（中英附文稿）聊了很多却没靠近？学会识别对话、深入提问、确认
字幕摘录
| 时间 | 英文 | 中文 |
|---|---|---|
| 0:00 | Welcome to the Jefferson Fischer podcast where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything | 欢迎来到Jefferson Fischer播客 在那里,我的任务 是让你的下一次对话 改变一切 |
| 0:07 | If you enjoy learning tools to improve your communication | 如果你喜欢学习工具来改善沟通 |
| 0:10 | I'm gonna ask you to please follow this podcast and if you would leave a review or a like or a star | 我要请你跟随播客 如果你留下评论 或者像明星 |
| 0:16 | It really matters and it means a lot to me and I look at it all so if you have any topic suggestions | 这真的很重要,它对我很重要 我看着这一切,所以如果你有任何专题建议 |
| 0:21 | Just throw them in the comments my new book. | 把它们扔进我的新书里 |
| 0:24 | The next conversation is | 接下来的谈话是 |
| 0:26 | Officially out you can find the links down in the show notes | 正式公布后,可以在节目笔记中找到链接 |
| 0:29 | This is a book that's going to give you not just what to say | 这是本书,它会给你 不只是说什么 |
| 0:31 | But how to say it and give you tools | 但怎样说,给你工具 |
| 0:34 | Immediately to help give you the power to change everything about your life simply by what you say next | 立刻帮助你改变你生活的一切 |
展开字幕全文（734 条）
| 序号 | 英文 | 中文 |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Welcome to the Jefferson Fischer podcast where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything | 欢迎来到Jefferson Fischer播客 在那里,我的任务 是让你的下一次对话 改变一切 |
| 2 | If you enjoy learning tools to improve your communication | 如果你喜欢学习工具来改善沟通 |
| 3 | I'm gonna ask you to please follow this podcast and if you would leave a review or a like or a star | 我要请你跟随播客 如果你留下评论 或者像明星 |
| 4 | It really matters and it means a lot to me and I look at it all so if you have any topic suggestions | 这真的很重要,它对我很重要 我看着这一切,所以如果你有任何专题建议 |
| 5 | Just throw them in the comments my new book. | 把它们扔进我的新书里 |
| 6 | The next conversation is | 接下来的谈话是 |
| 7 | Officially out you can find the links down in the show notes | 正式公布后,可以在节目笔记中找到链接 |
| 8 | This is a book that's going to give you not just what to say | 这是本书,它会给你 不只是说什么 |
| 9 | But how to say it and give you tools | 但怎样说,给你工具 |
| 10 | Immediately to help give you the power to change everything about your life simply by what you say next | 立刻帮助你改变你生活的一切 |
| 11 | I'm really proud of it. | 我真的为此感到骄傲。 |
| 12 | Everything's going well, and I'm excited to share it with you | 一切都很顺利,我很高兴能跟你分享 |
| 13 | Also, if you're wanting to continue to practice your new communication skills | 还有 如果你想继续练习新的交流技巧 |
| 14 | 我鼓励你去Jefferson Fischer通讯学院 | |
| 15 | Or a lot of exciting things are happening. | 或者很多令人兴奋的事情正在发生。 |
| 16 | I have a whole library of resources | 我有一大堆资源 |
| 17 | I have an AI that can help answer texts and emails for you from that | 我有一个人工智能,可以帮助回答 短信和电子邮件从这一点。 |
| 18 | Difficult co-worker and on top of that we have live classes and a whole lot of fun | 困难的同工,我们还有活的课 和很多乐趣 |
| 19 | You can also find that link down in the show notes if you've ever wondered how the great communicators become great | 你也可以在节目笔记中找到这个链接 如果你曾经想知道 伟大的传播者是如何成为伟大的 |
| 20 | Communicators well, you're in for a treat on this episode today. | 通讯员好,你今天要请客 |
| 21 | We're hearing from Charles | 查尔斯的消息 |
| 22 | Duhigg this guy is not only a | 杜希格 这家伙不只是个 |
| 23 | Pulitzer Prize winning journalist. | 普利策奖获奖记者. |
| 24 | He is a an amazing author and somebody I am actually | 他是一个惊人的作者,而我其实是一个 |
| 25 | Geeking over to talk to you about as somebody who loves communication because he has a book out that is called Super | 来跟你谈谈 作为喜欢交流的人 因为他有本书 叫做Super |
| 26 | communicators and | 通讯员和 |
| 27 | I just can't wait to get into it and and talk about it | 我迫不及待想进去谈谈 |
| 28 | He's a dad of two I believe and I know you're over in California Charles. | 他是两个爸爸 我相信 我知道你在加州查尔斯 |
| 29 | Thanks for coming on | 谢谢你能来 |
| 30 | Thank you for having me. | 谢谢你邀请我 |
| 31 | This is such a treat. | 真是个好东西 |
| 32 | Yeah, it has been so cool. | 是啊,它一直这么酷。 |
| 33 | As soon as your book came out. | 汝书一出. |
| 34 | I | 一、导 言 |
| 35 | Immediately ran and got it because I just don't find that there's that many resources on | 立刻跑过来,因为我发现没有那么多资源 |
| 36 | Communication. | 沟通. |
| 37 | I want to make sure that I | 我想确保我 |
| 38 | hit this question that I've it stuck out with me in the book and | 这个问题,我把它卡在书里 |
| 39 | Is that the most persuasive people don't argue their point? | 这是最有说服力的人不争论他们的观点吗? |
| 40 | They ask great | 他们问得好 |
| 41 | questions | 问 题 |
| 42 | Absolutely, and if I could write that down to put it on my mirror every day, I that's exactly what I would do | 当然,如果我能写下来 每天把它放在我的镜子上, 我这正是我会做的 |
| 43 | Can you tell us more about what that means to you and how people can people listening to it right now? | 你能告诉我们更多关于这对你意味着什么 以及人们如何可以听到它现在? |
| 44 | How can they apply it in there every day from the kitchen to the living room to their workplace? | 他们每天从厨房到客厅到工作室都怎么放进去? |
| 45 | Asking great questions. | 问甚深法门. |
| 46 | No, it's it what's really interesting is, you know when researchers started sort of identifying these folks that we we call consistent | 不,这是真正有趣的是, 你知道当研究人员开始 确定这些人,我们称之为一致的 |
| 47 | Super-communicators because we're all super communicators at one time or another | 超级通讯员,因为我们都是超级通讯员 |
| 48 | But but some people can essentially kind of connect with anyone | 但有些人基本上可以和任何人联系 |
| 49 | The number one behavior that they found was that these people tended to ask 10 to 20 times as many questions as the average person | 他们发现的头一个行为是 这些人往往问 10到20倍于普通人的问题 |
| 50 | And and and what's interesting though is and we all know people like this some of the questions you don't even register as questions | 有趣的是 我们都知道这样的人 有些问题你甚至不登记为问题 |
| 51 | They'll say things like, you know, oh, what do you think about that or you know, what do you say next? | 他们会说,你知道, 哦,你觉得怎么样 或者你知道,你说什么? |
| 52 | Essentially invitations to share with them | 主要邀请他们分享 |
| 53 | but then some of the questions that they are very comfortable asking are what are known as deep questions and | 但有些问题 他们很自在地问 所谓的深层问题 |
| 54 | a deep question is something that asks someone about their values or their beliefs or their experiences and | 一个很深的问题是,有人问到他们的价值观、信仰或经历, |
| 55 | That can sound kind of intimidating right when I'm like, oh you should ask people about their values or their experiences | 这听起来有点吓人 当我喜欢, 哦,你应该问 人们关于他们的价值观或经历 |
| 56 | Except that it's as simple as you know, if you meet someone who's a doctor instead of saying, you know | 只不过你知道的很简单 如果你遇到一个医生 而不是说 |
| 57 | Oh, what hospital do you work at you could ask? | 你在哪间医院工作? |
| 58 | Oh, what made you decide to go to medical school? | 哦,是什么让你决定去医学院? |
| 59 | Right that second question that invites the person to tell you something real, right? | 正确的第二个问题,请人 告诉你一些真实的东西,对不对? |
| 60 | That invites them to tell you sort of what they believe in or what their experiences were as a kid that sort of led them | 他们想告诉你 他们相信什么 或者他们小时候的经历 |
| 61 | To where they are. | 到其所处. |
| 62 | Yeah, that's a really powerful question. | 是啊,这是一个非常强大的问题。 |
| 63 | And and so I think that the most persuasive people | 所以我认为最有说服力的人 |
| 64 | They recognize the best communicator super communicators recognize | 他们承认最好的通讯员 超级通讯员认识到 |
| 65 | Asking these deep questions is just as easy as asking shallow questions | 问这些深层问题和问浅层问题一样容易 |
| 66 | But when I ask a deep question | 但当我问一个很深的问题 |
| 67 | I'm inviting you to have a real conversation with me | 我邀请你跟我好好谈谈 |
| 68 | And when you know that I'm listening to you you start to listen to me and then and then we're persuading each other | 当你知道我在听 你开始听我说 然后我们互相说服 |
| 69 | Yes, absolutely. | 是的,当然。 |
| 70 | It's | 这是 |
| 71 | What I hear is this everyday small talk that people feel most people feel anxious about that | 我所听到的是,这种日常的小 谈话,人们觉得大多数人 感到焦虑 |
| 72 | I don't want to ask the question to be too much | 我不想问太多问题 |
| 73 | you can have surface questions and deep questions and the great communicators have a | 你可以有表面问题 和深层问题 和伟大的沟通者有一个 |
| 74 | {\fn黑体\fs22\bord1\shad0\3aHBE\4aH00\fscx67\fscy66\2cHFFFFFF\3cH808080}在提出深层问题方面 绝妙的技巧 | |
| 75 | Sound just like the shallow ones. | 听起来就像浅薄的 |
| 76 | That's exactly right. | 没错 |
| 77 | You're not having to you know feel like what is your deepest desire? | 你不需要知道 感觉你最深的欲望是什么? |
| 78 | Tell me about your childhood like these things that right? | 跟我说说你的童年 是这样吗? |
| 79 | Oh, I don't I don't know you | 哦,我不认识你 |
| 80 | Is that is that the way you feel about it? | 这就是你的感受吗? |
| 81 | Like if you're gonna | 就像你会 |
