TED演讲：“后悔”如何教人更好的生活？
字幕摘录
| 时间 | 英文 | 中文 |
|---|---|---|
| 0:03 | Let's talk about regret. | 我们来谈谈后悔 |
| 0:06 | It is, to my mind, our most misunderstood emotion. | 在我看来,这是我们最误解的情感 |
| 0:10 | And so I decided to spend a couple of years studying it. | 所以我决定花几年时间研究它。 |
| 0:13 | And one of the things that I did is I went back and I looked at about 50 years of social | 我所做的一件事是,我回到过去, 我看着大约50年的社会 |
| 0:18 | science on regret. | 科学的遗憾。 |
| 0:19 | And here's what it tells you. | 这是它告诉你的。 |
| 0:20 | I'll save you the trouble of reading a half century of social science. | 我会帮你省下读半个世纪社会科学的麻烦. |
| 0:23 | The research tells us that everybody has regrets. | 研究告诉我们,每个人都有遗憾。 |
| 0:26 | Regrets make us human. | 后悔让我们变成人类 |
| 0:27 | Truly the only people without regrets are five-year-olds, people with brain damage, | 唯一没有遗憾的人就是5岁的孩子 脑部有损伤的人 |
展开字幕全文（473 条）
| 序号 | 英文 | 中文 |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Let's talk about regret. | 我们来谈谈后悔 |
| 2 | It is, to my mind, our most misunderstood emotion. | 在我看来,这是我们最误解的情感 |
| 3 | And so I decided to spend a couple of years studying it. | 所以我决定花几年时间研究它。 |
| 4 | And one of the things that I did is I went back and I looked at about 50 years of social | 我所做的一件事是,我回到过去, 我看着大约50年的社会 |
| 5 | science on regret. | 科学的遗憾。 |
| 6 | And here's what it tells you. | 这是它告诉你的。 |
| 7 | I'll save you the trouble of reading a half century of social science. | 我会帮你省下读半个世纪社会科学的麻烦. |
| 8 | The research tells us that everybody has regrets. | 研究告诉我们,每个人都有遗憾。 |
| 9 | Regrets make us human. | 后悔让我们变成人类 |
| 10 | Truly the only people without regrets are five-year-olds, people with brain damage, | 唯一没有遗憾的人就是5岁的孩子 脑部有损伤的人 |
| 11 | and sociopaths. | 和反社会者。 |
| 12 | The rest of us, we have regrets. | 其他人,我们有遗憾。 |
| 13 | And if we treat our regrets right, and that's a big if, but there are ways to do it, regrets | 如果我们正确对待我们的遗憾, 这是一个巨大的,如果,但 有办法做到这一点, 后悔 |
| 14 | can actually make us better. | 能够让我们变得更好 |
| 15 | They can improve our decision-making skills, improve our negotiation skills, make us better | 他们可以提高我们的决策技巧,提高我们的谈判技巧,使我们更好 |
| 16 | strategists, make us better problem solvers, enhance our sense of meaning if we treat them | 战略家,让我们更好的问题解决者, 增强我们的意义感 如果我们对待他们 |
| 17 | right. | 对 |
| 18 | And the good news is that there's a systematic way to do that. | 好消息是,有系统的方法可以做到这一点。 |
| 19 | But I want to take just a few minutes to tell you about another aspect of regret that I | 但我想花几分钟 告诉你另一个方面 后悔,我 |
| 20 | think is really, really just super interesting. | 认为真的,真的 只是超级有趣。 |
| 21 | As part of the research here, I decided to ask people for their regrets. | 作为研究的一部分,我决定问人们后悔。 |
| 22 | And to my surprise, I ended up collecting about 16,000 regrets from people in 105 countries. | 令我惊讶的是,我最后从105个国家的人们那里收集了大约16000个悔恨. |
| 23 | It's an extraordinary trove. | 这是一个非凡的旅程。 |
| 24 | And what I realized when I went through this incredible database of human longing and aspiration | 当我通过这个令人难以置信的 人类渴望和渴望的数据库时 我意识到 |
| 25 | is that around the world, and there's very little national difference here, people kept | 世界各地, 几乎没有国家差异, 人们保持 |
| 26 | expressing the same four regrets. | 表达同样的四个遗憾。 |
| 27 | Around the world, there are the same four regrets that keep coming up over and over | 全世界都有同样的四个遗憾 不停地重复 |
| 28 | and over again. | 再来一次 |
| 29 | So what I want to do is just quickly tell you about these four core regrets, because | 所以我想做的是 很快地告诉你这四个核心遗憾 因为 |
| 30 | I think they reveal something incredibly important and interesting. | 我认为它们揭示了一些 非常重要和有趣的东西。 |
| 31 | So the four core regrets that I'm going to cover. | 所以四个核心后悔,我要覆盖。 |
| 32 | Number one, what I call foundation regrets, foundation regrets. | 第一,我所说的基金会遗憾,基金会遗憾。 |
| 33 | These are people who regret things like this, not saving enough money, which would be like | 这些人对这种事后悔, 储蓄不够,这就像 |
| 34 | financial regret, not taking care of their health and not eating right, health regret. | 经济遗憾,不照顾他们的健康,不吃权利,健康遗憾. |
| 35 | But they're the same. | 但他们是一样的 |
| 36 | Those kinds of regrets are about making choices that didn't allow you to have some stability, | 那种遗憾是为了做出一些 让你无法保持稳定的选择 |
| 37 | a stable platform for their life. | 一个稳定的平台 他们的生活。 |
| 38 | I have a lot of people who regret not working hard enough in school, a lot of people who | 我有很多人后悔 在学校工作不够努力 很多人 |
| 39 | regret I got a lot of regrets about not saving money. | 很遗憾我对不省钱有很多遗憾 |
| 40 | And it's the kind of thing. | 则其类也. |
| 41 | It reminds me a little bit of Aesop's fable of the ant and the grasshopper, where earlier | 这让我想起了伊索普对蚂蚁和草hopper的寓言 更早的时候 |
