二十二年约会建议浓缩十一分钟：幸福婚姻的真相
字幕摘录
| 时间 | 英文 | 中文 |
|---|---|---|
| 0:00 | From 2008 to 2013, I was a professional dating and relationships coach, | 从2008年到2013年,我是一个职业约会和关系教练, |
| 0:04 | I happened to write one of the best selling dating advice books ever written, | 我碰巧写了一本最好的约会建议书 |
| 0:08 | and oh, that's right, I've been married for 10 years, very happily. | 哦,对了,我结婚十年了 非常幸福 |
| 0:13 | Here's everything I know about dating advice summarized in the next tense. | 我对约会建议所了解的 都总结在接下来的时段 |
| 0:16 | Number one, if it's not a fuck yes, then it is a no. | 第一,如果它不是他妈的是, 那么它是一个不。 |
| 0:20 | So much time and energy is wasted in ambiguity and uncertainty. | 如此多的时间和精力在模糊和不确定中被浪费. |
| 0:23 | We spend so much of our energy | 我们花了很多精力 |
| 0:25 | trying to convince somebody who doesn't like us to like us, or trying to convince ourselves | 试图说服一个不喜欢我们的人 喜欢我们,或者试图说服自己 |
| 0:29 | to like somebody that we don't actually like. | 喜欢我们不喜欢的人 |
| 0:32 | The truth is, is that our time and energy is | 事实是,我们的时间和精力是 |
展开字幕全文（207 条）
| 序号 | 英文 | 中文 |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | From 2008 to 2013, I was a professional dating and relationships coach, | 从2008年到2013年,我是一个职业约会和关系教练, |
| 2 | I happened to write one of the best selling dating advice books ever written, | 我碰巧写了一本最好的约会建议书 |
| 3 | and oh, that's right, I've been married for 10 years, very happily. | 哦,对了,我结婚十年了 非常幸福 |
| 4 | Here's everything I know about dating advice summarized in the next tense. | 我对约会建议所了解的 都总结在接下来的时段 |
| 5 | Number one, if it's not a fuck yes, then it is a no. | 第一,如果它不是他妈的是, 那么它是一个不。 |
| 6 | So much time and energy is wasted in ambiguity and uncertainty. | 如此多的时间和精力在模糊和不确定中被浪费. |
| 7 | We spend so much of our energy | 我们花了很多精力 |
| 8 | trying to convince somebody who doesn't like us to like us, or trying to convince ourselves | 试图说服一个不喜欢我们的人 喜欢我们,或者试图说服自己 |
| 9 | to like somebody that we don't actually like. | 喜欢我们不喜欢的人 |
| 10 | The truth is, is that our time and energy is | 事实是,我们的时间和精力是 |
| 11 | better spent trying to find somebody that you both feel fuck yes about each other, | 最好花点时间 找一个你们都觉得彼此是好的人 |
| 12 | rather than trying to convince yourself or them to feel fuck yes in the first place. | 而不是试图说服自己或他们 感觉他妈的是的第一。 |
| 13 | In my opinion, in 2026, dating is largely a time management issue, | 我认为,2026年,约会 基本上是一个时间管理问题, |
| 14 | and fuck yes or no is one of the most useful tools to manage that time. | 和他妈的是或否 是管理那个时间最有用的工具之一。 |
| 15 | Number two, when you hide your personality, you are inviting high maintenance relationships | 第二,当你隐藏你的个性, 你邀请高维护关系 |
| 16 | into your life. | 进入你的生活。 |
| 17 | When you pretend to be somebody else, sure, you might get a little bit more | 当你假装别人, 当然, 你可能会得到一点点更多 |
| 18 | attraction, a little bit more of a spark on the first or second date, but you're setting yourself | 吸引人,在第一次或第二次约会时多点火花,但你正在准备自己 |
| 19 | up for failure in the long run, because you're essentially attracting somebody to things that | 从长远来看,因为你根本就是在吸引别人 |
| 20 | don't actually exist. | 并不存在。 |
| 21 | And so down the road, when they discover that those things don't exist, | 所以在路上,当他们发现 那些东西不存在, |
| 22 | you're going to have to start managing expectations and doing a lot of damage control. | 你将不得不开始管理预期 并做很多损害控制。 |
| 23 | People are attracted to our strengths, but they connect to our weaknesses. | 人们被我们的优势所吸引,但他们与我们的弱点相关联。 |
| 24 | It's actually our | 其实是我们的 |