| 82 | Conversation and instead of this what else question mark versus what else like you finding ways of sounding them? | 谈话,而不是这样... ...还有什么问题标记... ...而你喜欢什么方法去发声? |
| 83 | Sound like a statement | 听起来像一个声明 |
| 84 | That's definitely half of it right is that half of it is I can ask you a deep question that sounds like a shallow question | 这绝对是一半的权利 一半的权利是 我可以问你一个很深的问题 这听起来像一个很浅的问题 |
| 85 | So and oftentimes that's just a matter of asking you. | 所以经常只是问你的问题 |
| 86 | Here's here's the big tip is instead of asking you about the facts of your life | 这里有个大消息 不是问你生活的事实 |
| 87 | Ask you a question that would prompt you to talk about how you feel about your life | 问你一个问题 让你能谈谈你对人生的感受 |
| 88 | So instead of just asking, you know, where do you live? | 而不是问,你知道,你住在哪里? |
| 89 | Oh, I live in the Heights. | 哦,我住在高地里。 |
| 90 | Oh, what do you like about the Heights? | 你喜欢高地吗? |
| 91 | Right or you know | 对,或者你知道 |
| 92 | You can do it with almost anything. | 你几乎什么都做得到. |
| 93 | It's very very easy | 很简单 |
| 94 | Now the thing is that that's a great way to start a conversation and there's a guy named Nick Epley at the University of Chicago | 现在的问题是,这是一个伟大的方法 开始一个谈话 有一个叫尼克·埃普利的家伙 在芝加哥大学 |
| 95 | Who's basically spent studied deep questions his whole career. | 基本上被花光的人 深究了他的职业生涯 |
| 96 | I think that once you ask an easy-to-ask deep question | 我想一旦你问了一个容易问的深层问题 |
| 97 | It's actually much easier and much more welcome to ask a deep question | 问一个很深的问题,其实容易多了,欢迎多了 |
| 98 | That seems like a deep question, right if I ask you, you know, what do you like about the Heights and you say? | 这似乎是一个很深的问题, 如果我问你,你知道, 你喜欢什么 关于高地,你说? |
| 99 | Well, the sense of community is amazing up there. | 嗯,社区感是惊人的上面。 |
| 100 | Oh, yeah, wait, like what like tell me about it. | 哦,是的,等待,喜欢告诉我它。 |
| 101 | Like what's the community? | 像是什么社区? |
| 102 | Well, you know, my wife passed away a year ago and my neighbors have been there for me | 我妻子一年前去世了 邻居一直陪着我 |
| 103 | Then suddenly it's totally okay for me to say oh, I'm so sorry. | 突然间,我完全可以说 哦,我很抱歉。 |
| 104 | Like tell me about your wife. | 跟我说说你妻子 |
| 105 | What was she like? | 她长什么样? |
| 106 | Right. | 对 |
| 107 | What research shows is that we don't have a resistance to deep questions | 研究表明,我们没有 抵抗深刻的问题 |
| 108 | We have a resistance to deep questions that move a little bit too quickly | 我们遇到的深层问题 反应太快了 |
| 109 | But you can actually move fast if you ramp up the intimacy and so if I | 但是,你实际上可以快速移动 如果你加强亲密,所以如果我 |
| 110 | Ask you a question and this is the other thing that super communicators do and I think you talk about this in your own work | 问你一个问题,这是另一件事 超级通讯员做 我想你在自己的作品中谈论这个问题 |
| 111 | A lot that they look for opportunities | 很多他们寻找的机会 |
| 112 | Where people are trying to tell them what they want to talk about right? | 哪里有人想告诉他们他们想谈什么? |
| 113 | So let's take someone passing away | 所以,让我们带一个人过世 |
| 114 | This is the most night my own | 这是我最美好的夜晚 |
| 115 | My father passed away about seven years ago, and I went back to work. | 父亲大约七年前去世,我回去工作. |
| 116 | I was working the New York Times at that point | 当时我在《纽约时报》工作 |
| 117 | I went back to work and I had this this experience that I think everyone has had which is | 我回去工作,我有这种经历, 我想每个人都有,这是 |
| 118 | You know people say oh, where were you last week and you say I was at my dad's funeral and they all say the same thing | 你知道人们说哦,你在哪里上周 你说我在我爸爸的葬礼, 他们都说同样的事情 |
| 119 | They all say oh my condolences. | 他们都对我表示哀悼 |
| 120 | I'm so sorry | 对不起 |
| 121 | And then they move on to whatever you were talking about before right because like they don't know what to say | 然后他们继续你所说的一切 因为像他们不知道该说什么 |
| 122 | But anyone who's been through that experience knows that if somebody were to say like, oh, I'm so sorry | 但任何经历过这种经历的人都知道 如果有人说,哦,我很抱歉 |
| 123 | Like tell me what your dad was like | 比如告诉我你爸爸是什么样的人 |
| 124 | What was because that's all you've been thinking about for the last two weeks | 过去两周你一直在想这些 |
| 125 | Right as you've been thinking about your dad and the funeral and the eulogies and how much they touched you | 你一直想着你爸爸 葬礼 尤洛吉夫妇 他们多感动你 |
| 126 | And so I think what super communicators do is they look for people to offer them | 所以我认为超级通讯员所做的是 他们寻找人给他们 |
| 127 | Invitations and then they accept those invitations | 邀请,然后他们接受这些邀请 |
| 128 | even if accepting that invitation means I'm gonna ask you something that maybe is not something that | 即使接受邀请意味着我会问你一些 也许不是什么 |
| 129 | That I normally would ask right? | 我通常会问对吗? |
| 130 | Maybe maybe I sit down next to you in a in a meeting and you tell me about you fact that you went to your kids | 也许我坐在你旁边 在一个会议 你告诉我关于你的事实 你去了你的孩子 |
| 131 | Graduation that weekend and instead of just saying oh congratulations, that's awesome. | 那周末毕业 而不是只说恭喜,这是真棒。 |
| 132 | Let's get down to the agenda. | 让我们开始议程。 |
| 133 | I say oh congratulations | 我说恭喜 |
| 134 | That's awesome. | 这是真棒。 |
| 135 | What did it feel like to watch your kid walk across that stage? | 看着你的孩子穿过舞台是什么感觉? |
| 136 | Yeah, that's when suddenly we're connecting with each other. | 是啊,这时我们突然 连接彼此。 |
| 137 | I love that not asking about facts ask about how they feel | 我喜欢不问事实 问他们的感受 |
| 138 | That's something that's immediately applicable that somebody could apply and right now and I what I see too is in | 这是立即适用的东西 有人可以申请 现在和现在 而我看到的也是在 |
| 139 | My line as in work of as an attorney in cross-examination when you're asking somebody questions a | 我的工作是当律师 当你问别人的问题时 |
| 140 | lot of the time you can tell | 很多时间,你可以告诉 |
| 141 | What they're wanting to talk about based on how they end their first sentence | 他们想谈什么 根据他们是如何结束他们的第一句 |
| 142 | Oh, that's interesting when they end their answer. | 哦,这很有趣 当他们结束他们的答案。 |
| 143 | They might end it their answer just a little bit short | 他们可能会结束他们的回答 只是有点短 |
| 144 | Because they are trying to invite you to let them in just a little bit more the talk just a little bit more | 因为他们想邀请你 让他们多说点话 |
| 145 | So it's very telling how they end their answer they might end it on like a cliffhanger or somebody might say | 所以很能说明他们是如何结束他们的答案的 他们可能会像悬崖吊车一样结束 或者有人会说 |
| 146 | You know, yeah, and so they might they might end it with it. | 你知道,是的,所以他们可能 结束它。 |
| 147 | Yeah, so | 对,所以 |
| 148 | You know that's and they just they they've kind of hit a dead end | 你知道那是,他们只是 他们已经打到了死胡同 |
| 149 | They're not sure how to get there and so they're inviting you to kind of help me. | 他们不知道怎么去 所以邀请你帮我 |
| 150 | Yeah walk me through that door | 是啊,送我穿过那扇门 |
| 151 | I think that's huge and I think that's there's such a such a great insight that like just by paying attention to the | 我认为这是巨大的, 我认为这是一个 这样一个伟大的洞察力, |
| 152 | 弧杠 Ca | |
| 153 | Sometimes when we're communicating with someone we assume that they are communicating by accident, right? | 有时当我们和某个人交流时 我们假设他们是偶然的,对吧? |
| 154 | Oh, you mentioned you mentioned your kid's graduation, but you don't want to talk about your greatest resolution | 哦,你提到你提到 你的孩子的毕业, 但你不想谈论 你最大的决议 |
| 155 | You mentioned that you were at a funeral, but you don't want to talk about the funeral | 你提到你参加了葬礼 但你不想谈葬礼的事 |
| 156 | That's not how communication works. | 沟通不是这样的 |
| 157 | You mentioned things that we want to talk about | 你提到我们想谈的事 |
| 158 | We avoid things that we don't want to talk about | 我们避开我们不想谈的事情 |
| 159 | So if somebody has brought something up with you that shouldn't be like, oh no | 所以如果有人向你提起不该是 |
| 160 | I kind of touched the third rail there that should be oh this this person like they want me to ask about that | 我碰了第三根栏杆 应该是哦 这人就像他们要我问的 |
| 161 | That's so funny. | 这太好笑了 |
| 162 | Yeah, so my my grandfather would have this habit of when we'd be like at a restaurant all together | 是啊,所以我的祖父 会有这样的习惯 当我们会像在餐厅 一起 |
| 163 | and | 和 |
| 164 | he'd ask you, you know, Jefferson is that a | 他会问你,你知道,杰斐逊是一个 |
| 165 | How's that that fish and I'd say well, it's it's great | 那条鱼怎么样,我说得好,很好 |
| 166 | And it was an invitation for me to say would you like a bite like that? | 我邀请你说你想吃这种东西吗? |
| 167 | Always is like go to if he's would say yeah, how's that? | 总是喜欢去,如果他会说是,怎么样? |
| 168 | How's that chicken right there? | 那个鸡怎么样? |
| 169 | And it's his way of saying like that looks good. | 这是他说话的方式 看起来像很好。 |
| 170 | And I invite me go would you like anybody go? | 我邀请我去,你愿意有人去吗? |
| 171 | Yeah, I think I would | 是的,我想我会 |
| 172 | Sound like a super communicator. | 听起来像超级通讯员。 |
| 173 | I think you knew what he wanted | 我想你知道他想要的是什么 |
| 174 | It's the invitation right there is what you're hearing. | 你听到的就是邀请 |
| 175 | I love that. | 我喜欢 |
