有组织 喜欢 |
| 747 | hard-driving she is and for her not to be just wanting to just throttle me for | 硬驾驶,她是,为了她 不想只是想 节制我 |
| 748 | Being all over the place and hard to nail down and disorganized | 到处乱跑 很难打倒和混乱 |
| 749 | You create the space for people to be who they are and you also create this skill of learning how to love somebody | 你为人们创造空间 成为他们是谁, 你创造这种技能 学习如何爱一个人 |
| 750 | for who they are and who they aren't and | 他们是谁,他们不是, |
| 751 | Not have the things that you're trying to change or you've always wanted to change actually create frustration | 没有你试图改变的东西 或者你一直想改变 实际造成挫折 |
| 752 | you just replace it with acceptance and | 你只是把它替换成接受和 |
| 753 | It healed our relationship | 它治愈了我们的关系 |
| 754 | it it and and so this is really for me a | 它,所以这真的对我来说是一个 |
| 755 | Theory that when you let other people be who they are your relationships get better | 理论,当你让别人成为他们是谁 你的关系会更好 |
| 756 | Like part of the reason why we have so much miscommunication is because we're trying to change everybody | 就像我们有这么多错误沟通的原因 是因为我们试图改变每个人 |
| 757 | it's because we're frustrated with who people are instead of learning how to have more compassion and accept where people are at and | 因为我们对别人感到沮丧 而不是学会多一点同情心 接受人们所处的位置 |
| 758 | Accept that people are doing the best that they can and accept that people want to thrive and if they're not thriving | 承认人们正在尽其所能 接受人们想要繁荣 如果他们不繁荣 |
| 759 | there's probably a skill or they're feeling a little discouraged which is why they're not doing it and | 可能有技能,或者他们觉得有点沮丧 这就是为什么他们不这样做, |
| 760 | So, you know for me not only managing my stress and having more peace has certainly impacted how I communicate | 所以,你知道,对我来说,不仅 管理我的压力和拥有更多的和平 无疑影响了我如何沟通 |
| 761 | but learning how to operate with a lot more compassion and grace and acceptance has | 但学会如何用更多的同情 和优雅和接受 |
| 762 | definitely | 当然 |
| 763 | Changed how I communicate because you'll notice when you're not trying to change people and | 改变了我的交流方式 因为你不会注意到 当你不想改变人和 |
| 764 | When you're no longer afraid of people's reactions | 当你不再害怕人们的反应 |
| 765 | You actually create the space for open communication because there's nothing to manage. | 你实际上创造了开放通信的空间 因为没有什么可以管理的。 |
| 766 | I love it and this goes | 我喜欢这样 |
| 767 | perfectly into | 完全进入 |
| 768 | Well how we try here in the my podcast. | 我们如何尝试在我的播客。 |
| 769 | I always try to give a very practical tidbit of | 我总是试着给一个非常实用的字节 |
| 770 | Advice that they can use in their next conversation | 他们下次谈话时可以使用的建议 |
| 771 | and while I after I read the lethan theory a | 当我读完Lethan理论后 |
| 772 | Phrase that came to mind for me over and over again is the phrase. | 一遍又一遍地想到的词是这句话。 |
| 773 | I don't need to change your mind | 我不需要改变你的想法 |
| 774 | so when you're in conversation with someone and | 所以当你和某人谈话时 |
| 775 | There is that time where they kind of disagree and you're having that hard friction | 有那么一段时间,他们 有点不同意 而你有那么硬的摩擦 |
| 776 | If you can just say I don't need to change your mind like that to me is | 如果你可以说我不需要改变你的想法 对我来说是 |
| 777 | One way one of many ways to express that let them because what you just said was so key to anybody who's listening | 一种方式是,表达方式之一 让他们 因为你刚才说的话 是如此关键 谁在听 |
| 778 | What Mel says is the absolute truth the more you let people be who they are | 梅尔所说的是绝对的真理 你越让别人成为他们自己 |
| 779 | The more you can appreciate them the more you can love them in the more room you make | 你越能欣赏他们 就越能爱他们 在你的房间里 |
