TED演讲：成年人的交友秘诀
字幕摘录
| 时间 | 英文 | 中文 |
|---|---|---|
| 0:04 | Now, as an expert on friendship, I'm up against a lot because of the hierarchy that a lot | 现在,作为一个友谊专家, 我反对很多 因为等级,很多 |
| 0:11 | of our cultures place on love, right? | 我们的文化把爱情放在了首位,对吧? |
| 0:13 | With familial love at the top, with romantic love at the top, and with platonic love, friendship | 以家庭爱情为重,以浪漫爱情为重,以柏拉图爱情为重,以友谊为重. |
| 0:19 | love really at the bottom. | 爱真的在底部。 |
| 0:21 | And with so many countries, people feeling so lonely and so disconnected, I believe that | 随着这么多国家,人们 感到如此孤独和如此脱节,我相信 |
| 0:28 | at the bottom of this hierarchy, it's like there's gold at our feet that we're treating | 在这个等级的底部, 它就像有黄金 在我们脚下,我们正在治疗 |
| 0:32 | as concrete. | 混凝土 |
| 0:33 | And so why are friendships so key? | 为什么友谊如此关键? |
| 0:37 | Well, our bodies have always known that we need an entire community to feel whole. | 我们的身体一直知道 我们需要一个完整的社区 |
| 0:42 | And just being around a spouse, for example, only surfaces one side of ourselves. | 和只是围绕一个配偶, 例如,只有表面我们自己。 |
展开字幕全文（553 条）
| 序号 | 英文 | 中文 |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Now, as an expert on friendship, I'm up against a lot because of the hierarchy that a lot | 现在,作为一个友谊专家, 我反对很多 因为等级,很多 |
| 2 | of our cultures place on love, right? | 我们的文化把爱情放在了首位,对吧? |
| 3 | With familial love at the top, with romantic love at the top, and with platonic love, friendship | 以家庭爱情为重,以浪漫爱情为重,以柏拉图爱情为重,以友谊为重. |
| 4 | love really at the bottom. | 爱真的在底部。 |
| 5 | And with so many countries, people feeling so lonely and so disconnected, I believe that | 随着这么多国家,人们 感到如此孤独和如此脱节,我相信 |
| 6 | at the bottom of this hierarchy, it's like there's gold at our feet that we're treating | 在这个等级的底部, 它就像有黄金 在我们脚下,我们正在治疗 |
| 7 | as concrete. | 混凝土 |
| 8 | And so why are friendships so key? | 为什么友谊如此关键? |
| 9 | Well, our bodies have always known that we need an entire community to feel whole. | 我们的身体一直知道 我们需要一个完整的社区 |
| 10 | And just being around a spouse, for example, only surfaces one side of ourselves. | 和只是围绕一个配偶, 例如,只有表面我们自己。 |
| 11 | So maybe the part of me that likes to garden or do yoga will begin to wither away if my | 所以,也许我的一部分喜欢花园 或做瑜伽会 开始消失,如果我 |
| 12 | spouse, for example, doesn't like these activities. | 例如,配偶不喜欢这些活动。 |
| 13 | But then when I'm around a friend, I can garden and plant my pothos with them. | 但当我在朋友身边时,我可以园艺 和他们一起种植我的大麻。 |
| 14 | And I'm around another friend that I can downward facing dog with. | 我和另一个朋友在一起 我可以面对狗 |
| 15 | And I feel my entire identity, accordion outward, unfold and fan out. | 我感觉到我的全部身份,手风琴 外向,外向,外向,外向 |
| 16 | And I experience the full richness and complexities of who I am when I have an entire community | 当我拥有一个完整的社区时,我体验到自己 的丰富和复杂 |
| 17 | to bring that out in me. | 把它带给我 |
| 18 | And so that's one of the reasons why friendship is really important. | 这就是友谊真正重要的原因之一。 |
| 19 | But I think there's two reasons why we tend to really devalue it. | 但我认为有两个原因 我们倾向于真正贬低它的价值。 |
| 20 | One reason is because we just don't know how to make friends. | 原因之一是我们不知道如何交朋友 |
| 21 | So luckily, I'm going to help you with that a little bit today. | 幸运的是,我今天会帮你 |
| 22 | But the other reason has to do with something I like to call the paradox of people, that | 但另一个原因 与我所说的人之间的矛盾有关 |
| 23 | on the one hand, we need people. | 一方面,我们需要人。 |
| 24 | They make us feel healthy. | 他们让我们感觉健康。 |
| 25 | They make us feel connected. | 它们让我们觉得彼此有联系 |
| 26 | They make us feel like our very selves. | 它们让我们觉得自己很自在 |
| 27 | Right. | 对 |
| 28 | But on the other hand, people are really scary. | 但另一方面,人们真的很可怕。 |
| 29 | They can dismiss us. | 他们可以开除我们 |
| 30 | They can reject us. | 他们可以拒绝我们。 |
| 31 | They can actively harm us. | 它们会积极伤害我们。 |
| 32 | And so this sort of dilemma that we face, that the sort of entity that we need the most | 所以这种困境,我们面对, 我们最需要的实体 |
| 33 | is also the entity that can harm us the most. | 也是伤害我们最大的实体。 |
| 34 | And how we walk across this tightrope handling this paradox of people says a lot about our | 我们如何走过这个紧绳 处理这个悖论 人们说了很多关于我们 |
| 35 | ability to make and keep friends, because if we find ourselves stuck in the place where | 因为如果我们发现自己被困在 |
| 36 | we see people as mistrust people, where we see people as potentially rejecting us and | 我们把人看作是不信任的人, 在那里,我们把人看作是潜在的拒绝我们, |
| 37 | harming us, it's really hard to foster connection. | 伤害我们,这真的很难促进联系。 |
| 38 | And this really materialized for me one day when I had bought an apartment and I was really | 有一天,我买了公寓,我真的... |
| 39 | excited to make friends with my neighbors because I'm like, oh, my gosh, I'm going to | 很高兴能和邻居交朋友 因为我要... |
| 40 | be here for a while. | 在这儿待一会儿 |
| 41 | And I see a couple of my neighbors in the hallway when I'm walking home into my apartment | 我在走廊看到几个邻居 当我走回我的公寓 |
| 42 | with my ex at the time who was living with me and I walk right past them. | 和我前男友住在一起 我走过他们 |
| 43 | Right. | 对 |
| 44 | Because paradox of people, I'm scared of them. | 因为人们的矛盾,我害怕他们。 |
| 45 | They might reject me. | 他们可能会拒绝我 |
| 46 | They might see me as weird if I try to introduce myself. | 如果我自我介绍,他们可能会认为我很奇怪 |
| 47 | So I scurry into my apartment and my ex, he pushes me back into the hallway to talk to | 所以我冲进我的公寓 和我的前任, 他推我回到走廊 说话 |
| 48 | my neighbors and says to me, you know, you're writing this book on friends. | 我的邻居对我说,你知道, 你写这本书的朋友。 |
| 49 | What would you tell other people who are in your situation? | 你会怎么跟别人说呢? |
| 50 | And so as I'm sort of stumbling back into the hallway, I'm thinking about a few things | 所以当我有点绊倒 回到走廊, 我想一些事情 |
| 51 | that I have learned through studying friendship so intensely. | 我通过如此激烈的友谊学习了 |
| 52 | And so two observations that I have on friendship and two takeaways for what we can do to | 因此,我有两个关于友谊的观察 和两个外卖 我们可以做什么 |
| 53 | make and keep friends. | 和保持朋友关系。 |
| 54 | First observation, friendship does not happen organically in adulthood, right. | 首先,友谊不会在成年时有机地发生,对吗? |
| 55 | And in fact, one study found that people that think that it happens based on luck are | 事实上,一项研究发现, 认为它发生于运气的人 |
| 56 | actually lonelier five years later, whereas people that see it as happening based on | 实际上更孤独 五年后, 而人们 认为它发生基于 |
| 57 | effort are less lonely five years later. | 五年后,努力不再那么孤独。 |
| 58 | So what did that tell me that if I was just there hoping that my friend, my neighbors | 那告诉我,如果我只是在那里 希望我的朋友,我的邻居 |
| 59 | would someday try to be my friend, it probably wouldn't happen. | 有一天会尝试成为我的朋友, 它可能不会发生。 |
| 60 | Right. | 对 |
