告别社恐，冥想真的可以重塑性格｜科学的工具和刻意练习

告别社恐，冥想真的可以重塑性格｜科学的工具和刻意练习

发布于 2026-11-04 · 时长 1:24:01

字幕摘录

时间	英文	中文
0:00	People think that you were born with your personality	人们以为你天生就是个性
0:02	and you're just stuck with it,	你只是坚持它,
0:03	but just because you've always been a certain way	但只是因为你一直 是一个特定的方式
0:05	doesn't mean you have to stay that way.	这并不意味着你必须保持这种方式。
0:07	Olga Hazan.	奥尔加·哈赞.
0:08	The author of Me But Better.	"我不过更好"的作者.
0:10	The science and promise of personality change.	科学与承诺的人格变化.
0:14	Can an introvert actually become an extrovert	一个内向者真的会变成外向者吗?
0:17	if they want to?	如果他们想的话?
0:18	Rather than permanently changing,	而不是永久改变,

展开字幕全文（2000 条）

序号	英文	中文
1	People think that you were born with your personality	人们以为你天生就是个性
2	and you're just stuck with it,	你只是坚持它,
3	but just because you've always been a certain way	但只是因为你一直 是一个特定的方式
4	doesn't mean you have to stay that way.	这并不意味着你必须保持这种方式。
5	Olga Hazan.	奥尔加·哈赞.
6	The author of Me But Better.	"我不过更好"的作者.
7	The science and promise of personality change.	科学与承诺的人格变化.
8	Can an introvert actually become an extrovert	一个内向者真的会变成外向者吗?
9	if they want to?	如果他们想的话?
10	Rather than permanently changing,	而不是永久改变,
11	learn the ability to try on this personality trait.	学会如何尝试这种个性特征
12	Put on extroversion.	设为外道.
13	Is there an age at which it's impossible	是否有一个年龄是不可能
14	to change our personality?	改变我们的个性?
15	Some people change more after they're 30.	有些人在30岁后会变的更多.
16	Different choices that we make	我们做出不同的选择
17	can change us throughout our lives.	能改变我们一生
18	What's the difference between changing our habits	改变习惯有什么区别?
19	and changing our personality traits?	改变我们的个性特征?
20	So you can actually fake it until you make it.	这样你就可以假装它,直到你成功。
21	Once you do your habits often enough,	一旦你习惯得够多了
22	they will become part of your personality	他们会成为你人格的一部分
23	and it won't feel fake anymore.	它不会觉得 假了。
24	It'll feel like it's part of your identity.	会觉得这是你身份的一部分
25	How does this apply to people who are diagnosed	这如何适用于确诊者?
26	with depression or ADHD?	抑郁症还是ADHD?
27	Can they also change or is that very different?	它们会改变还是会改变?
28	There's actually been this push in psychology	心理学确实有这种推力
29	to identify the personality traits	以识别人格特征
30	that are associated with things like depression and ADHD	与抑郁症和ADHD有关
31	and actually has gone head to head with Lexapro,	和莱克萨普罗一起走
32	the antidepressant, and it works just as well.	抗抑郁药也一样有效
33	The number one health and wellness podcast.	头号健康 健康播客。
34	Jay Shetty.	杰伊·谢蒂.
35	He won.	他赢了
36	Olga, I wanted to dive straight in	奥尔加 我想直接潜进去
37	and the first thing I wanted to ask you is,	我想问你的第一件事是,
38	if someone listens to this episode,	如果有人听这集
39	if someone reads your book,	如果有人读你的书,
40	what are you hoping they can change and shift in their life?	你希望他们改变和改变生活?
41	What are you hoping for them?	你对他们有什么期望?
42	I hope that they realize that whatever is kind of wrong	我希望他们知道 不管是什么错
43	in their life or not working for them currently,	在他们生命中,或为他们工作,
44	that they can change that no matter what age they are	他们可以改变,无论年龄如何
45	or where they live or what kind of job they have.	或者他们住在哪里 或者他们有什么样的工作。
46	If they feel like they don't have enough community support,	如果他们觉得自己没有足够的社区支持
47	they don't have enough friends,	他们没有足够的朋友,
48	that they can go out and make those friends.	他们可以出去交朋友
49	If they feel like their progression in their career	如果他们觉得自己在事业中进步
50	is being blocked by an inability to publicly speak	因无法公开发言而受阻
51	or connect with large audiences,	或与广大观众联系,
52	that they can learn those skills.	他们可以学习这些技能。
53	If they feel kind of disorganized	如果他们觉得有些混乱
54	or like they can't really get motivated,	或像他们不能真正得到动机,
55	that they can learn organizational skills	他们可以学习组织技能
56	and make that happen for themselves.	并让自己做到这一点。
57	So it's really just whatever your goals are	所以,这是真的 只是无论你的目标
58	and that you're able to align your traits	而且你能够调整你的特质
59	and your behaviors with your goals.	以及你的行为与你的目标。
60	I love that.	我喜欢
61	I mean, that sounds like something we all need	我的意思是,这听起来像的东西 我们都需要
62	and applies to each and every one of us.	并适用于我们每一个人。
63	How did you discover this to be a block?	你怎么发现这是个街区?
64	Like when did you recognize that this was a block for people	你什么时候意识到这里是人们的街区
65	and what was that block that you were facing	你面对的那个街区是什么
66	and trying to solve?	并试图解决?
67	It was really just that I was very unhappy	我真的很不高兴
68	and there was no particular reason for it.	而且没有特别的理由。
69	So it wasn't like, oh, if this just gets resolved,	所以,它不是像,哦, 如果这得到解决,
70	I'll be happy again.	将复欢喜.
71	I kind of start my book with this anecdote	我从这个故事开始我的书
72	about being in Miami in December,	关于12月在迈阿密,
73	a beautiful time to be in Miami.	在迈阿密的美好时光
74	The weather is unimpeachable,	天气无可挑剔
75	cannot be improved upon staying in this great place,	留在这个伟大的地方是无法改善的,
76	having a great work-life balance.	工作与生活保持良好的平衡
77	Things with my partner were good.	和我的搭档相处得很好
78	It was before we had our baby, so we weren't tired.	那是在我们生孩子之前 所以我们不累
79	But I just had this day	但我刚刚有了这一天
80	where I had all these like minor frustrations.	在那里,我得到了所有这些 像小挫折。
81	I got a really bad haircut and I got stuck in traffic	我发型很糟,交通堵塞
82	and I got some photos taken of me	我拍到一些照片 拍到了我的照片 拍到了我的照片
83	that I wasn't crazy about.	我没疯
84	I was just like, I hate these photos	我只是喜欢, 我讨厌这些照片
85	and I knew they were gonna be released widely.	我知道他们会被广泛释放
86	I had this like frustrating incident at a grocery store	我在一家杂货店 遇到这样令人沮丧的事件
87	and I get back to our Airbnb where we're staying	我回到我们住的地方
88	and I just kind of have a meltdown	我只是有点崩溃了
89	and I kind of feel just broadly unhappy with everything.	我对一切都感到很不高兴
90	I immediately turned to alcohol,	我立刻转向酒精
91	which is what I would do at the time to manage my emotions.	我当时会这么做 来控制我的情绪
92	And I was just sort of so frustrated.	我只是有点沮丧。
93	And then even like a few minutes later,	几分钟后
94	I kind of thought, hey, why is this all getting to me?	我想,嘿,为什么这一切 得到我吗?
95	Like if you look at anything about the situation,	碞钩狦硂ㄇ薄猵
96	I'm in this beautiful setting.	我在这美丽的环境。
97	Nothing is really wrong.	没什么大不了的
98	I didn't get in a car accident	我没有发生车祸
99	or I wasn't even late for anything.	或者我没迟到
100	I didn't get fired from my job.	我没被开除工作
101	My hair, whatever, goes back.	我的头发,不管什么, 回去。
102	I kind of realized that so often,	我意识到,如此频繁,
103	minor frustrations would really add up to me	轻小的挫折感真的会让我觉得
104	because of my high level of this trait called neuroticism,	由于我高度的这个特征 叫做神经病,
105	which is kind of associated with depression and anxiety.	和忧郁和焦虑有关
106	And so I kind of would get in these negative spirals	所以我会进入这些负螺旋
107	where I would kind of add up these small things,	在那里,我会有点加 这些小东西,
108	these small negative events	这些小的负面事件
109	and let them kind of ruin my whole day or my whole week	让他们毁了我一整天或整个星期
110	or start this narrative where my life is so bad.	或者在我的生活如此糟糕的地方开始叙述
111	I can never be happy	我永远不会快乐
112	because these small frustrations happen to me.	因为这些小挫折感 发生在我身上。
113	And I decided to kind of try to change that	我决定尝试改变
114	because you're never gonna have a life	因为你永远不会有生命
115	without small frustrations.	没有小挫折感。
116	Like nothing is ever gonna go perfectly.	就像什么也不会完美无缺
117	So the only way to be happy	所以只有这样才能快乐
118	is to be able to be happy despite that.	能够快乐,尽管如此。
119	How did that link to personality?	这跟个性有什么关系?
120	There was some interesting research coming out	有一些有趣的研究出来了
121	that people can actually change their personality traits.	人们可以改变他们的个性特征
122	And when they do change their personality traits,	当他们改变他们的个性特征时,
123	they actually become happier, healthier,	他们实际上变得更快乐,更健康,
124	whatever it is that that trait is correlated with,	不管这个特征与什么相关
125	it can really kind of increase	这真的可以增加
126	all these positive elements of their lives.	他们生活中的所有这些积极因素。
127	And so we think of personality	所以我们想到个性
128	as something that we're just kind of stuck with.	我们只是被困住了
129	Like I am this kind of person	就像我是这种人
130	and this is what I will always do.	这就是我会永远做的。
131	I'm the kind of person who will always get frustrated	我是那种总是很沮丧的人
132	by small inconveniences,	以轻微的不便,
133	but really we have the ability to change	但我们真的有改变的能力
134	the way we respond to situations.	我们如何应对局势。
135	We have the ability to change our behaviors,	我们有能力改变我们的行为
136	even our kind of typical thought patterns.	甚至我们这种典型的思想模式。
137	And really by changing those consistently,	通过不断改变这些
138	we have the ability to change personality.	我们有能力改变个性
139	So that's kind of when I was like,	所以,这就是那种 当我是这样,
140	maybe I should try a version of this for myself.	也许我应该试试这个版本
141	What is personality?	什么是个性?
142	Like how do you define it?	你如何定义它?
143	Because I feel like it gets thrown around	因为我感觉好像被扔了
144	and then it gets mixed with so many different words.	然后它与 这么多不同的词。
145	How do you define it?	你怎么定义它?
146	Yeah, a lot of people are like,	是啊,很多人喜欢,
147	oh, is it like the kind of jokes you tell	哦,这是那种笑话 你告诉
148	or whether you're kind of loud and boisterous.	或者你是不是有点吵闹
149	Those are all kind of elements of personality.	这些都是人格的元素
150	The way that personality scientists define it	人格科学家如何定义它
151	is the thoughts, feelings and behaviors	是思想、感情和行为
152	that come most naturally to you.	这是你最自然的。
153	So something happens,	所以发生了一些事情
154	someone honks at you at a red light or something.	有人在红灯下对你鸣喇叭
155	Do you flip them off?	你把它们扔了?
156	Do you wave at them?	你向他们挥手吗?
157	Cause you're really good natured.	因为你很善良
158	Do you meditate to yourself?	你沉思自己吗?
159	That kind of shows your personality.	那种表现你的个性
160	And the researcher that I follow the most for this book,	我最了解这本书的研究员
161	Nathan Hudson, who has done a lot of the research	内森·哈德森,他做了很多研究
162	on personality change,	关于人格改变,
163	he actually adds another element to that,	他实际上增加了另一个因素,
164	which is that personality helps you get what you want.	这就是个性帮助你得到你想要的
165	So personality is how we go about pursuing our goals.	所以人格是我们如何追求我们的目标。
166	Agreeableness, which is another personality trait	同意,这是另一个人格特征
167	can help you make more friends.	可以帮你交更多的朋友
168	It can attract people to you.	能引众生于汝.
169	It can kind of make you one of those people	可以让你成为其中之一
170	who has like a huge bridal party at your wedding.	在你的婚礼上,她喜欢狂欢
171	Conscientiousness can help you get up earlier,	良心可以帮助你早起,
172	get more done during the day,	白天多做点
173	get promotions at work and things like that,	升职之类的事
174	if that's what you're into.	如果这就是你喜欢的。
175	So kind of on top of being this like reflex and habit,	有点像反射和习惯
176	it's also a way that we pursue what we want out of life.	这也是我们从生活中追求想要的东西的方法.
177	Why do you think all of us feel so stuck in who we are	你为什么认为我们所有人都觉得 被困在自己是谁
178	and start to believe things like,	并开始相信诸如,
179	I'm just not a funny person.	我只是不是一个有趣的人。
180	I'm just a disorganized person.	我只是个无组织的人
181	I'm just a negative person.	我只是个消极的人
182	Why do we get so stuck?	为什么我们被卡住了?
183	I think it's because we've been told for a long time	我想是因为我们早就被告知了
184	that personality is permanent	个性是永久的
185	and that we just are a certain way.	而我们只是某种方式。
186	I think some of this comes from the fact	我想有些是来自事实
187	that personality is partly genetic.	人格是遗传性的
188	So you think that if something is genetic, it's inherited,	所以,你认为如果东西是遗传的,它是遗传的,
189	you're gonna be just like your parents.	你会跟你父母一样
190	What are your parents like?	你父母长什么样?
191	They're like this and that.	他们就是这样的
192	You're gonna be a combo of that.	你会是一个组合。
193	It doesn't really work that way.	它真的不工作 这样。
194	We do, obviously personality is like everything,	很明显 性格就像一切
195	partly genetic, but that means that it's kind of	部分遗传,但这意味着它是一种
196	a combination of different genes,	不同基因的结合,
197	the environment that you're in,	你所处环境
198	and also your own decisions and your own actions	以及你自己的决定和行为
199	and what you choose to do can shape your personality.	你选择做什么 就能塑造你的个性
200	But I think for a long time,	但我觉得很长一段时间,
201	the way scientists have talked about it,	科学家谈论它的方式,
202	it sort of did feel like a death sentence,	有点像死刑
203	kind of like you're gonna be this way forever.	就像你会永远这样
204	You know, the famous William James quote,	你知道,著名的威廉・詹姆斯引言,
205	personality is set like plaster after the age of 30.	性格设定为30岁后像石膏.
206	And so, especially after 30,	所以,特别是30后,
207	people think that they're stuck being a certain way.	人们认为他们被困在 某种方式。
208	But really the more recent psychological literature	但实际上最近的心理文献
209	has shown that people actually change both naturally,	已经表明人们实际上 改变两者 自然,
210	just like without really trying to,	就像没有真正尝试,
211	they kind of change over time.	它们会随着时间而改变
212	And people can also change over shorter periods of time	人们也可以在较短的时间内改变
213	by taking concerted effort.	采取一致努力。
214	Do we know how much personality is nature versus nature?	我们知不知道自然与自然的个性是多少?
215	It depends on the trait and kind of the person,	这取决于人的特征和类型,
216	but it's about 40 to 60% heritable.	但它大约是40%到60%的草本植物。
217	And I wanna caveat that heavily.	我想提醒你这一点
218	So that means it's, let's say, let's call it half,	因此,这意味着,让我们说,让我们把它一半,
219	comes from your genes.	来自于你的基因。
220	But if you think about it,	但是如果你考虑一下
221	you're not like your parents' twin, right?	你不像你父母的双胞胎 对吧?
222	So your genes, you get genes from them,	所以,你的基因, 你从他们的基因,
223	but they kind of get combined in these unexpected ways,	但他们却以这些出乎意料的方式组合在一起
224	and they might manifest in different ways	他们或许是各行各业的,
225	depending on the environment that you grew up,	取决于你成长的环境
226	the environment that you live in now,	你所生活的环境,
227	what kind of job you have.	你有什么样的工作。
228	And so it's really this gene environment interaction	所以这是真正的基因环境相互作用
229	that creates a lot of unpredictability	造成许多不可预测性
230	in how your personality is gonna manifest.	你的个性会如何表现
231	Just because you know that you have something genetically	只是因为你知道 你有某种基因
232	doesn't mean that you're kind of doomed to be that way	也不代表你注定会这样
233	or that it's definitely going to turn out a certain way.	或者它肯定会变成某种方式。
234	Is there an age from which we can't change our personality?	是否有一个时代,我们不能改变我们的个性?
235	You just gave that example of that old quote	你刚才举了那个老例子
236	about the idea of 30 and it's set in plaster.	关于30的构思 并设置在石膏。
237	Is there an age at which it's impossible	是否有一个年龄是不可能
238	to change our personality?	改变我们的个性?