| 780 | For more positive in your life. | 为了你生活中更加积极 |
| 781 | So a phrase like I don't need to change your mind | 这么说我不需要改变你的想法 |
| 782 | I don't need to change your mind. | 我不需要改变你的想法。 |
| 783 | It is a way of allowing them the freedom saying let them | 这是允许他们自由说让他们 |
| 784 | Before like you said Mel the next step which is just as critical is to let me and that's where you have the accountability side | 之前就像你说的 梅尔的下一步 同样关键的是让我 在那里你有问责的一面 |
| 785 | Of it. | 对 |
| 786 | Mel, what are your thoughts on that? | 梅尔,你有什么想法? |
| 787 | I think you're a genius | 我觉得你是个天才 |
| 788 | And no, I mean it because I was sitting here marinating on I don't need to change your mind and the interesting thing | 不,我是说真的,因为我坐在这里 迷恋我不需要改变你的想法和有趣的事情 |
| 789 | I think that also happens psychologically when you say I don't need to change your mind | 我认为这是在心理上发生的 当你说我不需要改变你的想法 |
| 790 | Is that if somebody says that to me, there's almost this part of me. | 如果有人对我这么说,我几乎有这部分 |
| 791 | It's like, well, wait a minute | 这就像,嗯,等待一分钟 |
| 792 | I didn't say you know what I'm saying? | 我没说你知道我在说什么? |
| 793 | Like you just open the right, you know, yeah, because now you have given me | 就像你只是打开右边, 你知道,是的, 因为你已经给了我 |
| 794 | Autonomy and agency and respect to have my own opinion. | 自治和代理 尊重我的意见 |
| 795 | So now I'm actually open to changing it, right? | 所以现在我对改变它持开放态度,对吧? |
| 796 | Because originally they might be thinking like oh well, I kind of I kind of wanted you to like I wanted that fight | 因为原来他们可能想的像 哦,好吧, 我有点希望你喜欢我想要的战斗。 |
| 797 | I wanted you to I don't need to change your mind. | 我希望你不要改变主意 |
| 798 | I don't need to change your mind | 我不需要改变你的想法 |
| 799 | Yeah, anyways they use the let them theory and real application another thing that if people of wondering | 是啊,不管怎样,他们使用 让他们的理论和真正的应用 如果人们好奇 |
| 800 | You know, how do you use this? | 你知道,你怎么用这个? |
| 801 | Let them the way I see it people who want up you | 让他们像我这样看待你的人 |
| 802 | You know, let them want up you if they're on a stonewall you let them want up you and people who refuse to | 你知道,让他们想要你 如果他们在石墙上 你让他们想要你和拒绝的人 |
| 803 | Apologize the people that you know, they could apologize it'd be so easy, but they're just not it's one of those you just | 道歉的人,你知道, 他们可以道歉 这将是那么容易, 但他们只是不是它的一部分 你只是 |
| 804 | Let them so what is no what would be the one thing that you would want to share with? | 让他们知道,什么是没有 什么是你想要分享的一件事? |
| 805 | The listeners here when it comes to communication and people that are saying difficult things | 这儿的听众在谈论沟通 和那些说困难话的人 |
| 806 | How do you love the difficult people? | 你怎么喜欢困难的人? |
| 807 | I know that's one of my favorite chapters in the book is how do you love? | 我知道这是书中我最喜欢的章节之一 就是你怎么爱的? |
| 808 | difficult people | 困难的人 |
| 809 | Well, I think that the first step is you get to choose whether or not you want to | 好吧,我想第一步是,你可以选择你是否想要 |
| 810 | and so, you know, I think a lot of conflict that I felt personally in my life with people that have challenging personalities or | 所以,你知道,我觉得很多冲突 我个人感觉 在我的生活与人 有挑战性人格或 |
| 811 | past histories is | 过去的历史是 |
| 812 | the | 联合国 |
| 813 | Obligation that I'm supposed to it's it's very | 我的责任是,这是非常 |
| 814 | it's a very big change when you recognize you actually have a choice and | 当你意识到你确实有选择的时候, 这是一个巨大的变化。 |