| 61 | And so I would need to make that effort. | 所以我需要做这个努力。 |
| 62 | In in order to be able to make friends. | 以能结交. |
| 63 | But second observation that I have based on reading all the research on friendship is | 但根据我对友谊研究的第二点观察 |
| 64 | something called the liking gap, which is a phenomenon wherein when strangers interact | 一种叫做喜好差距的现象 当陌生人互动时 |
| 65 | and predict how likely the other person is to like them, they underestimate how much | 并预测对方是多么可能喜欢他们, 他们低估了多少 |
| 66 | the other person likes them. | 其他人喜欢他们 |
| 67 | So this research really suggests that we're less likely to be rejected than we think, | 所以这个研究真的表明 我们被排斥的可能性比我们想象的要小 |
| 68 | which leads me to my first takeaway for making friends. | 这使我找到我的第一个外卖 交朋友。 |
| 69 | If you want to make friends, you have to assume that people like you. | 如果你想交朋友,就必须假设像你这样的人. |
| 70 | Right. | 对 |
| 71 | The reason is when researchers told people, hey, you're going to go into this | 原因是,当研究人员告诉人们, 嘿,你会进入这个 |
| 72 | group and based on your personality profile, we predict that you will be liked. | 根据你的个性特征 我们预测你会被喜欢 |
| 73 | This is completely bogus, a total lie. | 这是完全假的,一个谎言。 |
| 74 | But they found that when people went into this group of people, they became warmer, | 但是他们发现,当人们进入这群人, 他们变得温暖, |
| 75 | open, more friendly because they made this assumption. | 开放,更友好 因为他们做了这个假设。 |
| 76 | And so indeed, it became this self-fulfilling prophecy called the acceptance prophecy that | 所以事实上,它变成了一个自我实现的预言 叫做接受预言 |
| 77 | when we assume we'll be liked, we make it more likely that we actually will be liked. | 当我们假设我们会被喜欢, 我们使它更可能 我们实际上会被喜欢。 |
| 78 | Whereas other research finds that people that tend to assume that they're rejected, even | 而其他研究发现,人们倾向于 假设他们被拒绝,甚至 |
| 79 | when the circumstance is ambiguous, like my friend, maybe they're just like hungry or | 当情况模棱两可的时候, 就像我的朋友, 也许他们就像饿了或者 |
| 80 | something rather than that. | 而不是那样 |
| 81 | They hate me. | 他们恨我。 |
| 82 | Right. | 对 |
| 83 | Those people that go straight to maybe they don't like me. | 那些直接去找可能不喜欢我的人 |
| 84 | They actually become cold. | 他们实际上变得冷。 |
| 85 | They actually become withdrawn and they reject people and then they get rejected in | 他们实际上被撤回,他们拒绝 人们,然后他们被拒绝 |
| 86 | return. | 返回时。 |
| 87 | So I'm thinking of these things in the hallway, you know, right by my neighbors. | 所以我在走廊里想着这些东西, 你知道的,就在邻居旁边。 |
| 88 | I'm thinking that, you know, I can't wait for this to happen organically. | 我想,你知道,我不能等待 这一切有机发生。 |
| 89 | OK, I'm afraid they're going to reject me, but that's less likely to happen than I actually | 好吧,我怕他们会拒绝我, 但这不太可能发生 比我实际上 |
| 90 | think. | 以为. |
| 91 | I'm thinking I should assume that they're going to like me. | 我想我应该假设他们会喜欢我 |
| 92 | And then one last thing I had to remind myself of was to overcome something called covert | 最后我要提醒自己一件事 就是克服所谓的秘密 |
| 93 | avoidance, which is our tendency to show up around other people physically, but check | 避免,这是我们的倾向 周围的人身体,但检查 |
| 94 | out mentally. | 离开精神。 |
| 95 | Right. | 对 |
| 96 | Like you're like hanging out with people and you're on your phone or | 就像你和别人一起玩,你在你的手机上 |
| 97 | that would look like me just standing in the hallway, hoping that my neighbors talk to | 看起来像我站在走廊上 希望我的邻居说话 |
| 98 | me. | 来啊 |
| 99 | And so to make friends, you have to overcome covert avoidance by not just showing | 为了交朋友,你必须克服隐蔽的逃避 不只是展示 |
| 100 | up. | 起来 |
| 101 | I showed up in that hallway. | 我在走廊里出现了 |
| 102 | Right. | 对 |
| 103 | But you also have to engage with people when you get there. | 但你也得和人们接触 当你到达那里。 |
| 104 | So I ended up approaching my neighbors and saying, Hi, I'm Marissa. | 结果我接近邻居说,嗨,我是玛丽莎 |
| 105 | I just moved into 103. | 我刚搬进103号 |
| 106 | It's really great to meet you. | 很高兴见到你 |
| 107 | Can we start chatting? | 我们可以开始聊天吗? |
| 108 | And at some point, you know, I asked them, like, is there a group where we can keep in | 在某些时候,你知道,我问他们, 像,有一个小组,我们可以保持 |
| 109 | touch? | 触摸吗? |
| 110 | I'd love to chat further. | 我想再聊一会儿 |
| 111 | And they tell me about their cat group that they have for cat parents in the drew. | 他们告诉我 他们的猫组 他们有猫的父母在画。 |
| 112 | And I don't have a cat, but like I'll take connection when I could find it. | 我没有一只猫,不过我找到它时会联系 |
| 113 | So the cat group became half cat group, half social group. | 于是猫团变成了半猫团,半社会团. |
| 114 | And I think sometimes we think that, you know, a tiny act, something small like saying | 我觉得有时候我们觉得,你知道, 一个小的动作, 像说 |
| 115 | hello can't have colossal consequences for our life. | 你好,不能给我们的生活带来巨大的后果。 |
| 116 | But when we can lean into the sort of positive side of the paradox of people, when we can | 但是,当我们可以倾斜 到那种积极的一面 人们的矛盾, 当我们可以 |
| 117 | initiate and assume people like us. | 发起并假设像我们这样的人。 |
| 118 | Right. | 对 |
| 119 | It can have colossal consequences because since I said that, hello, me and my | 后果可能很严重,因为自从我说,你好,我和我 |
| 120 | neighbors, we met up and we hung out every Friday, socially distance of the pandemic | 邻居们,我们相遇了 我们每个星期五都出去逛逛 远离这场大流行 |
| 121 | in the garden behind our apartment. | 在我们公寓后面的花园里 |
| 122 | Right. | 对 |
| 123 | And so I think that this experience really taught me the importance that while | 所以我认为,这种经历 真正教会了我 的重要性,虽然 |
| 124 | we all face this paradox of people, while we all face this dilemma, that if we want to | 我们都面临这种人之间的矛盾,而我们都面临这种两难境地,如果我们想 |
| 125 | make friends, if we want to connect with people, we have to be able to move away from | 交朋友,如果我们想与人联系, 我们必须能够远离 |
| 126 | the part of ourselves that is fearful, that is mistrustful, that assumes people will harm | 恐惧 不信任 假设人会伤害 |
| 127 | or reject us and turn towards the part of ourselves that simply wants to love and connect | 或拒绝我们 转向我们自己 |
| 128 | with people and can ready ourselves to engage in these new connections with optimism | * 与人民并准备以乐观的态度参与这些新的联系 |
| 129 | and with hope. | 充满希望 |
| 130 | You know, my niece read my book Platonic, and one thing that she took | 你知道,我的侄女读了我的书 Platonic, 和一件事,她拿 |
| 131 | away from it was that for friendship to happen, someone has to be brave. | 离友谊的到来 必须要有人勇敢 |
| 132 | So be brave. | 所以要勇敢点 |
| 133 | Thank you. | 谢谢 |
| 134 | And I could see in the chat that a lot of the members also really loved some | 我在聊天时看到 很多成员也很喜欢一些 |
| 135 | of the things you shared there. | 你在那里分享的东西。 |
| 136 | So thank you so much for that wonderful talk and for those tips, which we will dive into | 所以,非常感谢你 精彩的谈话和这些提示, 我们将潜入 |
| 137 | in this conversation. | 在这个谈话中。 |