| 42 | in their life, they acted like a grasshopper instead of the ant. | 在他们的生活里,他们表现得像一只hopper而非蚂蚁. |
| 43 | And now it's catching up with them. | 现在它赶上了他们。 |
| 44 | So foundation regrets sound like this. | 所以,基金会后悔的声音是这样的。 |
| 45 | If only and that's the catchphrase of regret. | 如果这就是后悔的句子 |
| 46 | If only if only I'd done the work. | 惟愿我所作功德. |
| 47 | Second category. | 第二类 |
| 48 | I love this category. | 我喜欢这个类别。 |
| 49 | It's fascinating. | 令人着迷. |
| 50 | Boldness regrets, boldness regrets. | 大胆的遗憾,大胆的遗憾。 |
| 51 | I have hundreds of regrets around the world that go like this. | 我在世界各地都有上百个这样的遗憾 |
| 52 | X years ago, there was a man slash woman whom I really liked. | 十年前,有一个男人 斜刀女人,我真的很喜欢。 |
| 53 | I wanted to ask him or her out on a date, but I was too scared to do it. | 我想约他或她约会 但我太害怕了 |
| 54 | And I've regretted it ever since. | 从此我一直后悔 |
| 55 | I also have hundreds of regrets by people who said, oh, I've always wanted to start | 我也有上百个后悔的人 谁说,哦,我一直想开始 |
| 56 | a business, but I never had the guts to to do that. | 生意,但我从来没有勇气这样做。 |
| 57 | People who said, oh, I've always like I wish I'd spoken up more. | 人们说,哦,我一直希望我说话更多。 |
| 58 | I wish I'd said something and asserted myself. | 我希望我说过一些话 并坚持自己。 |
| 59 | These are these are what I said before, what I call boldness regrets. | 这就是我以前说过的话,我称之为大胆的遗憾。 |
| 60 | And we get to a juncture in our life and we have a choice. | 我们到了生命的关键时刻,我们有一个选择。 |
| 61 | We can play it safe or we can take the chance. | 我们可以安全地玩,也可以冒险 |
| 62 | And what I found is overwhelmingly people regret not taking the chance. | 我发现绝大多数人都后悔不冒险 |
| 63 | Even people who took the chance and it didn't work out don't really have many regrets | 就算是冒这个险却没成功的人 也没什么遗憾 |
| 64 | about that. | 关于那个。 |
| 65 | It's the people who didn't take the chance. | 是诸众生未夺机. |
| 66 | So this is boldness regrets. | 所以这是大胆的遗憾。 |
| 67 | Boldness regrets sound like this. | 大胆的后悔听起来是这样的。 |
| 68 | If only I'd taken the chance. | 惟愿我乘机而来. |
| 69 | Third category, moral regrets. | 第三类,道德遗憾。 |
| 70 | Very interesting, very interesting category. | 非常有趣,非常有趣的类别。 |
| 71 | These are people who, again, a lot of these regrets begin at a juncture. | 这些人,再次从一个时刻开始, 开始许多这些遗憾。 |
| 72 | You're at a juncture. | 你正处于一个关头。 |
| 73 | You can do the right thing or you can do the wrong thing. | 你可以做正确的事情 或者你可以做错的事情。 |
| 74 | People do the wrong thing and they regret it. | 人们做错了事,他们后悔了。 |
| 75 | I mean, one of the most amazing one of the ones that I just really stuck with me, | 我的意思是,一个最令人惊奇的 我刚刚真正坚持我, |
| 76 | I'm going to try to pull it up here, is this one here. | 我要试着把它拉上来, 是这个。 |
| 77 | This woman, she's a 71 year old woman in New Jersey. | 这个女人,她是一个71岁 在新泽西州。 |
| 78 | When I was a kid, my mother would send me to a small local store for a few items. | 当我还是个孩子的时候,我的母亲会送我去一家小的本地商店买一些东西. |
| 79 | I frequently would steal a candy bar when the grocer wasn't looking. | 我经常在杂货店不看的时候偷糖果 |
| 80 | That's bothered me for about 60 years. | 这让我困扰了60年 |
| 81 | So 71 year old woman in New Jersey for 60 years, | 新泽西州71岁的女人60年了 |
| 82 | she's been bugged by this moral breach and and some more regrets. | 她被这种道德败坏 和一些更多的遗憾所困扰 |
| 83 | We have people regretting bullying. | 我们让别人后悔欺负 |
| 84 | We have people regretting marital infidelity, all kinds of things. | 我们让人们后悔婚姻不忠 各种各样的事情 |
| 85 | Moral regrets sound like this. | 道德遗憾的声音是这样的。 |
| 86 | If only I'd done the right thing. | 如果我做了正确的事情的话 |
| 87 | And finally, our fourth category are what I call connection regrets. | 最后,我们的第四类是 我所说的连接遗憾。 |
| 88 | Connection regrets are like this. | 连接遗憾是这样的。 |
| 89 | You have a relationship or ought to have a relationship. | 你们有关系或应该有关系 |
| 90 | And it doesn't matter what the relationship is. | 和它无关 关系是什么。 |
| 91 | Kids, parents, siblings, cousins, friends, colleagues. | 儿童,父母,兄弟姐妹,堂兄弟,朋友,同事. |
| 92 | But you have a relationship or ought to have had a relationship. | 但你有关系或应该有关系。 |
| 93 | And the relationship comes apart. | 关系就分了 |
| 94 | And what's interesting is that what these 16000 people were telling me is that the way | 有趣的是,这16000人告诉我的是, |
| 95 | these relationships come apart is often not very dramatic, not very dramatic at all. | 这些关系分崩离析往往不是非常戏剧化,也不是非常戏剧化。 |
| 96 | They often come apart by drifting apart rather than through some kind of explosive rift. | 它们往往通过漂移而不是通过某种爆炸性裂缝而分裂。 |
| 97 | And what happens is that people don't want to reach out because they say, | 发生的事情是,人们不想接触 因为他们说, |
| 98 | oh, it's going to be awkward to reach out and the other side is not going to care. | 哦 伸手会很尴尬的 对方不会在乎的 |
| 99 | One of the lessons that I learned from this book for myself is always reach out. | 我从这本书里学到的教训之一 总是伸展出来。 |