| 176 | The takeaway is | 外卖是 |
| 177 | Instead of trying to push your point or even in the small little everyday | 而不是试图推进你的观点 甚至在小小的日常 |
| 178 | Conversations you find ways to ask more questions super communicators ask much more | 你找方法问更多的问题 超级通讯员问的更多 |
| 179 | Than the average person on questions that they can put in to somebody else. | 比普通人的问题 他们可以给别人。 |
| 180 | Yeah, right the takeaways invest in the questions | 是啊,正确的外卖 投资的问题 |
| 181 | I think that's exactly right exactly it. | 我觉得这完全正确 |
| 182 | I love that | 我喜欢 |
| 183 | I want to tell you about a sponsor of this podcast called cozy earth | 我想告诉你一个赞助商 这个播客叫做舒适的地球 |
| 184 | The reason why I went with cozy was because hard to use their products their sheets are on my bed right now | 是因为很难使用他们的产品 他们的床单现在在我床上 |
| 185 | My wife loves their pajamas. | 我妻子很喜欢他们的睡衣 |
| 186 | I love their hoodies their sweatshirts their blankets | 我喜欢他们的帽衫 汗衫和毯子 |
| 187 | If you're like me and just want to be comfortable look no further than cozy earth | 如果你像我一样 只想舒服点 看着不比舒适的地球 |
| 188 | You can go to cozy earth comm slash Jefferson and use the code Jefferson for 40% off | 你可以去舒适的地球 通讯刀 杰斐逊 并使用代码杰斐逊 40%关闭 |
| 189 | 这是舒适的地球通讯 Jefferson用代码Jefferson的40% | |
| 190 | If you're a blanket person if you're a sheet person if you're a towel person, they're who you want. | 如果你是一个毯子人 如果你是一个床单人 如果你是一个毛巾人, 他们是你想要的。 |
| 191 | Go to cozy earth | 去舒适的地球 |
| 192 | In your book super communicators, which is fantastic. | 在你的书中,超级通讯员, 这太棒了。 |
| 193 | I encourage everybody right now while you're listening to this episode | 我鼓励大家现在 当你听这集时 |
| 194 | Just go run and buy it. | 去买吧 |
| 195 | It's it's it's wonderful. | 谓之妙法. |
| 196 | Thank you | 谢谢 |
| 197 | You talk about three types of conversations that people could be in really at any given time and that to me when I read it | 你谈论三种类型的对话, 人们可以真正在任何特定的时间 和我读它的时候 |
| 198 | It was just going oh, that's really cool and kind of breaking it up into I'm very visual | 它只是去 哦,这真的很酷 和那种打破它 我非常视觉 |
| 199 | Like any time you're in a conversation you have like a yellow wire a blue wire and a you know | 每当你说话的时候 就像黄线、蓝线和你知道的 |
| 200 | Which one to pull and what you do so well as you synthesize these and to say hey really any time you're in conversation | 哪个可以拉,什么你做的很好 你合成这些,并说你好 真的,当你在谈话 |
| 201 | You're in one of these three boxes. | 你在这三盒里 |
| 202 | Can you tell us about that? | 你能告诉我们吗? |
| 203 | Yeah, absolutely | 是啊,当然 |
| 204 | and this actually started a couple years ago before I wrote the book because I got into this bad habit with my wife which is | 这实际上开始 几年前,我写这本书 因为我有这种坏习惯 我的妻子,这是 |
| 205 | I'd come home from work and I start complaining about my day | 我下班回家 开始抱怨我的一天 |
| 206 | You know, like my boss doesn't appreciate me and my co-workers don't realize what a genius I am | 你知道,就像我的老板不欣赏我, 我的同事不知道我是一个天才 |
| 207 | And and she would give me this really good advice | 她会给我这个非常好的建议 |
| 208 | She would say why don't you take your boss out to lunch and get to know each other a little bit better | 她会说,你为什么不带你的老板出去吃午饭 和得到更多的了解对方。 |
| 209 | And instead of being able to hear what she was saying, I would get more upset, right? | 而不是能够听到她说的话 我会更生气,对不对? |
| 210 | Which I think every couple has experiences this and so I went to researchers and I was like, look, I'm a professional communicator | 我觉得每对夫妇都有这种经历 所以我去找了研究者 我就像 我是专业通讯员 |
| 211 | Why do I keep falling into the same trap? | 为什么我总是陷入同样的陷阱? |
| 212 | Like why do why do I try and solve her problems when she just wants me to listen and empathize? | 就像为什么我试图解决她的问题 她只是想让我倾听和同情她? |
| 213 | Why does the exact opposite occur and they said well, here's what we figured out | 为什么正好相反, 他们说好,这是我们想出来的 |
| 214 | Just actually in the last decade with neural imaging is that when you're in a discussion | 事实上在过去十年里 神经成像是 当你在讨论的时候 |
| 215 | You think you know what that discussion is about and you usually think it's about one thing | 你以为你知道讨论的内容 你通常认为只有一件事 |
| 216 | You think it's about where to go on vacation next year | 你觉得明年的假期该去哪? |
| 217 | Yeah, and they said what's actually true is that if we could see inside your head what we would see is that that discussion is made | 是的,他们说,事实上的真相是 如果我们能看到你的大脑里,我们会看到 |
| 218 | up of different kinds of conversations | 不同种类的对话 |
| 219 | right and and | 权利以及 |
| 220 | All these conversations are all happening during one discussion and they tend to fall into one of three buckets as you pointed out | 所有这些对话都是在一次讨论中发生的,它们往往会掉进三桶中的一桶。 |
| 221 | So in general our conversations are either practical conversations where we're making plans or solving problems together or they're emotional | 一般来说,我们的对话 要么是实际的对话 在那里我们制定计划 要么一起解决问题 要么是感情上的 |
| 222 | Conversations where I'm telling you what I'm feeling and I don't want you to solve my feelings | 交谈,我告诉你 我的感觉,我不想你解开我的感情 |
| 223 | I want you to empathize or their social conversations about how we relate to each other and have what how we relate to society and the | 我要你同情或他们的社交对话 关于我们如何联系 并有我们如何联系社会和 |
| 224 | identities that are important to us and | 对我们很重要的身份 |
| 225 | They said all three of those kinds of conversations are all equally legitimate and all three of them will probably happen during a discussion | 他们说这三种对话都一样合法 很可能在讨论期间进行 |
| 226 | If it goes on long enough | 如果时间够长 |
| 227 | But the key is if you and the person you're talking to aren't having the same kind of conversation at the same moment | 但关键是如果你和你说话的人 在同一时刻没有同样的谈话 |
| 228 | You will not feel connected to each other | 你们不会觉得彼此有联系 |
| 229 | In fact, you'll have trouble actually hearing what the other person is saying. | 事实上,你听不懂别人说什么 |
| 230 | And so that's what was happening with me and my wife, right? | 我和我妻子就是这样的 对吧? |
| 231 | I was having an emotional conversation. | 我有一个情感谈话。 |
| 232 | She was having a practical conversations. | 她有一个实际的对话。 |
| 233 | They're both equally legitimate | 他们都一样合法 |
| 234 | But because they weren't the same kind of conversation at the same moment, we couldn't hear each other | 但是,由于他们不是 同样的谈话在同一时刻, 我们无法听到对方 |
| 235 | Yeah, that's where somebody says you're not listening to me. | 是啊,这就是有人说 你没有听我说。 |
| 236 | You know exactly right, right, right? | 你很清楚,对不对? |
| 237 | And you're like I can repeat back exactly what you just said | 你就像我可以重复你刚才说的话 |
| 238 | But the truth is you're not actually listening you think you're listening | 但事实是你实际上没有在听 你以为你在听 |
| 239 | But because you're not in the same mindset as this other person because you're not hearing that. | 但因为你和这人不一样 因为你没有听到 |
| 240 | Oh, this is an emotional conversation | 哦,这是一段感情对话 |
| 241 | This isn't practical conversation. | 这不是实际的谈话。 |
| 242 | You're missing the important parts of what they're saying. | 你错过了他们所说的重要内容 |
| 243 | Yeah, I find that in those moments | 是的,我发现在那些时刻 |
| 244 | It's the person is not looking for reciprocal words. | 是人不求对言. |
| 245 | They're looking for reciprocal feeling | 他们正在寻找对等的感觉 |
| 246 | Emotional conversation when you're complaining about your day | 当你抱怨你的日子时 感情上的对话 |
| 247 | You're looking for a feeling from that other person the acknowledgement words don't do it words don't give it | 你想从另一个人那里得到一种感觉... ...承认的话不做... ... |
| 248 | It's the emotion the feeling that you go. | 你走的感觉就是感情 |
| 249 | Okay now we've connected the your white wire with my white wire | 好了 现在我们把你的白线和我的白线连在一起了 |
| 250 | And now I now we're connected. | 瞷иΤ闽玒 |
| 251 | Well, and what's amazing is that our words can actually disagree with us and will still feel connected | 令人惊奇的是 我们的言语实际上与我们不同 并且仍然会觉得彼此相连 |
| 252 | So like let's say we're talking about politics and we're both voting for different people | 所以说我们谈的是政治 我们都是为不同的人投票 |
| 253 | But you say like, you know | 但你说,像,你知道 |
| 254 | The thing that's most important to me is security because my own family has been threatened by crime in my area | 对我最重要的就是安全 因为我的家 被我这里的犯罪威胁 |
| 255 | Now I could say like oh but crimes down across the nation right you're saying you're making an emotional statement | 现在,我可以说,哦,但是犯罪 在全国,正确的,你是说 你正在做一个情感陈述 |
| 256 | I could say respond with something practical | 我可以说用实用的回答 |
| 257 | But if I say, you know, I totally I I feel that fear | 但是如果我说,你知道, 我完全感到恐惧 |
| 258 | I know what that fear is like now my solution is I think a little bit different from your solution | 我知道现在的恐惧是什么样 我的解决办法是 我觉得和你的解决办法有点不同 |
| 259 | But but I think that we have this thing in common | 但我觉得我们有共同点 |
| 260 | Even though we're our words will disagree with each other. | 虽然言语相违. |