| 138 | And, you know, I think just to sort of start your line of work is | 而且,你知道,我想只是 排序开始你的工作是 |
| 139 | so interesting. | 这么有趣。 |
| 140 | Friendship is, it seems such a unique area to research. | 友谊是,它似乎是一个独特的研究领域。 |
| 141 | And I actually want to read something back to you from your book to help us understand | 我其实想从你的书里读给你听 帮助我们理解 |
| 142 | a little bit more about just the importance of this type of relationship. | 更多一点 仅仅关于这种关系的重要性。 |
| 143 | You say, friendship in releasing the relationship pressure valve infuses us with joy like no | 你说,友情释放 关系压力阀 给我们注入欢乐 像没有 |
| 144 | other relationship without needing to plan for retirement, fulfill each other's sexual | 其他关系 不需要计划退休, 满足彼此的性 |
| 145 | needs and work out who should be scrubbing the shower grime. | 需要,并找出谁应该 清洗淋浴的阴霾。 |
| 146 | We are free to make friendship territories of pleasure. | 我们可自由地把友谊领土变成欢乐之地。 |
| 147 | So can you talk a little bit more about this and just why friendship holds such an important | 所以,你可以多谈一点 关于这一点, 只是为什么友谊有这么重要 |
| 148 | role in all of our lives? | 我们一生中的角色? |
| 149 | Yeah, yeah. | 对 对 |
| 150 | Well, first of all, I'll take a step back and say, like, clearly connection is | 首先,我要退一步说, 很明显,联系是 |
| 151 | so central to all of us. | 对我们所有人来说都很重要 |
| 152 | You know, the research finds that, for example, loneliness is more toxic for your body than | 你知道,研究发现,比如孤独对身体的毒性比 |
| 153 | having a poor diet or not exercising. | 饮食不良或不运动。 |
| 154 | Right. | 对 |
| 155 | And and these are things that we talk about in the public health conscious. | 这些是我们在公众健康意识中谈论的。 |
| 156 | But we don't talk about social connection enough. | 但是我们谈论社会联系还不够. |
| 157 | Maybe for UK folks, you all have a prime minister of loneliness. | 也许对英国人来说 你们都有孤独的首相 |
| 158 | So it's a it's a little bit different. | 故谓之小异. |
| 159 | Right. | 对 |
| 160 | But when we talk about the impact of loneliness, there's actually three different | 但当我们谈论孤独的影响时 其实有三个不同 |
| 161 | dimensions of loneliness. | 孤独的层面 |
| 162 | There is intimate loneliness, which is the desire for someone to be very intimate with. | 有亲密的孤独,这就是 渴望一个人非常亲密。 |
| 163 | There's also relational loneliness, which is the desire for someone that feels as close | 也有感情上的孤独 也就是对一个感觉很亲近的人的渴望 |
| 164 | to us as a friend might. | 对我们来说是朋友 |
| 165 | And then there's collective loneliness, which means I desire to be part of a group working | 然后是集体孤独 也就是说我想成为团队的一员 |
| 166 | towards a common goal. | 实现共同目标。 |
| 167 | And this research on loneliness really suggests that just like I said, we really do need an | 对孤独的研究表明 我们确实需要一个 |
| 168 | entire community to feel whole, because if we just focus on being very nuclear, you know, | 因为如果我们只关注核问题 |
| 169 | just having a spouse and that being the center of all of our connections. | 只有一个配偶,那是我们所有关系的核心。 |
| 170 | Right. | 对 |
| 171 | That's maybe touching on our intimate loneliness, but not our relational, not our | 这或许是感动我们亲密的孤独, 但不是我们的关系,不是我们的 |
| 172 | collective. | 集体的。 |
| 173 | Right. | 对 |
| 174 | And so I think a lot of us found this in the pandemic that, you know, we | 所以,我认为我们很多人 在大流行中发现了这一点, 你知道,我们 |
| 175 | may have been home with a spouse or partner that we really loved a lot, but we still ended up | 可能和我们非常爱的配偶或伴侣在一起 但我们最终还是 |
| 176 | feeling lonely. | 感觉孤独。 |
| 177 | And that's because like as social species, as social creatures, like we | 这是因为,就像社会物种, 社会生物,像我们 |
| 178 | just need an entire community to fulfill us. | 只需要一个完整的社区来满足我们 |
| 179 | You touch on this a little bit in the talk and in the book, you separate sort of the way you | 你在谈话和书里 稍微触及一下, 你分离的方式 |
| 180 | think about friendship into two categories. | 将友谊分为两类 |
| 181 | You talk about, you know, sort of a backward look at how we've traditionally experienced | 你谈论,你知道, 有点落后 看我们如何传统上的经验 |
| 182 | friendship, and then you look forward at how we could build better relationships, better | 友谊,然后你期待 我们如何建立更好的关系,更好的 |
| 183 | platonic relationships. | 柏拉图关系. |
| 184 | And so if we could just talk a little bit about sort of that first section, just diving into how | 所以,如果我们可以 谈一点点 排序第一节,只是潜入如何 |
| 185 | we as a culture tend to think about friendship and how does this really impact the way that we | 我们作为一个文化 倾向于思考友谊, 和如何真正影响 我们的方式 |
| 186 | actually approach it? | 实际上接近它? |
| 187 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 188 | So I'm reading all the research on friendship and what sort of materializes before my | 所以,我读了所有关于友谊的研究 和什么样的实现 在我之前 |
| 189 | eyes is that our personalities are fundamentally a reflection of our experiences of connection or | 眼睛是,我们的个性 从根本上反映我们的经验 连接或 |
| 190 | disconnection, right? | 断线,对不对? |
| 191 | Like in some ways, our personalities are coping mechanisms from the | 在某些方面,我们的人格 正在应对机制从 |
| 192 | experiences of connection or disconnection we've received. | 我们得到的连接或断开的经验。 |
| 193 | So whether you are friendly, open, warm, vulnerable, trusting, cynical, aggressive, even | 所以,如果你是友好的,开放的,温暖的,脆弱的,信任的, 玩世不恭的,侵略性的,甚至 |
| 194 | violent, all of this is predicted by what your history of connection or lack thereof looks like. | 暴力,所有这一切的预言 由你的历史 联系或缺乏。 |
| 195 | So how we've connected really affects who we are. | 所以,我们的联系 真正影响我们是谁。 |
| 196 | But not only that, who we are really affects how we connect, right? | 不仅如此,我们是谁 真正影响着我们的联系,对不对? |
| 197 | Those people that have that history of healthy relationships. | 那些有健康关系历史的人 |
| 198 | They have an internal set of beliefs within them that allows them to continue to facilitate healthy | 他们内部有一套信仰,使他们能够继续促进健康 |
| 199 | relationships. | 关系 |
| 200 | This is if people are familiar with attachment theory, securely attached people who think others | 这是如果人们熟悉依恋论, 安全依恋的人谁认为别人 |
| 201 | can be trusted, who think they can be vulnerable, who think they can turn to people for support, | 相信,谁认为他们可以 脆弱,谁认为他们可以 转向人们的支持, |
| 202 | right? | 对吧? |
| 203 | And they go into new relationships with a set of beliefs and allows them to continue to create | 他们与一组信仰建立了新的关系 让他们继续创造 |
| 204 | these new relationships. | 这些新的关系。 |
| 205 | Whereas people who have had difficult previous relationships, those can be internalized as a | 以前有过困难关系的人可以被内化为 |
| 206 | impede their ability to foster further connections, right? | 妨碍他们加强联系的能力,对吧? |
| 207 | Because they may think people are going to reject me, that I can't be vulnerable, that I can never | 因为他们可能认为人们会拒绝我, 我不能脆弱,我不能 |
| 208 | feel safe around anybody, even when someone is safe, they're still holding that assumption | 感觉安全 在任何人身边, 即使有人是安全的, 他们仍然持有这个假设 |