| 100 | So that's what connection regrets are. | 所以,这就是 关联的遗憾。 |
| 101 | If only I'd reached out. | 如果我伸手的话 |
| 102 | And so over and over and over again, we see these same regrets. | 因此,我们一遍又一遍地看到同样的遗憾。 |
| 103 | Foundation regrets. | 基金会遗憾。 |
| 104 | If only I'd done the work. | 狦и暗硂ㄇㄆ |
| 105 | Boldness regrets. | 大胆悔过. |
| 106 | If only I'd taken the chance. | 惟愿我乘机而来. |
| 107 | Moral regrets. | 道德悔过. |
| 108 | If only I'd done the right thing. | 如果我做了正确的事情的话 |
| 109 | And connection regrets. | 和连接遗憾。 |
| 110 | If only I'd reached out. | 如果我伸手的话 |
| 111 | And when we look at these regrets. | 当我们看着这些遗憾时 |
| 112 | So that's interesting in itself. | 这本身就很有趣。 |
| 113 | But what I realized is that these four core regrets | 但我意识到 这四个核心遗憾 |
| 114 | operate as a kind of photographic negative of the good life. | 是一种对美好生活的负面摄影 |
| 115 | Because if we understand what people regret the most, | 因为如果我们明白人们最后悔的是什么 |
| 116 | we actually can understand what they value the most. | 我们实际上可以理解他们最珍视的是什么。 |
| 117 | And each of these regrets, to my mind, reveals something fundamental | 每一个这些遗憾,在我看来, 揭示一些基本的东西 |
| 118 | about humanity and about what we need. | 关于人类和我们需要的东西。 |
| 119 | We need stability. | 我们需要稳定。 |
| 120 | Nobody wants to have an unstable life. | 没人想过不稳定的生活 |
| 121 | We want a chance to learn and grow and do something. | 我们希望有机会学习和成长并做点什么。 |
| 122 | We recognize that we are not here forever and we want to do something | 我们承认我们不是永远在这里 我们想做点什么 |
| 123 | and try something and at least feel the exhilaration of being bold. | 并尝试一些东西, 至少感觉兴奋 大胆。 |
| 124 | Moral regrets. | 道德悔过. |
| 125 | I think most of us, almost all of us, want to do the right thing. | 我认为我们大多数人,几乎所有人都想做正确的事情。 |
| 126 | At some level, these moral regrets are very heartening. | 在某种程度上,这些道德遗憾非常令人振奋。 |
| 127 | The idea that people are bugged for years, decades | 人们被窃听多年,几十年的想法 |
| 128 | by these moral breaches earlier in their life. | 在他们生命的早期 这些道德败坏。 |
| 129 | I think most of us want to do the right thing. | 我想我们大多数人都想做正确的事 |
| 130 | And then connection regrets. | 然后连接遗憾。 |
| 131 | We want love, not love only in the romantic sense, | 我们想要爱,而不是浪漫的爱, |
| 132 | but love in the broader sense of connection and relationship | 但爱在广义的联系和关系 |
| 133 | and affinity with other people. | 和他人的亲缘关系。 |
| 134 | And so in a weird way, this negative emotion of regret | 奇怪的是 这种负面的遗憾情绪 |
| 135 | points the way to a good life by studying regret. | 通过学习悔恨来指出美好生活的道路. |
| 136 | We know what constitutes a good life, a life of stability, | 我们知道什么是美好生活 稳定的生活 |
| 137 | a life where you have a chance to take a few risks, | 你有机会冒险的生活 |
| 138 | a life where you're doing the right thing and a life where you have people | 你做正确的事情的生活 和你有人的生活 |
| 139 | who love you and whom you love. | 谁爱你,谁你爱。 |
| 140 | And so to me, I started out saying, oh, boy, is this going to | 所以对我来说,我开始说, 哦,男孩,这是要去 |
| 141 | is this book going to be a downer studying regret? | 这本书会不会让人失望? |
| 142 | And it ended up being very uplifting. | 结果它非常振奋人心。 |
| 143 | So so those are the four core regrets. | 因此,这是四个核心遗憾。 |
| 144 | Regret points us to the good life. | 后悔让我们过上美好的生活。 |
| 145 | And so I hope that you'll begin to reckon with your own regrets | 所以我希望你能开始考虑 自己的遗憾 |
| 146 | because I think they're going to give you direction to a life well lived. | 因为我认为他们会给你一个生活的方向 |
| 147 | Well, thank you for that, Dan. | 谢谢你,丹 |
| 148 | And I was clapping behind the scenes when you couldn't actually see me. | 我在幕后鼓掌 当你看不到我的时候 |
| 149 | But for everyone who I know, I'm also really appreciated what you | 但对于我认识的人来说 我也很感激你 |
| 150 | what you shared there. | 你们分享的 |
| 151 | So I guess just first, Dan, and you mentioned, you know, I think this | 丹,你提到,你知道,我觉得 |
| 152 | this big takeaway about how thinking about regret can help us figure out | 这个大外卖 如何思考 后悔可以帮助我们 找出 |
| 153 | what are the the the the recipe, what is the recipe for the good life? | 食谱是什么 美好生活的食谱是什么 |
| 154 | I guess what has been your biggest takeaway from from doing this work beyond that? | 我猜你除了做这个工作 最大的外卖是什么? |
| 155 | I found it really interesting how much people want to talk about this. | 我发现这很有趣 人们想谈论这个。 |
| 156 | And that's what got me on it in the first place. | 我一开始就是这么做的 |
| 157 | That is, I had I had an experience in my life | 也就是说,我曾经有过经历 |
| 158 | where one of my kids graduated from college | 有个孩子从大学毕业 |
| 159 | and that sort of marker in my life made me start thinking about | 那种标记在我的生活中 让我开始思考 |
| 160 | what regrets that I had. | 我有什么遗憾? |