239	So there have been studies that show	所以有研究显示
240	that some people change more after they're 30 than before.	有些人在30岁后变的比以前多
241	So most people change a lot during their teen years,	所以大多数人在十几岁的时候都变了很多
242	and especially during their early 20s.	尤其是在20多岁的时候
243	So that's a time of very rapid change.	因此,这是一个非常迅速变化的时代。
244	A lot of people kind of become a version of who they'll be	很多人会成为他们未来的版本
245	for a part of their life during that time.	在他们生命中的一部分。
246	Both in my interviews with people	都在我的采访中
247	and in just the scientific literature,	在科学文献中
248	people kind of change throughout their lives	人们一生中的变化
249	across all the traits.	跨越所有特质
250	Different life events can change us, different social roles,	不同的生活事件可以改变我们 不同的社会角色
251	different goals that we have,	我们有不同的目标,
252	and different kind of choices that we make	以及我们做出的不同选择
253	can change us throughout our lives.	能改变我们一生
254	I like how everything you mentioned are things	我喜欢你提到的一切
255	that people want to change for themselves,	人们想为自己改变,
256	but not changing for people.	但不会为人们改变
257	Yeah, so that's been a big misconception about this topic	是啊,所以这是一个很大的误解 关于这个话题
258	is people are like,	人们喜欢,
259	well, I don't want to change my personality	我不想改变我的个性
260	to please anyone.	以取悦任何人。
261	Don't do that.	别这样
262	Don't change your personality to please anyone.	不要改变你的个性来取悦任何人.
263	That's definitely not my message.	这绝对不是我的信息。
264	I think you should change your personality	我想你应该改变你的个性
265	to please yourself and to get what you want out of life,	取悦自己 得到你想要的生活,
266	not to please other people.	不取悦别人。
267	So yeah, that's a key distinction.	所以,这是一个关键区别。
268	Yeah, and how do we even go about knowing	是啊,我们怎么才能知道
269	how we have to change our personality?	我们怎样才能改变人格?
270	Because I think when you really believe,	因为我认为当你真正相信,
271	it's almost like living in a city.	就像住在一个城市
272	So it's like, let's say I was talking to someone yesterday	这么说吧,我昨天和别人谈过了
273	and they said, I have lived in this town for 31 years	他们说,我在这镇上住了31年
274	and I'm about to move to a bigger city	我要搬到一个更大的城市去
275	and I'm scared and nervous.	我害怕和紧张。
276	That's almost what it feels like	感觉就像
277	when you're changing your personality	当你改变你的个性
278	because you're like, I have lived in this body and this mind	因为你喜欢,我一直 生活在这个身体和这个思想
279	and this personality for 31 years.	31年来的性格
280	I don't even know which other city I want to live in.	我甚至不知道我想住在哪个城市
281	I don't even know which other personality I need	我甚至不知道我还需要哪个人格
282	or want.	要么想要,要么想要,要么想要,要么想要,
283	How do you even unearth and uncover	如何揭开和揭开
284	how you may want to change your personality	你想怎样改变你的个性
285	and what the right trait is?	正确的特征是什么?
286	So there's kind of the dorky scientific way	所以有种愚蠢的科学方法
287	and then there's sort of less scientific,	然后就有点不太科学了
288	like woo-woo ways that might even work better.	像宇宇的方式,甚至可能工作更好。
289	So the scientific way is,	所以科学的方法是,
290	there's a big five personality test.	有五大个性测试.
291	It'll measure where you fall	它会测量你掉在哪里
292	along the five personality traits.	5个个性特征
293	So it'll tell you,	它会告诉你
294	kind of compared to everyone else on earth,	和地球上所有的人相比,
295	you are much less extroverted than other people.	你比别人更不夸张
296	So you're very low on extroversion.	所以,你非常低 外向论。
297	And so you might look at that score and think to yourself,	这样你就可以看看这个分数 然后自己想
298	I'd like to change that.	我想改变这一点。
299	I'd like to be more outgoing.	我更想离开
300	I'd like to make new friends,	我想交个新朋友
301	whatever it is to do with extroversion that you want.	随其所欲而为外道.
302	And so then you can go about pursuing that goal.	这样你就可以继续追求这个目标。
303	What I think you could also do is just like,	我认为你也可以做的是,
304	think about your values	想想你的价值观
305	and think about what it is you want out of life.	想想你想从生活中得到什么
306	Like a lot of people say	就像很多人说的
307	they don't want to become more extroverted.	他们不想变得更外向。
308	And I kind of think that's fine	我觉得这很好
309	if that's not a value that you have.	如果你没有这个价值的话
310	But I've also talked to a lot of people who are like,	但我也和很多人谈过
311	look, I want to get a job as a manager at work.	听着,我想找份工作做经理
312	I don't want to be rank and file forever.	我不想永远成为官兵
313	I want to grow in my career.	欲于事业增长.
314	And that requires a certain amount of extroversion.	这需要一定的外向。
315	Like to lead people, to speak persuasively,	喜欢带领人们, 说有说服力,
316	even just to manage people,	即使只是管理别人,
317	requires you to have extroversion skills.	需要你具备外向技能。
318	So if you think about that as a value for yourself,	所以,如果你考虑 作为价值自己,
319	you could start to consider	你可以开始考虑
320	whether extroversion might be a trait	外向是否是一个特征
321	that you want to work on.	你想继续工作。
322	Another way that I did this personally	另一种我亲自这么做的方式
323	is that I kind of looked at the people in my life	就是说,我看着人们在我的生活中
324	that I was jealous of.	我嫉妒这个
325	So I have a friend who's very good at making friends.	我有个朋友很擅长交朋友
326	Like she just is a huge people person	就像她是个大人物
327	and people love her and are drawn to her.	人们爱她 被她吸引
328	And she could move to a new city and make 10 friends	她可以搬到一个新城市 交10个朋友
329	and be having dinner with them that night.	晚上和他们一起吃晚饭
330	And I was really jealous of that.	我真的很嫉妒这一点。
331	I was like, I kind of want that skill.	и稱и稱璶ê贺
332	Like I was actually like texting her,	就像我其实就像发短信给她,
333	like, how do you do that?	喜欢,你怎么做?
334	And so you could just look at your life	这样你就能看看你的生活
335	that, you know, the people who do things	那些,你知道, 做事情的人
336	that you're kind of like, ooh, that's cool.	你有点像,哦,这很酷。
337	Like, I kind of want to do that.	喜欢,我有点想这样做。
338	Cause that'll tell you the personality traits	因为那样会告诉你个性
339	that matter to you.	这对你很重要。
340	Yeah, I've always talked about	是啊,我总是说
341	how you can transform envy into study.	如何把嫉妒变成学习
342	And that's kind of how I've been my whole life.	这就是我的一生
343	Anytime I've looked at someone and admired them,	每当我看着某人并欣赏他们
344	or liked something that they have,	或喜欢的东西,
345	whether it's a trait, a skill, an ability,	无论是特质,技能,能力,
346	I'm like, how did you get that?	我很喜欢,你怎么得到的?
347	Right?	对吧?
348	And it's that idea.	这是这个想法。
349	But it's interesting, I've always been wired that way.	但有趣的是,我一直被窃听
350	So that's always been my natural,	所以这一直是我的自然,
351	kind of when you were saying your thoughts	当你说出你的想法时
352	that you naturally had,	你当然有,
353	that's kind of how it naturally always been.	这是自然而然的
354	If I find something impressive,	如果我找到令人印象深刻的东西
355	I want to know how to do it and how to build it	我想知道怎样做和怎样建造
356	and how to grow it,	和如何生长它,
357	as opposed to feeling like they're special	而不是觉得他们很特别
358	and I can't have that, if that makes sense.	我不能有,如果这有道理。
359	What about those of us who just feel	我们当中那些感觉
360	what people should like me for the way I am?	人们应该喜欢我吗?
361	If I can't make friends as being authentically me,	如果我不能交朋友成为真正的我
362	and the word authentic now	和现在的正字
363	has become this big buzzword and trend.	成为了这个大词和趋势。
364	So how does that fit into that idea	那么,这如何融入这个想法
365	of well, people should love to hang out with you	好吧,人们应该爱 挂出与你
366	just the way you are.	就像你这样
367	You shouldn't have to be extrovert like your friend.	你不应该像你的朋友那样外向
368	Are you being inauthentic by changing your personality?	你改变你的个性是非正经的吗?
369	I mean, the truth is,	我的意思是,事实是,
370	is that no one is ever authentically themselves 100%, right?	没有人是真正的自己 100%,对不对?
371	That could be kind of off-putting	可能有点不切实际
372	if you just said everything that came to your mind	如果你只是说 所有你的想法
373	without any kind of filter,	没有任何过滤器,
374	or like, I think there was like a movie once	或像,我想有 像电影曾经
375	where it's like someone just said	就像有人刚才说的
376	whatever they were thinking and it like,	无论他们在想什么,它喜欢,
377	people were very offended,	人们非常生气
378	because we actually do have a filter	因为我们确实有过滤器
379	between ourselves and other people	我们和其他人之间
380	because we know that people kind of don't want	因为我们知道人们 不喜欢
381	that completely raw spur of the mind thoughts	彻底激发了思想
382	that come to us.	来到我们身边。
383	So that's one thing is that one,	也就是说,
384	you're probably already filtering yourself	你可能已经过滤自己了
385	at least a little bit.	至少一点点。
386	Maybe you're doing it in a kind way	也许你是在做一个善良的方式
387	where if a friend is in a bad relationship,	如果朋友关系不好
388	you don't necessarily wanna be like,	你不一定想成为这样,
389	yeah, keep dating that guy,	是啊,继续约会那家伙,
390	but you might say like, hey,	但你可能会说,嘿,
391	have you thought about what you're getting out of this?	你有没有想过你会得到什么?
392	But you might not just launch into a rant	但你可能不会只是发射到一个怒吼
393	about how that person sucks, right?	关于他有多烂,对不对?
394	You find ways of saying things that appeal to people.	你找到方法 说的东西 吸引人。
395	The other thing is that like,	另一件事是,喜欢,
396	how do you know what your authentic self is?	你怎么知道你真正的自我是怎样的?
397	How do you know?	你怎么会知道?
398	Yeah, well, that's what I'm saying is like,	是啊,好吧,这就是我的意思是,
399	I don't know that we have necessarily a genuine,	我不知道,我们有 一个必然的真实,
400	consistent, authentic self	一致、真实的自我
401	that we need to preserve at all costs.	我们必须不惜一切代价保持下去。
402	I think that a lot of times our emotions	我觉得很多时候我们的情绪
403	are kind of fleeting.	这是一种短暂的。
404	And if you say something one day,	如果你有一天说些什么
405	you might not say it again the same way the next day,	你可能不会在第二天那样说
406	or if you feel something about something one day,	或者,如果你觉得某天的东西,
407	you might not feel that same way the next week.	下周你可能感觉不一样
408	So, which one of those is authentic?	那么,哪一个是真实的?
409	Are you exactly the same as you were in college?	你和大学时一样吗?
410	If not, are you faking it?	如果不是,你在装吗?
411	Like, you know what I mean?	喜欢,你知道我的意思吗?
412	We all kind of change and shift over time	我们都随时间而变化和转变
413	and depending on the situation.	视情况而定
414	I don't necessarily think there's anything wrong with that.	我未必觉得这有什么不对劲
415	I think that's called growth.	我想这就是所谓的成长。
416	Yeah, it's weird how we're fascinated by this addiction	是啊,这很奇怪 我们怎么迷上了这个瘾
417	to authenticity right now.	真实的现在。
418	When I agree with you,	我同意你的话
419	I think authenticity is you showing up in different ways	我认为你真实性不同
420	at different time with different people	在不同的时间 与不同的人
421	because you can't possibly be the same person with everyone	因为你不可能和大家是同一个人
422	and you're not going to expose your full self	你不会暴露你的全部自我
423	to everyone at all times.	随时向所有人致敬
424	It's just not a natural thing to do.	岂非自然之事.
425	But it's weird that we have this guise	但奇怪的是,我们有这种伪装
426	of authenticity that seems to be clouding our ability	真实性似乎在模糊我们的能力
427	to grow when actually probably the most authentic thing	长大的时候,也许最真实的东西
428	we can do as humans is to grow.	我们可以像人类一样成长
429	Yeah, exactly.	没错
430	And to choose to change.	和选择改变。
431	Yeah, and I don't know, I just think that-	是啊,我不知道,我只是觉得...
432	That's what survival is, right?	这就是生存,对不对?
433	Yeah, no one is going to call you out for,	是啊,没有人会叫你出来,
434	I don't know, trying new things or trying new skills	我不知道,尝试新事物 或者尝试新技能
435	or trying new traits.	或尝试新的特质。
436	I think that that can also be a part of authenticity.	我认为这也是真实性的一部分。
437	Anything that you do for the first time	你第一次做的任何事
438	is gonna feel a little inauthentic.	感觉有点不真实
439	That's the interesting part,	这是有趣的部分,
440	is that we had Vin Jiang on recently	我们最近有文江
441	who's a communication expert and public speaking expert.	他是一个交流专家 和公开演讲专家。
442	And he was saying that we change how we dress	他说我们改变我们的服装
443	and we don't think that's inauthentic,	而且我们不认为那是不正确的,
444	but then we don't change the way we speak.	但我们不会改变我们说话的方式
445	He was saying that our communication style	他说我们的交流风格
446	remains exactly the same our whole life.	我们的一生都一样
447	So if we're monotonous and boring	所以,如果我们单调和无聊
448	and we just think that's who we are,	而我们只是认为 我们是谁,
449	but the reality is that we are changing	但现实是我们在改变
450	other parts of ourself.	我们自己的其他部分。
451	And you're right, when you try a new hairstyle,	你说得对 当你尝试一种新的发型时
452	it feels a little uncomfortable for the first week.	第一个星期感觉有点不舒服
453	When you try a new pair of shoes or a new fit of clothing,	当你尝试一双新鞋或新衣服,
454	it feels a bit uncomfortable and that's not inauthentic.	感觉有点不舒服 而且这并非不真实
455	It's you trying to change your style or what fits you.	是你试图改变你的风格 或者什么适合你。
456	And we can do the same with our personality.	我们的个性也一样
457	What are the gender effects on personality?	性别对人格有何影响?
458	Women tend to be more conscientious in some ways,	在某些方面,妇女往往更加自觉,
459	more agreeable and also much more neurotic.	更令人欣慰 也更神经质
460	Neuroticism is like highly associated with being female.	神经病就像与女性高度相关
461	If someone wants to be more extroverted,	如果有人想更夸张
462	what do they do every day?	他们每天做什么?
463	What do they need to change?	他们需要改变什么?
464	All you have to do is talk to people.	你只需要和别人说话
465	When you don't want to?	你不愿意的时候?
466	Yes.	对
467	How does this work apply to people in relationships	这项工作如何适用于关系中的人?
468	where they want their partner to change	他们希望伴侣改变
469	and you'll hear someone go, I just see their potential.	你会听到有人走了,我只看到他们的潜力。
470	I know who they could be.	我知道他们是谁
471	They could really get it together,	他们真的可以凑合起来的
472	but they don't see it in themselves.	但他们自己看不到
473	Yeah.	对
474	If someone's thinking that way,	如果有人这样想
475	how would you encourage them to think about change?	你会如何鼓励他们考虑改变?
476	I really wish I had written a chapter of this book	我真希望我写了这本书的一章
477	called How to Change Your Partner	如何改变你的搭档
478	because every single interviewer has asked me that question	因为每个采访者都问我这个问题
479	and I don't really have a good answer	我也没有一个好答案
480	because we haven't really studied	因为我们没有真正学习
481	how to change other people.	如何改变别人。
482	What's the difference between changing our habits	改变习惯有什么区别?
483	and changing our personality traits?	改变我们的个性特征?