| 209 | and that judgment, right? | 和判断,对不对? |
| 210 | And so what I want Platonic to do, because I know some people hear this and they're like, | 所以我希望Platonic做, 因为我知道有些人听到这个 他们喜欢, |
| 211 | good for those people with healthy childhoods, you know, whatever for me, I guess. | 对那些有健康童年的人有好处, 你知道,无论对我,我想。 |
| 212 | I do absolutely not. | 我绝对没有。 |
| 213 | Your work is focused specifically on adult friendships, which for a lot of the reasons | 你的工作主要集中在成人友谊上 因为很多原因 |
| 214 | you've already outlined seem like are just really challenging for us to develop. | 你所描述的 对我们的发展来说 似乎非常具有挑战性 |
| 215 | But I guess, can you talk about sort of why this breakdown happens and really when we | 但我想,你能不能谈谈 为什么这种崩溃发生 以及真正的当我们 |
| 216 | start to see that it becomes more difficult for people to make friends in the same way | 开始看到人们越来越难 以同样的方式交朋友 |
| 217 | as you do when you were kids? | 就像你小时候一样? |
| 218 | Yeah, so when I say friendship doesn't happen organically in adulthood, I don't mean that | 是啊,所以当我说友谊 不是有机地发生 在成年,我不是说 |
| 219 | friendship doesn't happen organically in childhood, because for children, it often does. | 友谊在童年时期并不有机地发生,因为对于儿童来说,它经常发生. |
| 220 | And they have certain ingredients in their environment that really foster friendship. | 他们的环境下有某些成分 真正促进友谊。 |
| 221 | So Rebecca G. Adams, she's a sociologist, and she says, you know, for friendship to | 所以Rebecca G. Adams, 她是一个社会学家, 她说,你知道,为友谊 |
| 222 | be fostered, you need to have organically, you need to have this repeated unplanned interaction | 被培养,你需要有机的, 你需要有这种反复的无计划的互动 |
| 223 | and the shared vulnerability, right? | 和共同的脆弱性,对不对? |
| 224 | And so in school, we have that we have that through our lunch period. | 在学校里,我们有一个 午餐时间。 |
| 225 | We have that through our gym. | 我们的健身房里有这个 |
| 226 | We have that through our recess, right? | 休庭时我们都有这个,对吧? |
| 227 | We're seeing our friends. | 我们在和朋友见面 |
| 228 | We see people every day. | 我们每天都看到人 |
| 229 | We're letting our guard down. | 我们放松警惕了 |
| 230 | We end up sort of just developing these friendships. | 我们最终只是发展了这些友谊。 |
| 231 | But when you think about adults going into the working world, you may have repeated unplanned | 但是当你想到成人进入工作世界时 你可能又重复了计划外的事情 |
| 232 | interaction with your colleagues, less so now that we're going more hybrid and remote | 和你的同事互动, 少了现在,我们正在去 更多的混合和远程 |
| 233 | workplace, right? | 工作场所,对不对? |
| 234 | But we're often not as vulnerable in the workplace. | 但我们在工作场所往往没有那么脆弱. |
| 235 | And that's why one study, and this again, this is caveat US context, one study found | 这就是为什么一个研究, 和这个,再次, 这是提醒美国的背景, 一个研究发现 |
| 236 | that the more time people spend together at work, the less close that they feel. | 人们一起工作的时间越多 就越不觉得自己很近 |
| 237 | And so we need to recognize that as adults, we don't have the same infrastructure we had | 因此我们需要认识到,作为成年人, 我们没有同样的基础设施 我们拥有 |
| 238 | as kids. | 作为孩子。 |
| 239 | So we can't rely on the same set of assumptions that, oh, this is just going to happen. | 所以我们不能依赖同样的假设, 哦,这只是会发生。 |
| 240 | I don't have to try. | 我不必尝试。 |
| 241 | I don't have to initiate. | 我不必主动 |
| 242 | Because as I shared from that previous research study, if we think that way, for a lot of | 因为,正如我分享 从之前的研究, 如果我们这样认为, 对于很多 |
| 243 | us, it won't happen. | 我们,它不会发生。 |
| 244 | I mean, and I think also just thinking about what friendship brings to the table for you, | 我的意思是,我想 也只是在想 友谊带给你的桌子, |
| 245 | what it actually how it benefits you, you have this phrase in your book where you say | 你书里写着一句 |
| 246 | others makes us ourselves. | 其他人让我们自己。 |
| 247 | And it's about much more than just the pleasure of connection there. | 这不仅仅是 连接的乐趣。 |
| 248 | Can you explain a little bit about that? | 你能解释一下吗? |
| 249 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 250 | So Harry Stack Sullivan, he's a psychiatrist, and he has this theory called the theory of | 所以哈利·斯塔克·沙利文 他是个心理医生 他的理论叫做 |
| 251 | chums, which is basically that our chums or our friends earlier in life, they provide | 乡巴佬,基本上我们乡巴佬 或我们的朋友,他们提供 |
| 252 | us with the sort of relationship template that we take on into our future. | 和我们的未来的关系模式 |
| 253 | So it allows us to continue to connect throughout life, right? | 因此,它让我们继续连接 整个生命,对不对? |
| 254 | And there is some research that finds that if we connect in childhood, we have good friends | 有一些研究发现 如果我们在童年时就连在一起 我们就会有好朋友 |
| 255 | in childhood, we have higher self-esteem in adulthood. | 在童年时期,我们在成年时有更高的自尊。 |
| 256 | We're more empathic in adulthood, right? | 我们成年后比较有同情心,对吧? |
| 257 | And so he kind of argues that the therapy experience is similar to the chumship experience | 所以他提出 治疗经验与丘陵经验相似 |
| 258 | in that with your friends, you share things that you feel like you should be ashamed of, | 和你的朋友们分享你应该感到羞耻的东西 |
| 259 | right? | 对吧? |
| 260 | And when you are ashamed of something, you're not integrating it into your entire personality. | 而当你对某件事感到羞耻的时候,你并没有将它融入到整个人格中. |
| 261 | You're trying to push it away and suppress it and not make it who you are. | 你试图推开它,压制它,而不是制造你是谁。 |
| 262 | And the shame can really take over your whole personality because you're pushing away this | 羞耻能取代你的个性 因为你推开这个 |
| 263 | part of who you are that you think is shameful. | 你自认为是可耻的一部分 |
| 264 | But then so much of your personality is spent focusing on making sure nobody finds out this | 但你的个性却被花在了确保没人发现 |
| 265 | thing, right? | 事情,对不对? |
| 266 | And so that's why shame can be so encompassing and enveloping. | 这就是为什么羞耻可以如此包罗万象和包罗万象。 |
| 267 | But what Stack Sullivan argues is that when kids share the shame with their friends and | 但斯塔克·沙利文认为 当孩子们和朋友分享耻辱 |
| 268 | are like, you know, we still love you, you know, this isn't a big deal for us, right? | 我们仍爱你 这对我们来说没什么大不了的 对吧? |
| 269 | And we still think you're amazing and we accept that about you, right? | 我们仍然觉得你很棒 我们接受你的看法 对吧? |
| 270 | We begin to be able to accept it in ourselves and to bring whatever we felt shame about, | 我们开始能够接受它 并带来我们感到的耻辱, |
| 271 | to see it as just part of our personalities rather than antithetical to the personality | 把它看作是我们人格的一部分 而不是与人格对立 |
| 272 | that we want to have. | 我们想要的。 |
| 273 | And we are able to sort of relinquish all of the energies that we spent trying to push | 而我们能够放弃所有精力 我们试图推动 |
| 274 | this thing away. | 这件事情离开。 |
| 275 | So in that way, the experience of experiencing that platonic love from our friends, especially | 因此,通过这种方式,经历 从我们的朋友们的柏拉图爱情,特别是 |
| 276 | at that time in childhood, teenage years, we're very high in shame. | 那时,在童年,少年时代, 我们非常羞愧。 |