| 261 | We will feel more connected | и穦稰谋Τ闽玒 |
| 262 | There's actually something that has evolved in our brain | 其实我们大脑里有些东西在进化 |
| 263 | Social reciprocity that makes it impossible for us not to feel a little bit more connected when we're having the same kind of | 社会对等性 使我们无法不感到 更多的联系 当我们有同样的 |
| 264 | Conversation at the same moment. | 同时议论. |
| 265 | That's wild | 这太疯狂了 |
| 266 | Yeah, it's really fun. | 是啊,这真的很有趣。 |
| 267 | Isn't it fun like the that we can be excited about communication like this | 我们能这么兴奋的交流 是不是很有趣? |
| 268 | We're part of the weirdos man | 我们是怪人的一员 |
| 269 | Well, and yet at the same time everyone communicates all day long, right? | 好吧,但与此同时,每个人都 沟通一整天,对不对? |
| 270 | The number this is the most important skill you can have as an attorney you could be that I'm you tell me but I imagine you | 这个号码是你作为律师所能掌握的 最重要的技能... ...你可以告诉我... |
| 271 | Could be the finest legal mind on the planet. | 这可能是地球上最好的法律思想。 |
| 272 | And if you can't communicate it doesn't matter | 如果你不能沟通 那不重要 |
| 273 | Yeah, it doesn't matter a lick. | 是啊,这不重要。 |
| 274 | No, it doesn't | 不,没有 |
| 275 | Yeah, look, I mean in and it it's so funny that you might have these brilliant minds | 是啊,你看,我的意思是, 它是如此的有趣,你可能 这些聪明的头脑 |
| 276 | But then the clients don't want to work with them because they don't feel like there's that service like they can talk for this person's yet | 但客户不想和他们合作 因为他们觉得没有那种服务 就像他们能为这个人说话一样 |
| 277 | Brilliant and there's so it's such a difference between your trial litigators and the people that are let's say more transactional | 聪明极了,你受审的 律师和那些 交易性更强的人之间有如此不同之处 |
| 278 | And so it's just so funny to to hear that and experience that but yeah | 听到这个和经历太有趣了 但是是的 |
| 279 | Communications a wonderful wonderful thing now. | 通讯现在是一个美妙的事物。 |
| 280 | I know that you also | 我知道你也一样 |
| 281 | You've done so much research. | 你做了这么多研究。 |
| 282 | In fact have a whole separate book on just habits the power of yeah habits | 事实上,有一本单独的书 专门介绍习性 |
| 283 | And of course everybody's looking for better habits. | 当然每个人都在找更好的习惯 |
| 284 | What would you say to the person listening right now is one habit? | 你会怎么说的人 现在听是一个习惯? |
| 285 | That they can work towards in their life right now to simply improve their communication | 他们现在可以努力改善他们的交流 |
| 286 | So it's so asking those deep questions is a great habit, right? | 问这些深层问题真是好习惯,对吧? |
| 287 | That's one thing and it's and it literally is a habit if you just kind of practice it you get it | 这是一件事,它和字面上的习惯 如果你只是练习一种,你得到它 |
| 288 | You start doing it without thinking about it. | 你开始做它 不考虑它。 |
| 289 | But there's another habit that's really really useful, which is | 但另一种习惯真的很有用,那就是 |
| 290 | Proving that you are listening | 证明你在听 |
| 291 | So one of the things that the research tells us and I'm sure you know this as as an attorney is that oftentimes | 所以,研究告诉我们的一件事 我相信你知道,作为一个律师 |
| 292 | Simply listening is not enough because the other person they have this sneaking suspicion | 仅仅听是不够的,因为另一个人 他们有这个偷偷的怀疑 |
| 293 | Particularly if this is a tough conversation if this is something we disagree about anyone if it's seeking suspicion | 特别是如果这是个艰难的谈话 如果这是我们不同意的东西 如果有人在寻找怀疑 |
| 294 | You're not actually listening. | 你没在听 |
| 295 | You're just pretending to listen and you're waiting your turn to speed, right? | 你只是假装听 和你在等待你的转速,对不对? |
| 296 | Like yeah, like yeah, you're just you're just staying silent until I shut up for a minute and then you're gonna jump in | 就像是的,就像是的, 你只是保持缄默 直到我闭嘴一分钟 然后你会跳进去 |
| 297 | So one of the things that we found is really important particularly in what are known as conflict conversations, right? | 因此,我们发现的一件事 真的很重要 特别是在所谓的冲突对话,对不对? |
| 298 | Where we just might we might disagree with each other or we might be talking about something | 我们可能彼此意见不一 也可能是在谈论什么 |
| 299 | That's hard to talk about like politics or religion in those conversations | 在那些对话中很难谈政治或宗教 |
| 300 | It's really really powerful to prove that we're listening and actually the proving part is is a habit | 证明我们在听 证明是习惯 |
| 301 | So there's a technique for it known as lubing for understanding that they they teach basically in every law school now | 因此,有一个技术 被称为Lubing 理解,他们基本上 教学 在现在的每一个法学院 |
| 302 | And it has these three parts. | 它有三个部分。 |
| 303 | The part one is to ask a question preferably a deep question, right? | 第一部分是问一个问题 最好是一个深层的问题,对不对? |
| 304 | Part two step two is when the person has answered that question | 第二部分第二步是当一个人回答了这个问题 |
| 305 | Try and repeat back in your own words | 用你自己的话重复一遍 |
| 306 | Which you heard them say and you've actually already done this a couple times in this conversation, right? | 你听到他们说的 你在这段谈话中已经做过几次了 对吧? |
| 307 | What I hear you saying is and I'm gonna prove to you not only because the goal here is not mimicry | 我听到你说的是 我要向你证明 不仅仅是因为目标不是模仿 |
| 308 | I'm gonna prove to you that not only am I paying attention | 我要向你证明 我不仅在注意 |
| 309 | I'm actually processing what you're thinking right or what you're saying | 其实我正在处理你的想法或你说的 |
| 310 | I can I can put it into different words and maybe even give you a little insight on it | 我可以用不同的话来说 甚至给你一点洞察力 |
| 311 | That you didn't have when you said it and most of us do step one and step two intuitively | 你说的时候你没有 而且我们大多数都是直觉的一步二步 |
| 312 | Step three is the one I always forget and this is where the habit comes in is | 我总是忘记第三步 习惯就在这里 |
| 313 | Once I repeat back what I heard you say ask if I got it, right | 一旦我重复我听到的 问你有没有得到,对吗? |
| 314 | Did I hear you correctly? | 我听的对吗? |
| 315 | I mean because when we do that what we're actually doing is we're asking for the other person | 我的意思是,当我们这样做时,我们实际上是在要求另一个人 |
| 316 | permission to acknowledge | 权限确认 |
| 317 | That we were listening | 我们在听 |
| 318 | And if I believe you are listening to me, I become much much more likely to listen to you in return | 如果我相信你在听我的话 我就会更愿意听你的 |
| 319 | So when I ask you permission to acknowledge that I was listening and you say yeah, I think you heard what I was saying | 所以当我请求你同意承认我在听 你说是的,我想你听到了我说的话 |
| 320 | You suddenly become much more likely to listen to me even on a subconscious level and that looping for understanding. | 你突然更愿意听我的 即使是在潜意识的层次 和循环的理解。 |
| 321 | That's entirely habit | 这完全是习惯 |
| 322 | Yes, I I could not agree more | 是的,我不能再认同了 |
| 323 | Listen, I care about you if you're listening to this podcast | 听着,我关心你 如果你听这个播客 |
| 324 | I care about you and because I care about you as somebody who also loves communication and conversations | 我关心你,因为我在乎你 作为一个也喜欢交流和谈话的人 |
| 325 | I know that you can't just have all these conversations in your head. | 我知道你不能在脑子里说这些话 |
| 326 | Yeah, I can give you advice | 是的,我可以给你建议 |
| 327 | But sometimes you need more you need to talk to somebody else who's trained in | 但有时你需要更多 你需要跟别人谈谈 谁受过训练 |
| 328 | Helping guide you through this and that's where therapy comes in. | 帮助引导你渡过难关 那就是治疗的源头 |
| 329 | I go to therapy | 我去治疗 |
| 330 | It's incredibly helpful and a sponsor of this podcast is better help what they do | 这个播客的赞助商 最好能帮助他们的工作 |
| 331 | It's an online platform where they can connect you with online therapists | 这是一个在线平台 他们可以连接你与在线治疗师 |
| 332 | All you have to do is fill out a quick questionnaire and they match you with a therapist | 你只需要填写一个快速的问卷 他们会给你一个治疗师 |
| 333 | And if it doesn't work out with somebody else, they can easily switch you to somebody new | 如果和别人不合作 他们可以轻易把你换成新人 |
| 334 | But the point is you're getting it out and diving deeper for better answers because conversations come with questions | 但重点是你要把它找出来 更深入地寻找更好的答案 因为对话会提出问题 |
| 335 | Therapy comes with answers. | 治疗有答案 |
| 336 | You can go to better help comm slash Jefferson Fisher for a discount on your first month | 你可以去更好的帮助通讯刀 杰斐逊费舍尔 在你的第一个月打折 |
| 337 | That's better help comm slash Jefferson Fisher | 最好能帮助通讯切开杰斐逊·费舍尔 |
| 338 | Put it in a nutshell how I interpret this is that for anybody listening number one | 简言之,我怎么解释的,是 对于任何听第一 |
| 339 | If you can ask a question instead of the response | 如果你可以提问而不是回答 |
| 340 | so anytime somebody sharing something with you we make a mistake when we all of a sudden start talking about ourselves like like | 所以每当有人和你分享一些东西 我们都会犯一个错误 当我们突然开始谈论自己喜欢 |
| 341 | Charles was saying you're just kind of waiting to be like no actually, you know what I did the other day and | 查尔斯说,你只是 那种等待 像没有,实际上,你知道我做了什么 前一天, |
| 342 | Instead of actually listening to somebody you can cure all that simply by asking one question one that I like to ask is | 而不是真正听别人的 你只要问一个问题就能治愈一切 |