484	How do they connect or do they?	它们是怎样联系还是怎样联系的?
485	This is a huge debate within psychology.	这是心理学中一个巨大的争论。
486	I will try to give the not super nerdy version of it.	我会尝试给它 并非超级书呆子版本。
487	So some psychologists think that habits	所以,一些心理学家认为习惯
488	basically become personality traits after a period of time.	基本成为个性特征 经过一段时间。
489	So if it's your habit to do something	所以,如果这是你的习惯 做一些事情
490	and you do it consistently for years,	你总是这样做,
491	okay, you're now, this is your personality.	好吧,你现在,这是你的个性。
492	Some psychologists think that there's also an element	一些心理学家认为,还有一个因素
493	of like thought behind that where if you do something	就像你背后的想法 如果你做点什么
494	and you really like to do it,	你真的喜欢这样做,
495	you kind of start to incorporate it into your personality.	你开始把它融入你的人格。
496	You start to kind of make it part of your identity.	你开始把它变成你身份的一部分了
497	This is like people who become runners	这就像人们成为跑者
498	and then they like kind of identify as runners	然后他们喜欢那种身份 跑者
499	and they're like, as a runner,	他们就像,作为一个跑者,
500	and they're like running marathons.	他们就像跑马拉松。
501	That's sort of like more part of their personality	这有点像他们的个性的一部分
502	is like exercising a ton and being really,	就像是锻炼了一吨 并且真的,
503	we would say conscientious about running	我们要说自觉地跑
504	more so than someone who just like kind of mindlessly	比那些喜欢无意识的人还重要
505	takes a jog every day	每天都要慢跑 慢跑 慢跑
506	and they don't really think too much about it.	他们不怎么想
507	It's a gray area between those two poles.	这两根杆之间的灰色区域.
508	Like I didn't used to be very conscientious,	就像我以前不太认真一样
509	but I am now and I can't tell you exactly	但我现在不能告诉你
510	when the switch happened from me just making a ton	当开关发生的时候,我只做了一吨
511	of to-do lists and like leaving early for everything	包含待办事宜列表, 并喜欢提前离开所有事宜
512	and like being like, remember this, remember this,	就像,记住这个,记住这个,
513	to like now me just doing it naturally.	喜欢现在,我只是做它自然。
514	To me, it makes sense that our habits somewhat lean	对我来说,我们习惯有点倾向是有道理的
515	into our personality because a repetitive action	进入我们的人格 因为重复的行动
516	or a consistent action feels like it becomes normality	或一贯的动作 感觉它变得正常
517	and then once it becomes normality.	然后一旦它变得正常。
518	But I appreciate the distinction between,	但是,我很感激 区别,
519	for example, a habit I have is to brush my teeth	例如,我有一个习惯是刷牙
520	twice a day, but I don't identify as a brush of teeth.	每天两次 但我不认为是牙刷
521	It's something I do, but it's not an identity.	这是我做的事情,但它不是一个身份。
522	So I noticed that nuance,	所以我注意到这个细微的,
523	whereas I play pickleball three to four times a week	我每周三到四次打泡菜球
524	and I consider myself to be a pickler.	而我认为自己是个扒手
525	That idea is there's an identity associated with that.	这个想法是有一个身份 与此相关。
526	And I guess that's what you're saying is the difference	我猜这就是你说的区别
527	between personality and habit.	在人格和习惯之间
528	Yeah, you incorporate it into yourself a little bit more.	是啊,你把它融入自己 一点点。
529	I have one example, which is public speaking	我有一个例子,那就是公开演讲
530	as part of my job, like speaking at events,	作为我工作的一部分 就像在事件上说话
531	moderating events, doing stuff like this.	调节事件, 做这样的事情。
532	And when I first started many years ago,	当我开始很多年前,
533	I was not good at it.	我不擅长它。
534	I was kind of painfully just like really shy.	我有点痛苦 就像真的害羞。
535	It made me really uncomfortable to do things like this.	做这种事让我很不舒服
536	And I kind of just brute forced,	我有点野蛮强迫,
537	kind of tried to get better at it.	那种尝试得到更好的。
538	And I worked super hard and it did become a habit.	我非常努力地工作,这确实成为一种习惯。
539	I did, I had to do a ton of these events	我做了,我不得不做很多这样的事
540	and like we were always having them,	就像我们总是有他们,
541	especially before COVID.	特别是在COVID之前。
542	And I kind of felt like eventually	我有一种感觉 像最终
543	I now really don't think about it.	我现在真的不考虑它。
544	Like I kind of, like if an event is coming up	就像我,如果一个事件即将到来
545	and I have to moderate something,	我不得不温和一些东西,
546	I'm like, oh, okay, what time do I need to be there?	我像,哦,好吧, 我需要什么时候在那里?
547	It's not even a process of like psyching myself up	这甚至不是一个过程 像迷惑我自己
548	or oh gosh, I'm so nervous.	或者我太紧张了
549	Even my physiological responses are not the same.	甚至我的生理反应也不一样
550	Like I don't get like sweaty palms and kind of jittery	就像我不喜欢发汗的手掌和烦躁
551	and stuff like that.	和类似的东西。
552	So I don't know, like is being extroverted in that way,	所以,我不知道,像是 被外推的方式,
553	I guess it's part of my personality now	我猜这是我个性的一部分了
554	because I kind of reflexively do it.	因为我有点反射。
555	But in that intervening time,	但在那个时候
556	it was definitely like, I'm not extroverted.	这绝对是像,我没有被排斥。
557	I'm trying really hard to be	我努力地尝试成为
558	and I'm building this habit so that I can be.	我建立这种习惯是为了让我可以。
559	Yeah, my experience is exactly the same.	是啊,我的经验完全一样。
560	I was so shy growing up as a kid.	我小时候很害羞
561	My parents forced me to go to public speaking drama school	我父母逼我上公立戏剧学校
562	from age 11 to 18.	从11岁到18岁
563	And I took exams in public speaking.	我在公开演讲时参加了考试
564	I was trained nine hours a week for seven years,	我每周九小时训练七年
565	eight years of my life.	我生命的八岁
566	And it transformed my ability	它改变了我的能力
567	to stand up in front of a room.	站在一个房间前。
568	I've now been public speaking since I was 11.	我从11岁就开始公开演讲了
569	I'm 37 now, so it's what, 26 years of experience.	我现在37岁了 所以26年的经验
570	So you could ask me to give a talk on any subject	所以,你可以让我 谈任何话题
571	in three minutes and I'd feel comfortable.	三分钟后,我会觉得舒服。
572	Granted, the subject would have to be something I'm aware of,	允许的话,这个话题必须是我知道的
573	not something out of my expertise,	不是我专业的
574	but it would feel comfortable and easy and I'd feel calm.	但它会感到舒适和轻松 而我会感到冷静。
575	If you asked me to do that when I was 11,	如果你让我在11岁的时候这么做
576	that would not be the case.	情况并非如此。
577	And if you asked me to do that at 21,	如果你要求我在21岁的时候这么做
578	I would have had the skills,	我本该有这种技能的
579	but I wouldn't have had the passion to talk about things.	但我不会有激情 谈论的事情。
580	And so I had to find what I was passionate about.	所以我不得不找到我对什么充满激情。
581	But I fully believe that people aren't just born with skills,	但我完全相信 人不只是天生有技能
582	that we notice them.	我们注意到他们。
583	And I think we've created this myth in society	我认为我们创造了这个社会神话
584	where people are just magical or special or gifted.	在那里,人们只是魔法或特殊或天赋。
585	And that actually does two things.	这实际上有两件事。
586	The first is it limits us from becoming those people	第一,它限制了我们成为这些人
587	or achieving those things.	或达到这些目的。
588	And the second thing is it actually discredits those people	第二件事是,它实际上诋毁了这些人
589	for the amount of work they're putting.	他们的工作量。
590	So when you look at the greatest athletes in the world,	所以当你看着世界上最伟大的运动员,
591	I had the fortune of interviewing Kobe Bryant	我有幸采访了神户布莱恩特
592	a few months before he passed.	几个月前就去世了
593	He was in the gym for twice as long as everyone else.	他在健身房的时间是其他人的两倍
594	That's what he said in his words.	其语中如是言.
595	So you could argue he was gifted and special	所以你可以说他很有天赋,很特别
596	and all those things, and I'm not saying he wasn't,	和所有这些事情, 我没有说他不是,
597	but he would say it was because he was in the gym	但他会说是因为他在健身房
598	for twice as long as everyone else.	比其他人长一倍
599	He was getting a four hour shift in the gym	他在健身房里换了四个小时的班
600	before anyone woke up.	在别人醒来之前
601	And that was the difference maker in his mind.	这就是他心中的差别。
602	When you look at Cristiano Ronaldo,	当你看着克里斯蒂亚诺·罗纳尔多
603	who's the biggest soccer player in the world,	他是世界上最大的足球运动员,
604	it's the same, anyone who's been in his vicinity will say,	这是相同的,任何人 谁曾经在他的附近会说,
605	well, he has a chef that's dialed in for his health	嗯,他有一个厨师 拨号为他的健康
606	and he has the best recovery program	他有最好的康复计划
607	and he has the best fitness and wellness expert.	他有一个最好的健身专家。
608	When you look at it through his head, it's all work.	当你从他头上看时,一切都是可行的.
609	Whereas when you look at it from the outside,	当你从外面看的时候,
610	you think it's magic and gifted, right?	你认为这是魔法和天赋,对不对?
611	And so I think we discredit that person's work ethic	所以我觉得我们抹黑这个人的工作道德
612	by saying it's magic and special	说这是魔法和特别的
613	and we actually steal the opportunity from ourselves	而我们却从自己身上偷机会
614	from saying I can't do that because I wasn't born with that.	因为我不是天生的
615	And so I hope everyone who's listening is	所以我希望所有倾听的人
616	having that recognition to say you can do it	有这种认识 说你可以做到这一点
617	and anyone that you admire is just put in the work,	你所敬佩的任何人 都只是被安置在工作,
618	whether it's public speaking like yourself	无论是公开发言 像你一样
619	or whether it's playing four hours of basketball	或者它是不是在打四个小时的篮球
620	more than the average person.	超过一般人。
621	Yeah, and that's a great example.	是啊,这是一个很好的例子。
622	And that is the same with personality change.	性格变化也是一样。
623	Anyone who has a skill or a trait that you admire	任何有你欣赏的技巧或特质的人
624	has probably put a lot of effort into that.	可能为此付出了很多努力。
625	How long does it take then to change a personality trait?	那么改变个性特征需要多长时间?
626	That's a good question and it really depends on the trait.	这是一个很好的问题 它真的取决于特征。
627	So I found with extraversion,	所以我发现外传,
628	extraversion was one of the traits that I wanted to increase.	外传是我想增加的特征之一。
629	I kind of felt socially isolated	我有点觉得社会孤立
630	and like I didn't just really know a lot of people	就像我并不只认识很多人
631	in my community and also just, especially after COVID,	在我的社区, 和刚刚,特别是COVID,
632	I was like, I kind of just don't talk to anyone.	我只是不跟任何人说话
633	I'm in my house all the time	我总是在我家
634	and even though it was safe to do so.	和即使它是安全的这样做。
635	So for that one, I noticed the changes really quickly.	因此,对于这个,我注意到 变化非常迅速。
636	Like I found that I went from a preference	就像我发现 我从一个偏好
637	待在我沙发上看Netflix
638	to a preference to get out there and talk to people,	更喜欢到那里去和人们交谈,
639	meet up with people,	和人们见面,
640	even if it's just in a surface level way.	即使只是表面水平
641	I found that change happened after like a couple of months,	我发现几个月后发生了改变
642	like maybe a month or two.	像也许一两个月。
643	With something more performative,	有了更能表现的东西
644	like I did improv classes as well,	就像我也上即兴表演课一样
645	that took several months for me to truly get comfortable	我花了几个月才真正安心
646	just because I'm not, as I said, a natural performer	只是因为我不是,就像我说的, 一个自然的表演者
647	and that gave me a lot of anxiety.	这让我很焦虑
648	So that one took a little bit longer.	所以那一个花了一点点时间。
649	With something like neuroticism,	神经病
650	which is depression and anxiety,	那是忧郁和忧愁,
651	it's something that can be really rooted in yourself.	这是真正植根于你自己的东西。
652	Like it's not purely behavioral, right?	像它不是纯粹的行为,对不对?
653	Like you can notice that someone is pretty calm seeming	就像你注意到有人看起来很平静
654	but they could be really anxious on the inside.	但他们可能很紧张
655	That can take a rather long time to change and to shift.	这需要相当长的时间才能改变和转变。
656	But it's possible.	但是这是可能的。
657	Yes.	对
658	So the studies that we have show like it's like a few months	所以,我们的研究显示 像几个月
659	of therapy can really create a significant change in neuroticism.	心理治疗真的能给神经病带来显著变化
660	What I did was like a meditation class	我所做的就像一个冥想课
661	that I think it lasted eight weeks or 12 weeks or something like that.	我认为它持续了8周或12周之类的。
662	What type of meditation?	什么样的冥想?
663	It was MBSR and it's just pure mindfulness meditation for dummies,	这是MBSR,它只是纯粹的意念 冥想哑弹,
664	nothing special to it.	没什么特别的
665	And that did work to decrease my neuroticism after,	这样做可以减少我的神经病 之后,
666	I think, like three months.	我想,大约三个月。
667	How?	怎么会?
668	What did it do?	它做了什麽?
669	I am still totally not sure what meditation specifically does in the mind.	我仍然完全不知道冥想在思想中的具体作用。
670	I will tell you what I think it did for me.	我会告诉你我认为它对我做了什么
671	So this meditation class was a combination of sitting silently	所以这个冥想课是静静坐的结合
672	for 45 minutes every day or some sort of other mindful activity	每天45分钟 或某种其他勤奋活动
673	like yoga or walking.	喜欢瑜伽或走路。
674	And once a week, our teacher would give like a presentation	我们的老师每周会做一个演讲
675	about a topic in Buddhism that is probably very,	佛教的一个话题 可能是非常,
676	obvious to all of your listeners.	很明显,你所有的听众。
677	Like it's something that probably they have heard of or have come across	好像他们听说过或见过的东西
678	or are aware of, right?	还是知道,对不对?
679	It was it was not super esoteric or like late breaking like Buddhist thoughts.	它不是超古典的 也不是像佛教思想一样迟到
680	It was it was very kind of simple.	很简单
681	And I sort of was like the whole time I was like,	我就像我一直以来一样
682	is this really doing anything?	这真的有什么用吗?
683	Like, I kind of already know about all this Buddhist stuff.	喜欢,我已经知道 这些佛教的东西。
684	I've come across it in my research.	我在研究中见过
685	And this meditation is just really boring.	这种冥想太无聊了
686	You know, is this what is this working?	你知道,这是什么 这是工作?
687	And it did work.	它确实起作用了。
688	Especially my depression score went down considerably	特别是我的抑郁症得分大幅下降
689	throughout the course of this class.	整个班级
690	Is that a self score or is it a?	那是自我得分还是自我得分?
691	So all of these are self scores.	所以所有这些都是自我评分。
692	There's really not a way to measure personality outside of self assessment.	在自我评价之外真的没有衡量个性的方法.
693	I would recommend for if people really want to get super accurate scores,	我建议如果人们真的想得到 超准确的分数
694	just do the tests a lot frequently,	只是经常做测试,
695	because then you'll kind of get a sense of like where you're falling	因为那样你就会感觉自己跌倒了
696	and it won't be like a random fluke result.	它不会像一个随机故障的结果。
697	But they're all self scores.	但它们都是自我得分.
698	But mine went down from the 94th percentile to the 39th percentile,	但我从94%下降到39%
699	which is a lot.	这是很多。
700	My anxiety went down.	我的焦虑情绪下降。
701	My depression just went significantly low to I think,	我的抑郁症刚刚明显降低 我认为,
702	like I was considered like not depressed.	就像我被认为是不抑郁。
703	And I think it was from these like Buddhist lessons that they taught us that somehow.	我认为,正是从这些像佛教一样的教训中, 他们不知何故教了我们。
704	What's one that stood out to you?	你最擅长的是什么?
705	OK, so there's one you're probably familiar with this.	好吧,所以有一个 你可能熟悉这一点。
706	Have you heard of the double arrow?	你听说过双箭吗?
707	So the double arrow for people who don't know is this idea that	所以对于不知道的人来说 双箭就是这个想法
708	something bad happens to you.	坏事发生在你身上。
709	Let's say you don't get as much work done as you wanted to one day.	假设你的工作没有你想的那么多
710	And then you sit there and berate yourself,	然后你就坐在那里自责
711	why didn't I get as much work done today as I wanted?	为什么我今天的工作没有我想要的那么多?
712	Now it's going to screw up tomorrow and I'm not going to get it done on time	现在明天会搞砸的 我不会准时完成的
713	and my boss is going to be mad.	我老板会生气的
714	That second part is a second arrow that you're basically shooting yourself with	第二部分是第二支箭 你基本上用枪射自己
715	after the initial misfortune has happened.	在最初的不幸发生之后
716	I knew this going into the meditation program.	我知道这件事会进入冥想计划
717	But there was something about someone kind of explaining it to me	但有人告诉我
718	as like a universal human phenomenon	就像一个普遍的人类现象
719	and something that you actually have control over.	和一些你实际控制的东西。
720	Like you don't have to shoot yourself with this double arrow, the second arrow.	就像不用用这双箭射自己,第二箭.
721	You don't get any extra points in life from having two arrow injuries.	身受两箭伤,一生中得不到任何额外分数.
722	You can just acknowledge that something bad happened and think about,	你可以承认发生了一些坏事 想想看
723	OK, what am I going to do?	好吧,我该怎么办?
724	How am I going to move forward in a calm way without a lot of self-blame?	我如何以平静的方式前进,没有太多的自我指责?
725	I think that really made the difference for me.	我觉得这真的让我有所改变
726	A lot of my neuroticism came from self-blame.	我很多神经病都是自责造成的
727	And I think a lot of other people's does too.	我想其他人也一样
728	And that class was really good if you're like a self-blamer.	如果你像个自夸的人 那门课真的很好
729	It was very good at increasing self-compassion.	它非常善于增加自我同情.
730	Having meditated for a long time now, I feel like it's really beautiful	沉思了很久,感觉真美
731	hearing about someone having an experience that in eight weeks	听说有人在8周内有经历
732	was able to reduce depression that significantly.	能够大大降低抑郁症。
733	And even hearing about your experiences is really special	甚至听到你的经历也非常特别
734	because I think one of the things I find	因为我想我找到的东西之一
735	most interesting about the human mind is we think because we've heard something	人类思想中最有趣的是,我们思考是因为我们听到了一些东西
736	often that we understand it and that we've realized it.	我们经常明白这一点,并且意识到这一点。
737	And therefore, we're always looking for something new,	因此,我们总是寻找新的东西,
738	not realizing that actually it's that age old repetition of an idea	没想到其实是那个年老的重复想法
739	that then you get to live and breathe and apply.	然后,你得到生活和呼吸 并应用。
740	And then all of a sudden it transforms your life.	然后突然改变你的生活
741	And it isn't always about finding a new.	它并不总是 寻找一个新的。
742	And I think this idea of we always want to watch a new show or a new episode	我觉得我们总是想看新节目或新剧集
743	makes sense because that work isn't healing or transformative.	有道理的,因为那工作 不是治愈或变革。
744	But these ideas that are timeless, that have been around for thousands of years,	但是这些思想是永恒的, 已经存在了几千年,
745	there's a reason why when they finally hit, they have this effect that	有原因,当他们终于打, 他们有这种效果,
746	you're smiling in front of me right now and nodding.	你现在在我面前笑着点头
747	It's that feeling that you get, that you only get from something that heals you and transforms you.	就是那种感觉,你得到的,你只从能治愈你并改造你的东西中获得.