| 277 | We're like highest in shame throughout our whole lifespan, right? | 我们整个生命中最羞耻的,对吧? |
| 278 | That our friends are there at that time when we're so high in shame to help us integrate | 我们的朋友在那个时候, 我们是如此的羞愧地帮助我们融入 |
| 279 | that and to help us connect to all sides of ourselves so that we sort of begin to become | 帮助我们连接到我们自己的各个方面 这样我们才开始 |
| 280 | who we fully are. | 我们的完整身份。 |
| 281 | It's just so interesting how much vulnerability and shame play into this. | 有趣的是,在这件事情中 有多少弱点和耻辱。 |
| 282 | And in a way, it seems like on the one hand, as you get more confident, you start to lose | 从某种意义上说,它似乎一方面, 随着你变得更加自信, 你开始失去 |
| 283 | some of the ability to make new friends, but also using that confidence leaning into it | 有些能交到新朋友的能力, 但也利用这种信心 |
| 284 | to actually make the friends is what you need. | 真正交朋友是你们需要的 |
| 285 | So it's fascinating. | 所以这很迷人 |
| 286 | Well, I want to dive into some of the member questions we're receiving because they're | 好吧,我想潜入一些成员的问题 我们收到的,因为它们是 |
| 287 | also really interesting. | 还很有趣 |
| 288 | So Ted member Arnaldo, they ask, married people often complain about lack of time to | 所以泰德成员阿纳尔多,他们问, 已婚的人经常抱怨没有时间 |
| 289 | cultivate friendships outside of the marital circle. | 在婚姻圈外培养友谊。 |
| 290 | What insights have you gained in your research about the effect of outside friendships and | 你在研究外部友谊和 |
| 291 | a couple's relationship? | 一对夫妇的关系? |
| 292 | I love this question. | 我喜欢这个问题。 |
| 293 | I think that having outside friendships is necessary for having a healthy marriage. | 我认为,有外界的友谊是保持健康婚姻的必要条件。 |
| 294 | I do. | 当然 |
| 295 | And this is where I'm coming from with that. | 我从这里开始 |
| 296 | The research basically finds that if I make a friend, I'm not only less depressed, but | 研究基本上发现,如果我交朋友, 我不仅不那么沮丧,而且 |
| 297 | my spouse is too. | 我的配偶也是。 |
| 298 | It also finds that when you get into conflict with your spouse, it negatively impacts your | 它还发现,当你与配偶发生冲突时,它会对你的配偶产生不利影响。 |
| 299 | release of a stress hormone cortisol, right? | 释放出压力激素皮质醇,对不对? |
| 300 | But if you have quality connection outside of that marriage, that doesn't happen. | 但是,如果你有质量 连接在婚外, 这是不会发生的。 |
| 301 | Your cortisol release is normal, right? | 你的皮质醇释放是正常的,对吧? |
| 302 | Other research that finds that, particularly for women who tend to have more close intimate | 其他研究发现,特别是对于往往关系较密切的妇女而言, |
| 303 | relationships, when they go through difficulties within that partnership, they are more resilient | 关系,当他们在这种伙伴关系中遇到困难时,就更具有弹性 |
| 304 | to it when they have this outside support, right? | 当他们有这种外部支持,对不对? |
| 305 | So it's just like, if I can access this other person to center me during times of stress | 所以,它只是喜欢,如果我可以接触 这个另一个人 中心我的时间压力 |
| 306 | in my marriage, I can return to that marriage in a centered and grounded way. | 在我的婚姻中,我可以回到那个婚姻 以中心与基础的方式。 |
| 307 | And that's a resource for me. | 这对我来说是一种资源。 |
| 308 | And it's a resource for my spouse, where we see that people that only have that close | 这是对我配偶的一种资源, 在那里,我们看到那些只有如此接近的人 |
| 309 | connection with their spouse, they have high rates of what's called concordance, which | 他们与配偶的关系, 他们的高比率 所谓的和谐, |
| 310 | means that however your spouse feels is kind of how you feel. | 意思是无论你配偶的感受是什么 |
| 311 | Their sort of energy affects you a lot more when they're the only person that you're | 当他们是唯一的人时 他们的能量会影响你更多 |
| 312 | looking to for support. | 寻找支持 |
| 313 | And so what happens is the natural ebbs and flows that can happen in a marriage, they're | 因此,会发生的是 自然的 ebbs和流动 在婚姻中发生,他们是 |
| 314 | so much more impacted and they're so much more devastated during those times of ebbs | 受到的冲击更大 而在那些Ebbs时代 他们受到的打击更大 |
| 315 | because they don't have that support outside of the relationship. | 因为他们在关系之外没有这种支持 |
| 316 | So I think sometimes we think of like, oh, are my friends a threat to my spouse? | 所以我想有时候我们会想到 我的朋友会威胁我的配偶吗? |
| 317 | My spouse is spending time with their friends. | 我的配偶和他们的朋友在一起 |
| 318 | They're not spending time with me. | 他们不花时间和我在一起。 |
| 319 | But if we understand more broadly the importance of friendship and how it makes every other | 但是如果我们更广义地理解友谊的重要性 以及它如何使彼此 |
| 320 | relationship in our life better, we will see that there's actually synergy between | 我们生活中的关系会更好, 我们会看到,实际上有 协同作用 |
| 321 | these relationships that my friend having a my spouse having friends outside of this | 这些关系,我的朋友 有我的配偶 有朋友在这之外 |
| 322 | relationship is what makes them the better spouse for me. | 关系是让他们成为我更好的配偶。 |
| 323 | So so much of it has to do with the way we just think about the role friendships play | 和我们思考友谊的作用有关 |
| 324 | in our life. | 在我们的生活中。 |
| 325 | Well, we have lots of questions that are coming in about sort of the steps to actually | 嗯,我们有很多问题要问 关于某种步骤实际上 |
| 326 | making friends. | 交朋友吗? |
| 327 | And I think before we get into some of those specific questions, I know you in the talk, | 我想在我们开始讨论这些具体问题之前 我在谈话中认识你 |
| 328 | you sort of shared you started with two tips, this idea of first assuming that people like | 你有点分享你开始的两个提示, 这个想法首先假设人们喜欢 |
| 329 | you and then overcoming what you call covert avoidance or that urge to sort of mentally | 然后克服你所谓的隐蔽避避避 或者精神上的冲动 |
| 330 | check out when you're meeting someone new. | 你什么时候见新人? |
| 331 | What are some of the other ways that you you recommend people try to build tools that | 你推荐别人尝试制造工具的其他方法是什么? |
| 332 | people use to build new friendships? | 人们用来建立新的友谊? |
| 333 | Yeah, so I can walk through my own experience of making a bunch of friends and share this | 是啊,所以我可以走 通过我自己的经验 交朋友 分享这个 |
| 334 | in a story. | 在一个故事。 |
| 335 | I went to Mexico City alone and was there for 10 days and was like, OK, if I spend 10 | 我一个人去了墨西哥城 在那里待了十天 然后... |
| 336 | days here and don't make any friends, I'm going to be very lonely. | 在这里的日子 不要交朋友, 我会非常孤独。 |
| 337 | So how did I make friends when I was there? | 我在那里时怎么交朋友的? |
| 338 | First, I went to a coffee shop. | 首先 我去了一家咖啡馆 |
| 339 | I heard another American there and I knew he's less likely to reject me than I think. | 我听到另一个美国人在那里 我知道他不太可能拒绝我 |
| 340 | I also knew the research on transitioners, right? | 我也知道关于过渡者的研究 对吧? |
| 341 | People that are in times of transition are most open to friendships. | 处于转型时期的人对友谊最开放. |
| 342 | So people that are traveling, people that have just moved to the city, people that have | 因此,人们正在旅行, 人们刚刚搬到城市, |
| 343 | just started school, people that have just retired, right? | 刚刚开始上学, 刚刚退休的人,对不对? |