| 25 | abilities that drive most of the intimacy in a relationship in most of the chemistry. | 在大多数化学中 驱动关系上大多数亲密关系的能力 |
| 26 | So the more | 越多越好 越多越多 |
| 27 | you hide yourself, the more superficial the relationship becomes. | 你隐藏自己, 越肤浅的关系变成。 |
| 28 | Number three, intimacy | 第三,亲密关系 |
| 29 | is directly proportional to how much each person is willing to allow themselves to be hurt. | 和每个人愿意伤害自己的程度成正比 |
| 30 | The | 那个 |
| 31 | more you protect yourself, the more you hide yourself, the more superficial the relationship | 你越是保护自己 越是隐藏自己 越是肤浅的关系 |
| 32 | becomes. | 变成。 |
| 33 | The more you just end up with this blah thing going on, you're kind of into each other, | 你越是把事情搞砸 你们就喜欢对方了 |
| 34 | but it's more just like you have nothing better going on. | 但更像是你没有更好的进展 |
| 35 | And that's the gray zone that like | 这就是灰色地带喜欢 |
| 36 | good relationship emerges. | 良好的关系出现了。 |
| 37 | Counterintuitively, the more vulnerable you're willing to be with people, | 直觉上 你越想和别人在一起 |
| 38 | the more surface area you give them to connect with you. | 你给他们的表面积越大 就能与你联系 |
| 39 | Also the more surface area you give them | 还有你给他们的面积越大 |
| 40 | to reject you. | 拒绝你。 |
| 41 | There's a proportionality between your ability to connect intimately with others | 你和别人紧密联系的能力是相称的 |
| 42 | and your ability to be rejected by them as well. | 还有你被他们拒绝的能力 |
| 43 | My tip, get good at tolerating the rejection. | 我的小费,要善于容忍拒绝 |
| 44 | Number four, your dating life is a reflection of your lifestyle. | 第四,你的约会生活 反映了你的生活方式。 |
| 45 | Improve your lifestyle, | 改善你的生活方式, |
| 46 | improve your dating prospects. | 改善你的约会前景。 |
| 47 | If you keep dating the wrong person over and over again, | 如果你不断和错人约会 |
| 48 | it's probably because you're looking in the wrong places and hanging out in the wrong areas. | 可能是因为你找错地方了 找错地方了 |
| 49 | The | 那个 |
| 50 | best way to improve your dating prospects is to improve the life in which you're meeting those | 改善你约会前景的最好办法 就是改善你遇到这些 |
| 51 | prospects. | 前景。 |
| 52 | Number five, what you tolerate is what continues. | 第五,你容忍的是继续 |
| 53 | Unconsciously, you teach people how to | 无意中,你教别人如何 |
| 54 | treat you. | 请你 |
| 55 | So if you tolerate a certain amount of disrespect, then you will invite that disrespect | 所以,如果你容忍某种程度的不尊重, 那你会邀请这种不尊重 |
| 56 | into your relationships, and it will become a defining feature of the relationships. | 进入你们的关系, 它将成为关系的一个决定性特征。 |
| 57 | In this | 在这 |
| 58 | our relationships tend to be a reflection of the relationship with ourselves. | 我们的关系往往反映了我们之间的关系。 |
| 59 | If I don't feel like | 如果我不觉得 |
| 60 | I deserve to be respected, then that is going to be reflected in the relationships that I allow | 我应该得到尊重,然后这将会反映在 我允许的关系 |
| 61 | into my life and the way that people treat me in those relationships. | 进入我的生活 和人们对待我的方式 在这些关系中。 |
| 62 | Number six, attraction cannot | 6号,不能吸引 |
| 63 | be negotiated. | 谈判。 |
| 64 | You cannot argue, impress, or trick somebody into wanting you if they don't want you. | 你不能争吵,打动, 或欺骗某人想要你,如果他们不想你。 |
| 65 | The moment you're building a case for yourself is the moment that you've lost the case. | 你为自己立案的那一刻 就是你败诉的时刻 |
| 66 | The more | 越来越多 |
| 67 | you try to coax attraction into somebody, the more unattractive you become. | 你试图吸引别人, 你变得越无吸引力。 |
| 68 | Number seven, | 7号 |
| 69 | a good relationship should periodically make you feel uncomfortable. | 良好的关系应该定期 让你觉得不舒服。 |
| 70 | Early on when you meet somebody | 早点见面 |
| 71 | that you really like, everything's going to feel great. | 你真的喜欢, 一切都会感觉很好。 |