| 161 | And I just mentioned it to a few people and I found them | 我刚跟几个人提到,我找到了他们 |
| 162 | like leaning into the conversation. | 像倾斜到谈话。 |
| 163 | So I was I was amazed at how much people want to talk about this | 所以我很惊讶 人们想谈论这个 |
| 164 | and how much this taboo of like, oh, I don't have any regrets is so ridiculous. | 而这种禁忌 喜欢,哦,我没有 任何遗憾是如此可笑。 |
| 165 | I mean, it's absurd. | 我的意思是,这是荒谬的。 |
| 166 | And that if we actually start talking about it, we're going to be better off. | 如果我们真的开始谈论它, 我们会更好。 |
| 167 | For me personally, I think that the biggest | 对于我个人来说,我认为是最大的 |
| 168 | the biggest takeaway was the | 最大的外卖是 |
| 169 | was the connection regrets and and because I had so many people | 是因为我有很多人 |
| 170 | who had the same story where they had a friendship, | 他们有同样的故事 他们有一个友谊, |
| 171 | some kind of relationship, and it comes apart and they want to reach out | 某种关系, 它分了出来,他们想伸手 |
| 172 | and they say, oh, no, it's going to be really awkward. | 他们说,哦,不,它会非常尴尬。 |
| 173 | And the other side's not going to care. | 而彼众生不思议. |
| 174 | And we're so wrong about that. | 我们对此非常错误。 |
| 175 | It's not awkward. | 这不是尴尬。 |
| 176 | And the other side almost always appreciates it. | 而对方几乎总是很欣赏. |
| 177 | And so for me, I guess the takeaway is if I'm at a juncture in my life | 所以对我来说,我猜 外卖是 如果我处于生命的关键时刻 |
| 178 | where I'm thinking, should I reach out or should I not reach out? | 在我想的地方,我应该伸手还是不应该伸手? |
| 179 | I've answered the question | 我回答了这个问题 |
| 180 | that the answer to that question at that juncture, if you reach that juncture, | 如果你到了那个关头 这个问题的答案 |
| 181 | the answer is always reach out, you know, and especially coming out | 答案总是伸手,你知道的, 特别是出来 |
| 182 | of time like this, Whitney, we need that sense of connection. | 惠特尼 我们需要这种联系感 |
| 183 | And and so the ethic of always reaching out to me is is one of the best | 因此,总是接触我的道德是最棒的 |
| 184 | life lessons that I've I've learned. | 我学到的生活教训 |
| 185 | Well, we're going to do something a little interesting next, Dan, | 好吧,我们要做一些有趣的事情 接下来,丹, |
| 186 | which is have some members share their own regrets. | 有些成员也有自己的遗憾。 |
| 187 | And so I want to, I guess, hand things over to you right now | 所以我想,我猜,现在把东西交给你 |
| 188 | so that you could bring in our first member and we can explore more | 这样你就能带我们的第一个成员来 我们就可以探索更多 |
| 189 | what this this process of thinking about making our regrets | 这个过程是怎样的 来让我们后悔的 |
| 190 | help us live a good life actually looks like. | 帮我们过上好日子吧 |
| 191 | Sure, sure. | 当然,当然。 |
| 192 | And and so so let's bring on let's bring on Lily. | 所以,让我们来吧,让我们让莉莉。 |
| 193 | I don't want it to sound like a magic act, but Lily and I don't know each other. | 我不想听起来像一个魔术表演, 但莉莉和我不认识对方。 |
| 194 | We haven't gone through this before. | 我们以前没经历过这些 |
| 195 | But what I want to try to do is actually the hearing the stories | 但我想做的是 听到这些故事 |
| 196 | of people's regrets, I think, is super interesting and revealing. | 我认为,对于人们的遗憾, 是非常有趣和揭示的。 |
| 197 | And I just want to we're going to hear Lily's regret | 我只想听到莉莉的遗憾 |
| 198 | and we're going to talk through what science says | 我们来谈谈科学说的 |
| 199 | might be some appropriate responses to that. | 这可能是一些适当的对策。 |
| 200 | So Lily, welcome. | 莉莉,欢迎你 |
| 201 | Thank you. | 谢谢 |
| 202 | Hi. | 顿 |
| 203 | And where and tell us where you are. | 并告诉我们你在哪里。 |
| 204 | I'm currently in Brooklyn, New York. | 我现在在纽约布鲁克林 |
| 205 | Brooklyn is in the house here at Ted membership. | 布鲁克林在Ted会员的房子里 |
| 206 | So Lily, tell us your regret. | 莉莉 告诉我们你的遗憾 |
| 207 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 208 | So, um, my regret that I want to share | 所以,嗯,我的遗憾 我想分享 |
| 209 | was is that for most of my young adult life | 那是我大部分的青壮年生活 |
| 210 | from kindergarten, really straight through high school | 从幼稚园到高中 |
| 211 | is that I was painfully, painfully shy | 我痛苦地,痛苦地害羞着 |
| 212 | with really low self-confidence. | 自信实在太低了 |
| 213 | You know, as I was thinking about this, I was remembering. | 你知道,我在想这个,我记得。 |
| 214 | And there were times where I just like wanted to close my eyes | 有时候我只想闭上眼睛 |
| 215 | and like be invisible. | 和像隐形。 |
| 216 | And I think that, you know, my like, I didn't really come into my own | 我觉得,你知道,我一样, 我真的没有进入我自己的 |
| 217 | until I got to college, where I found a really great group of friends, | 直到我上大学,在那里我找到了一个非常棒的朋友团体, |
| 218 | really like was confident in expressing myself and, | 真的很喜欢自信地表达自己 |
| 219 | you know, just being myself. | 你知道,只是作为我自己。 |
| 220 | And I think that, you know, my regret is that I just really wish | 我觉得,你知道,我的遗憾是 我真的希望 |
| 221 | that I had taken a little bit more effort to build my confidence, | 我付出了更多的努力来建立信心, |