| 815 | When you have somebody in your life, especially if it's a family member that is a very challenging personality | 当你有个人在你的生活中, 特别是如果这是一个家庭成员 这是一个非常挑战性人格 |
| 816 | There is this sense that you have an obligation to love them. | 有一种感觉,你有义务爱他们。 |
| 817 | No matter what that's not true | 不管这不是真的 |
| 818 | you get to choose who and how you love and | 你可以选择你爱的人和方式 |
| 819 | when you | 当你 |
| 820 | Take on again the let-me part. | 再来一次,让我来 |
| 821 | Let them be who they are if they have a narcissistic personality style | 如果他们有自恋的性格,就让他们成为自己 |
| 822 | That's who they are and the expectation that they're going to change and the hope that they will is what keeps you in conflict with | 这就是他们是谁,他们期望 他们将会改变 希望他们会是 让你与冲突 |
| 823 | Because you're expecting them to change you want them to change you're hoping they're gonna change and so you bring in all that energy | 因为你期望他们改变 你希望他们改变 你希望他们改变 所以你带来了所有的能量 |
| 824 | To the dynamic when you just go let them let them reveal who they are | 当你去的时候,让他们 告诉他们他们是谁 |
| 825 | This person has been who they've been for their entire life | 这个人就是他们一辈子的模样 |
| 826 | I know what every interaction is going to be like with this person because they're always the same if you watch people's behavior | 我知道和这个人的每次互动 都会是什么样子 因为如果你看人的行为 他们总是一样 |
| 827 | It's the clearest form of communication that there is and when you let people be who they are and who they're not and you have zero | 这是最清晰的沟通方式,有 当你让人成为他们是谁,谁不是,你有零 |
| 828 | Resistance to it you now take all the power back and you say I'm not letting them like be disrespectful | 反抗,你现在收回一切权力 你说我不会让他们失礼 |
| 829 | I'm not letting them walk all over me | 我不会让他们到处走 |
| 830 | I'm for the first time letting them reveal the truth of who they are and that allows me to walk in with eyes wide open and | 我第一次让他们揭开真相 让我能睁开眼睛走进去 |
| 831 | live in the | 住在这里 |
| 832 | Reality of who I'm dealing with | 我面对的现实 |
| 833 | Instead of gaslighting myself being in the fantasy of who I wish this person would be and so when you just let people reveal | 而不是在幻想自己 我希望这个人是谁 所以当你让别人透露 |
| 834 | Who they are you're not gonna brace because you know that this person sucks all the wind out of every conversation | 他们是谁,你不会拥抱 因为你知道,这个人吸风 从每一个谈话。 |
| 835 | Or has to turn everything political or makes it all about them or everything's true. | 或得转一切政治性或令一切众生或皆真实. |
| 836 | You know this going in | 你知道这是怎么回事 |
| 837 | You're not gonna waste any energy | 你不会浪费任何精力的 |
| 838 | Wishing it was gonna be different because you know and you're gonna let them and then you're gonna say | 希望它会不同 因为你知道 你会让他们,然后你会说 |
| 839 | Let me remind myself my time and energy. | 让我提醒自己 我的时间和精力。 |
| 840 | I got to protect it | 我要保护它 |
| 841 | I can leave any conversation any text chain any table any family gathering anytime I choose | 我随时可以离开任何谈话 任何文本链 任何家庭聚会 |
| 842 | I don't have to I don't have to like play into this because I recognize what it is now | 我不必喜欢玩这个 因为我知道现在是什么 |
| 843 | Here's where the loving difficult people come in | 这里有爱的艰难的人进来 |
| 844 | You can still choose | 你还是可以选择 |
| 845 | To love somebody who's difficult | 爱一个困难的人 |
| 846 | there are a lot of us that have people in our families or in our lives that have somebody that either has a | 我们有很多人有 人在我们的家庭或我们的生活 有的人有 |
| 847 | Lot of trauma in their background and they act out in a lot of ways that are very challenging or they have a narcissistic | 在他们的背景中有很多创伤 他们表现的很多方式 非常具有挑战性或者自恋 |