748	That you've heard it a million times, but then when the penny drops,	你听过一百万次了 但当一分钱掉下来
749	it stays with you forever.	它永远和你在一起。
750	So there's a couple things about it.	故有二义.
751	It was a group class.	那是团体课
752	So it was Zoom because of the pandemic.	因为这个流行病,所以是Zoom。
753	People were kind of all sharing their struggles.	人们都分享了他们的斗争。
754	And we were all kind of going through these realizations together too.	我们都在经历这些认识。
755	And so just seeing how it applied to different situations,	所以看看它如何适用于不同的情况,
756	even like very simple, like one thing my meditation teacher said was,	就像我的冥想老师说的一样
757	she would always say is things happen that we don't like.	她总是说 事情发生,我们不喜欢。
758	And like, how simple is that?	像,有多简单?
759	Obviously things happen that we don't like.	显然我们不喜欢发生的事
760	Every day something happens that we don't like.	每天都有我们不喜欢的事情发生
761	But for me, I was like, oh, every single person here, sitting here,	但对我来说,我就像,哦, 每个人在这里,坐在这里,
762	has things happen to them that they don't like.	有事情发生在他们不喜欢。
763	It's part of life.	谓众生之分.
764	It's not always your fault.	这不是你的错
765	Even if it is your fault, sitting there and going,	即使这是你的错,坐在那里和去,
766	ah, why am I always causing things to happen to me that I don't like,	啊,为什么我总是 使事情发生在我身上 我不喜欢,
767	is not going to fix the thing.	事情不会解决的
768	And for me, that was really, I don't know,	而对我来说,那真的是,我不知道,
769	that was therapeutic in a way, as silly as it seems.	这在某种意义上是治疗的, 似乎很愚蠢。
770	No, I don't think it's silly at all.	不,我不认为这是愚蠢的。
771	And I remember looking into, and I'm sure you're well aware of this,	我记得我调查过 我相信你很清楚
772	the frequency illusion.	频率幻觉。
773	And that idea has totally given me so much confidence	这个想法让我充满信心
774	on how what we're both talking about is so real and so true.	我们谈论的都是真实的
775	So for those who don't know, the frequency illusion	所以对于不知道的人来说 频率幻觉
776	is when you're thinking about buying a red car,	当你想买辆红色汽车时
777	and now every car that you see on the road is red.	现在在路上看到的每辆车都是红色的
778	And you think, wow, everyone's just buying red cars.	你认为,哇, 每个人都只是买红色的汽车。
779	It must be in fashion.	它必须是时尚。
780	必须是在Vogue。
781	Like, everyone's buying red.	像,每个人都买红色。
782	The reality is there are not more red cars.	现实是,没有更多的红色汽车。
783	It's just that now that you're noticing red cars.	只是现在你注意到了红车
784	So what you notice appears more often.	所以,你注意到的更多出现。
785	So when you notice things happen that I don't like,	所以,当你注意到发生的事情 我不喜欢,
786	now all you're noticing is the things that happen that you don't like.	你所注意到的只是你不喜欢的事情
787	And I always say to people that when I look at my life,	我总是对人们说 当我看着我的生活,
788	and if you reflected on your life,	如果你反思你的生活,
789	you can always tell two stories based on what you notice.	你总是可以讲两个故事 根据你注意到。
790	So I could either say today, I love what I do.	所以我今天可以说,我喜欢我的工作。
791	I'm so grateful to do it.	深为感激.
792	I'm really passionate about it.	我真的很热衷于这个
793	I wake up and I'm really excited about it.	我醒来后很兴奋
794	I get to work with great people.	我和伟大的人一起工作
795	Or I could say, the more I've done what I've loved,	或者我可以说, 我越做我爱的事,
796	I've attracted more negativity.	我吸引了更多的消极情绪。
797	I've had people steal money from me.	我让别人偷我的钱
798	I've had people want to take advantage of me.	我已经让别人想利用我
799	I've been exploited.	我被剥削了
800	And whatever else it is.	并随其物.
801	Now, both of those are true.	这两个都是真的
802	And I don't want to encourage positive thinking,	我不想鼓励积极的想法,
803	which is no only good things happen to me because that's not true.	这对我并不仅仅是好事 因为那不是真的
804	Things happen that I don't like.	发生一些我不喜欢的事
805	But the reality is I don't have to notice them as much.	但现实是,我不必多注意到他们。
806	And ultimately, all that's multiplying is what I'm noticing.	最终,我注意到的就是这些。
807	And that's exactly what you're saying in this idea that,	这就是你在这个想法中所说的
808	and that's what I think mindfulness does,	这也是我所认为的自觉
809	especially MBSR is this idea of the ability to notice.	特别是MBSR就是这种对注意能力的认识.
810	What am I paying attention to?	我该注意什么?
811	And is it helping me?	它有帮助我吗?
812	And then all of a sudden you go, wait a minute,	然后突然你走了, 等待一分钟,
813	when I focus on the double arrow, it doesn't help me.	当我专注于双箭, 它没有帮助我。
814	It doesn't serve me.	它不为我服务。
815	It doesn't get me anywhere.	我哪儿也来不了
816	I just criticize myself and hurt and hate myself even more.	我只是批评自己 伤害和恨自己更。
817	And now I've dug an even deeper hole.	现在我挖了一个更深的洞。
818	That's really hard to get out of tomorrow to get any work done.	这真的很难走出明天 完成任何工作。
819	And another common suggestion for reducing neuroticism	还有另一个减少神经病的共同建议
820	is to have a gratitude journal.	要有一个感恩日记。
821	And of course, when I started this, I was like, this is stupid.	当然,当我开始这个, 我很喜欢,这是愚蠢的。
822	Why would anyone be journaling about gratitude?	为什么会有人在杂志上说感激的事?
823	Russians are not big on kind of positive little journaling practices like that.	俄国人并不擅长这种正面的 小型期刊做法。
824	And kind of the more I did it, the more I realized	我越做越意识到
825	that it was helping you notice the positive story.	帮助你注意到这个积极的故事
826	So even on a dumb day where people on Twitter would yell at me	所以即使是在推特上的人对我大吼大叫的蠢日子
827	and my boss was mad at me and my husband and I got in a fight	我老板生我和我丈夫的气 我打了一架
828	or whatever, you know, I could always find a few things that went relatively well,	或什么的,你知道, 我总是可以找到一些事情 相对顺利,
829	you know, just even small things or just things that I was happy that I had,	你知道,只是一些小事 或者只是一些我很高兴的事情,我有,
830	you know, that I have that other people don't have.	你知道,我有别人没有的。
831	And, you know, it really does change your mindset a little bit.	而且,你知道,这真的 改变了你的思维。
832	It makes it, it just breaks you out of that cycle of like,	它使你摆脱了循环
833	everything is bad and my life is bad.	一切都是坏的,我的生活是坏的。
834	Yeah.	对
835	And the reason we have to do it is because we're all so wired.	我们之所以要这么做 是因为我们都是有线的
836	When have you ever got to a meeting smoothly and said,	你什么时候能顺利地开个会说
837	yeah, it was really smooth getting here today.	是啊,它真的很顺利 今天来到这里。
838	Most of the time, if it was a bad journey to get to work that day,	大部分时间 如果那天去上班的旅程不顺利
839	you would talk about it with everyone the whole day.	你会整天和大家讨论这件事
840	You keep repeating it.	你继续重复
841	So you would say it 10 times and you wouldn't even think about it.	所以你会说10次, 你甚至不会想它。
842	Every meeting, you'd go, oh my God, I had the worst journey here to work today.	每次会议,你都会去,哦,我的上帝, 我今天在这里的旅程最糟糕。
843	This guy cut me off.	这家伙切断了我。
844	There was an accident.	发生了意外
845	You know, you saw the news and you just keep telling that story.	你知道,你看到了新闻 你只是不停地说这个故事。
846	Whereas you'd never say, yeah, it was really smooth today.	但你从不说,是的,今天真的很平滑。
847	It was amazing.	这是惊人的。
848	I'm just so thankful that every light was green.	我只是非常感激 每盏灯都是绿色的
849	And, you know, you just don't say that.	而且,你知道, 你只是不说。
850	So we have to practice it.	所以我们必须练习。
851	The gratitude journal, I think, has become such a meme now	感谢日记,我想, 已经变成了这样一个meme
852	because it's like, whatever, it's kind of been so watered down.	因为它就像,不管怎样, 它有点被这样水化了。
853	But the point of it is the repetition of noticing a good story in your day	但重点是在你的时代重复注意一个好故事
854	because you're so wired to notice the bad stories every day.	因为你每天被窃听到注意到坏事
855	I wanted to ask you, what are the gender effects on personality?	我想问你,性别对人格有什么影响?
856	Women tend to be more conscientious in some ways, more agreeable,	妇女往往在某些方面更自觉,更能接受,
857	and also much more neurotic.	而且更神经质。
858	Neuroticism is like,	神经病就像,
859	highly associated with being female.	与女性高度相关
860	And then men?	然后是男人吗?
861	Men tend to be much less agreeable, less conscientious in certain ways,	男人在某些方面往往不太容易接受 也不太认真
862	and then less neuroticism.	然后减少神经病。
863	Men tend to have more of like, this like, it's called the dark triad,	男人更喜欢这样 叫做黑帮
864	or basically like, kind of an antagonistic personality trait	或基本上像,一种对立的个性特征
865	that women, because of socialization or whatever,	女人,因为社交或什么的,
866	tend not to display as much.	通常不会显示那么多。
867	And that's what makes heterosexual relationships so hard,	所以异性恋关系才这么难
868	because there's a complete fraction of...	因为有一点...
869	All of the like, my husband never mops the floor or whatever,	我丈夫从不拖地板之类的
870	that's personality-based, yeah.	那是个性化的,是的。
871	But the thing is, it's shared across men.	但问题是 男人之间共享
872	As in, it's not like, it's just my guy.	就像,它不是像, 这只是我的人。
873	You occasionally will find someone, you know, obviously these are all averages,	你偶尔会找到一个人,你知道, 很明显,这些都是平均,
874	so you'll find someone who's like, below the average or above,	所以,你会找到一个像, 低于平均或高于,
875	but yeah, it tends to be shared, yeah.	但是,是的,它倾向于共享,是的。
876	So that's something that all men need to work on.	所以,这是所有男人都需要做的。
877	Yes.	对
878	Yeah, exactly.	没错
879	And that's the hard part with that, right?	这才是最难的,对吧?
880	Because romantic relationships is probably where we see this the most,	因为浪漫的关系可能是我们最看重的地方
881	where we just say to our partner, but that's not who I am.	在那里,我们只是说我们的伙伴, 但这不是我是谁。
882	I don't want to be that.	我不想那样
883	And also because you feel the pressure that your partner wants you to be that way.	也因为你感受到了你的伴侣希望你那样的压力.
884	What do you do when your partner wants you to be that way,	当你的搭档希望你这样时 你会怎么做?
885	but you don't want to be that way for them?	但你不想这样对待他们?
886	You know, there could be another reason to be that way, though.	你知道,可能还有另一个原因 是这种方式,虽然。
887	Like, even if it would just make your relationship a little bit balmy or,	就像,即使它会只是 让你的关系有点balmy或,
888	you know, maybe you understand each other better,	你知道,也许你们更了解对方,
889	maybe you communicate better because you agree to say things a certain way.	也许你沟通得更好 因为你同意用某种方式说话
890	My husband has this with like various things.	我丈夫有这样的东西
891	He likes things like, he tends to think that eating the very last bit of something is rude.	他喜欢这样的东西, 他倾向于认为 吃最后一点的东西 是粗鲁的。
892	And I think that leaving a big bag with a tiny bit of something in it is rude.	我认为留下一个大袋子 里面有一点点的东西是粗鲁的。
893	But so now, though, I see when I see a big bag with a little bit piece of something,	但现在,虽然,我看到一个大袋子 和一点点的东西,
894	I'm like, oh, he's trying to be kind to me, right?	我很喜欢,哦, 他试图对我好,对不对?
895	I'm seeing it through his eyes of like he's being empathetic.	我从他眼中看出来他很冷酷
896	And when I gobble down the last of the cheese and throw the package away,	当我把最后的奶酪 扔掉的时候
897	he tries to see it as like I'm being efficient and showing him love	他试图把它看成我是高效的 向他展示爱
898	by not leaving crab in the fridge.	不把螃蟹丢在冰箱里
899	Yeah, yeah, yeah.	对,对,对
900	And that again goes back to the underlying need,	这又回到基本的需要,
901	because that's an underlying expression of the same thing.	因为那是同样事物的基本表现
902	Yeah.	对
903	Could you name for us the five personality traits	你能给我们起个个性特征的名字吗?
904	and then the personalities that are associated with those?	还有那些与这些有关的人物?
905	So there's five traits that make up personality.	因此,有五个特征构成个性.
906	You can remember them with the acronym OCEAN,	你可以用缩写OCEAN来记住他们
907	which is nice because we're in California.	这很好,因为我们在加州
908	So it's openness to experiences, which is this is the hardest one, so stay with me.	所以,这是对经验的开放, 这是最难的,所以和我在一起。
909	But it's kind of like people who are open-minded, kind of down for whatever,	但是,这有点像 人谁开明的心, 那种下来什么,
910	kind of just you suggest a new restaurant to them and they're like,	那种只是你建议 一个新的餐厅给他们 他们喜欢,
911	okay, yeah, let's check it out.	好吧,我们来看看。
912	C for conscientiousness.	C为自觉.
913	These are the go-getters.	这些是去得到的人。
914	They wake up early.	他们早起。
915	They run every day.	他们每天都在跑
916	They know where all their stuff is.	他们知道他们的东西在哪里。
917	They work really diligently at everything.	他们很勤奋地工作
918	They pursue their goals.	他们追求自己的目标。
919	These are type A individuals.	这些是A类个人。
920	E for extroversion.	E为外传.
921	We all have some sense of what this is.	我们都知道这是什么
922	It's not just talking a lot.	这不只是说了很多。
923	It's also like how much you like being around people and how kind of active you are.	也像是你多么喜欢在人身边 以及你有多活跃
924	Are you kind of more the sit on the couch person or are you	你是坐沙发上还是坐沙发上?
925	out and about doing stuff with other people is extroversion, even if you're not talking.	和别人做一些事情是外向的, 即使你不说话。
926	Agreeableness is A, and it gets a bad rap because people think it means just agreeing	同意是A,它得到一个不好的说唱,因为人们认为这意味着仅仅同意
927	with everything, but it's really how warm and empathetic you are in your relationships.	但你们在感情中是多么的温暖和同情
928	Are you someone who is filled with a lot of antagonism?	你是一个充满敌意的人吗?
929	Do you start a lot of conflict with the people in your life?	你生命中与人民发生了很多冲突吗?
930	Or are you someone who is able to take the perspective of others,	或者你能够从别人的角度出发
931	puts others' needs before your own?	把别人的需要放在你自己之前?
932	People high in agreeableness tend to have really deep and meaningful	居高临下的人 往往有真正的深度和意义
933	friendships and relationships.	友谊和关系。
934	But it could lead to people pleasing on the negative end.	但是,这可能导致人们在消极的一面感到高兴。
935	It can, and I've heard from people who are like,	它可以,我听说过 人们喜欢,
936	I want to be less agreeable because I want to be less of a people pleaser,	我想变得不那么讨人喜欢 因为我想变得不那么讨人喜欢
937	and there are ways to set boundaries in relationships	和有办法 确定关系界限
938	that can still be agreeable and that don't lead to people pleasing.	那还是可以接受的 也不会让人高兴
939	And then N is neuroticism.	然后N是神经病。
940	It's basically the two components of it are depression and anxiety.	基本上它的两个组成部分是抑郁症和焦虑症.
941	It's kind of all about how negative your inner weather is.	你内心的天气有多阴暗
942	Gloomy is it in there?	郁闷是在那里?
943	Is it all like I had the worst commute into work today	难道我今天的工作最糟糕吗?
944	because a guy cut me off and blah, blah, blah?	因为一个男人 切断了我,等等,等等?