| 344 | Those are the people to try to connect with versus, you know, someone who's been here | 这些人试图联系 与,你知道,有人 谁一直在这里 |
| 345 | for a while and already has an established network. | 暂时已经建立了网络。 |
| 346 | So I knew this guy's a transitioner and he's less likely to reject me than I think. | 所以我知道这家伙是一个过渡者 他不太可能拒绝我 比我想象的。 |
| 347 | So I'm going to engage with him. | 所以我要和他接触 |
| 348 | And I ask, you know, where are you from? | 我问,你知道,你来自哪里? |
| 349 | Like, I'm from the US too. | 喜欢,我也来自美国。 |
| 350 | We start chatting and I end up inviting him to a meetup that night. | 我们开始聊天 我最后邀请他去见他 |
| 351 | And it's like a language exchange meetup. | 亦如语言交换交会. |
| 352 | And at that language exchange meetup, I meet someone else who's cool. | 在那场语言交流会上 我遇到了另一个很酷的人 |
| 353 | And I say, you know, do you want to come to this Lucha Libre wrestling match with me? | 我说,你知道,你想来 参加这个Lucha Libre摔跤比赛吗? |
| 354 | And he said yes. | 他答应了 |
| 355 | And I think, you know, what I realized too from the research on friendship, I used to | 我想,你知道,我也从友谊的研究中 了解到,我曾经 |
| 356 | think that making friends was about being interesting, being smart, being insightful, | 交朋友是为了有趣 聪明 洞察力 |
| 357 | being charismatic, being entertaining. | 有魅力,有娱乐性 |
| 358 | But in fact, people report that this entertainment factor is the least important quality they | 但事实上,人们报告说 这个娱乐因素 是他们最重要的质量 |
| 359 | look for in a friend. | 找个朋友 |
| 360 | And the most important quality that they look for is someone who makes them feel like they | 他们寻找的最重要的品质 是让他们感觉像他们 |
| 361 | matter. | 物质。 |
| 362 | So for me, if I want to connect with someone, it's not about me trying to impress them. | 所以对我来说,如果我想和某人联系, 这不是我试图打动他们。 |
| 363 | It's about me trying to make them feel valued and, you know, say hello to them and engage | 我试着让他们觉得自己很受重视 和他们打个招呼 并参与其中 |
| 364 | with them and tell them what I like about them and tell them what I appreciate about | 和他们一起 告诉他们我喜欢他们什么 告诉他们我感激什么 |
| 365 | them. | 他们。 |
| 366 | Right. | 对 |
| 367 | Like, you know, there's a study that looked at friendship, budding friendship groups for | 就像,你知道,有一个研究 看友谊, 萌芽友谊小组 |
| 368 | like 12 weeks, which of these pairs ended up becoming friends. | 像12个星期, 其中的哪一对 最终成为朋友。 |
| 369 | And it was the ones that shared the most affirmation and affection towards each other. | 而正是那些对彼此最肯定和最亲切的人。 |
| 370 | Right. | 对 |
| 371 | So just to go even deeper into the research rabbit hole, there's a theory called risk | 所以为了深入研究兔子洞 有个理论叫冒险 |
| 372 | regulation theory, which indicates that we decide how much to invest in a relationship | 规范理论,它表明,我们决定对关系投资多少 |
| 373 | based on our view of how likely we are to get rejected. | 根据我们的观点 我们是多么有可能被拒绝。 |
| 374 | So when we show people I like you, we're telling them, hey, you're not going to get rejected | 所以,当我们向人们展示 我喜欢你,我们告诉他们, 嘿,你不会被拒绝 |
| 375 | if you try to be friends with me. | 如果你试着跟我做朋友的话 |
| 376 | And that makes people really want to feel safe, really feel safe connecting with us. | 这使得人们真正想要感到安全, 真正感到安全与我们联系。 |
| 377 | Right. | 对 |
| 378 | So I was both engaging with these people and I was trying to make them feel loved. | 所以,我既与这些人接触, 我试图让他们感到被爱。 |
| 379 | And tell them how great I thought they were and how happy I am to meet them as I reached | 告诉他们,我有多伟大,我是多么高兴 见到他们,当我到达 |
| 380 | out to them. | 让他们出去 |
| 381 | And then I went to my Spanish class, which if you don't have any friends, what I recommend | 然后我去了我的西班牙语课, 如果你没有朋友,我建议 |
| 382 | is that you join something that's repeated over time. | 就是你加入一个 随时间推移而重复的东西 |
| 383 | And remember, I said repeated unplanned interaction shared vulnerability is that | 记住,我说过,反复无计划的互动 共同的脆弱性是, |
| 384 | infrastructure that kids have for friends that we lack as adults. | 儿童为朋友所拥有的基础设施,我们成人时缺乏这些基础设施。 |
| 385 | So as adults, we really need to recreate that infrastructure. | 因此,作为成年人,我们真的需要 重建基础设施。 |
| 386 | And so if you join like a social group that's repeated over time, turn your hobby into a | 所以如果你像一个社交团体一样加入 随着时间的推移,你把你的爱好变成一个 |
| 387 | community. | 社区。 |
| 388 | Right. | 对 |
| 389 | That's a really important way to make friends. | 这是交朋友的重要方法 |
| 390 | So for me, it's I want to take the Spanish class because I love learning languages. | 所以对我来说,我想上西班牙语课,因为我喜欢学习语言。 |
| 391 | For you, it might be football team, improv team, hiking team, meditation group, but it's | 对你来说,它可能是足球队,即兴队,徒步队,冥想组,但它是 |
| 392 | just finding something, finding a group that meets around this hobby. | 找到一个围绕这个爱好的团体 |
| 393 | Because when you find something that's repeated over time, what happens is something called | 因为当你发现一些 随着时间的推移重复的东西, 会发生什么叫做 |
| 394 | the mere exposure effect sets in. | 光是暴露效应就发生了 |
| 395 | The mere exposure effect describes our tendency to unconsciously, completely unconsciously | 光是暴露效应就说明了我们无意识、完全无意识的倾向。 |
| 396 | like people just because they are familiar to us. | 就像人们只是因为他们熟悉我们。 |
| 397 | So for example, this researcher found that when he planted women into a large psychology | 例如,这个研究者发现 当他把女性植入一个大型的心理学 |
| 398 | lecture at the end of the semester, none of the students remembered the woman, but they | 在学期结束时的讲座, 没有一个学生记得这个女人,但他们 |
| 399 | reported liking the woman who showed up to the most classes 20% more than the woman that | 报告喜欢最上流社会的女人 比那个女人多20% |
| 400 | didn't show up for any. | 没有出现过 |
| 401 | Right. | 对 |
| 402 | Nobody remembered her, but they liked her a lot because they had seen our face. | 没人记得她,但他们很喜欢她 因为他们看到我们的脸。 |
| 403 | This is our brain. | 这是我们的大脑。 |
| 404 | And what I think the other implication of mere exposure effect is in the beginning, | 我认为另一个影响 仅仅是暴露效应的开始, |
| 405 | mere exposure effect hasn't set in. | 光是暴露效果还没有形成 |
| 406 | So it's going to be awkward. | 所以会很尴尬 |
| 407 | It's going to be weary. | 将谓疲劳. |
| 408 | You're going to feel uncomfortable. | 你会觉得不舒服的。 |
| 409 | Right. | 对 |
| 410 | Maybe a little distrusting. | 也许有点不信任 |
| 411 | That's not a sign that you need to stop showing up. | 这不是你需要停止出现的迹象 |
| 412 | That's a sign you need to keep showing up because when you continue to show up, they're | 这是一个标志,你需要继续出现 因为当你继续出现,他们是 |
| 413 | going to like you more. | 会更喜欢你 |
| 414 | You're going to like them more. | 你会更喜欢他们的 |
| 415 | Right. | 对 |
| 416 | So I joined that Spanish class. | 所以我加入了那个西班牙课。 |
| 417 | That was repeated over time. | 随着时间的推移,这种情况一再发生。 |
| 418 | Every day in Spanish class, I would ask people to go out to lunch with me. | 每天在西班牙课上,我都会请人们和我一起去吃午饭. |
| 419 | We go out to lunch together. | 我们一起去吃午饭 |
| 420 | 然后我们一起去Lucha Libre。 | |