| 72 | Everything's exciting. | 一切都很激动 |
| 73 | Everything's going | 一切都会过去的 |
| 74 | {\fn黑体\fs22\bord1\shad0\3aHBE\4aH00\fscx67\fscy66\2cHFFFFFF\3cH808080}会很顺利 | |
| 75 | It's going to feel easy. | 将觉易. |
| 76 | It's going to be a fuck yes. | 它会是一个他妈的是的。 |
| 77 | But the real test | 但真正的考验 |
| 78 | of whether the relationship is going to make it or not is the first fight. | 关系能否发展是第一次 |
| 79 | If you can fight well, | 如果你能打得好的话 |
| 80 | it means you can go far. | 这意味着你可以走远。 |
| 81 | And by fight well, I mean, can you maintain respect in the face of | 通过战斗,我的意思是, 你能保持尊重面对 |
| 82 | conflict? | 冲突? |
| 83 | Can you communicate well without taking personal jabs at each other? | 你们能好好交流吗? |
| 84 | And can you repair | 你能修复吗? |
| 85 | well and forgive well after the fight? | 和原谅在战斗后? |
| 86 | Number eight, the happier you are alone, the better | 八号,你一个人越开心越好 |
| 87 | your relationships with others will become. | 你和别人的关系会变成这样 |
| 88 | Every healthy relationship is between two people who | 每个健康的关系 是在两个人之间 |
| 89 | have healthy relationships with themselves. | 与自己有健康的关系。 |
| 90 | Every toxic relationship is between two people who have | 每一个有毒的关系都是在两个人之间 |
| 91 | toxic relationships with themselves and are using the other person to compensate for their own | 与自己有毒的关系,利用他人补偿自己 |
| 92 | comings. | 来了 |
| 93 | Number nine, chemistry will get you into a relationship, but compatibility will keep you | 第九,化学会让你进入一种关系, 但兼容性会让你保持 |
| 94 | there. | 这里 |
| 95 | Early on, everything is about feelings, how you feel around each other, the romance, | 早期,一切都是关于感情, 你们的感受, 浪漫, |
| 96 | the sparks, the sex, all the fun and excitement. | 火花,性, 所有乐趣和兴奋。 |
| 97 | That's great. | 赞曰. |
| 98 | Don't get me wrong, but it's not | 不要误会,但这不是 |
| 99 | an accurate indicator of how long the relationship is going to last. | 一个精确的指数 关系将持续多久。 |
| 100 | Ultimately, the indication of | 最终,表示 |
| 101 | how long the relationship is going to last is all of the boring resume stuff. | 这段感情要持续多久 都是无聊的简历 |
| 102 | Do you share values | 您是否分享数值 |
| 103 | with each other? | 彼此之间? |
| 104 | Are your worldviews aligned? | 你们的世界观一致了吗? |
| 105 | Do you have similar goals to one another? | 你们有相似的目标吗? |
| 106 | Do you | 你会吗? |
| 107 | relate to each other? | 彼此之间? |
| 108 | Do you have shared interests or hobbies? | 你们有共同利益或爱好吗? |
| 109 | People tend to overrate romance and | 人们往往过于浪漫和 |
| 110 | our culture has misled us about the utility of romance. | 我们的文化误导了我们 关于浪漫的效用。 |
| 111 | Romance just opens the door to intimacy. | 浪漫只是打开了亲密的大门。 |
| 112 | It just lubricates the intimacy, makes it a little bit easier, removes the friction of the intimacy, | 它只是润滑的亲密关系, 让它稍微容易一点, 消除了亲密的摩擦, |
| 113 | if you know what I mean. | 你知道我的意思吗? |
| 114 | But it doesn't guarantee the intimacy is going to last. | 但这并不能保证亲密关系会持续下去. |
| 115 | You have to | 你必须 |
| 116 | do the work to guarantee the intimacy is going to last. | 努力保证亲密关系会持续下去 |
| 117 | The lube does not last forever. | 润滑油不会永远存在 |
| 118 | Number 10, keeping your options open is its own form of a trap. | 10号,保持您的选项打开是它自己的陷阱形式. |
| 119 | In this day and age, | 在这个时代, |
| 120 | there's a real paradox of choice around dating and that anybody you choose to commit to or spend | 约会上的选择 和任何你选择承诺或花费的人 |
| 121 | your time with, you are essentially turning down hundreds, if not thousands of other potential | 与你的时间,你基本上 拒绝了数百,甚至数千其他潜力 |
| 122 | options. | 选项。 |