945	Or are you able to kind of take a minute in there and smile at something,	或者你可以在那里花点时间 和微笑的东西,
946	laugh with someone, even just appreciate it being a normal day?	与某人笑,甚至只是感谢 这是一个正常的一天?
947	That would be someone who's more emotionally stable,	那会是情绪比较稳定的人
948	which is the opposite of neuroticism.	与神经病相反
949	Got it.	明白吗?
950	And introversion fits into extroversion because each are a scale.	而内向适应于外向,因为每个都是尺度.
951	Yes.	对
952	For openness, closed.	对于开放,关闭。
953	Yes, exactly.	没错
954	So they're all-	所以他们都...
955	I'm being unconscious.	我被无意识。
956	Yes.	对
957	So they're all a spectrum.	所以它们都是光谱
958	So no one is 100% one or the other.	因此,没有人是100%的一方或另一方。
959	People are like, I'm a total introvert.	人们喜欢,我是一个总的内向。
960	You're probably like 23% of the way.	你大概是23%的方式。
961	And are we all mixed?	我们都是混血儿吗?
962	Are we all of them?	大家都是吗?
963	We have a score on the spectrum of each and every one of them.	每个人的光谱都有我们的分数
964	We all have each of these traits inside of us to varying degrees.	我们都在不同程度上拥有这些特性。
965	Generally, you want to be pretty high on all of them other than neuroticism.	一般来说,除了神经病外,你想对所有这些病都相当高。
966	You want to be low on that one.	你想低调一点
967	But pretty high doesn't mean all the way high or extreme or in every situation or every day.	但是,相当高并不意味着 一路高或极端 或在每一种情况或每一天。
968	It just means that if called upon to give a wedding toast,	意思是如果有人要为婚礼祝酒
969	you're capable of doing that, you're not going to melt down.	你有能力做到这一点, 你不会融化下来。
970	That would be like an appropriate amount of extroversion.	这将是适当数量的外向。
971	Got it, got it.	笵
972	Yeah, that's so interesting you say that because I was looking at a study that was	是啊,你这么说太有趣了 因为我在看一个研究
973	saying that if we're asked to give a toast as the maid of honor at our friend's wedding,	说如果我们被要求敬酒 作为伴娘 在我们朋友的婚礼,
974	we literally feel like we're being chased by a tiger, right?	我们真的觉得被老虎追了 对吧?
975	That's the response in the brain because we're so scared of how it could go.	这是大脑里的反应,因为我们非常害怕它会怎样。
976	You're saying ideally you don't feel that way and that's a healthy level to be.	你说的最好你没有那种感觉 这才是健康的水平
977	Yeah, so that doesn't mean that you would give a toast every day.	是啊,这并不意味着你会 每天敬酒。
978	It doesn't mean that what you would prefer most in the world is to give a toast.	这并不意味着你最喜欢的 就是敬酒
979	You might still need a lot of quiet time to yourself,	你可能需要很多安静的时间
980	but it's someone who can kind of rise to those occasions.	但它是一个能挺身而出的人
981	So I have a friend who always says to me,	所以我有个朋友总是对我说
982	I'm not as ambitious as you.	我没你那么有野心
983	I'm a lot more content and I'm stable is the words he uses,	我更满足,我稳定 他用的词,
984	but then when we get into it, he'll be honest and say,	但当我们进入, 他会诚实地说,
985	I think I'm lazy, I'm not organized and I disguise my lack of ambition as contentment,	我觉得我懒惰,没有组织,我把缺乏野心伪装成满足,
986	but really I'm not happy.	但我真的不高兴。
987	Like I'm anxious, I'm stressed, I'm not in a good place.	就像我焦急,我压力很大,我不在好地方。
988	Is that changeable?	可以换吗?
989	Yeah, so for my book, I interviewed several people exactly like that.	是啊,所以我的书, 我采访了几个人 正是这样的。
990	So they kind of thought they were just kind of, oh, whatever happens happens,	所以他们觉得他们只是 那种,哦,不管发生了什么,
991	kind of like, you know, I'm content, I'm not very ambitious.	那种喜欢,你知道, 我满足,我不是很雄心勃勃。
992	But then one of the women, Julia, she really wanted to start her own business.	但后来一个女人,朱莉娅, 她真的想创办自己的企业。
993	She wanted to have her own copywriting business,	她想有自己的抄写业务,
994	but she worked as like a assistant at a hair salon,	但她在发廊当助手
995	which was not really what she wanted to be doing.	这不是她真正想要做的事情。
996	It was a little bit menial and like just kind of she felt like she had skills beyond that.	她觉得她有超能力
997	And she really just struggled to get motivated or like figure out	而她真的只是挣扎着 得到动机或喜欢想出
998	how she was going to start this business.	她打算怎么开始这个生意。
999	She kind of just like flipped overnight.	她有点像 翻过一夜。
1000	Like she again, kind of like my thing with the MBSR class,	像她再次, 有点像我的事情 在MBSR班,
1001	she read that like, you can accomplish your goals by just working at them for 20 minutes a day,	她读到的一样, 你可以完成你的目标 通过仅仅工作 在他们每天20分钟,
1002	just in some self-help book.	只是一些自助书。
1003	This is not the secret to conscientiousness, but for her, this was like, oh, like,	这不是良心的秘密 但对她来说 这就像...
1004	I could just do a little bit every day toward my goals.	我每天可以做一点 我的目标。
1005	Like I don't have to suddenly wake up and be a different person.	就像我不必突然醒来 变成另一个人
1006	And she did, she got super organized.	她做到了,她得到了超级有组织的。
1007	She's like one of the most organized people I've ever talked to.	她是我见过最有组织的人之一
1008	She has like all these to-do lists.	她喜欢所有这些待办事宜列表。
1009	She has a calendar.	她有一个日历。
1010	She has JIRA tracking of her client.	她有JIRA追踪她的客户。
1011	You know, she's like very together.	你知道,她就像 非常在一起。
1012	And this was someone who quit her job to start a business	这个人辞去了她的工作 开始创业
1013	and then watch Game of Thrones for, you know, months	然后看宝座游戏,你知道,几个月
1014	because she didn't have that skill initially.	因为她一开始没有这种技能
1015	So yeah, it's completely possible.	所以,这是完全可能的。
1016	So how do we do it?	那么,我们如何做到这一点?
1017	So what I found seems to work for people is that you have to have,	所以,我发现似乎 工作为人们是 你必须有,
1018	this is now like a cliche at this point, but you really have to have a why.	现在这就像一个陈词滥调, 但你真的必须有一个原因。
1019	One of the other people that I talked to in that chapter,	我在那个章节里跟其他人谈过
1020	he came from this like very poor rural part of Virginia	他来自这里 就像弗吉尼亚州非常贫困的农村地区
1021	and he had never like studied really.	他从来没有喜欢学习真的。
1022	He just wasn't into school and he had never written a paper before.	他只是没上过学 而且他从没写过论文
1023	And he didn't realize that you can study for tests	他没有意识到 你可以学习测试
1024	and in that way you can improve your score.	这样你就能提高分数了
1025	So he gets to college somehow, like the, you know, whatever low college he gets into.	所以他上了大学 喜欢,你知道, 不管他进入什么低年级大学。
1026	And everyone thinks he's going to fail out because he's just not, school is not his thing.	每个人都认为他会失败 因为他不是,学校不是他的事情。
1027	And then he takes one psychology class and he's like, oh, this is so interesting.	然后他上一个心理学课 他喜欢,哦,这太有趣了。
1028	I'm learning about why people do what they do, the science of the mind,	我在学习为什么人们做他们做的, 心灵的科学,
1029	this is applicable to me, this is fascinating.	这适用于我, 这很有趣。
1030	And he decides he wants to become an academic psychologist,	他决定要成为一个学术心理学家,
1031	like a researcher in psychology, which is so far beyond where he is at that moment.	就像心理学的研究员, 这远远超出了他当时所处的位置。
1032	And he does, he honestly just completely turns his life around.	他确实这么做了,他真的完全改变了他的生活。
1033	He gets organized, he gets like a filing cabinet with all of his homework and all that stuff.	他得到组织,他得到 像一个档案柜 他所有的功课和所有的东西。
1034	He finds a study buddy, which having a partner in whatever like journey you're on	他找到了一个学习伙伴, 拥有一个合伙人 在任何像 你的旅行
1035	is always going to be more effective.	永远是更有效的。
1036	They stay up all night reading and studying together and writing essays together	他们整晚不睡 一起读书 一起写文章
1037	and like puzzling through like, what does this mean?	这是什么意思?
1038	What does that mean?	这是什么意思?
1039	He finds a mentor in psychology who kind of keeps him going and gives him hope.	他找到了心理学的导师 那种让他坚持下去 给他带来希望
1040	He makes flashcards for every test.	他每次测试都要打闪卡
1041	He sets like timelines for when he's going to start studying for each psychology quiz.	他为每一次心理学测验设定了学习时间表
1042	And he is, he is now a tenured professor in psychology.	他现在是心理学的终身教授
1043	He got into UGA, which is a great grad school for psychology.	他进入了UGA,这是一所伟大的心理学研究生院.
1044	And this is someone who I think made D's in high school.	这个是高中时的D
1045	And it's really about having that thing that he's like, this is what I want to be doing.	这真的是关于拥有他喜欢的东西, 这就是我想要做的。
1046	This is absolutely how I see it playing out.	我绝对是这么想的
1047	And nothing else in his life up until that point had ignited him in that same way.	直到那个时候 他生命中没有什么能以同样的方式点燃他
1048	What are the strongest types of ways?	最强的方法是什么?
1049	I would say it's something that is going to kind of fuel you for the rest of your life.	我会说,这是一些东西 会给你的余生燃料。
1050	So people often, it's like their kids, people will do anything for their kids because	所以人们经常,就像他们的孩子, 人们会为孩子做任何事情,因为
1051	they just kind of consume you and you're like an infinite amount of energy to pour into them.	他们只是吞噬你,你就像 无限的能量注入他们。
1052	For me, it was really, I really wanted to do journalism.	对我来说,我真的很想做新闻
1053	And that was a big part of what made me more conscientious	那是我更自觉的原因之一
1054	because I had a series of really boring jobs before I became a journalist.	因为我在成为记者之前 做过很多无聊的工作
1055	And I was like, I can't spend my whole life being this bored.	我当时想,我不能一辈子都这么无聊
1056	I cannot go in day in, day out and not look forward to anything or learning anything or	我不能在白天去,白天出去 不期待任何东西或学习任何东西或
1057	any kind of interesting conversation.	任何有趣的谈话。
1058	I was a secretary at a mail order mailbox company.	我是邮购邮箱公司的秘书
1059	I was like, this is so tedious.	我当时想,这太无聊了。
1060	This is so boring.	这太无聊了。
1061	I hate mailboxes.	我讨厌邮箱
1062	I don't care.	我无所谓
1063	And I was like, I can't do this for the rest of my life.	我一辈子都做不来
1064	No shade to the people who work there.	在那里工作的人没有影子
1065	So that is something.	所以,这是东西。
1066	It's like you can be kind of running away from something.	就像你可以逃避某些东西
1067	You can be running towards something.	你可以跑向某处
1068	It's something that's going to just kind of fuel you forever.	这东西会让你永远加油
1069	Not for the next week.	下礼拜别.
1070	Okay.	摆
1071	So you need a why.	所以你需要个原因
1072	What else?	还有什么?
1073	As I mentioned previously, having someone who's kind of on the journey with you can be,	正如我之前提到的, 拥有一个 那种与你一起旅行的人,
1074	for some reason, really empowering.	因为某种原因, 真正的授权。
1075	It's called the mutually reinforcing effect.	这被称为相互强化效应.
1076	And it essentially means that you kind of are learning from someone, right?	基本上意味着你在向某人学习,对吧?
1077	You're getting strategies from them.	你得到了他们的策略。
1078	So he was getting these like study skills from this other person.	所以他得到了这些像学习技能 从另一个人。
1079	But he was also kind of learning alongside him.	但他也和他一起学习
1080	Like they were kind of, it kind of creates this positive sense of peer pressure where	就像他们一样,它创造了一种积极的同伴压力感
1081	you're like, let's do it together.	你就像,让我们一起做。
1082	Let's like run this race together.	让我们像运行这场比赛在一起。
1083	It makes you feel like less alone, especially when things get really hard.	这让你觉得 少孤独, 尤其是当事情变得非常困难。
1084	Like I think it was for him at times.	就像我想有时候是为了他
1085	Okay.	摆
1086	And then what else?	还有呢?
1087	There's a final concept called episodic future thinking.	有一个最终的概念,叫做"零星的未来思维".
1088	So a lot of times we have trouble being conscientious	所以,很多时候,我们有困难 良心
1089	because we can't see how it will all kind of look in the end.	因为我们看不清结局会怎样
1090	So I am not talking about the secret here, but it's kind of about visualizing with very	所以,我不是在谈论这个秘密, 但它是那种视觉 与非常
1091	specific details, either the outcome that you're trying to generate or the outcome	具体细节,要么你试图产生的结果 要么结果
1092	that you're trying to avoid.	你试图避免。
1093	So for Julia, the woman who had the business, it was, you know, I'm working for myself.	所以对Julia来说,那个有生意的女人, 我为自己工作。
1094	I set my own schedule.	我决定了自己的日程
1095	I have all these clients.	我有所有这些客户。
1096	You know, I never have to see this hair salon again.	我再也不用看这个发廊了
1097	And it was very clear to her like how she was going to set up her home office,	她很清楚她打算怎么建立自己的办公室
1098	how she was going to run her day, how she was going to do this.	她会如何管理她的一天, 她会如何做到这一点。
1099	So she had all the like kind of visualized pieces of it.	所以她有类似 一种可视的片段。
1100	And that would kind of keep her motivated when it inevitably got hard.	那会让她在难免变得难受的时候 保持积极性
1101	For some people, it can be something negative.	对有些人来说,这可能是负面的。
1102	And as long as you're not so bogged down in the negativity, that can be motivating.	只要你没有陷入这种消极状态,那会激发人们的兴趣。
1103	So the guy who became a psychologist, his big fear was becoming an assistant manager at Wendy's	成为心理学家的那个人 他的恐惧是成为温蒂的助理经理
1104	because that was like the only job that was available in his hometown.	因为这是他家乡唯一能干的工作
1105	And so he was like, if I have to go back to my hometown and be an assistant manager at Wendy's,	所以他喜欢,如果我必须回到我的家乡 做温蒂的助理经理,
1106	I can't do that.	我不能这样做。
1107	I can't handle that.	我无法应付。
1108	I have to do well at school because I can't have this like Wendy's future happen to me.	我在学校必须做得很好 因为我不能有这样的 温蒂的未来发生在我身上。
1109	So that kind of thing can be really motivating.	所以,这种事情 能够真正激发。
1110	And that's, you know, connecting things to a bigger vision like that.	这就是,你知道,把事情 与更大的视觉联系起来。
1111	A lot of the stuff that you're going to be doing for conscientiousness is going to be kind of tedious.	你为了良心而做的许多事情 会很乏味
1112	Like, you know, scheduling guests for your podcast, I bet, is like not the most fun process,	就像,你知道,安排客人 为你的播客,我敢打赌, 不喜欢最有趣的过程,
1113	like sending these emails and like finding a time.	就像发送这些邮件 和寻找时间。
1114	But it's like necessary for the larger vision.	但是,这就像对更大的视觉是必要的。
1115	So if you keep your focus on that larger vision,	所以如果你把注意力放在这个更大的视野上
1116	it will motivate you through those like difficult times.	它会激励你渡过困难时期
1117	Yeah, I think that's such a big important part because	是的,我认为这是一个如此重要的一部分 因为
1118	I often think when people think of their purpose or their calling or a better life,	我常常认为,当人们想到他们的目的,他们的召唤或更好的生活,
1119	it's without any difficult, tedious tasks.	它没有任何困难,乏味的任务。
1120	Yes.	对
1121	And that's just not reality.	而这只是不是现实。
1122	I talk to friends all the time and I keep reminding them that	我经常和朋友交谈,我一直提醒他们
1123	you're always doing things you don't want to do to do more of the things you want to do.	你总是做一些你不想做的事 来做你想做的事
1124	And that's how life works.	则人生之道也.
1125	There's very few people on planet Earth, if any,	地球上很少有人
1126	that only wake up and do everything they want to do.	只有醒来 做他们想做的事
1127	And anyone who says that is probably just paraphrasing for,	任何人如果说那可能只是解释,
1128	well, it all is things I love because it's feeding and serving a bigger vision.	嗯,这一切都是我喜欢的东西,因为它的喂养 服务一个更大的视觉。
1129	And I also like what you were saying because I think for me, it was like that when I was in	我也喜欢你说的 因为我觉得当我在的时候
1130	stable consulting job before I do what I do now, the only thing that got me out of there was I	稳定咨询工作之前,我现在做什么, 唯一让我走出那里是我
1131	didn't want to be like the people who were 20 years senior to me in those roles.	不想像那些20岁高龄的我一样
1132	Again, no offense to anyone who works there.	再说一遍,对在那里工作的人没有冒犯
1133	They're happy there.	他们在那里很开心。
1134	That's great.	赞曰.
1135	I just couldn't see myself being someone there when I was 45 or 50 or whatever it was.	我45岁或50岁时 根本看不到自己是在那里的人
1136	And at the same time, I couldn't imagine getting to the end of my life	同时,我无法想象生命的尽头
1137	and thinking I didn't try.	以为我没有尝试。
1138	And that visual for me was really, really powerful.	对我来说的视觉非常非常强大。
1139	And even probably the one I use most today where I'm like at the end of my life,	甚至可能是今天我最常用的一个 在我的人生末期
1140	if I'm lying there and I'm hopefully conscious enough to reflect,	如果我躺在那里 希望我有足够的意识去思考
1141	I'm never, ever, ever going to be sad that I tried something and people thought I was bad at it.	我永远不会,永远, 永远不会是悲伤 我尝试的东西, 人们认为我是不好的。
1142	Or there was terrible criticism or people laughed at me because at that point,	或者有可怕的批评 或人们嘲笑我 因为当时,
1143	none of that will matter because I'll be forgotten in a matter of moments.	这些都无关紧要 因为我马上就会被遗忘了
1144	And the most important thing will be what I'll remember about my life, which is I tried,	而最重要的事情是 我会记住关于我的生活, 我尝试,
1145	I gave it a shot, I explored, I experimented, and I'll be proud of myself for doing that.	我给了它一个机会,我探索了,我进行了实验,我会为这样做而感到自豪。
1146	And I think that visual is such a powerful way of whether it's like you said,	我认为视觉是 如此强大的方式 它是否像你所说的,
1147	five years, 10 years, 20 years, or whether it's all the way to the end.	五年,十年,二十年,或谓之 all,或谓之尽.