| 343 | Asking them. | 问他们。 |
| 344 | What was your favorite part because everybody has a favorite part | 什么是你最喜欢的部分 因为每个人都有一个最喜欢的部分 |
| 345 | I do this with my kids and I'm sure you have the same thing with yours | 我和我的孩子们一起做这个 我敢肯定,你和你的孩子也一样 |
| 346 | Days done and if I say how was your day? | 几天过去了 如果我说你今天过得怎么样? |
| 347 | It's good. | 不错 |
| 348 | Like it's fine. | 如是细细. |
| 349 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 350 | Yeah, what'd you learn? | 是啊,你学到了什么? |
| 351 | I don't know like | иぃ笵 |
| 352 | If I ask what was your favorite part | 如果我问你最喜欢的是什么 |
| 353 | They almost always come up with something | 他们几乎总是想出什么来 |
| 354 | That was like uh, this is the thing that is my favorite part | 这就像呃,这是我最喜欢的部分 |
| 355 | And if you can just ask that one question it makes them feel like you're actually what they said has | 如果你能问一个问题 让他们觉得你就是他们说的 |
| 356 | Values instead of trying to step on their their story or step on what they're trying to share because you're really trying to be relatable | 价值观而不是试图踩踏他们的故事 或者踩踏他们想要分享的东西 因为你真的想要重塑 |
| 357 | But in some sense you're you're taking that away | 但从某种意义上说,你正在夺走它 |
| 358 | So asking just one question and then almost repeating back what they said | 所以只问一个问题 然后几乎重复他们说的话 |
| 359 | To make you feel that connection is just a brilliant strategy and it works | 让你觉得这种联系 只是一个辉煌的策略 它的工作 |
| 360 | Every time I mean i've seen it | 每次我指我看见它 |
| 361 | And what I love about that question is what what's your favorite part? | 我最爱问的是 你最喜欢什么? |
| 362 | Is it what you're actually asking is how do you feel about your day? | 你实际上在问的是 你对今天的感受如何? |
| 363 | Yeah, what was the part of your day that made you feel good? | 是啊,什么是你一天的部分 让你感觉很好? |
| 364 | What was the part of your day that that didn't make you feel good, right? | 你那天有什么不会让你感觉好点的,对吧? |
| 365 | That's that's why I think that question is so powerful with my kids | 这就是为什么我认为这个问题 对我的孩子是如此强大 |
| 366 | I try and um, I have a 13 year old and a 16 year old | 我试着,嗯,我有一个13岁和一个16岁 |
| 367 | You know when I ask them about their friends | 你知道我问他们朋友的事时 |
| 368 | I ask them questions like what do you admire about jasper like it seems like you like him a lot | 我问他们问题 就像你对Jasper的崇拜是什么 就像你喜欢他一样 |
| 369 | Right because at that moment what i'm actually asking them is i'm asking them | 对,因为当时我真正要问的是... 我问的是他们 |
| 370 | How do you feel about friendship? | 你对友谊有什么感觉? |
| 371 | How do you feel about this particular guy? | 你觉得这个家伙怎么样? |
| 372 | How do you what are the things you look for you value in another person and we like being asked questions like that, right? | 你对别人的看法如何? 我们喜欢被问到这样的问题,对吧? |
| 373 | We really do we really do anytime we get to um, I think talk about | 我们真的做我们真的做 只要我们得到嗯,我想谈谈 |
| 374 | The emotion behind the words. | 词背后的情感. |
| 375 | We're really searching for that. | 我们真的在寻找这个 |
| 376 | I that's exactly I hear you on that a thousand percent | 我听到的就是这千分百 |
| 377 | Because when you when you say what's your favorite part, it's not something practical | 因为当你说出你最喜欢的部分时 这不切实际 |
| 378 | It's not saying what you know knowledge did you receive? | 这不是说你知道的 你得到的知识? |
| 379 | It's a | 这是一个 |
| 380 | Being a favor or having a favor. | 做一个忙或有一个忙。 |
| 381 | It's a feeling | 这是一种感觉 |
| 382 | Of that's exactly right. | 完全没错 |
| 383 | This is what I gravitated towards the most | 这是我最引人注意的 |
| 384 | Maya angelou has this quote that that that research has borne out that | 玛雅·安杰鲁(Maya Angelou)有一句引文指出,研究证明, |
| 385 | Nobody will remember what you say, but they will remember how they how you made them feel | 没有人会记得你说的话,但他们会记得 你让他们的感受 |
| 386 | And it's exactly right | 这是正确的 |
| 387 | now I did want to address something that you had said before because you're you're exactly right asking these questions can be really powerful and | 现在,我确实想谈谈你之前说过的一些话, 因为你是对的,你问这些问题可能非常有力, |
| 388 | And there's a there are times when | 有的时候 |
| 389 | Sharing about ourselves can feel really selfish, right? | 分享我们自己会觉得很自私 对吧? |
| 390 | If somebody says, you know, oh, you know, I | 如果有人说,你知道, 哦,你知道,我 |
| 391 | If we ask where'd you go on vacation and they say oh I went to you know | 狦и拜度安 弧и |
| 392 | I went to spain and then you realize pretty quickly | 我去了西班牙,然后你很快意识到 |
| 393 | They only ask because they want to tell you about their vacation and the fancy yacht that they stayed on right exactly | 他们只因想告诉你他们的假期 和他们留在正确的游艇 |
| 394 | Yeah, that's not great | 是啊,这是不好的 |
| 395 | But there are times when looping for understanding proving we're listening does call on us to share something about ourselves | 但有时, 循环理解 证明我们正在听, |
| 396 | but the the takeaway here is | 但这里的外卖是 |
| 397 | When you share something about yourself | 当你分享自己的东西 |
| 398 | It should be | 应该是 |
| 399 | Because you want to connect with the other person you want to show them that you want to connect as opposed to | 因为你想和另一个人联系 你要向他们证明你想要联系而不是 |
| 400 | I want to steal the spotlight from you | 我想偷你的聚光灯 |
| 401 | Yeah, and so oftentimes what we'll see is you know | 是啊,我们经常看到的是,你知道 |
| 402 | Someone will say oh, you know my aunt passed away last week and someone will say I know exactly what that's like | 有人会说,哦,你知道我姨妈上周去世了 有人会说,我很清楚这是什么样子 |
| 403 | My dog died seven years ago and I still think about like that's not i'm not trying to share to connect with you | 我的狗七年前就死了 我仍然想着那不是我想和你分享 |
| 404 | I'm trying to steal the spotlight from you and and yeah aim it on myself | 我试图从你身上偷走聚光灯 并用它瞄准自己 |
| 405 | But to say to someone oh I you know | 但说给别人 哦,你知道的 |
| 406 | I was really close to my aunt too | 我也跟我姨妈很亲近 |
| 407 | And it she was such an important part of my life like tell me a little bit about your aunt like like what was she like? | 她是我的生命中很重要的一部分 比如告诉我一些关于你姨妈的事情 比如她是什么样子的? |
| 408 | In that case what i'm actually doing is i'm sharing of myself. | 那样的话,我真正要做的就是分享我自己 |
| 409 | I'm engaging in that social reciprocity | 我在做社会对等 |
| 410 | Right which feels really good and meaningful and trustworthy | 感觉很好 有意义 值得信赖的权利 |
| 411 | But i'm doing it in the service of trying to connect with you show you that I want to connect with you and learn from you | 但我这样做是为了努力与你联系 向你们证明我想与你们联系 向你们学习 |
| 412 | I find that even if somebody's telling me let's say about their hard day | 我发现,即使有人告诉我, 让我们说说他们的艰难一天 |
| 413 | You just say how was your day and they go on and on and on and you simply just say that sounds hard | 你只是说你的一天过得怎么样, 他们不停地,你只是说,这听起来很难 |
| 414 | Yeah, they're like, oh go. | 是啊,他们喜欢,哦,走。 |
| 415 | Yes. | 对 |
| 416 | Um, like that's all they needed. | 嗯,就像这就是他们需要的。 |
| 417 | That's all they needed was oh, that's | 这就是他们需要的,哦,这就是 |
| 418 | Oh, that's for if they're complaining about what somebody did to them and go. | 哦,那是因为他们抱怨 有人对他们做了什么然后走了。 |
| 419 | Yeah, that sounds rude | 是啊,这听起来很粗鲁 |
| 420 | Like isn't it like it's just yeah, that's all they're they're wanting the feeling | 就像它是不是像只是是啊, 这就是他们想要的感觉 |
| 421 | I'm just gonna say they teach teachers to do this by telling them that if if a student comes in they want to have a | 我只是要说,他们教教师 做到这一点,告诉他们,如果一个学生进来 他们想有一个 |
| 422 | You know a conversation start the conversation by asking them. | 你知道一个谈话开始 通过问他们。 |
| 423 | Do you want to be helped? | 你想得到帮助吗? |
| 424 | Do you want to be hugged or do you want to be heard which is the the practical this emotional and the social conversation? | 你是想被拥抱 还是想被听到 这就是这种情感和社交对话的实用之处? |
| 425 | Because to exactly your point if a kid says no | 因为对于你的观点,如果一个孩子说不 |
| 426 | No, I just need you to like I just need you to know what's going on | 不,我只是需要你喜欢 我只是需要你知道发生了什么 |
| 427 | Then you can say oh that sounds really hard | 那你可以说哦 这听起来真的很难 |
| 428 | Like that's all that you need. | 就像这就是你所需要的。 |
| 429 | You've told me that's all that you need to feel | 你告诉我,这就是你需要的 |
| 430 | To feel good about this that sounds difficult. | 感觉好点 这听起来很困难 |
| 431 | That sounds hard. | 这听起来很难。 |
| 432 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 433 | Yeah, I mean all of that it | 是啊,我的意思是这一切 |
| 434 | It's much more powerful than just the words themselves in your book | 这比书里的话要强得多 |
| 435 | You have a section in fact several different parts where you talk about jury deliberations | 你有一个部分实际上 几个不同的部分 你谈论陪审团审议 |
| 436 | Yeah, and I got into that and I was like, all right, here we go because I | 是啊,我进入了这个,我就像, 好吧,我们走了,因为我 |
| 437 | Of course in my legal background, I love this kind of stuff | 当然,在我的法律背景,我喜欢这种东西 |
| 438 | Uh, also if you've never seen the movie 12 angry men | 呃,同样,如果你从来没有看过电影 12愤怒的男人 |