| 421 | Of course, I was only there for 10 days, so I can only go so deep with folks. | 当然,我在那里只呆了十天, 所以我只能和人们去那么深。 |
| 422 | But in general, when you join this event that's repeated over time, you want to start | 但总的来讲,当你加入这个 随时间推移而重复的事件, 你想开始 |
| 423 | generating exclusivity with someone in that group. | 产生独家 与该群体的人。 |
| 424 | Exclusivity means you develop memories and you develop experiences with one person in | 排他性意味着你发展记忆 和一个人的经验 |
| 425 | the group that you don't have with other people. | 你和别人没有关系 |
| 426 | Pick whoever in the group that you really liked and ask them, oh, would you be open | 选一个你真正喜欢的人 问他们,哦,你会开放 |
| 427 | to getting coffee, getting tea before or after our next group? | 在下一组之前或之后喝茶? |
| 428 | I'd love to hang out. | 我很乐意出去玩 |
| 429 | Those are the budding stems of friendship. | 这是友谊的发芽。 |
| 430 | Luckily, if you're in this group, you don't have to put in as much effort and you had | 幸运的是,如果你是这个团体, 你不必付出那么多努力,你曾经 |
| 431 | your tea and now you're going to just continue to see them over time and you have the wheel | 你的茶,现在你要继续看到它们 随着时间的推移,你有轮子 |
| 432 | start moving for friendship and connection. | 开始寻求友谊和联系 |
| 433 | {\fn黑体\fs22\bord1\shad0\3aHBE\4aH00\fscx67\fscy66\2cHFFFFFF\3cH808080}Ted成员Celia其实对虚拟友谊很好奇 {\fn黑体\fs22\bord1\shad0\3aHBE\4aH00\fscx67\fscy66\2cHFFFFFF\3cH808080}以及这一切 | |
| 434 | plays into it, especially to some of the points you're making earlier about the pandemic. | 特别是你之前对大流行提出的一些观点 |
| 435 | For people who have met on social media only as opposed to in real life, they ask, is it | 对于在社交媒体上见过面的人 而不是现实生活中的人 他们问 是不是 |
| 436 | possible to have a strong virtual friendship? | 可能有一个强大的虚拟友谊? |
| 437 | How important is in-person connection or getting together in real life? | 人际联系或现实生活中的聚会有多重要? |
| 438 | Yeah, so this is such a nuanced question in some ways, right? | 是啊,所以这是一个如此细微的问题 在某些方面,对不对? |
| 439 | Because it's such a both and. | 因为它是这样的一个同时和。 |
| 440 | We know from the research that in-person connections tend to be stronger than virtual | 我们从研究中知道 人际联系往往比虚拟关系强 |
| 441 | connections, right? | 连接,对不对? |
| 442 | But I think that that research, it doesn't account for certain communities, like people | 但我认为这种研究 并不代表某些社区 比如人们 |
| 443 | with disabilities, people with severe social anxiety, even older people that aren't as | 社会严重焦虑的人 甚至老人 |
| 444 | mobile who tend to find connections online. | 通常在网上找到连接的移动。 |
| 445 | And even though, you know, the online connections tend to not be as deep as in-person, | 虽然,你知道, 在线连接 往往不是那么深入的人, |
| 446 | they can get deep if you're practicing the same skills that you could practice in offline | 如果你在下线练习同样的技能 他们就能深入 |
| 447 | connection to establish deeper relationships. | 建立更深层次的关系 |
| 448 | So for example, like the research finds that if you're just passively scrolling on social | 例如,研究发现 如果你只是被动地滚动社会 |
| 449 | media, doom scrolling, it makes you more lonely. | 媒体,末日滚动, 它让你更孤独。 |
| 450 | It negatively impacts your mental health and well-being. | 它对你的精神健康和福祉产生了负面影响。 |
| 451 | But if you are engaging actively on social media, I'm posting, I'm commenting on something | 但是如果你在社交媒体上很活跃, 我发帖,我评论的东西 |
| 452 | that you shared, I'm saying congratulations to you. | 我向你表示祝贺 |
| 453 | That's actually linked to less loneliness and is something that actually makes us feel | 这其实是和少孤独有关 并且是真正让我们感到 |
| 454 | more satisfied in our relationship. | 我们的关系更满意 |
| 455 | So if we want to have deep virtual connections, it's certainly possible, but we have to bring | 所以,如果我们想有深 虚拟连接,这是肯定可能的, 但我们必须带来 |
| 456 | those same principles that we use in offline connections to create more intimacy, like | 同样的原理,我们使用 在离线连接 创造更多的亲密,如 |
| 457 | things like being vulnerable with someone, being generous with them, or showing affection | 比如和别人一起脆弱 对他们慷慨大方 或表现出感情 |
| 458 | towards them. | 向着他们。 |
| 459 | That also works online. | 这也可以在网上使用。 |
| 460 | They feel like they like one another more. | 他们觉得他们更喜欢彼此 |
| 461 | But when you're vulnerable with someone who's avoidantly attached, that doesn't necessarily | 但是当你与一个 避免附身的人处于弱势, 那并不一定 |
| 462 | happen. | 发生。 |
| 463 | The avoidantly attached person doesn't like you more because you're vulnerable because | 被爱的人不喜欢你 因为你很脆弱 |
| 464 | they have their own wounds around vulnerability. | 他们有自己的伤口 围绕脆弱。 |
| 465 | They've learned that it's not good to be vulnerable. | 他们已经学会了 脆弱是不好的。 |
| 466 | I shouldn't be vulnerable. | 我不应该脆弱。 |
| 467 | That's the implicit message that they have that really inhibits their ability to connect. | 这就是他们拥有的隐含信息 真正抑制了他们连接的能力。 |
| 468 | So what the implications of this, I think, is that if you're vulnerable and it doesn't | 所以,我认为,这意味着 如果你是脆弱的,它不 |
| 469 | go well and it wasn't from a place of fear, remember that it's not always your fault, | 说得好,不是来自恐惧之地 记住这并不总是你的错 |
| 470 | that other people have their own issues that they're dealing with, which may lead them | 其他人有他们自己的问题 他们正在处理, 这可能导致他们 |
| 471 | to respond to your vulnerability negatively. | 对你的脆弱性做出负面反应。 |
| 472 | And that doesn't mean that you did anything wrong. | 这并不意味着你做错什么了 |
| 473 | I mean, I think if you continue to try to be vulnerable with this person who's shown | 我的意思是,我认为如果你继续尝试 脆弱的人谁显示 |
| 474 | you that they can't handle it, then I think you should try to pivot, right? | 你,他们不能处理它, 那么我想你应该尝试 支点,对不对? |
| 475 | But just because someone responded dismissingly to your vulnerability, it might mean that | 但只是因为有人对你的脆弱性不屑一顾 这可能意味着 |
| 476 | they have their own issues to work out. | 他们有自己的问题要解决。 |
| 477 | Well, I think in sort of thinking about how to make friendships work well or to be really | 我想,在某种程度上 思考如何使友谊 良好工作或真正 |
| 478 | good at the process of doing this, there's a popular excerpt from your book that you | 擅长做这个过程, 有一个流行的摘录 从你的书 |
| 479 | shared in The Atlantic where you talked about the concept of super friends. | 分享在大西洋 你谈到超级朋友的概念。 |
| 480 | So what makes someone a super friend and how can we all strive to be super friends? | 那么,是什么使一个人 一个超级朋友,我们如何能够 努力成为超级朋友? |
| 481 | Yeah, secure friends, aka super friends. | 是的,安全的朋友,超级朋友。 |
| 482 | These people are secure with themselves, which means that they don't have to try to | 这些人对自己很安全 这意味着他们不必试图 |
| 483 | use other people as a tool to fulfill their sense of self or to help them escape threatening | 利用他人作为工具 实现自我意识 或帮助他们逃脱威胁 |
| 484 | emotions or feelings. | 情感或感觉 |
| 485 | So they're able to really humanize other people fully. | 因此,他们能够真正人性化其他人。 |