1148	It's such a powerful motivator that really puts things into context that you can't right now.	它是一个强大的驱动器 真正地把事情 放在你现在无法理解的背景中。
1149	Even people who are professionals at being gritty struggle with this.	即使是那些很专业的人 也会为此而挣扎
1150	As one example, one of the people I interviewed was Angela Duckworth,	例如,我采访的其中一个人 是安吉拉·达克沃斯
1151	who literally wrote Grit.	谁写格丽特。
1152	So the book about how to stick with your goals.	所以,关于如何坚持你的目标。
1153	She has trouble sticking with her goals.	她很难坚持目标
1154	So she doesn't like making the PowerPoint slides	所以她不喜欢制作PowerPoint幻灯片
1155	for her classes, as she told me.	为了她的课,正如她告诉我的。
1156	This is a tedious thing for her.	这对她来说很无聊
1157	It's not fun.	不乐.
1158	It's like	这就像
1159	fixing the font and making it readable and all that stuff.	修整字体 使它可以读取 和所有的东西。
1160	She doesn't enjoy it,	她不喜欢这样
1161	but she does it because it's so important to her to teach people about psychology and to be	但她这么做是因为 教别人心理学和成为
1162	a good professor and to connect with her students that she powers through these PowerPoint sessions.	并通过这些PowerPoint课程与她授权的学生建立联系。
1163	So I think that was a really good example because if anyone knows how to be gritty,	所以我认为这是一个很好的例子 因为如果有人知道如何做人
1164	it's her, but even she struggles with it.	这是她,但甚至她挣扎与它。
1165	If someone wants to be more extroverted, what do they do every day?	如果有人想更外向,他们每天做什么?
1166	What do they need to change?	他们需要改变什么?
1167	All you have to do is talk to people.	你只需要和别人说话
1168	When you don't want to.	当不欲.
1169	Yes, it can take whatever form you want, but my recommendation for people who are introverts,	是的,它可以采取你想要的任何形式, 但我的建议的人 谁做内向,
1170	who are just starting out, maybe you just moved somewhere new and you want to meet new people,	他们刚刚开始,也许你刚 搬到新的地方,你想见新人,
1171	sign up for an activity that happens regularly that you don't have to organize.	报名参加你不需要组织的活动
1172	Because I think	因为我觉得
1173	where people get stuck is in the endless text chain of doom of like, how about Tuesday?	周二怎么样?
1174	How	怎么样
1175	about Wednesday?	关于周三?
1176	How about drinks?	喝点什么?
1177	How about here?	这里怎么样?
1178	How about there?	那里怎么样?
1179	It's really hard to make	很难做到
1180	things happen in our society because everyone's so over-scheduled.	事情发生在我们的社会中,因为每个人都这么超时。
1181	Everyone's busy.	每个人都很忙。
1182	Everyone kind	每个人善良
1183	of has this inclination toward introversion.	有这种倾向 内向。
1184	So just sign up for something like Pickleball	所以,只要报名 像泡菜球
1185	or like whatever your thing is, whatever you can tolerate, that's like a group activity	或喜欢你的东西是什么, 你能够容忍的, 这就像一个团体活动
1186	that's going to happen with or without you.	不管有没有你,都会发生这种事
1187	Because that's, to me, like seeing the same	因为对我来说,就像看到一样
1188	people regularly over time is how you build connections and how you build friendships	时常的人就是如何建立联系 如何建立友谊
1189	and not through like just being really good at scheduling.	而不是像只是 真正擅长的时间安排。
1190	Yeah.	对
1191	It's almost, I remember for me, it was, I was around 15 years old.	它几乎,我记得对我来说, 它是,我大约15岁。
1192	I was doing work	我当时在工作
1193	experience at this company that I'd been connected to.	我和这家公司有关系
1194	And my job was to cold call 300 companies	我的工作是打给300家公司
1195	and try and sell event space for an exhibition.	并尝试出售 活动空间为展览。
1196	And I had never cold called in my life at 15 years	15岁时我从未寒冷过
1197	old.	岁.
1198	I didn't even know what that meant.	我都不知道这是什么意思
1199	And I remember getting a quick coaching session	我记得我得到了一个快速的辅导课程
1200	with someone who was really warm and actually really nice.	和一个很温和 真正善良的人
1201	His name was Joel and just such a	他的名字叫乔尔,只是这样的
1202	kind guy at the time.	时善男子.
1203	Like he was in his 30s probably, but showing me the ropes.	他大概30多岁了 但给我看绳子
1204	And I remember just calling 300 and he told me, hey, most of them won't respond.	我记得我刚打过300电话 他告诉我,嘿,他们大多不会回应
1205	Most of them	他们大多数
1206	will say no.	将说不。
1207	And I probably only sold three out of 300 exhibition spots, but I felt so confident	我可能只卖了三百个展览点 但我觉得很有信心
1208	to be rejected and cold call from that point because I'd picked up the phone and talked to	被拒绝 冷打 因为我拿起电话和
1209	300 people.	三百众.
1210	And I didn't feel like a failure, which is a really bizarre counterintuitive feeling	我并不觉得自己是个失败者 这是一种奇怪的反直觉感
1211	because I failed 297 times, but the three exhibition slots I sold were just such big wins.	因为我失败了297次 但我卖的3个展位 就是这么大的赢家
1212	And he was just like, yeah, those are the odds.	他就像,是的,这是概率。
1213	Like that's just how it works.	碞钩琌硂妓
1214	And I feel like	我觉得
1215	that was the moment I built a sense of confidence around being exposed to rejection.	那一刻,我建立了一种信心 围绕被排斥。
1216	So it's almost	所以,它几乎是
1217	like what you're saying is that exposure therapy of, hey, if you're not good at talking to people	就像你说的 曝光疗法,嘿, 如果你不擅长与人交谈
1218	and you're bad at organizing yourself, pick something that's organized and just talk to	而且你不太擅长组织自己, 选择一些有组织的东西,只是说话
1219	one person.	一个人
1220	And then next week, talk to two people there.	然后下周,跟两个人谈谈
1221	And then next week, talk to three people.	然后下周,跟三个人谈谈
1222	And that exposure therapy slowly, slowly, slowly, by the end of the eight weeks, you're like, oh wow,	慢慢地,慢慢地,慢慢地, 到8周结束时,你就像,哦哇,
1223	I'm comfortable talking to people at Pickleball now.	我现在在泡菜馆和人聊天很舒服
1224	Yeah, exactly.	没错
1225	Yeah.	对
1226	And it's, you know,	这是,你知道,
1227	not every conversation is going to go perfectly.	并不是每个谈话都会完美无缺
1228	Like not every person you meet is, I had some	就像不是每个你遇到的人,我有一些
1229	really awkward conversations that I described in the book, like with these new people I was talking	我在书中描述的很尴尬的谈话 就像我和这些新来的人
1230	to.	改为。
1231	So I was doing a lot of meetup where you go on like group outings with people.	所以,我做了很多的相遇,在那里你去 像集体外出与人。
1232	Usually it's	通常是这样
1233	like hiking or something like that.	就像徒步旅行之类的
1234	So it's a bunch of strangers who, who hike together.	所以是一群陌生人 一起爬来爬去
1235	Again,	再说一遍
1236	if you go regularly, hopefully you get to know some of them.	如果你经常去,希望你能了解一些他们。
1237	我做了很多 像Bumble,
1238	对,Bumble BFF。
1239	而Bumble BFF 其实为我工作。
1240	我在Bumble BFF遇到一个朋友
1241	and we're still friends.	我们还是朋友
1242	But one of them was like, oh, she was trying to tell me that	但其中有一个像,哦, 她试图告诉我
1243	women peak in high school, that she was not looking for a partner and was not ever interested in	高中时最高峰的女生, 她没有寻找伴侣, 从来没有兴趣
1244	dating again, because we were in our thirties and women peak physically in high school.	因为我们30多岁了 高中时女人身体上都顶峰
1245	And I was	我当时
1246	like, I really don't think women peak in high school.	喜欢,我真的不认为女性高峰 在高中。
1247	That's really depressing.	真让人沮丧
1248	And I was just	我刚刚
1249	like, how do I navigate out of this like very like specific thing that you said that I really	喜欢,我如何导航 出这个样子 像非常具体的事情 你说,我真的
1250	don't agree with.	不赞同
1251	And that makes me sad that you think that.	这让我很难过你这么想。
1252	But so yeah, you're going to meet	但是,所以是的,你要去见
1253	people who you're like, wow, I don't agree with you at all about that.	你喜欢的人,哇, 我不同意你 关于这一点。
1254	You know, or just people	你知道,或只是人们
1255	who have like political opinions that are different from yours or whatever it might be, but you know,	他们喜欢政治观点 与你不同 或它可能是什么,但你知道,
1256	然后你会遇到一个像我的Bumble BFF,Alex。
1257	Yeah, exactly.	没错
1258	I think what's hard about it	我觉得有什么难的
1259	is that humans feel the more certain we are about who we are, the safer we are.	人类越确定我们是谁 就越安全
1260	And so	这样
1261	when you start becoming uncertain about who you are and open to the idea that you could be more,	当你开始变得不确定你是谁 并开放的想法 你可能更多,
1262	it's a scary place to live because it's uncomfortable.	它是一个可怕的地方居住,因为它不舒服。
1263	But you don't like the idea	但你不喜欢这个想法
1264	that you met someone at 30.	你30岁认识的人
1265	They're really outgoing.	他们真的要离开了
1266	And now you're like, no, no, no,	现在你喜欢,不,不,不,
1267	I'm a homebody.	我是一个家庭身体。
1268	That's that's who I am.	这就是我是谁。
1269	Like, stop trying to change me.	像,停止试图改变我。
1270	And yeah, sure, I agree with	是的,当然,我同意
1271	you.	你们
1272	Don't change for that person.	别为他变身
1273	But have you ever asked yourself whether you want to be more	但是,你曾经问过自己 是否你想成为更多
1274	than a homebody?	比一个家庭?
1275	Have you explored?	你探索过吗?
1276	Have you experienced it to even know whether that's what	你经历它 甚至知道是不是
1277	you want?	你想吗?
1278	And I think we're scared to do that because we feel sure that no, no, I'm a homebody.	我认为我们害怕这样做 因为我们觉得确定不,不,我是一个家庭。
1279	And that's my identity.	这就是我的身份。
1280	And that's what my friends know me for.	我的朋友也因此认识我
1281	And all my friends will be like,	我所有的朋友都会说
1282	yeah, you're a homebody.	是啊,你是一个家庭身体。
1283	And it evokes a sense of identity and purpose to some degree, even though	也在一定程度上激发了一种认同感和目的感,尽管
1284	it isn't a purpose.	这不是一个目的。
1285	But it makes me feel like people know who I am, and I know who I am.	但使我感觉人们知道我是谁,我知道我是谁。
1286	So as soon as I start changing, my wife went through this.	所以当我开始换衣服,我的妻子经历了这个。
1287	So my wife was someone who was	我妻子就是那个
1288	considered by her friends, family, and people around her that she was unorganized.	她的朋友、家人和周围的人认为她没有组织。
1289	She was	她曾经是
1290	spontaneous, although she's the best time.	虽然她是最好的时机
1291	So my wife is the best energy.	我妻子是最佳的能量,我爱他
1292	She is magnetic.	她是磁学的
1293	Everyone loves her adores her.	每个人都爱她 喜欢她。
1294	She doesn't she didn't used to make plans.	她不习惯做计划。
1295	She didn't have a plan.	她没有计划。
1296	And it was really hard to get a hold of her.	很难找到她
1297	And that's that's the reputation she'd build up.	这就是她积蓄的名声
1298	And	还有
1299	then when she started to change that.	然后当她开始改变这一点。
1300	So when she started to say, Hey, sorry, I can't actually make	所以当她开始说,嘿,对不起,我真的不能做
1301	that I've got work right now.	我现在有工作
1302	Or, do you know what, that day, I've got an event, I can't make it	或者,你知道吗,那天,我有一个活动,我不能做到这一点。
1303	before she was always available, always open, because she didn't have a schedule.	因为她没有日程安排
1304	People	人员
1305	started to make her feel bad about that.	开始让她觉得很难过
1306	Being like, Oh, you've changed.	你变了
1307	Oh, but you always used	哦,但你总是用
1308	to be up for this before.	来参加这个派对
1309	Oh, I realized you're busy too busy for me now.	哦,我意识到你现在忙得太忙了
1310	And it was really	这真的
1311	interesting to watch her go through that because she was doing it for all the right reasons because	看着她经历这一切很有趣 因为她这样做是出于所有正确的理由 因为
1312	she wanted to be someone who was organized, disciplined.	她想成为有组织,有纪律的人
1313	She was always disciplined in	她总是纪律严明
1314	our workouts, but not as much in her work.	我们的锻炼, 但不是在她的工作。
1315	And that shifted for her.	也为她转移了
1316	Now she's extremely productive	现在她很有生产力
1317	and effective and all the rest of them very happy about it.	和有效, 和所有其他人对此非常高兴。
1318	But that changed.	但情况发生了变化。
1319	She had a lot of	她有很多东西
1320	friends who didn't react well to that.	朋友们对此反应不大
1321	And I think that's what people are scared of.	我想这就是人们害怕的。
1322	Does that make	这是否意味着
1323	sense?	感觉呢?
1324	Oh, yeah, I completely identify with that on so many levels.	哦,是的,我完全认同 在许多层面。
1325	So first, I think anyone who's	所以,首先,我认为任何人谁
1326	ever given up drinking has had this exact thing play out.	曾经放弃喝酒 有过这个具体的事情了。
1327	Where everyone in your life suddenly	你生命中的每个人突然间
1328	says like, Come on, like you're a party man.	说,来吧,就像你是一个党人。
1329	Like what's going on with you?	就像你发生了什么事?
1330	Like you're not going	就像你不去一样
1331	to be fun anymore.	成为有趣的了。
1332	And then you have to like, create this new identity of someone who still	然后,你必须喜欢, 创造这个新的身份 一个人仍然
1333	has friends, but doesn't drink.	有朋友,但不会喝酒。
1334	The thing that was really resonant about that for me was that	对于我来说,最令人反感的是
1335	so for a long time, I identified as someone who would almost certainly be a bad mom.	所以很长一段时间以来 我确认一个人 几乎肯定是一个坏妈妈。
1336	I was like,	我当时想,
1337	I am the kind of person who if I ever have a kid, I would mess up my kid because I would be such	我是那种人 如果我有孩子,我会搞砸我的孩子 因为我会这样
1338	a bad mom.	一个坏妈妈。
1339	I'm not fit to have kids.	我不适合有孩子。
1340	I just had this story about myself that like, I can't do it,	我刚刚有个关于我自己的故事 我做不到
1341	even though I kind of wanted to do it.	尽管我有点想这么做
1342	But I was like, No, no, no, like it's not for me.	但我喜欢,不,不,不, 好像它不适合我。
1343	I'm not a	我不是一个
1344	kid person, right?	年轻人,对不对?