| 222 | to fight this a little bit more, because I worry about what opportunities | 我担心什么机会 |
| 223 | I might have missed. | 我可能错过了 |
| 224 | So ever since then, I feel like I try to counteract it now. | 所以从那时起,我感觉我试图反击它。 |
| 225 | And if ever I meet someone who who might be going through, | 如果我遇到一个人 谁可能会经历, |
| 226 | especially if they're younger, like going through the same thing I did, | 特别是如果他们更年轻 就像我经历的一样 |
| 227 | I try to, you know, make them feel seen and try to empathize | 我试图,你知道,让他们感觉 看到和尝试同情 |
| 228 | with how they're how they're feeling. | 和他们的感受。 |
| 229 | So that's kind of a takeaway, I guess, from that regret. | 所以,我猜那是种 取走,从这个遗憾。 |
| 230 | But I mean, it sounds like so is this a regret that's still with you? | 但听起来你还是后悔了? |
| 231 | I think it sounds to me like you might have like sort of begun | 我觉得这听起来好像你可能开始 |
| 232 | the process of resolving it a little bit. | 解决它的过程一点点。 |
| 233 | Absolutely. | 当然 |
| 234 | But I think that, you know, even just, you know, prepping for this, | 但我认为,你知道, 即使只是,你知道, 为这个, |
| 235 | I start to think about like, you know, there could have been more things | 我开始思考 比如,你知道, 可能有更多的事情 |
| 236 | I could have done, you know, if I just like put myself a little bit out there, | 我可以做,你知道, 如果我只是喜欢 把自己一点点在那里, |
| 237 | if I didn't just try to hide so much. | 如果我没有试图隐藏这么多。 |
| 238 | OK. | 摆 |
| 239 | All right. | 好吧,我们走。 |
| 240 | So so let me this is this is fascinating, Lily. | 因此,让我这是令人着迷的,莉莉。 |
| 241 | And I have to say, I have this database of regrets. | 我必须说,我有一个 遗憾的数据库。 |
| 242 | And and you can search the you can search the database. | 你可以搜索数据库 |
| 243 | And if I were to search the database that for the phrase | 如果我要搜索数据库 那句短语 |
| 244 | speak up, spoke up, spoken up, | 大声点,大声点,大声点 |
| 245 | I would get huge, huge numbers of of people. | 我会得到大量的人。 |
| 246 | It is one of the most common regrets is that people regret not speaking up. | 最常见的遗憾之一是人们没有大声疾呼。 |
| 247 | The important thing about our regrets that comes from the science is this. | 我们从科学中后悔的重要一点就是这个。 |
| 248 | It's how we deal with them. | 这就是我们如何对付他们。 |
| 249 | So we can take that regret and say, you know what? | 这样我们就可以接受这种遗憾,然后说,你知道吗? |
| 250 | It doesn't matter that I feel terrible and I have this regret | 这不重要,我感觉很糟,我后悔了 |
| 251 | because I'm just going to ignore it. | 因为我只是要忽略它。 |
| 252 | All right. | 好吧,我们走。 |
| 253 | That's like the Blythe no regrets philosophy. | 这就像布莱斯无悔哲学。 |
| 254 | That's a bad idea. | 这主意不好 |
| 255 | All right. | 好吧,我们走。 |
| 256 | The other way at it is to say, oh, my God, I have all these regrets. | 另一种方式是说, 哦,我的上帝, 我有所有这些遗憾。 |
| 257 | It's so terrible. | 这太可怕了。 |
| 258 | I'm going to wallow in them. | 我要去他们那里 |
| 259 | That's a bad idea, too. | 这主意也不好 |
| 260 | What we want to do, and I think that you've already done a really brilliant job | и稱暗ㄆ и谋眔竒暗眔次 |
| 261 | of it, is use these regrets as signals, signals for our thinking. | 以这些遗憾作为我们思考的信号 |
| 262 | What is it teaching me? | 它教给我什么? |
| 263 | And so there are a few things in the research that give us some clues | 所以研究中有一些东西 给我们一些线索 |
| 264 | about what to do. | 关于该怎么办。 |
| 265 | So one of them is this is how we so we start with like sort of reframing | 其中一个是,我们是这样开始的 我们开始像一种重塑 |
| 266 | the regret and what we think about and how we think about it in ourselves. | 遗憾和我们的想法 以及我们自己对它的看法 |
| 267 | So do you think that you are the only person with this kind of regret? | 你觉得你是唯一有这种遗憾的人吗? |
| 268 | I don't. | 我没有。 |
| 269 | Not at all. | 一点也不 |
| 270 | I'm watching the chat, man. | 我在看闲聊 |
| 271 | People people are like somebody said, Lily, you're telling my story. | 人们就像别人说的 Lily 你在讲我的故事 |
| 272 | All right. | 好吧,我们走。 |
| 273 | So one of the things that we can do with our regrets | 所以有一件事我们可以做 我们的遗憾 |
| 274 | is treat ourselves with self-compassion. | 以自我同情的方式对待自己 |
| 275 | All right. | 好吧,我们走。 |
| 276 | Not boost our self-esteem. | 不增强我们的自尊心。 |
| 277 | That's sometimes dangerous. | 这有时很危险。 |
| 278 | Not rip ourselves down with self-criticism, but actually say, | 不是自我批评,而是说, |
| 279 | treat ourselves with kindness rather than contempt and recognize that | 以慈悲而不是蔑视的态度对待我们,并认识到 |
| 280 | what we're going through is part of the shared human experience. | 我们正在经历的是人类共同经历的一部分。 |
| 281 | That's one thing. | 这是一件事。 |
| 282 | The second thing that we can do is we can disclose our regret. | 我们能够做的第二件事是,我们可以披露我们的遗憾。 |
| 283 | And I think what's really interesting about disclosed | 我认为真正有趣的是披露 |
| 284 | there are a few things that are interesting about disclosure. | 有一些事情是有趣的 关于披露。 |