| 439 | Fantastic | 好厉害 |
| 440 | Movie that I think illustrates a lot of the points that were being made and what I took away from it | 我认为这部电影说明了许多 正在提出的要点 以及我从中夺走的东西 |
| 441 | Is that anytime you you take 12 people they go back to do any kind of jury deliberation whether it's civil case | 你随时带12个人回去 做任何陪审团评议 不管是民事案件 |
| 442 | Criminal case | 刑事案件 |
| 443 | There has to be a foreman somebody who's kind of the ringleader a lot of times that happens to be a teacher | 一定有个领头人 经常是头目 碰巧是老师 |
| 444 | Because teachers just naturally interesting are one. | 因为老师自然是有趣的 |
| 445 | Oh, yeah gathering people believe it or not in trial | 哦,是的,聚集人们 相信与否在审判 |
| 446 | When you're picking a jury most people won't pick teachers | 当你选择一个陪审团 大多数人不会选择老师 |
| 447 | Huh? | 是吗? |
| 448 | Um because | 因为 |
| 449 | Most people tend to go the teacher's way | 多数人喜欢走老师的路 |
| 450 | and so | 就这样 |
| 451 | if | 若为 |
| 452 | A teacher is on the jury | 陪审团里有个老师 |
| 453 | They are very opinionated and they're very good at | 他们很有见解,很擅长 |
| 454 | Teaching others to match their opinion. | 教他人相应见解. |
| 455 | That's to me. | 这是给我的。 |
| 456 | That's fascinating | 真让人着迷 |
| 457 | It's too much of a risk on a jury to have a teacher because you don't know | 陪审团的风险太大了 不能有老师 因为你不知道 |
| 458 | Are they going to go for your side or the other side right there on your side? | 他们要去你那边 还是你那边? |
| 459 | Great | 不错 |
| 460 | That means most people are going to be on your side | 也就是说大多数人都会站在你这边 |
| 461 | It's just so funny how a lot of the times teachers are very polarizing because they are very quick | 这太有趣了,很多时间 老师非常两极化,因为他们非常快 |
| 462 | And they pick up on a lot of different things and they're great at | 他们拿起很多不同的东西 他们很好 |
| 463 | Just teaching and juries they'll and jury deliberations. | 只是教书和陪审团 他们会和陪审团评议。 |
| 464 | They'll teach other people | 他们会教别人的 |
| 465 | And so some people like that. | 所以有些人喜欢这样。 |
| 466 | Some people don't know can I ask you something actually? | 有人不知道我能问你个问题吗? |
| 467 | Yeah | 对 |
| 468 | Choosing when you're choosing your jury you're going through voir dire and you're asking the questions and you're listening to what they're saying | 当你选择你的陪审团时 你将经历一个非常艰难的过程 你问问题 你听他们说什么 |
| 469 | How accurate do you think you can be in figuring out? | 你觉得你能确定多少? |
| 470 | What kind of mind like what what frame of mind that person is and what they're going to bring to the jury room | 什么样的思维 喜欢什么样的思维 是什么框架的人是什么 和他们要带到陪审团室 |
| 471 | Yeah, so | 对,所以 |
| 472 | First off for anybody hearing he said flawed deer in texas. | 首先,任何人听到他说有缺陷的鹿 在德克萨斯。 |
| 473 | We call that vor dire | 我们称这为恐怖 |
| 474 | And it's what it is it's the process of asking a jury questions | 这正是向陪审团提问的过程 |
| 475 | so if you ever got a jury summons you go into the room and there's a whole bunch of | 如果你收到陪审团的传票... ...你就进房间去... ...还有一大堆... |
| 476 | perspective jurors that they call the veneer and | 观点陪审员,他们称 veneer和 |
| 477 | Attorneys get to ask them questions and then they attorneys get to pick the people they want to be in the jury | 律师可以问他们问题 然后律师可以挑选他们想在陪审团的人 |
| 478 | It's a whole process that's supposed to push in fairness. | 这是整个过程,应该促进公平. |
| 479 | Now. | 现在 |
| 480 | The question is | 问题是 |
| 481 | Do you think that there's a way that we can kind of sense? | 你觉得有办法我们能感觉到吗? |
| 482 | This person's personality which way they're going to go. | 这个人的个性 他们将走的方式。 |
| 483 | What's their temperature? | 他们的温度是多少? |
| 484 | I would say yes | 我会答应的 |
| 485 | so what I like to do and what i've gotten good at is you use | 所以我喜欢做什么, 我得到了什么好 是,你用 |
| 486 | A perspective juror almost as an early witness, so I might ask a question. | 一个观点陪审员几乎是一个早期的证人, 所以我可能会问一个问题。 |
| 487 | I've done it before where | 我曾经在什么地方做过 |
| 488 | You know the officer let's say to add an accident officer really didn't pay attention to my client | 你知道那个警官... ...我们说加个事故警官... |
| 489 | He was going to get talking to other people in the accident, but never really asked my client any questions | 他本来想和事故中的其他人谈的 但从未真正问过我的客户任何问题 |
| 490 | and so | 就这样 |
| 491 | I asked the the jury, you know, have you ever been in an accident hands raised? | 我问陪审团,你知道, 你曾经在事故的手 升起? |
| 492 | You have or police officers involved. | 你和警察有关系 |
| 493 | Yes, you ever had it to a place? | 是的,你曾经有它到一个地方? |
| 494 | I really didn't ask you anything a few people answered so I get to talk to them | 我真的没有问你什么 几个人回答,所以我可以和他们谈谈 |
| 495 | Well, how did that make you feel? | 那你觉得怎么样? |
| 496 | Well, I kind of felt dismissed by that. | 嗯,我有点觉得 解雇了。 |
| 497 | Okay noted and so | 好吧,注意到了,这样 |
| 498 | Anybody else ever felt dismissed, you know in a in a case where you felt like you you weren't hearing | 其他人都觉得被解职了 在一个你觉得自己没听到的案子里 |
| 499 | You're pulling out and you knew what you knew some other hands were raised and you kind of get to use that person as a | 你拔出来,你知道你知道什么 你知道一些其他的手被举起... ... |
| 500 | As a voice almost. | 作为声音几乎。 |
| 501 | Oh, that's interesting to influence the other people's | 哦,这很有趣 影响别人的 |
| 502 | opinion | 意见 |
| 503 | And it's putting a temperature and tone to where my position is going to be | 它把温度和语气 放在我的位置将是什么 |
| 504 | And then if i'm going to try and get that person on the jury most likely they're not if they answer | 如果我想让陪审团里的人 很可能他们不会回答 |
| 505 | If you want to get knocked out of a jury, uh, all you have to do is talk a lot in | 如果你想被陪审团打倒,嗯, 你要做的就是说很多在 |
| 506 | {\fn黑体\fs22\bord1\shad0\3aHBE\4aH00\fscx67\fscy66\2cHFFFFFF\3cH808080}Ordnire {\fn黑体\fs22\bord1\shad0\3aHBE\4aH00\fscx67\fscy66\2cHFFFFFF\3cH808080}你几乎可以保证不能上台 {\fn黑体\fs22\bord1\shad0\3aHBE\4aH00\fscx67\fscy66\2cHFFFFFF\3cH808080}因为你已经表明你非常有见解了 | |
| 507 | So that means one side isn't going to like you | 也就是说一方不会喜欢你 |
| 508 | But that means when i'm asking my questions to the witness i'm going to ask those have you ever felt? | 但这意味着当我向证人提问时 我会问那些你曾经感受到过的东西? |
| 509 | Dismissed you know what? | 你知道吗? |
| 510 | I mean, i'm i'm bringing that theme up again every single time | 我是说,我每次都提起这个话题 |
| 511 | So I was trying to so those little things like that's really interesting. | 所以我想让这些小事情变得很有趣。 |
| 512 | I love it | 我喜欢 |
| 513 | and what you do so well in the book | 书里写得那么好 |
| 514 | Is you put pull together these concepts of how people interact what you called? | 你把人们如何互动的概念集合起来了吗? |
| 515 | I believe it was like a quiet negotiation | 我相信这就像一个安静的谈判 |
| 516 | Yeah, who's going to talk first? | 是啊,谁先说话? |
| 517 | How are we going to? | 我们要怎么做? |
| 518 | How are we going to set the structure? | 我们如何建立结构? |
| 519 | Around how we are to communicate and I was curious | 我们如何沟通 我很好奇 |
| 520 | What you see is our daily application of the quiet negotiation | 你所看到的是我们每天 静静的谈判的应用 |
| 521 | So I think quiet negotiations happen all the time and I love that story about the jury | 所以,我认为安静的谈判 总是发生,我喜欢的故事 关于陪审团 |
| 522 | Um, you know, I tried to throughout the book | 嗯,你知道,我试图 整个书 |
| 523 | I tried to tell a bunch of stories just because I think it's more interesting like a story about a cia officer recruiting | 我试图讲一堆故事 只是因为我觉得这更有趣 就像一个关于中情局军官招募的故事 |
| 524 | Overseas spies and how the big bang theory became such a big hit | 海外间谍和大爆炸理论 如何成为如此巨大的打击 |
| 525 | but in that story in particular this idea of quiet negotiation comes up, which is | 但在这个故事中,特别出现了这种静默谈判的想法,即 |
| 526 | And research sort of shows us that every time we engage in a conversation that at least the beginning of it | 研究显示 每次我们开始谈话时 |
| 527 | Is oftentimes a quiet negotiation and a quiet negotiation | 经常是静谈 静谈 |
| 528 | The goal of a quiet negotiation is not to win the negotiation the quiet the goal of a quiet negotiation is to understand what the other person wants | 静默谈判的目的不是要赢得谈判 静默谈判的目的是要了解别人想要什么 |
| 529 | Right. | 对 |
| 530 | So when when I sit down with my wife and we talk about where to go on vacation next year | 所以当我和我妻子坐下来 我们谈论明年的度假 |
| 531 | I might start the conversation by saying, you know, like tell me like what what do you want out of a vacation? | 我开始谈话时可能要说,你知道的, 比如告诉我,你想从度假中得到什么? |
| 532 | Like like what you like about last year. | 就像你喜欢的去年。 |
| 533 | What do you like about next year? | 明年怎么样? |
| 534 | And and she's going to give me some answers and i'm going to respond to those i'm going to tell her | 她会给我一些答案 我会回答那些我要告诉她的 |
| 535 | Oh, you know, I liked that too | 哦,你知道,我也喜欢这样 |
| 536 | But here's something I didn't like and what we're doing is we're engaging in a little bit negotiation | 但这里我不喜欢的东西, 而我们正在做的是,我们正在进行 一点点谈判 |