| 123 | But maintaining that optionality is itself a trap. | 但保持这种选择性本身就是一个陷阱。 |
| 124 | And the trap can keep you addicted | 陷阱可以让你上瘾 |
| 125 | to the excitement of always meeting somebody new while allowing you to avoid the difficult | 总是和新人见面 让你避免困难 |
| 126 | vulnerability required to actually commit to somebody. | 实际对某人做出承诺时需要的脆弱性。 |
| 127 | Number 11, it is impossible for somebody | 11号,一个人不可能 |
| 128 | who destroys your mental health to be the love of your life. | 他们破坏你的精神健康 成为你的爱人。 |
| 129 | Intensity is not the same thing as | 强度与 |
| 130 | intimacy. | 亲近. |
| 131 | Drama is not the same thing as depth and love is not enough. | 戏剧与深度不同,爱情是不够的. |
| 132 | Number 12, neediness kills | 12号,需要死亡 |
| 133 | attraction. | 风景。 |
| 134 | I define neediness in my book as prioritizing other people's thoughts and opinions | 我在我的书里把需要定义为 优先考虑别人的思想和意见 |
| 135 | of you over your own thoughts and opinions of you. | 你们自己的想法和意见。 |
| 136 | The way this manifests is cleanliness, bragging, | 这个表征的方式是清洁,吹嘘, |
| 137 | playing games, manipulation, power struggles, all sorts of things. | 玩游戏 操纵 权力斗争 各种各样的事情 |
| 138 | Basically everything that makes | 基本上所有的东西 |
| 139 | a relationship and dating suck is rooted in a sense of neediness. | 恋情和约会是根植于需要感。 |
| 140 | It's in needing to control | 这需要控制 |
| 141 | other people's opinions and perceptions of you rather than being confident in your opinions and | 其他人对你的看法和看法 而不是对你的看法和看法有信心 |
| 142 | perceptions of yourself. | 对你自己的看法。 |
| 143 | Number 13, the quality of your love depends on the quality of your | 13号,你的爱的质量取决于你的质量 |
| 144 | attention. | 注意点 |
| 145 | Love is not a feeling that you have about somebody. | 爱情并不是你对某人的感觉 |
| 146 | It is attention that you pay them | 你要注意他们 |
| 147 | and it is action that you put out towards them. | 这是你们对他们采取的行动。 |
| 148 | John Gottman, who's the preeminent researcher around | 约翰・高特曼,谁是杰出的研究员 |
| 149 | love and relationships, found that the couples who stay together over a long period of time, | 爱情和感情 发现长期在一起的夫妇 |
| 150 | it's not the couples who fight the least. | 争斗最少的不是夫妻 |
| 151 | It's the couples who respond to each other's bids for | 是夫妻们互相响应对方的求婚 |
| 152 | attention and affection. | 关注和爱意。 |
| 153 | If too many bids for attention and affection go unacknowledged or | 如果太多的吸引关注和爱意的投标 不被承认或 |
| 154 | ignored, then the couple drifts apart. | 被忽略了,然后夫妇就分开了。 |
| 155 | Number 14, everybody wants a great relationship, | 14号,每个人都想有一个伟大的关系, |
| 156 | but nobody wants to be a great partner. | 但没人想成为一个伟大的伙伴。 |
| 157 | It's because being a great partner is hard. | 因为做一个伟大的伙伴很难 |
| 158 | It requires | 这需要 |
| 159 | sitting with a lot of uncomfortable emotions. | 坐在很多不舒服的情绪。 |
| 160 | It requires showing up for things that like you're | 这需要出现的东西 像你一样 |
| 161 | not actually really excited to show up for. | 并没有真正兴奋的出现。 |
| 162 | It requires being supportive in situations that are | 它要求在出现这种情况时给予支持。 |
| 163 | really hard to be supportive. | 很难支持你 |
| 164 | It means learning how to communicate your own thoughts and feelings | 意思是学习如何沟通自己的思想和感情 |
| 165 | well. | 不错 |
| 166 | It means being able to sit with your own insecurities and open up to somebody who could | 意思是能够和你自己的不安全感坐在一起 向一个可以 |
| 167 | hurt you really terribly. | 伤害你真的很严重。 |
| 168 | But ultimately, if you want a certain kind of relationship, | 但归根结底 如果你想要某种关系 |
| 169 | you have to become the type of person who has that relationship. | 你必须成为那种有这种关系的人 |
| 170 | Number 15, the best relationships | 15号,最好的关系 |