| 486 | And the research on securely attached people find, and again, these are the people that | 和研究 安全附着的人发现, 再次,这些人是 |
| 487 | have a history of healthy relationships, but there's also earned secure, which means | 有健康关系的历史, 但也有挣得安全, 这意味着 |
| 488 | you might not have had a history of healthy relationships, but you've done the work on | 你可能没有 健康关系的历史, 但你已经做了的工作 |
| 489 | yourself to develop a sense of security, right? | 培养安全感,对不对? |
| 490 | So remember, nobody's doomed by their attachment style. | 记住,没有人会被他们的附身风格所迷惑 |
| 491 | But what qualities do we see in them? | 但我们从中看到了什么品质? |
| 492 | They're more likely to initiate friendships. | 他们更有可能发起友谊. |
| 493 | They're more likely to maintain friendships. | 他们更有可能保持友谊. |
| 494 | They're less likely to dissolve friendships. | 他们不太可能解除友谊 |
| 495 | They're more generous towards other people because, again, they fully humanize other | 他们对其他人更慷慨 因为,他们再次完全人性化 |
| 496 | insecurely attached people. | 缺乏安全感的人。 |
| 497 | They sometimes perceive other people through the lens of their own wounds, right? | 他们有时会从自己伤口的镜头里 看见其他人,对吧? |
| 498 | {\fn黑体\fs22\bord1\shad0\3aHBE\4aH00\fscx67\fscy66\2cHFFFFFF\3cH808080}你需要向我证明 {\fn黑体\fs22\bord1\shad0\3aHBE\4aH00\fscx67\fscy66\2cHFFFFFF\3cH808080}你很珍惜我 | |
| 499 | you love me because I'm so afraid that you're going to abandon me and then I can try to | 你爱我是因为我怕你会抛弃我 然后我可以试着 |
| 500 | control you and make you do this, this and this to show me that you really, really love | 控制你,让你做这个,这个,这个 给我看你真的,真的爱 |
| 501 | me, right? | 我,对不对? |
| 502 | And so they're not fully humanizing another person because they're almost seeing that | 所以他们并没有完全人性化另一个人 因为他们几乎看到 |
| 503 | person as a tool to fulfill their sense of self. | 作为实现自我意识的工具 |
| 504 | Avoidantly attached people, they just think everybody's out to harm them and that everybody | 他们只以为每个人都想伤害他们 而每个人都想伤害他们 |
| 505 | is sort of untrustworthy. | 有点不可信 |
| 506 | So they almost see other people as threats. | 所以他们几乎把其他人视为威胁。 |
| 507 | So they don't fully humanize them, people for their beauty and the sort of resources | 所以他们不完全人性化 他们的美丽和资源 |
| 508 | that connecting with another person can bring you. | 和另一个人联系可以带来你 |
| 509 | But these securely attached people, they tend to assume other people like them. | 但是,这些牢靠的人, 他们倾向于假设其他人 像他们一样。 |
| 510 | I talked about something called pronoia, which is the opposite of paranoia. | 我谈论了一种叫"空想"的东西,它与妄想相反. |
| 511 | It's the idea that, you know, the universe is commiserating for your success and for | 宇宙正在为你们的成功和... |
| 512 | your well-being and that you can trust people. | 让你能信任别人 |
| 513 | They're comfortable with vulnerability. | 他们很自在 |
| 514 | They're more empathic. | 他们比较有同情心 |
| 515 | They're comfortable sharing their needs, but also fulfilling the needs of other people. | 他们很自在地分享他们的需要,但也满足了其他人的需要. |
| 516 | They're more responsive to the needs of other people. | 他们更能回应他人的需求. |
| 517 | When they engage in conflict, it's all about perspective taking. | 当他们卷入冲突时, 问题就在于取景。 |
| 518 | They're not like, you do this and otherwise I'm going to be pissed off. | 他们不喜欢你这么做 否则我会生气的 |
| 519 | They're like, these are my needs. | 他们喜欢,这是我的需要。 |
| 520 | What are your needs? | 有什么需要吗? |
| 521 | Let's figure out a way to collaborate and figure out something that will work for both | 让我们想出一个方法 合作和找出一些东西 会为双方工作 |
| 522 | of us. | 我们。 |
| 523 | So they tend to be quite healing friends. | 因此,他们倾向于相当治愈的朋友。 |
| 524 | They tend to be, I talked about avoidant being low effort, low reward. | 他们往往,我说避免 低努力,低赏。 |
| 525 | Anxious is high effort, low reward. | 愤怒是高努力,低赏。 |
| 526 | Secure is high effort, high reward when it comes to friendship. | 安全是高努力度,高回报度的友谊。 |
| 527 | And then what about friendships that where there's not necessarily a difference in value, | 那么友谊呢 在价值不一定不同的地方 |
| 528 | but maybe a distance, whether that's a physical distance has been created or some sort of | 但也许有一段距离, 不管是物理距离还是某种 |
| 529 | emotional distance because your life has changed in some way. | 感情上的距离 是因为你的生活有些变化 |
| 530 | How do you suggest people go about maintaining and nurturing those types of relationships? | 你建议人们如何维持和培育这些类型的关系? |
| 531 | So there's research on long distance friends that finds that we are helped when we perceive | 因此,有研究 长距离朋友发现 当我们发现 |
| 532 | our friendships as flexible, not fragile. | 我们的友谊是灵活的,而不是脆弱的。 |
| 533 | So when we perceive that, oh, I haven't talked to this person in a few months, I'm going | 所以,当我们意识到, 哦,我已经几个月没有和这个人说话了,我要去 |
| 534 | to assume that friendship's asleep, not that it's dead so that I can reconvene this friendship | 假设友谊是睡着了, 而不是说它死了,这样我才能重开友谊 |
| 535 | at any time, right? | 任何时候,对不对? |
| 536 | So it's being able to recognize that our friendships ebb and flow. | 因此,它能够认识到, 我们的友谊 消失和流动。 |
| 537 | And when we're at an ebb, that doesn't mean, okay, I'm never going to contact this person | 当我们在ebb, 这并不意味着, 好吧,我永远不会去联系这个人 |
| 538 | again because the friendship is officially over, right? | 又因为友谊正式结束了,对吧? |
| 539 | We assume that this ebb is part of the normal process to flow again. | 我们假设,这个ebb是正常过程的一部分,以便再次流动。 |
| 540 | So that facilitates us being able to reengage in the friendship at any time. | 因此,这有利于我们在任何时候恢复友谊。 |
| 541 | So Whitney, basically this all goes back to, I really think this tip, right? | 所以惠特尼,基本上这一切都会回到, 我真的觉得这个提示,对不对? |
| 542 | It's such an all-encompassing tip, right? | 这是一个如此包罗万象的小费,对不对? |
| 543 | Because what I'm basically telling you is to assume people like you, right? | 因为我基本上告诉你的 是假设像你这样的人,对不对? |
| 544 | You don't talk to your friend a while, assume that they're still interested in being friends | 你暂时不跟你朋友说话 假设他们还有兴趣成为朋友 |
| 545 | with you. | 和你们一起 |
| 546 | Again, this isn't about being delusional. | 再说一遍,这不是妄想症 |
| 547 | If someone's clearly indicating that they're not interested in a friendship with you, then | 如果有人明确表示 他们不感兴趣 与你的友谊,那么 |
| 548 | move on. | 继续前进 |
| 549 | But if it's ambiguous and you're like, I'm not really sure, we haven't talked for a while, | 但是,如果这模棱两可,而你喜欢, 我不确定,我们有一段时间没有说话, |
| 550 | but they haven't necessarily rejected me or they still are responsive when I reach out | 但他们未必拒绝我 或他们仍然响应 当我伸出援手 |
| 551 | to them, you want to make that your running assumption in response to ambiguity because, | 对他们来说,你想做出这样的假设 针对模糊,因为, |
| 552 | again, having that assumption really facilitates continued connection. | 同样,如果有这种假设,确实有助于继续连接。 |
| 553 | So I think that's it for this video. | 所以我想这段视频就够了。 |
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