| 285 | There's something amazing why 16000 people | 有东西是惊人的,为什么16,000人 |
| 286 | were willing to share their regrets with me. | 愿意跟我分享他们的遗憾 |
| 287 | I mean, like what's going on there, right? | 我的意思是,像发生了什么,对不对? |
| 288 | And the reason is, is that when we disclose our regrets, | 原因是,当我们披露我们的遗憾时, |
| 289 | we relieve some of the burden. | 我们减轻了一些负担。 |
| 290 | That's one thing. | 这是一件事。 |
| 291 | The second thing that we do is that when we actually talk about our regrets, | 我们做的第二件事是 当我们真正谈论我们的遗憾, |
| 292 | converting these kind of blobby mental abstractions into concrete words, | 将这种blobby 精神抽象化为具体词, |
| 293 | whether it's spoken or writing, defangs them. | 无论是口语还是写作 都会让他们失望 |
| 294 | It begins the sense making process. | 它开始创造理智的过程。 |
| 295 | And the other thing about disclosure, which is a dirty little secret | 还有一件事,关于披露, 这是一个肮脏的小秘密 |
| 296 | that I'll reveal to all of you that comes out in the research very clearly | 我会向大家揭示 在研究非常清楚 |
| 297 | is that when we disclose our vulnerabilities and our weaknesses, | 当我们暴露自己的弱点和弱点时, |
| 298 | people don't like us less. | 人们不喜欢我们 |
| 299 | They actually like us more because they empathize with us. | 他们其实更喜欢我们 因为他们同情我们 |
| 300 | They respect our courage. | 他们尊重我们的勇气。 |
| 301 | And the final thing is to actually try to extract a lesson from it, | 最后一点是 试着从中吸取教训 |
| 302 | from it, to use this regret. | 从它,用这个悔恨。 |
| 303 | So what would you say, Lily, is the lesson that you've learned from this regret? | 莉莉,你会怎么说? 你从这遗憾中学到的教训是什么? |
| 304 | I think that what would have gone wrong if I, if I, if I, you know, | 我觉得如果我,如果我,如果我,你知道, |
| 305 | were more open about expressing myself, | 更开放的表达自己, |
| 306 | like people might discover I'm a little weird, | 就像人们会发现我有点奇怪 |
| 307 | or they might think that maybe I'm nice and hopefully maybe a little funny. | 或者他们可能认为,也许我很好 希望也许有点好笑。 |
| 308 | So so I think like maybe that's one thing that jumps to mind. | 所以我想,也许这是一件事 跳跃到脑海。 |
| 309 | Like what could have gone wrong? | 可能有什么不对? |
| 310 | You know, so what's a lesson that you have a plot going forward? | 你知道,你有什么教训 你有一个阴谋前进? |
| 311 | Taking this regret. | 带着这个遗憾。 |
| 312 | OK, so you've you've sort of treated yourself | 好吧,所以你已经有点 对待自己 |
| 313 | with kindness rather than contempt. | 以仁慈而不是轻视。 |
| 314 | You've disclosed it to all these people here. | 你向这里的所有人透露了 |
| 315 | You've begun the sense making process by talking about it and writing about it. | 你通过谈论和写作 开始了创造理智的过程 |
| 316 | What's a lesson? | 什么是教训? |
| 317 | What's what's a lesson that you can extract from this? | 你从中可以吸取什么教训? |
| 318 | I think that I'm not sure. | 我觉得我不确定 |
| 319 | Well, can I? | 我可以吗? |
| 320 | Well, then then then let me tell you. | 那让我告诉你 |
| 321 | I think that the lesson is to | 我认为教训是 |
| 322 | next time speak up, next time speak up, next time when you are | 下一次说话,下一次说话,下一次当你是 |
| 323 | at a juncture, should I speak up or not? | 此时此刻,我该不该大声说话? |
| 324 | Think about this. | 考虑一下 |
| 325 | Think about this and speak up. | 想想这个,说出来。 |
| 326 | And so are you have a do you have any kind of work meetings | 你还有工作会议吗? |
| 327 | or anything coming out where you're going to be confronted with this? | 或者有什么能让你面对的吗? |
| 328 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 329 | And I think that that happens all the time. | 我认为这经常发生。 |
| 330 | Like, you know, I have an idea, oh, but someone starts talking | 喜欢,你知道,我有一个想法, 哦,但有人开始说话 |
| 331 | and then like you just sort of, you know, fade back into the background. | 然后就像你一样,你知道, 渐渐地回到背景。 |
| 332 | And and that's something I want to counteract more often because | 而这正是我想 更经常反击,因为 |
| 333 | more often than not, you know, that idea is a contribution. | 你知道,这种想法常常是一种贡献。 |
| 334 | And why am I hesitating so much? | 为什么我这么犹豫? |
| 335 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 336 | So you have a lesson. | 所以,你有一个教训。 |
| 337 | The lesson is speak up. | 教训是说出来。 |
| 338 | So here's what. | 这样吧 |
| 339 | So why don't you? | 那你为什么不呢? |
| 340 | So how about the next time you're in a the next meeting you're in | 那么下次你下次见面怎么样? |
| 341 | when you have something to say, don't hesitate and speak up. | 当你有话要说的时候, 不要犹豫,说出来。 |
| 342 | Done. | 结束了。 |
| 343 | I'll do it. | 我来 |
| 344 | OK. | 摆 |
| 345 | But here's the thing. | 但问题是 |
| 346 | What I like about this is you've just made a promise to 300 people. | 我喜欢的是 你刚刚答应了300个人 |
| 347 | OK. | 摆 |
| 348 | So you're on the hook. | 这么说你上钩了 |
| 349 | I'm all right. | 我没事 |
| 350 | So here's so this is it. | 因此,这就是它。 |
| 351 | So so so Lily has this regret. | 所以Lily有这个遗憾 |