| 848 | Or borderline personality style, and it's very very challenging and confusing | 或边际人格风格, 非常具有挑战性和令人困惑 |
| 849 | but because of your values you choose to have this person in your life and | 但因为你的价值观 你选择让这个人在你的生活中 |
| 850 | When you say to yourself, I'm going to choose | 当你对自己说, 我会选择 |
| 851 | To love somebody who is difficult. | 爱一个困难的人。 |
| 852 | That means you now recognize something very important | 这意味着你现在意识到了很重要的事情 |
| 853 | Your relationship is | 你们的关系 |
| 854 | controlled by you if | 由您控制,如果 |
| 855 | You want it to change it all comes from the change in your energy and your time and your boundaries with this person | 你希望它改变一切 来自于你精力和时间的变化 以及你和这个人的界限 |
| 856 | Because you can't change the other person and so, you know really | 因为你不能改变另一个人 所以,你知道真的 |
| 857 | number one ask yourself | 第一,问自己 |
| 858 | do I just feel obligated to love this difficult person or do I actually want to choose to figure out how to do this and | 我只是觉得有义务去爱这个困难的人 或者我是否真的想 选择如何做到这一点 |
| 859 | Number two if I were to just let them be who they are and give up any hope that they're ever changing | 第二,如果我只是让他们 成为他们是谁,并放弃任何希望 他们永远改变 |
| 860 | Do I still choose loving this person? | 我还能选择爱这个人吗? |
| 861 | And what does that mean? | 这是什么意思? |
| 862 | And number three, let me remind myself | 第三,让我提醒自己 |
| 863 | I'm actually the one in control here | 其实我是这里的掌控者 |
| 864 | My relationship with this person. | 我和这个人的关系 |
| 865 | I'm choosing to love is my responsibility | 我选择爱是我的责任 |
| 866 | I get to choose how much time and energy I put into it and I also get to choose | 我可以选择我投入多少时间和精力 我也可以选择 |
| 867 | To force myself to live into the reality that this is who this person is and therefore I will act accordingly | 强迫自己活在现实中,这就是这个人,因此我将照此行事。 |
| 868 | Mm-hmm | 对 |
| 869 | so many | 这么多 |
| 870 | Incredible nuggets and wisdom on our time here today and Mel as somebody who appreciates | 不可思议的财富和智慧 在我们今天在这里 和梅尔作为一个人 谁欣赏 |
| 871 | Communication I have to tell you very grateful for what you communicate out into the world and how you do it and that's why | 沟通,我必须告诉你 非常感谢你向世界传达的信息,你是如何做到的,这就是为什么 |
| 872 | Millions of people listen to you every single day | 每天有数百万人听你的 |
| 873 | So I want to tell you thank you for all that you do and you put out thank you for writing | 所以我想说,谢谢你所做的一切,你把 感谢你写 |
| 874 | And putting out a wonderful amazing book the let them theory and of course | 并推出一本很棒的书 让他们理论,当然 |
| 875 | For me, especially thank you for being on my podcast. | 对于我,特别谢谢你 在我的播客。 |
| 876 | Thank you so much. | 非常感谢 |
| 877 | I appreciate it | 谢谢 |
| 878 | Well, you're welcome Jefferson and I'm gonna tell you something the second your book publishes | 好吧,你欢迎杰斐逊 我会告诉你一些事情,当你的书出版之后 |
| 879 | I am going to be happy to step aside and hand that number one New York Times | 我很乐意站到一边去 交出纽约时报的头号 |
| 880 | best-selling slot to you because you deserve it and your book is | 你最畅销的位子 因为你应得的,你的书是 |
| 881 | incredible and I | 难以置信,我 |
| 882 | cannot wait to see people read it and | 迫不及待地看到人们读它, |
| 883 | Improve themselves because of it. | 由此改善自身. |
| 884 | So know that I'm always here cheering you on | 所以知道我总是在这里为你欢呼 |
| 885 | Thank you, Mel. | 谢谢你,梅尔。 |
| 886 | I feel it. | 我感觉到了 |
| 887 | Thank you | 谢谢 |
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