| 171 | are between two people who need nothing but want to give everything. | 两个人之间,他们什么都不需要,却想付出一切。 |
| 172 | Ultimately, you should always | 最终,你应该永远 |
| 173 | feel self-sufficient as a human being that even if everything went wrong and your relationship ended, | 觉得作为一个人,自给自足 即使一切都出了问题 和你的关系结束了, |
| 174 | you would ultimately be okay and still live a good life. | 你终究会好起来的 过着美好的生活 |
| 175 | A relationship requires two healthy | 一个关系需要两个健康的 |
| 176 | individuals, and therefore to be a healthy individual, you need to feel as though you don't | 个人,因此,作为一个健康的个人, 你需要感觉 像你没有 |
| 177 | need the relationship to survive. | 需要关系 生存。 |
| 178 | That said, you should want to give everything to your relationship | 也就是说,你应该把一切 给自己的关系 |
| 179 | simply because your relationship is one of the most satisfying and meaningful things in your life. | 只是因为你们的关系 是你们生活中最满意和有意义的事情之一 |
| 180 | It's one of the most profound things you can continue to invest your attention and time into. | 这是你能继续把注意力和时间投入到 最深刻的事情之一。 |
| 181 | Number 16, the most powerful form of love is giving somebody the permission to be who they already are. | 16号,最强大的爱形式 是允许某人 成为他们已经是。 |
| 182 | Many of us fall in love with somebody's potential, but we miss the person who's right in front of us. | 我们很多人爱上了某人的潜能 但我们想念眼前的人 |
| 183 | Make sure you're in love with the person right in front of you. | 确保你爱上你面前的人 |
| 184 | Number 17, a great partner makes | 17号 很棒的搭档 |
| 185 | everything else in life easier. | 生活中其他的都比较容易 |
| 186 | A bad partner makes everything else harder. | 一个坏伙伴让其他事情变得更困难 |
| 187 | Your career, your health, | 你的事业 健康 |
| 188 | your money decisions, your sanity, all of these things get run through the prism of your intimate | 你的金钱决定,你的理智, 所有这些事情都通过 你亲密的棱镜运行 |
| 189 | relationship, and if your partner is additive to your life, they will be additive to all these | 如果你的伴侣对你的生活添加了添加剂, 他们将会添加到所有这些。 |
| 190 | other areas. | 其他领域。 |
| 191 | They will make you better in all these other areas, and if they are a drain, | 他们会让你在所有这些领域都好起来, 如果它们是一个排水沟, |
| 192 | then they're going to be a drain on all these other areas. | 然后它们将成为所有这些其他地区的排水口。 |
| 193 | Warren Buffett was once asked what | 沃伦·巴菲特曾经被问到什么 |
| 194 | the most important investment each person makes in their life, and he answered, who you choose to marry. | 每个人一生中最重要的投资, 他回答,你选择娶谁。 |
| 195 | Number 18, you attract people at the level of your self-worth, not at the level of your desire. | 18号,你吸引人们 在你的自我价值层面, 不是在你的欲望层面。 |
| 196 | You don't necessarily get the relationships that you want, you get the relationships that you | 你不一定得到你想要的关系 你得到的是你 |
| 197 | deserve. | 应得. |
| 198 | If you want to be with better people, you need to be better yourself. | 如果你想和更好的人在一起,你需要更好的自己。 |
| 199 | There's no hack, | 没有黑客 |
| 200 | there's no script, there's no work around, there's no trick to convince somebody who has their shit | 没有剧本,没有工作周围,没有诡计来说服有狗屎的人 |
| 201 | together more than you do to want to be with you. | 在一起比你想和你在一起还多 |
| 202 | If you want to be with somebody great, you need to | 如果你想跟一个伟大的人在一起 你需要 |
| 203 | be somebody great. | 做一个伟大的人。 |
| 204 | Number 19, love is not finding the perfect person, it's choosing to see what's | 十九号 爱情不是找到完美的人 而是选择看什么 |
| 205 | good and beautiful in an imperfect one. | 完美而美丽 |
| 206 | That's a cute one to end on. | 结局真可爱 |
| 207 | Oh guys, oh guys, that's so | 伙计们,哦,伙计们,这是如此 |
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