| 352 | She's looking backwards, saying, oh, if only I'd spoken up. | 她往后看,说,哦,如果我说了。 |
| 353 | And instead of beating herself up, she is divulging it. | 而不是自暴自弃, 她正在泄露它。 |
| 354 | She's extracting a lesson from it. | 她正在吸取教训 |
| 355 | And she's applying and she's taking that and applying it to some next interaction. | 她正在应用,她正在把它应用到 下一次的互动中。 |
| 356 | So this is what we do. | 这就是我们要做的。 |
| 357 | This is how, again, looking backward can can can move you forward. | 回头看可以让你向前看 |
| 358 | Lily, that's such a great it's such a fantastic | 莉莉,这真是太棒了,太神奇了 |
| 359 | people in the chatter saying we will hold Lily accountable, which I love. | 人们在闲聊 说我们将追究莉莉的责任, 我喜欢。 |
| 360 | So Lily, so Lily, thanks for that. | 莉莉 莉莉 谢谢你 |
| 361 | We're going to bring let's bring. | 我们要带我们来 |
| 362 | I really, really appreciate your sharing that with us. | 我真的,真的很感谢 你分享给我们。 |
| 363 | And I want you to report back that you did speak up. | 我要你回报你说过的话 |
| 364 | I know. | 我知道,我记得 |
| 365 | Thank you. | 谢谢 |
| 366 | Thanks, Lily. | 谢谢 百合(英语:Lily). |
| 367 | Well, we have a question here from Claudia, who asked, | 好吧,我们这里有一个问题 从克劳迪娅,谁问, |
| 368 | can you speak to the issue of painful life regrets, major opportunities lost? | 你能谈谈痛苦的生活遗憾 失去重大机会的问题吗? |
| 369 | Do you have some advice on how to avoid being paralyzed by fear or further regret? | 你对如何避免因恐惧或进一步遗憾而瘫痪有什么建议吗? |
| 370 | Yeah, it's interesting that Claudia said opportunities lost. | 是啊,这是有趣的,克劳迪娅说 失去了机会。 |
| 371 | And let me let me let me pick up on that on that phrase right here, | 让我来提一下这句话 |
| 372 | because one of the things I saw in my own my own research, | 因为我在自己的研究中看到的一件事 |
| 373 | because I also did a huge survey of the American population | 因为我也做了一个巨大的调查 美国人口 |
| 374 | where we surveyed four thousand four hundred eight, a representative sample | 我们调查了四千四百八, 一个有代表性的样本 |
| 375 | four thousand four hundred eighty nine Americans about regret and how and how it worked. | 四千四百八十九个美国人 关于后悔 如何和如何运作 |
| 376 | But one of the things you see widespread is that there are in the architecture of regret, | 但是,你所看到的广泛的东西之一 是,在 结构的遗憾, |
| 377 | there are often two kinds of regrets. | 往往有两种遗憾。 |
| 378 | One are regrets of action and one are regrets of inaction. | 一个是行动遗憾,一个是无所作为遗憾。 |
| 379 | Regrets about what we did, regrets about what we didn't do. | 后悔我们做了什么,后悔我们没有做什么。 |
| 380 | And overwhelmingly, inaction regrets predominate. | 绝大多数情况下,无所作为的遗憾占主导地位。 |
| 381 | And that's what that's what an opportunity lost is with action regrets. | 失去的机会就是行动遗憾 |
| 382 | We can try to undo them. | 我们可以试着解开它们。 |
| 383 | We can make amends. | 我们可以补偿 |
| 384 | We can look for the silver lining and we can reduce the stink. | 我们可以寻找银线线 和减少臭味。 |
| 385 | For inaction regrets, it is it is harder. | 对无所作为感到遗憾的是,这是更困难的。 |
| 386 | And so the key here on the opportunities lost is to think about, | 所以这里关于失去的机会的关键 是思考, |
| 387 | you know, really like what are you going to do is sort of reduce | 你知道,真的喜欢 你要做的是减少 |
| 388 | the level of abstraction and say, what are you going to do next time? | 抽象程度,然后说,你下次要做什么? |
| 389 | OK, not not an abstraction of like, oh, I'm going to be more bold. | 好吧,不是抽象 像,哦,我会更大胆。 |
| 390 | It's like, what are you going to do next time? | 你下次要怎么办? |
| 391 | This is what we're talking about with Lily. | 这就是我们跟莉莉谈的 |
| 392 | What are you going to do next time? | 下次你打算怎么办? |
| 393 | All regrets begin at the juncture. | 所有遗憾都从此刻开始。 |
| 394 | You can go this way or you can go that way. | 你可以走这条路,也可以走这条路 |
| 395 | And so for Claudia, I would say the next time you're at this juncture, | 因此,对于克劳迪娅, 我会说,下一次 你在这个关头, |
| 396 | take the opportunity, play it safe. | 抓住机会,小心行事 |
| 397 | Stop. | 停下来 |
| 398 | Think about your regret and make the decision there. | 想想你的遗憾 在那里做决定 |
| 399 | Or another thing that you could do. | 或者你可以做别的事 |
| 400 | I'll give you another sort of decision making heuristic, two of them, in fact. | 我将给你另一种决策 高压,事实上,其中两个。 |
| 401 | When you're at that juncture, Claudia, next time, go forward | 当你在那个关头,克劳迪娅,下一次,继续前进 |
| 402 | five years and be this called self distancing. | 5年,成为所谓的自我距离。 |
| 403 | Be Claudia five years from now. | 5年后成为克劳迪娅 |
| 404 | Look back on Claudia today. | 回头看克劳迪娅今天。 |
| 405 | What decision do you want? | 你想怎样决定? |
| 406 | What decision does Claudia of 2027 want Claudia of 2022 to make? | 2027年的克劳迪娅希望2022年的克劳迪娅做出什么决定? |
| 407 | It's very clear. | 甚清净. |
| 408 | Or the best decision making heuristic there is. | 或有最好的决策 高压。 |
| 409 | You're at a juncture. | 你正处于一个关头。 |
| 410 | What would you tell your best friend to do when you ask people that, | 你会怎么告诉你最好的朋友 当你问人们, |