| 537 | Not just about where to go on vacation | 不仅仅是去度假 |
| 538 | But also what kind of conversation we're going to have | 但是我们还要进行什么样的对话 |
| 539 | Is this a conversation where like you tell me what you want and I it's it's your way or the highway | 这是谈话吗? 就像你告诉我你想要什么,我这是你的方式或高速公路 |
| 540 | Or is this a conversation where we kind of go back and forth and we share with each other? | 或谓此谈时,我们相往而往,共共之乎? |
| 541 | Or is this a conversation where like we're just dreaming like we dream as big as we want to and we know that there's no | 或这是谈话,我们只是做梦 就像我们做梦一样大 |
| 542 | Consequences, we're probably not going to end up going to you know on three safaris in one year | 后果是,我们可能不会最终 让你知道 在一年中的三次游猎 |
| 543 | That the quiet negotiation is something that happens in every conversation and it's how we figure out how to talk to each other | 静悄悄的谈判是每一次谈话中发生的事情 也是我们如何互相交谈的 |
| 544 | How formal am I going to be? | 我会有多正式? |
| 545 | Can I make jokes or is this like a serious conversation? | 我能开个玩笑吗? 还是说真的? |
| 546 | like what | 喜欢什么 |
| 547 | And we do | 我们做 |
| 548 | Yeah, you're feeling them out and it's we do this subconsciously, right? | 是啊,你感觉他们出来, 它是我们这样做的潜意识,对不对? |
| 549 | We do it almost without noticing it | 我们几乎没有注意到它 |
| 550 | But the people who do notice it just a little bit | 但是,人们确实注意到它 只是一点点 |
| 551 | They're the ones who end up being very persuasive and very good communicators | 他们最后是很有说服力的好沟通者 |
| 552 | Because when we say this person is telling me what kind of conversation they want to have | 因为当我们说这个人是在告诉我 他们想谈什么 |
| 553 | We become a little bit more attuned to paying attention to what kind of conversation they want to have | 我们更喜欢注意他们想谈什么 |
| 554 | Because they might give us a clue. | 因为他们可能给我们一个线索。 |
| 555 | They might they might they might sound really serious | 他们也许听起来很严肃 |
| 556 | We might be talking about budgets for next year. | 我们可能会谈论明年的预算。 |
| 557 | It seems like this is a practical conversation | 这似乎是一个实际的对话 |
| 558 | Yeah, and they say something like, you know, i'm just really i'm really anxious. | 是啊,他们说,喜欢,你知道, 我只是真的很焦虑。 |
| 559 | We're gonna have layoffs | 我们要裁员了 |
| 560 | If i'm listening to that quiet negotiation | 如果我在听那安静的谈判 |
| 561 | I'm hearing you say oh, this is actually an emotional conversation for you before it's a practical conversation | 我听到你说,哦,这其实是一个情感谈话 你之前,这是一个实际谈话 |
| 562 | You are anxious and you're worried those emotions are driving your decisions | 你很焦虑,你担心那些情绪 驱动你的决定 |
| 563 | And until we acknowledge those and we kind of like put them on the table | 直到我们承认这些 我们喜欢把它们放在桌子上 |
| 564 | We're not going to be able to have a practical conversation about the numbers | 我们无法就数字进行实际对话 |
| 565 | Yeah, i'd love that point of there's the silence before the conversation that you're looking for clues | 是啊,我喜欢的要点 有沉默之前 你寻找线索 |
| 566 | you're filling them out like | 你像填满他们 |
| 567 | Maybe you meet somebody new for the first time and maybe y'all spent kind of 10 minutes around each other | 也许你们第一次认识新人 也许你们在对方身边待了10分钟 |
| 568 | and you you learned | 而你却学会了 |
| 569 | What they're like that maybe there's somebody who has really dry humor | 他们是什么样子的 也许有人 谁真的干幽默 |
| 570 | Or somebody that just kind of you silently kind of start roasting the other people in the room or maybe you start right, you know | 或者你这种人... 开始把房间里的其他人烤焦 或者你开始正确 |
| 571 | Um you you or it could be on the other side somebody comes into your office and they're in tears, you know | 你或可能是在另一边 有人走进你的办公室 他们眼泪淋漓 |
| 572 | It's about to be a very serious confidential | 这将会是一个非常严重的机密 |
| 573 | Conversation or when somebody goes leans in it's like hey real quick | 交谈或有人倾斜,就像嘿,真的快 |
| 574 | Just just between me and you it's like hey all of a sudden we we've now zeroed in on each other of | 只是我和你之间,就像嘿, 突然之间,我们已经 零了彼此 |
| 575 | How we're going to communicate so that feeling this person out | 我们如何沟通,让这个人感到 |
| 576 | Uh, it's funny how we almost do that | 呃,这很有趣 我们如何几乎做到这一点 |
| 577 | Programmatically just we absolutely | 程序上我们绝对 |
| 578 | There's no words that need to be said, but i'm going to adjust my behavior | 没有话要说 但我要调整我的行为 |
| 579 | Simply by the energy that i'm matching with the other person | 仅凭我和另一个人的能量 |
| 580 | And that's a really important word energy because we let's talk for a second about what's happening inside our brains at that moment | 这是一个非常重要的词 能量,因为我们来谈谈 我们大脑中发生的事情 |
| 581 | So | 这么说 |
| 582 | When we're in a conversation and it's a good conversation a conversation where we feel like the other person understands us. | 当我们在谈话时,这是一个很好的谈话 我们觉得对方理解我们。 |
| 583 | We understand them | 我们理解他们 |
| 584 | What's happening is that our bodies and our brains are changing | 我们的身体和大脑都在改变 |
| 585 | So even in this conversation, even though we're separated by many thousands of miles | 所以,即使在这次对话中, 尽管我们分开了几千英里 |
| 586 | The our heart rates are are matching each other more and more our breath patterns are matching each other more and more | 我们的心率越来越相匹配 我们的呼吸模式越来越相匹配 |
| 587 | Even the dilation of our pupils | 连瞳孔都放大了 |
| 588 | Will start to sync up and most importantly | 将开始同步,最重要的是 |
| 589 | Our neural activity what's happening inside our brains if we could look inside both of our brains | 我们的神经活动 大脑里面发生的事情 如果我们能检查我们两个大脑 |
| 590 | What we would see is that they are starting to look more and more similar | 我们所看到的是,他们 开始看起来越来越相似 |
| 591 | And within neuroscience, I hate that for you. | 在神经科学方面,我讨厌你 |
| 592 | Honestly, I hate that | 说真的,我讨厌这样 |
| 593 | I love it. | 我喜欢它。 |
| 594 | I'm good with it | и⊿拜肈 |
| 595 | Within neurosciences is known as neural entrainment | 在神经科学中被称为神经内存 |
| 596 | And this is actually the goal of communication | 这其实是交流的目的 |
| 597 | The goal of communication | 交流的目标 |
| 598 | Is for our thoughts to become aligned | 是让我们的思想一致 |
| 599 | Because when they are aligned | 因为当它们合在一起时 |
| 600 | I understand what you're saying and I feel connected to you and you understand what i'm saying | 我明白你在说什么,我觉得和你有关 你明白我在说什么 |
| 601 | and so when you mentioned before we're trying to pick up on their energy what we're really trying to pick up on there is | 所以,当你提到之前 我们试图取回他们的能量 我们真正试图取回的是那里 |
| 602 | How are they expressing to us through not only their words, but everything around their words | 他们是如何表达给我们的 不仅通过他们的言语, 并且所有围绕着他们的言语 |
| 603 | Which part of their brain they're using how their brain is functioning | 他们大脑的哪一部分 利用大脑的功能 |
| 604 | This is why the three different kinds of conversations because they use three different parts of our brain | 这就是为什么三种不同的对话 因为他们使用我们大脑的三个不同部分 |
| 605 | That's why matching each other is so powerful | 所以相配才那么厉害 |
| 606 | Is it makes us easier for us to entrain with each other if we're having the same kind of conversation | 那样我们就能轻松相处了 如果我们有同样的谈话 |
| 607 | Absolutely. | 当然 |
| 608 | I love it this uh, this last question. | 我喜欢这个,嗯,最后一个问题。 |
| 609 | Oh, it's really me. | 哦,这真的是我。 |
| 610 | Is this um, this is a selfish question for me | 这个问题对我来说是个自私的问题 |
| 611 | How has your own communication changed in your life now having written an amazing communication? | 你写了一篇令人惊叹的通信 现在自己的沟通是如何改变的? |
| 612 | book | 书本 |
| 613 | uh, you know, I mean i'm familiar with | 嗯,你知道,我的意思是,我很熟悉 |
| 614 | Maybe the the personal side of like you might be like, oh, okay. | 也许像你一样的私人方面, 哦,好吧。 |
| 615 | This is the best you got | 这是你最好的 |
| 616 | I think you wrote a book about this and we're now in this argument. | 我认为你写了一本关于这个的书 而我们现在在争论。 |
| 617 | Yes, right | 对,对 |
| 618 | You know, there's a book my wife often says there's a book you should read | 你知道,有一本书 我妻子经常说有本书 你应该读 |
| 619 | Yeah, yeah, so so I you get that from your wife too. | 是啊,是啊,所以我给你 从你的妻子。 |
| 620 | She's like, you know, there's some videos you might want to watch about your community | 她喜欢,你知道,有一些视频 你可能会想看 关于你的社区 |
| 621 | right | 对 |
| 622 | Um, I would say so I think twofold that the first thing is I just pay a lot more attention | 嗯,我会说,所以我觉得双重的, 第一件事就是 我只是给予更多的关注 |
| 623 | To what kind of conversation is happening now? | 现在在谈什么? |
| 624 | You know when my kids come to me | 你知道当我的孩子来找我 |
| 625 | it's so easy when your kids come up to assume that they're just asking you for help and to solve their problems for them, but | 当你的孩子来 假设 他们只是请求你 帮助和解决他们的问题, |
| 626 | You know | 你知道吗 |
| 627 | Do they want to be helped heard or hugged? | 他们想听话还是拥抱? |
| 628 | And sometimes sometimes they don't want to be helped | 有时候他们不想得到帮助 |
| 629 | They just want me to hear what's going on and to understand and be able to say like look it is | 他们只是想让我听到发生的事情 了解并能够说出它的样子 |