1345	And people kind of reinforce this in my life.	人们会加强我的人生
1346	So I remember when I got pregnant,	我记得我怀孕时
1347	my mom told me, I can't imagine you as a mother.	我妈妈告诉我,我不能想象你是一个母亲。
1348	And I think for me, there was like some comfort	我觉得对我来说,好像有些安慰
1349	in that because like having a child is scary.	因为像生孩子一样很可怕
1350	And I'm not saying that everyone should or anything	我不是说每个人都应该什么的
1351	like that.	像这样
1352	But it is a big leap.	但它是一个大跃进。
1353	It's like it feels like a big, it is a huge change in your life.	这感觉就像一个巨大的, 这是一个巨大的改变 你的生活。
1354	And	还有
1355	it's a big decision to make.	这决定很重要
1356	It really like that fear, I was kind of explaining it away by like,	这真的像那种恐惧, 我有点解释它的方式像,
1357	I don't need to make this decision because I won't be a good mom anyway.	我不需要做这个决定 因为我不会是一个好妈妈。
1358	That totally has not	这完全没有
1359	played out.	玩得很开心
1360	Like I'm a great mom.	像我是一个伟大的妈妈。
1361	Like I love my son and I adore him.	就像我爱我儿子,我爱他
1362	The stuff that I thought I	我所认为的东西
1363	wouldn't like about it is the stuff I like the most.	我最喜欢的就是这些
1364	The stuff that I thought I would be best	那些我认为我是最好的东西
1365	at is like, I actually don't find that enjoyable.	我其实不觉得好玩
1366	I always ask myself, like, why did I tell myself	我总是问自己 为什么我告诉自己
1367	for so long that I was certain to be a certain way or that I'm just like doomed to be a bad mom?	如此之久,我确信 一定是一个特定的方式 还是我就像 注定是一个坏妈妈?
1368	I think we get that way about so many things in our lives.	我想我们的生活里有很多事情
1369	And it's counterproductive.	且其逆顺.
1370	Yeah.	对
1371	And it's hard because at one point it's hard because there's a sense of honesty and	很难 因为有一点很难 因为有诚实感
1372	self-awareness at a point in time.	自我意识在某一时刻。
1373	It's when that story becomes finite and fatalistic that	当那个故事变成 有限和宿命主义
1374	it becomes dangerous.	它变得危险。
1375	Right?	对吧?
1376	There have been points in my life where,	我生命中一直有一点
1377	me saying I'm just not the type of entrepreneur	我说我不是那种企业家
1378	that goes on vacation right now has served me.	现在去度假已经为我服务了
1379	But if I'm the entrepreneur forever	但如果我永远是企业家
1380	that never goes on vacation, that is gonna hurt me.	那永远不会去度假, 那会伤害我。
1381	And so I think it's that nuanced balance	所以我觉得这是细微的平衡
1382	between how is this self-awareness	如何是自我意识
1383	but not a self-defeating story.	但不是自负的故事
1384	That's a really hard balance for people to toggle almost	这对人们来说是很难做到的
1385	because it requires so much awareness, honesty,	因为它需要这么多的认识,诚实,
1386	not falling into the extremes.	不要陷入极端。
1387	It just requires, I don't even know what the right word is.	它只是要求, 我什至不知道 什么是正确的词。
1388	Maybe it's maturity.	也许是成熟了
1389	It requires such a maturity to be able to hold an idea	它需要这样一个成熟 能够持有一个想法
1390	and not make it your identity, if that makes sense.	如果这有道理的话 也不要让它成为你的身份
1391	Oh yeah.	对
1392	And the thing you have to keep in mind	还有你必须记住的事
1393	is that people and situations will bring things out in you	人和情况会给你带来东西
1394	that you didn't think were there.	你不认为在那里。
1395	Like very few people before they've ever had a baby	就像很少人生过孩子
1396	like are naturally baby people.	像自然是婴儿的人。
1397	Yeah, makes sense.	是啊,这是有道理的。
1398	And first of all, they're only a baby for a year	首先,他们只是婴儿一年
1399	so you don't even really have to worry about it that much.	所以,你甚至没有真的 担心它这么多。
1400	But I kind of surprised myself that like,	但我有点惊讶自己喜欢,
1401	we bring this little bundle home, a couple of months go by	我们带这个小包回家 几个月过去了
1402	they start kind of being more interactive	他们开始比较互动
1403	and smiley and stuff.	和微笑之类的东西。
1404	And you do, you start singing baby beluga	你唱,你开始唱婴儿白露藻
1405	and cooing at them and cuddling.	并拥抱他们,
1406	You start doing all this stuff	你开始做这些事情
1407	because as you take on social roles	因为当你扮演社会角色时
1408	or as you kind of pursue goals that are important to you,	或者当你追求对你很重要的目标时
1409	you kind of find things within yourself	那种你发现的东西在自己内部
1410	that you didn't think were there before.	之前你以为不存在
1411	Like we kind of have these like latent traits	就像我们有这种潜在的特质
1412	that come out when the moment is right.	当时机成熟时出来
1413	So even if like you don't think of yourself	所以即使你没想过自己
1414	as a certain kind of person,	作为某种人,
1415	you might surprise yourself when that situation comes up.	你可能会惊讶自己 当情况出现。
1416	Yeah, that's what I'm trying to figure out.	是啊,这就是我想弄清楚的。
1417	It's almost not like, because you can't live this	这几乎不是那样的,因为你无法忍受这个
1418	kind of willy-nilly approach to life of just,	那种轻率地对待 公正的生活,
1419	oh, it doesn't matter, I'll figure it out when I get there	哦,没关系,我到那里后再想
1420	because that could be dangerous.	因为这可能很危险
1421	And then at the same time, you can't be the over planner	同时,你也不能成为计划员
1422	and the overwhelmed person	和被压迫的人,
1423	who's trying to get every meticulous detail right of it	谁在试图 得到每一个细微的细节
1424	because certain skills are only gonna come up in the moment.	因为现在才有技能
1425	What is that balance called?	这算什么平衡?
1426	Is there even a word for it?	连个词都没有?
1427	I think this is called social investment theory,	我觉得这叫做社会投资理论
1428	but it's essentially this idea	但其实就是这个主意
1429	that over time situations do change us.	随着时间的推移,情况确实改变了我们。
1430	Like there've been studies that found that as people	就像有研究发现,作为人
1431	get a job that they're really interested in	找份他们真正感兴趣的工作
1432	and become really committed to,	并真正致力于,
1433	they become more conscientious naturally.	他们自然而然地更加自觉。
1434	Of course, they're like learning the skill	当然,他们就像学习技能
1435	in order to do it for their job.	为了他们的工作
1436	After people fall in love,	人们相爱后
1437	they've done studies that found that they become more extroverted	他们的研究发现 他们变得更加外向
1438	and more agreeable because your partner	因为你的搭档
1439	is bringing out those qualities in you.	你身上的这些品质
1440	They're kind of highlighting these good parts of you	他们有点强调你的这些好部分
1441	and saying, look, luckily you have this in you.	并说,你看,幸运的是,你有这个在你身上。
1442	And I think that's really cool.	我觉得这真的很酷。
1443	I think it's good to know that as you take on these roles,	我很高兴知道 当你扮演这些角色时
1444	eventually over time, it's gonna be gradual,	最终会逐渐的
1445	{\fn黑体\fs22\bord1\shad0\3aHBE\4aH00\fscx67\fscy66\2cHFFFFFF\3cH808080}你会变形来迎接这个时刻
1446	And you have to want to do it.	而你必须想要做到这一点。
1447	There's a lot of parents out there who could probably stand	外面有很多父母 他们可能可以忍受
1448	to put more of a concerted effort into it,	做出更多协调一致的努力,
1449	but I do think it's hopeful that situations	但我确实认为这是充满希望的情况
1450	will bring out qualities in us.	将给我们带来品质。
1451	How does this work apply to people in relationships	这项工作如何适用于关系中的人?
1452	where they want their partner to change	他们希望伴侣改变
1453	and you'll hear someone go, I just see their potential.	你会听到有人走了,我只看到他们的潜力。
1454	I knew, I know who they could be.	我知道,我知道他们是谁。
1455	They could really get it together,	他们真的可以凑合起来的
1456	but they don't see it in themselves.	但他们自己看不到
1457	Yeah.	对
1458	If someone's thinking that way,	如果有人这样想
1459	how would you encourage them to think about change?	你会如何鼓励他们考虑改变?
1460	I really wish I had written a chapter of this book	我真希望我写了这本书的一章
1461	called How to Change Your Partner	如何改变你的搭档
1462	because every single interviewer has asked me that question	因为每个采访者都问我这个问题
1463	and I don't really have a good answer	我也没有一个好答案
1464	because we haven't really studied how to change other people.	因为我们没有真正研究 如何改变别人。
1465	This is the brick wall that all of society	这是全社会的砖墙
1466	bangs their head against,	撞着他们的头
1467	which is that we all wish our partners were a certain way	也就是我们都希望我们的伙伴们是某种方式
1468	and that our partners are never gonna be that way completely.	而我们的合作伙伴永远不会完全如此
1469	So first of all, any profound and serious change over time	所以,首先,任何深刻和严重的变化 随着时间的推移
1470	has to come from within, right?	必须来自内部,对不对?
1471	If you really wanna make someone less anxious saying,	如果你真的想让别人 更不急于说,
1472	just calm down, stop worrying, it doesn't work.	冷静点,别担心,这样不行
1473	They have to wanna be less anxious.	他们必须减少焦虑
1474	For some of the skills though, or for some of the traits,	但对于一些技能, 或一些特征,
1475	it can be something where maybe you introduce your partner	也许可以让你介绍你的搭档
1476	to some of the tools	对一些工具
1477	that will help them be more conscientious.	这会帮助他们更加自觉。
1478	Maybe you start an exercise program together, for example.	比如说你们一起开始一个运动程序
1479	Maybe you start, hey, let's both set a time every week	或许你开始吧,嘿,我们每周都安排一次
1480	where we're gonna sync up our calendars	我们在哪里会同步我们的日历
1481	and figure out who needs to be where when.	并找出谁需要在哪里何时。
1482	You can do these like little tools and strategies	你可以做这些 像小工具和策略
1483	to kind of move them closer,	使他们更加亲近,
1484	especially to conscientiousness.	特别是出于良心
1485	This has been found to work well	已经发现这很有效
1486	{\fn黑体\fs22\bord1\shad0\3aHBE\4aH00\fscx67\fscy66\2cHFFFFFF\3cH808080}就像你在后台上一样
1487	and it just kind of works.	它只是有点工作。
1488	They don't have to really want it.	他们不需要真的想要它。
1489	It's hard because in order to keep that going,	这很难 因为为了保持这个过程
1490	in order to go on a run without you,	为了在没有你的情况下逃跑
1491	they have to want to do it.	他们必须这样做。
1492	People want different things in life.	人们希望生活中有不同的东西.
1493	That's like part of what motivates personality change	这就像促使人格改变的一部分
1494	and what motivates everything else.	是什么激励了其他一切。
1495	You could try asking them if they seem to be	你可以试着问他们 如果他们似乎
1496	living in accordance with their values.	根据他们的价值观生活。
1497	It's like, hey, you said that you really wanted	就像,嘿,你说 你真的想要
1498	to exercise this year and we haven't done anything in weeks.	我们几周没做任何事了
1499	Do you feel like we're exercising enough?	你觉得我们锻炼够了吗?
1500	Like you could do some motivational interviewing.	就像你可以做一些激励性面试。
1501	But ultimately, people have to find it in themselves	但归根结底,人们必须自己找到它
1502	to do the things that are good for them.	做一些对他们有益的事
1503	Yeah, people don't change for people.	是啊,人不会为人而改变。
1504	No.	没有
1505	They change for themselves.	他们为自己而改变。
1506	Yeah, yeah.	对 对
1507	And they change when they want to,	当他们想改变时,
1508	they change how they want to,	他们改变自己的想法,
1509	and they change at their pace and their time.	他们依自己的速度和时间而变化。
1510	And this idea that you have the power to change anyone,	你有权改变任何人
1511	if you just stop for a moment and thought about	如果你停下来一阵子想
1512	how hard it's been to change yourself,	改变自己有多难
1513	you'd immediately realize that you have zero power	你会立刻意识到你没有力量
1514	over anyone else.	超过任何人。
1515	And the reason why you're being asked about everyone	你被问及每个人的原因
1516	is because I think it's the biggest myth	因为我认为这是最大的神话
1517	because we think that if we can see someone's potential,	因为我们觉得如果我们能看到某人的潜力
1518	we can change them.	我们可以改变它们。
1519	We think that if we can see someone's amazing future,	我们认为如果我们能看到某人的奇妙未来
1520	we can change them.	我们可以改变它们。
1521	And we think if we can see what someone could be	我们想,如果我们能看到 什么样的人
1522	and achieve that we're somehow holier than them	我们比他们更神圣
1523	for seeing that,	因为看到这一点,
1524	and we think of it as well-intentioned,	我们以为那是善意的,
1525	but actually it's not because well-intention means	但其实不是因为好意
1526	I let you become who you want to become,	我让你成为你想成为的人
1527	and I accept that that's who you are.	我承认这就是你
1528	And sometimes it's painful because you can truly see	有时候很痛苦 因为你能真正看到
1529	what someone's capable of,	一个人的能力,
1530	and that can be well-intentioned,	这确是善意的,
1531	but until they really believe they want that for themselves,	但直到他们真正相信 他们希望自己,
1532	it really doesn't matter.	这真的没关系。
1533	And that is one of the most painful things to watch	这是最痛苦的事情之一
1534	is someone lose out on their potential.	有人失去了他们的潜力。
1535	Yeah, I mean, and you can talk to any relative of an addict	我是说 你可以跟瘾君子的亲戚谈谈
1536	or anyone who sees a clear path for someone	或为别人看见一条明路的人,
1537	and they won't take it.	他们不会接受的。
1538	It's very hard to make other people do things	很难让别人做事
1539	that you think are good.	你觉得很好
1540	How does someone who's more pessimistic and negative	更悲观和消极的人
1541	and is listening to us right now and thinking,	并且正在听我们说话 并思考,
1542	Olga, I want to become more of an optimistic	奥尔加,我想更加乐观
1543	or at least realistic person, where do I start?	或者至少现实的人, 我从哪里开始?
1544	How does that personality change look?	性格如何改变?
1545	Well, you've come to the right place	你来对地方了
1546	because I am very negative and pessimistic.	因为我非常消极和悲观。
1547	I would say I still am, even despite this huge project	尽管这个大项目,我还是要说
1548	that I did where I really, really tried to change myself.	我做了我真正, 真正试图改变自己。
1549	So something that I came across	我发现的东西
1550	that was really helpful for this	这真的有帮助
1551	is the work of Tracy Dennis Tawari,	是崔西·丹尼斯·塔瓦里的作品
1552	who's a psychologist who studies anxiety.	他是一个心理学家 谁研究焦虑。
1553	And a big thing, kind of an idea that I had about my anxiety	还有一件大事 我对我的焦虑有个想法
1554	was that I need anxiety to kind of help me avoid bad stuff.	我需要焦虑来帮我避免坏事
1555	I will screw up and not get where I need to be	我会把事情搞砸,不会得到我该去的地方
1556	or mess things up unless I stay really anxious and vigilant.	或把事情搞砸,除非我保持 真正的焦虑和警惕。
1557	And eventually what that would do	最终会怎么样
1558	is turn into just constantly worrying	变成一直担心的
1559	and constantly being in a negative space	在阴暗的空间中,
1560	where I was never really enjoying anything	我从来没有真正享受过什么
1561	because I was worrying about the next thing.	因为我担心接下来的事
1562	So anxiety, you can worry.	所以焦虑,你可以担心。
1563	You can think about the things that could go wrong.	你可以考虑那些可能出错的事
1564	If you're putting in an offer on a house	如果你在房子上开价
1565	or trying to get a new job or whatever you're doing,	或者想找份新工作 或者你在做什么
1566	you can think about like,	你可以考虑...
1567	oh, how could this interview go wrong, right?	哦,这面试怎么会出错,对不对?
1568	But also think about how it could go right.	也考虑一下怎样才能正确
1569	Really most things in life,	生活中的很多东西
1570	some things go wrong and some things go right,	有些事情不对劲 有些事情不对劲
1571	like what we were saying earlier.	就像我们刚才说的
1572	And you can actually make a list of your worries	你其实可以列出你的担心
1573	of things that could go wrong with this,	可能出错的事情,
1574	but then make another column of things	然后再造一列东西
1575	that could go right with this.	那样就可以了
1576	And how will I try to move more of these	我将如何尝试移动更多的这些
1577	into this other column?	进入另一栏?