| 411 | when they're trying to make a decision? | 当他们想做决定时? |
| 412 | Say, what would you tell your best friend to do? | 你会告诉你最好的朋友怎么做? |
| 413 | Everybody always knows. | 每个人都知道 |
| 414 | So so so I think that's it. | 所以,所以我认为就是这样。 |
| 415 | So so remember, the main thing, though, is don't let it bog you down. | 所以,记住,主要的事情,虽然, 是,不要让它拖累你。 |
| 416 | Use it as a tool for thinking, not as a tool for wallowing, | 用它作为思考的工具, 而不是作为挥霍的工具, |
| 417 | not as a tool for ignoring, but as a tool for thinking. | 不是作为忽略的工具,而是作为思考的工具。 |
| 418 | A question from Kim. | 金问曰. |
| 419 | She's asking you. | 她问你。 |
| 420 | She says you're talking as if any bad decision or mistake is also a regret. | 她说你说话好像 任何错误的决定或错误也是遗憾 |
| 421 | And I'm not sure that that's always the case. | 我不确定情况总是这样 |
| 422 | Can you share your definition of regret? | 你能分享你对后悔的定义吗? |
| 423 | I think especially after doing this project. | 我认为特别是在完成这个项目之后。 |
| 424 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 425 | What is your definition? | 你的定义是什么? |
| 426 | There's a difference between a regret and a mistake. | 悔与错有异. |
| 427 | All right. | 好吧,我们走。 |
| 428 | So you can make a mistake and not regret it because you say, oh, you know, | 所以你可以犯一个错误而不后悔 因为你说,哦,你知道, |
| 429 | you immediately learn something from it or it was a worthy. | 你马上从中吸取教训,否则就是值得的。 |
| 430 | It was a worthy mistake. | 这是一个值得注意的错误。 |
| 431 | A regret is something where you have where you look backward | 后悔是那种你向后看的东西 |
| 432 | at something that where you had control, where you had some agency | 在一个你拥有控制权的地方 和一些机构 |
| 433 | and you and where you had some agency. | 还有你,还有你在哪里有机构 |
| 434 | You did something that you did something wrong and it sticks with you. | 你做了一些事情,你做了一些错误的事情, 它坚持你。 |
| 435 | It doesn't go away and it sticks with you for a very long time. | 它不会消失, 它粘着你很长一段时间。 |
| 436 | So there's a there's a big difference, for instance, between. | 故有大差别,如彼等. |
| 437 | I can make a mistake | 我可以犯错 |
| 438 | and actually not regret it because it's not significant enough to me to linger. | 并且实际上并不后悔,因为它不够重要 对我来说停留。 |
| 439 | Right. | 对 |
| 440 | So that's the difference between a regret and a mistake. | 故曰悔与错之别. |
| 441 | It's basically the duration of essentially the half life of the negative emotion. | 这基本上是消极情绪的半衰期. |
| 442 | There's a huge difference between regret and disappointment. | 遗憾和失望之间有着巨大的差异. |
| 443 | Huge difference between regret and disappointment, | 遗憾和失望之间的巨大区别 |
| 444 | because with disappointment, you don't have any kind of control. | 因为失望了 你没有任何控制力 |
| 445 | The great example of that is from Janet Landman, a former professor | 其中一个伟大的例子是 前教授珍妮特·兰德曼 |
| 446 | at the University of Michigan, who to me, it's like she tells the story of like, | 在密歇根大学,谁对我, 这就像她讲述的故事喜欢, |
| 447 | OK, so a kid loses her third tooth, a seven year old loses her third tooth. | 好吧,所以一个孩子失去了她的第三颗牙齿, 一个7岁的孩子失去了她的第三颗牙齿。 |
| 448 | She loses her tooth. | 她的牙齿掉了 |
| 449 | She puts the tooth under that she goes to sleep. | 她把牙齿放在她睡觉的地方 |
| 450 | She puts it before she goes to sleep. | 她睡觉前放的 |
| 451 | She puts the tooth under the pillow. | 她把牙齿放在枕头下面 |
| 452 | When she wakes up, the tooth is still there. | 当她醒来时,牙齿还在 |
| 453 | The kid is disappointed, | 这孩子很失望 |
| 454 | but the parents regret not leaving that so disappoint. | 但家长们后悔不离开 如此失望。 |
| 455 | So you have to have some agency and it has to have a | 所以,你必须有一些代理 它必须有一个 |
| 456 | it has to have enough significance that it that it that it stays that it stays | 它必须足够重要 让它留下来,它留下 |
| 457 | with you. | 和你们一起 |
| 458 | And once again, going back to these four core regrets, | 再次回到这四个核心遗憾 |
| 459 | it ends up being the same kinds of it ends up being the same kinds of | 最终是同一种 最终是同一种 |
| 460 | same kinds of things. | 一样的东西。 |
| 461 | We thought if you said, oh, I shouldn't have bought that kind of car. | 我们想如果你说, 哦,我不该买这种车。 |
| 462 | It might stink for a little bit. | 可能有点臭 |
| 463 | But the half life is very, very short. | 但半条命很短 |
| 464 | But other kinds of things stick with us and stick with us. | 但其他的事物 坚持和我们在一起。 |
| 465 | And those are the things often of significance. | 这些都是经常很重要的事情。 |
| 466 | Well, thank you so much, Dan for chatting with us. | 谢谢你 Dan 跟我们聊天 |
| 467 | And I love ending there, if not now, when. | 我喜欢结束在那里,如果不是现在,什么时候。 |
| 468 | And we'll we'll see you soon. | 且道还见么. |
| 469 | Thank you, Dan. | 谢谢你,丹。 |
| 470 | Thanks a lot. | 非常感谢 |
| 471 | What a pleasure. | 幸会 |
| 472 | Thanks for having me. | 谢谢你邀请我 |
| 473 | Thank you so much. | 非常感谢 |
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