| 630 | It is okay that you feel that way because I feel that way all the time or sometimes they just need a hug | 你这样想没关系 因为我一直这样想 或者有时他们只需要拥抱 |
| 631 | You just need to say like look | 你只需要说像看 |
| 632 | It's not necessarily going to get better tomorrow | 明天不一定会好起来的 |
| 633 | But today I can give you a hug and I can so I try and pay a lot more attention to | 但今天我可以给你一个拥抱,我可以 所以我尽量多加注意 |
| 634 | What signals is someone sending me about what kind of conversation they want to have? | 什么信号是有人送我 关于他们想有什么样的谈话? |
| 635 | but then the second way it's impacted my life is that | 但是,第二 影响我的生活是 |
| 636 | There's a study known as the the harvard study of adult development where they they followed thousands of people around for over 80 years | 有个研究叫做哈瓦德研究 成人发展 他们跟随上千人 |
| 637 | And they were trying to figure out | 他们试图找出 |
| 638 | What are the things earlier in life that make you? | 生活早期的东西是什么? |
| 639 | Healthy and happy and successful at age 65, however, you define success | 健康、快乐、成功, |
| 640 | They had all these theories like if you had a if you because it's done at harvard | 他们有这些理论 就像如果你有的话 因为那是在哈佛做的 |
| 641 | They're like if you went to harvard, you're definitely going to be happy healthy and successful turns out | 他们就像你去了哈瓦德, 你肯定会幸福的健康和成功的结果 |
| 642 | That's not true | 这不是真的 |
| 643 | That if you get married early and you stay married longer that you're definitely going to be happy healthier and successful | 如果你早点结婚,再多待一段时间... ...那你一定会幸福的... |
| 644 | Not necessarily a lot of overlap there | 不一定有很多重叠之处 |
| 645 | The only thing that they found was a predictor at age 65 was if you had a handful of close relationships at age 45 | 他们发现的只有65岁时的预测器 就是你45岁时的亲密关系 |
| 646 | And that the way that we maintain those relationships is through conversation, right? | 而我们保持这些关系的方式 就是通过对话,对不对? |
| 647 | If I have people I feel close to by the time i'm 65 and i've been close to them for a while | 如果我有我65岁的时候感觉亲近的人 我和他们很亲近 |
| 648 | Then i'm going to live longer. | 然后我会活得更长。 |
| 649 | I'll live up to seven years longer | 我会活到七年多 |
| 650 | I'll oftentimes be more financially successful because i'm exposed to different kinds of opportunities | 我常常在经济上比较成功 因为我有不同的机会 |
| 651 | And most importantly i'm just happier | 最重要的是,我只是高兴 |
| 652 | like | 喜欢 |
| 653 | Spending time with other people and communicating with other people as you've pointed out in so much of your work | 花时间和别人交流 就像你在很多工作中所指出的 |
| 654 | That is the thing that gives life meaning | 这就是生命的意义 |
| 655 | And so I have tried very deliberately | 所以我很刻意地尝试 |
| 656 | To think about maintaining those relationships. | 考虑保持这些关系。 |
| 657 | There's people who I feel close to who I talk to twice a year | 有的人我感觉接近 谁我说话一年两次 |
| 658 | But I make a point of talking to them twice a year and I set up | 但我想和他们谈谈 一年两次,我设置 |
| 659 | You know an hour 90 minutes to catch up with each other and you know | 你知道一个小时90分钟 赶上对方,你知道 |
| 660 | The first five minutes are going to be kind of awkward, right? | 前五分钟会有点尴尬吧? |
| 661 | It's going to be like what's your kid's name again? | 你的孩子又会叫什么来着? |
| 662 | How old are they? | 他们多大了? |
| 663 | But then you're going to be in it and you're going to feel close to each other | 但之后你们会参与其中,会觉得彼此亲近 |
| 664 | And that that is an investment that pays off over the long term like you wouldn't believe | 长期来说,这是一笔投资,你不会相信 |
| 665 | That hit me like a ton of bricks what you said about your kids | 你说的你孩子的事让我一团糟 |
| 666 | how | 怎么样 |
| 667 | So often we see it as when they come to us. | 我们经常看到他们来找我们 |
| 668 | We're assuming they're asking for help | 我们假设他们在求救 |
| 669 | And that is not always the case because like my daughter | 事情并非总是如此 因为像我女儿一样 |
| 670 | She's learning how to tie shoes | 她学着系鞋带 |
| 671 | and so | 就这样 |
| 672 | She really doesn't want my help. | 她真的不需要我帮忙 |
| 673 | She's wanting me to watch it's always hey dad watch this | 她想让我看 爸爸看这个 |
| 674 | Hey daddy watch this same with my son | 糑 蛤иㄠ妓 |
| 675 | It's just they're wanting me to observe and acknowledge and be part of it | 只是他们想让我观察和承认 并参与其中 |
| 676 | Rather than me trying to be like what what do you need? | 而不是我试图成为你需要什么? |
| 677 | No, you're fine. | 不,你没事。 |
| 678 | You don't need my help | 你不需要我帮忙 |
| 679 | Like yeah, yeah, you're good. | 喜欢,是的,你是很好的。 |
| 680 | Oh, do you mean do it for you? | 哦,你是说为你做吗? |
| 681 | No, no, no, no, it's | 不,不,不,这是 |
| 682 | That's not it | 不是那样的 |
| 683 | Yeah, that's that's beautiful. | 是啊,这是美丽的。 |
| 684 | Can I ask you because you've been thinking about this stuff for a long time | 我能问你 因为你已经想了很久了 |
| 685 | How do you feel like your communication has changed as a result of thinking about it so deliberately and explaining it to other folks? | 你觉得你的沟通会因如此刻意的思考而改变吗? |
| 686 | I got this weird habit that i've always had charles of | 我有一个奇怪的习惯, 我一直有查理斯 |
| 687 | hearing phrases | 听力短语 |
| 688 | And being like, oh I like that even if it's somebody that's against me if there's a way that they're going about the conversation | 我喜欢这样 即使有人反对我 如果他们有办法去谈 |
| 689 | I have this thing where I can kind of see it. | 我有这个东西,我可以看到它。 |
| 690 | And so | 这样 |
| 691 | I I like to visualize conversations | 我喜欢直观的对话 |
| 692 | and | 和 |
| 693 | Try to watch them happen even when it's me being involved with them. | 试着看着它们发生 即使我和它们有关 |
| 694 | So I think yeah | 所以我觉得是的 |
| 695 | Having now invested in communication work and written something and hopefully joining | 现在投入了沟通工作 写了些东西 希望加入 |
| 696 | this league of you know, wonderful authors like yourself | 你们这帮人,像你这样的优秀作家 |
| 697 | is | 这是 |
| 698 | It's made me all the more | 这让我更 |
| 699 | conscious of | 意识到 |
| 700 | the bigger picture | 更大的画面 |
| 701 | And that is the ways that I can slow down in my own life and listen a whole lot more | 这就是我在自己的生活中可以慢下来 并且听得更多 |
| 702 | and it's a it's kind of | 这是种 |
| 703 | Like one of my the worst videos that ever performed ever was a video I made on how to be a better listener | 就像我演过最烂的一段视频 是关于我如何成为更好的听众的一段视频 |
| 704 | Really nobody nobody wants to be a better listener. | 没有人想成为更好的听众。 |
| 705 | But what I have found is that the more I have invested in saying | 但我发现的是我投资越多 |
| 706 | The richer I've become and learning how to not say anything and listen | 我变富了 学会了不说话 听 |
| 707 | and so that that is feels like much more of a | 感觉更像一个 |
| 708 | Strength that I did not anticipate going into this. | 我没想到会这样 |
| 709 | That's really interesting | 这真的很有趣 |
| 710 | We got some great takeaways the so what we're going to do for people who want to be a super communicator | 我们有一些很棒的外卖,所以我们要做什么 对于想成为超级通讯员的人 |
| 711 | And you tell me if you agree with this charles number one | 你告诉我如果你同意这个一号机 |
| 712 | Ask more questions | 问更多问题 |
| 713 | so when somebody tells you something find a way to just | 所以当有人告诉你一些事情 找到一个方法 |
| 714 | Create a habit like we talked about of just asking one maybe two questions | 像我们说过的 问一个问题或者两个问题一样 |
| 715 | Have one that talks about how they feel about something and two if you can't repeat exactly | 来一个讲他们对于某件事的感受的 如果你不能完全重复的话 两个 |
| 716 | paraphrase what you heard to make them feel acknowledged and | 解释你所听到的 让他们感到承认 |
| 717 | Connected another takeaway that we had is that anytime you're in a conversation? | 接通了另一件外卖 就是你在谈话的任何时候? |
| 718 | You're typically in three type of boxes. | 你通常在三种类型的盒子里 |
| 719 | Is it something very practical? | 这很实用吗? |
| 720 | Is it very something social or for your reputation or is it something that's more? | 是社交上的还是名誉上的 还是更多的? |
| 721 | Emotion-based and when you can match that person there's going to create connection in the conversation and three | 基于情感 当你能和那个人匹配时 谈话中就会产生连结 |
| 722 | What i'm going to personally take away is when somebody's coming to you. | 我要亲自带走的 是有人来找你的时候 |
| 723 | It's not always asking for help | 并不是总要帮忙 |
| 724 | It is simply asking to be heard. | 它只是要求听取意见。 |
| 725 | I love it. | 我喜欢它。 |
| 726 | This has been awesome. | 这是真棒。 |
| 727 | I love yeah | 我爱耶 |
| 728 | That's a fantastic summary | 那真是精彩的总结 |
| 729 | Yeah, working on the listening, yeah, if you ever need a book summary somebody to help with your book summaries | 是啊,在听,是的,如果你需要一本书摘要 有人帮助你的书摘要 |
| 730 | I really love you know, I volunteer it's been a wonderful time talking with you. | 我真的很喜欢你,我自愿参加... 和你谈话的愉快时光 |
| 731 | Thank you for your time on the podcast | 感谢您在播客时间 |
| 732 | 非常感谢Geofferson。 | |
| 733 | Thank you for having me | 谢谢你邀请我 |
| 734 | и |
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