1578	Because it is, it's unrealistic	因为它是,这是不现实的
1579	{\fn黑体\fs22\bord1\shad0\3aHBE\4aH00\fscx67\fscy66\2cHFFFFFF\3cH808080}只考虑消极因素
1580	because some amount of things will go well.	因为有些事情会顺利的
1581	Or even if some of those bad things happen,	即使有些坏事发生
1582	there might be good in them	他们也许有好的一面
1583	or things that are maybe not so bad as you feared.	或事情也许没那么糟糕 你担心。
1584	So I would just, I call it reverse worrying.	所以我叫它反向担忧
1585	And it's just, it's not just like positive thinking.	而只是,这不仅仅是像积极的想法。
1586	I'm sure everything will be fine.	我相信一切都会好起来的
1587	It's just some things will be fine.	只是有些事情会好起来的
1588	Yeah.	对
1589	And I like the idea of consciously having	我喜欢有意识地拥有
1590	to think about those.	想想这些。
1591	Again, it's just rewiring those thoughts	再说一遍,只是把那些想法重现
1592	that are so habituated to constantly pull you	如此习惯于不断拉动你
1593	in that negative cycle.	在消极的循环中。
1594	And you're right, it isn't this false toxic positivity	你说的对,这不是假的毒性
1595	because that isn't helpful or healthy at all.	因为这根本无济于事
1596	And it does take a lot of practice and repetition	这需要很多练习和重复
1597	because yeah, you're likely to wake up in the morning	因为是的,你很可能早上醒来
1598	and the first thought you have is, oh, I'm so tired.	你第一个想法是 我太累了
1599	Just don't want to get out of bed.	只是不想从床上下来
1600	And so your first thought of the day	所以你对今天的初衷
1601	is a negative pessimistic one,	是一个负面的悲观,
1602	as opposed to an optimistic, thoughtful one of,	而不是一个乐观的,深思熟虑的,
1603	all right, I'm glad I got six hours last night, you know,	好吧 我很高兴我昨晚有六个小时
1604	or okay, well, yeah, I didn't get enough sleep last night.	我昨晚睡得不够
1605	Let me get a bed early tonight.	我今晚早点睡吧
1606	Whatever that may be could make the shift.	不管有什么变化
1607	What about someone who's feeling like	那一个感觉像
1608	they're a people pleaser and they want to set boundaries,	他们是一个人民取悦 他们想要划定界限,
1609	but they struggle with it because they're scared	却因为害怕而挣扎
1610	of being seen as selfish or assertive.	被视作自私或自信。
1611	How did they start making that shift?	他们是如何开始做这种转变的?
1612	I've really had to apply this with parenting,	我不得不用这个来做父母
1613	but you can kind of, in a way,	但你可以在某种程度上
1614	you can kind of parent people around you, not literally,	你可以做父母 而不是从字面上
1615	but you can kind of like use some of the tools	但你可以喜欢使用一些工具
1616	from parenting with other people,	从父母与他人,
1617	which is make people feel heard.	这让人感觉有耳闻
1618	Like if someone's upset with you about something,	就像有人对你有些不高兴一样
1619	to give you an example,	以你们为例,
1620	I had a friend who texted me to say that she wanted me	我有个朋友给我发短信 说她想要我
1621	to check in with her via text message at least once a week	每周至少一次通过短信联系她
1622	and that we were not going to be friends	我们不会成为朋友
1623	unless I text check-in with her once a week.	除非我每周给她发一次短信
1624	And I don't like texting.	我不喜欢发短信
1625	It's a very like a scheduling platform for me,	这是一个非常像 排程平台对我来说,
1626	not a like emotional one, and I just don't like it.	不是那种感情上的人 我只是不喜欢
1627	And so at the time I sort of was like,	所以当时我有点像,
1628	because it was before this project, I was like,	因为在这个项目之前 我就想
1629	oh, of course, I'll do whatever you want.	哦,当然,我会做任何你想要的。
1630	People please, right?	人们请,对不对?
1631	I'll text you every week.	我每周都会给你发短信
1632	And of course I did it twice and then forgot	当然,我做了两次,然后忘了
1633	because I don't actually like doing it.	因为我不喜欢这样做。
1634	So what I learned from Miriam Kurmeier,	我从米里亚姆·库尔迈耶那里学到的
1635	who's like a friendship expert,	像一个友谊专家,
1636	is you can say like, hey, I hear you.	你能说,嘿,我听到你。
1637	You feel like I'm not checking in with you enough.	你感觉我还没跟你联系够
1638	You feel like we're not connected.	你觉得我们之间没有联系
1639	I totally get that.	我完全明白这一点。
1640	The thing is I really don't like texting people	问题是我真的不喜欢给别人发短信
1641	in order to have conversations.	为了有谈话。
1642	It interrupts my workflow.	它打断了我的工作流程。
1643	Is there another way that we can do this	还有别的办法可以做到吗?
1644	that will meet your underlying need	满足你的基本需要
1645	{\fn黑体\fs22\bord1\shad0\3aHBE\4aH00\fscx67\fscy66\2cHFFFFFF\3cH808080}在这种友谊中被看到 {\fn黑体\fs22\bord1\shad0\3aHBE\4aH00\fscx67\fscy66\2cHFFFFFF\3cH808080}被检查
1646	and going through this hard thing,	并经历这个艰难的事情,
1647	with me checking on you,	我检查你,
1648	but not require me to use this platform	但不要求我用这个平台
1649	that I really don't like to do this thing	我真的不喜欢这样做
1650	that I really feel like it's not well-equipped for?	我真的觉得它不合适吗?
1651	Maybe we could schedule a weekly phone call.	也许我们可以安排每周的电话
1652	Maybe we could go for a walk.	也许我们可以去散步。
1653	Maybe we could do this other list of activities.	也许我们可以做其他的活动
1654	There's almost always a solution like that	几乎总有这样的办法
1655	where you're meeting the underlying need,	在那里你正在满足 基本的需求,
1656	but you're not doing it in this way	但你没有这样做
1657	that is like not workable for you.	这对你来说是行不通的。
1658	I love that because it is an underlying need.	我喜欢它,因为它是一个根本的需要。
1659	That person doesn't really want a text every week.	那个人每周都不想要短信
1660	No.	没有
1661	That's them trying to find the bare minimum way	他们就是想找到最简单的办法
1662	to keep you in their life.	让你留在他们的生活中
1663	That's really what they're doing is,	这就是他们在做什么,
1664	what's the least I can ask for	我至少能问什么
1665	to try and keep this person alive in my life?	试图让这个人在我生命中活着?
1666	But what I actually want is a really meaningful conversation	但我真正想要的是一个真正有意义的对话
1667	once a month on the phone or in person,	每月一次电话或亲自通话,
1668	where we go out for dinner or have tea or whatever it may be.	我们出去吃晚饭或者喝茶,或者什么的
1669	And that's what I'm really looking for.	这就是我真正想要的。
1670	And I think the more our relationships	我觉得我们的关系越多
1671	go to solving the underlying need,	解决基本需要,
1672	the less bitter we'll feel around,	越少的苦,我们会觉得周围,
1673	hey, but I texted you every week	嘿,但我每星期给你发短信
1674	and you still don't feel close to me.	你仍然感觉不亲近我
1675	I remember one of my friends said to me,	我记得我的朋友对我说
1676	she said, I just don't spend any time with my partner.	她说,我只是不花任何时间 与我的伴侣。
1677	And I said, well, he just told me	我说,他只是告诉我
1678	you guys went away last weekend.	你们上周走了
1679	And she said, yeah, but he was reading a book	她说,是的,但他在读一本书
1680	or the news or whatever it was.	或新闻或什么的。
1681	And I was trying to entertain the kids	我试图娱乐孩子们
1682	and we didn't spend any time together.	我们没有花任何时间在一起。
1683	And I was like, well, the underlying need is	我当时想,嗯,基本需要是
1684	alone time, presence, connection.	独处时间,存在,连接。
1685	It's not time.	现在不是时间。
1686	You did have time together.	你们确实有时间在一起。
1687	You were both in the same place at the same time,	你们同时在同一地点
1688	but the underlying need is wanting connection	但根本的需要是需要连接
1689	in a safe space.	在一个安全的空间。
1690	And probably, and it's asking that person,	很可能,它问那个人,
1691	what is the underlying need?	根本需求是什么?
1692	And all of a sudden you start to realize it's eye contact.	突然间你意识到这是眼睛接触。
1693	It's vulnerability.	即是虚弱.
1694	It's being able to share something	它能够分享一些东西
1695	that I've been struggling with.	我一直在挣扎。
1696	And I find that no one ever communicates that.	我发现没人会说这个
1697	We always communicate as like,	我们总是像交流一样
1698	oh, can we just see each other once a week?	哦,我们能不能每周见一次面?
1699	And that's not really what you're looking for.	这其实不是你想要的
1700	Yeah, and this also works, I found,	是啊,这也工作,我发现,
1701	with political disagreements.	与政治分歧。
1702	So when someone just comes at you,	所以当有人来找你时
1703	I have people in my life who I really disagree with	我生命中有我不同意的人
1704	politically on very important issues.	在政治上,在非常重要的问题上。
1705	When someone comes at you and just starts ranting at you	当有人冲你过来 对你大吼大叫
1706	about their worldview that you don't agree with,	关于他们的世界观 你不同意,
1707	often it's because they are making a bid for connection.	经常是因为他们在争取连接
1708	They're like, hey, this thing is so important to me.	他们喜欢,嘿, 这件事对我很重要。
1709	Is it important to you too?	这对你也很重要吗?
1710	They're trying to get you into their world.	他们试图让你进入他们的世界。
1711	And once you see that, it becomes less about	一旦你看到,它变得更少
1712	this person is my political enemy	这个人是我的政治敌人
1713	and more about this person wants to establish a friendship.	这个人更想建立友谊
1714	Let's find something else to base it on	我们找别的东西做基础
1715	because we don't agree on this.	因为我们不同意这一点。
1716	But it can become almost like a friendly thing	但它可能变得几乎 像友好的事情
1717	as opposed to this political fight.	而不是这种政治斗争。
1718	That's a really beautiful, nuanced point	这是一个非常漂亮,细微的点
1719	of if you notice people's conversations	如果你注意到人们的谈话
1720	as a expression of them inviting you into their world,	他们邀请你进入他们的世界,
1721	which is often what it is,	这常常是,
1722	you start realizing it's actually not that much of a,	你开始意识到这其实不是太多的a,
1723	it doesn't have some deep agenda or something.	它没有什么深层的议程什么的。
1724	It's just them saying, this is what I think about.	只是他们说, 这就是我的想法。
1725	It's really tough because we're all so busy	实在是太难了,因为我们都很忙
1726	and moving so fast that when you see something	移动如此之快 当你看到一些东西
1727	you don't like or doesn't,	你不喜欢或不喜欢,
1728	and I think that's what we've got to in society today	我想这就是我们今天在社会上必须做的
1729	is if I see a message or someone posts something	如果我看到消息或有人贴出什么
1730	on their stories that I don't like,	他们的故事 我不喜欢,
1731	I start labeling them as someone	我开始把他们贴成一个人
1732	that I don't wanna interact with	我不想与你互动
1733	rather than seeing that person as just a human	而不是把那个人看成人类
1734	who's expressing their thoughts, beliefs,	他们表达他们的想法,信仰,
1735	and things they're interested in.	他们感兴趣的事
1736	Exactly.	没错
1737	And we just don't have the timing capacity for that.	而我们只是没有 时间能力。
1738	I was gonna ask, can an introvert	我本来想问的,能不能做个内向
1739	actually become an extrovert if they want to?	如果他们想成为外向者?
1740	So I think they can,	所以我认为他们可以,
1741	but I would recommend against thinking of yourself	但我建议不要考虑你自己
1742	as a pure introvert or extrovert.	作为纯粹的内向或外向.
1743	It's really uncommon to be all the way to one end	一直走到一端真不寻常
1744	or the other of introversion and extroversion.	或者是另一个内向和外向
1745	Let's say you are quite introverted though,	假设你很有内向
1746	like you would basically consider yourself	就像你基本上会考虑自己
1747	almost all the way introverted.	几乎都是内向的
1748	I think it is possible to become extroverted,	我认为它有可能 变得外向,
1749	but it's gonna take a lot of work.	但这需要很多工作。
1750	It's gonna take a lot of effort.	将须大力.
1751	I think I kind of realized that I was more extroverted	我想我有点意识到 我更外向
1752	than I maybe was thinking at the beginning of this project.	比起这个项目开始时我想的还要多
1753	Like I kind of found that when I didn't go to improv,	就像我发现,当我没有去即兴表演,
1754	I would really miss it.	我真的会想念它。
1755	Or when I didn't go to my little silly meetups,	或者当我没有去 我的小愚蠢的聚会,
1756	I was kind of like, the weekend felt a little empty.	周末感觉有点空虚
1757	So I would kind of avoid categorizing yourself	所以我会避免把自己分类
1758	and I would just see what it feels like	我就会看看是什么感觉
1759	to have more social interaction than you're used to.	拥有比以前更多的社会互动
1760	But let's say it doesn't feel amazing.	但是,让我们假设它不觉得惊人。
1761	Let's say it is actually quite exhausting	这么说吧 实在太累人了
1762	and you're like, I do need that quiet time alone	而你喜欢,我确实需要 安静的时间孤独
1763	to recharge.	去充电。
1764	There's this concept called free traits	有个概念叫做自由的特质
1765	that some psychologists have,	一些心理学家,
1766	which is that rather than permanently changing	而不是永久改变
1767	to where it's like, I'm a total extrovert	我是一个完全的外向者
1768	in every situation, I wanna talk to people,	在每一个情况, 我想与人交谈,
1769	you kind of learn the ability to kind of try on	你学会了尝试的能力
1770	this personality trait.	这种个性特质。
1771	It's almost like an invisibility cloak or something	就像隐形的外衣之类的
1772	where you can kind of put on extroversion	在那里,你可以 某种地进行外向
1773	and then do whatever it is you need to do	然后做你该做的
1774	with that extroversion.	与这种外向。
1775	So a lot of times college professors will do this	所以很多时候大学教授会这么做
1776	because they have to give these interesting lectures.	因为他们必须给这些有趣的讲座。
1777	But the way they got to where they are	但是,他们的方式 他们得到了他们在哪里
1778	is because they're good at reading papers	因为他们擅长阅读论文
1779	for 12 hours at a time.	一次12小时。
1780	So they're usually, they are pretty introverted	所以他们通常都相当内向
1781	还有Brian Little 他确实说过
1782	that he puts on extroversion.	他把外泄。
1783	He puts on the free trait of extroversion,	他把自由的外向特征,
1784	goes out and gives his lecture	出去讲课
1785	and then he has to go hide by himself.	然后他必须自己躲起来
1786	He can't stay in that room in glad hand.	他不能在那个房间里呆着 快乐的手。
1787	He has to go retreat and kind of restore	他必须撤退,恢复原貌
1788	to his introversion.	他的内向。
1789	So that's another way to think about it.	所以这是另一种思考方法。
1790	I think that's still personality change	我觉得这还是个性改变
1791	because it's still allowing you to meet your goals	因为它仍然允许你实现你的目标
1792	that you have and it's not permanent.	这是你拥有的,它不是永久的。
1793	But to anyone who talks to him, he would be an extrovert.	但对于任何和他说话的人来说,他会是一个外向者.
1794	And it's just reconciling that with,	它只是调和这一点,
1795	again, I just see this challenge	再说一遍,我只是看到这个挑战
1796	that we have with that today, which I don't think is,	我们今天有, 我不认为是,
1797	it's valid, but it's not justified,	这是有效的,但它没有正当理由,
1798	this idea of, oh, but that's inauthentic.	这个想法,哦, 但这是不正确的。
1799	You're just using, you're just manipulating something	你只是用,你只是操纵的东西
1800	or you're adopting a skill.	或者你正在接受一个技能。
1801	And it's like, well, no, we all have to have skills at work	就像,嗯,不,我们都得有工作技能
1802	that we don't use at home, right?	我们不在家里使用,对不对?
1803	You're not that person at work	你不是那个工作的人
1804	and you wouldn't try and organize your family	你也不会试图组织你的家人
1805	in the way you project manage at work.	工作管理的方式
1806	And it's not inauthentic to turn that off at home.	在家关掉它不是不正确的
1807	It's normal to do that.	常作么生会.
1808	And so yes, if you need to develop communication skills	所以,是的,如果你需要发展 沟通技能
1809	to get promoted, that's a healthy investment	要升职, 这是一个健康的投资
1810	because that's an important part of your life if it is.	因为这是你生活的重要部分
1811	And those skills will probably come in handy at home	这些技能可能在家里有用
1812	and in your personal life too.	在你的个人生活中
1813	Oh, totally, yeah.	哦,当然,是的。
1814	Yeah, so it's almost like how do we start looking at life	是啊,所以它几乎像 我们如何开始看生活
1815	as the accumulation of skills and abilities	作为技能和能力的积累
1816	and traits and habits,	特质和习惯,
1817	as opposed to shifting our entire identity because of that.	而不是改变我们的全部身份
1818	Just in the same ways, if you wore color today,	同样的,如果你今天穿颜色,
1819	you're now not someone who just wears color.	你现在不是只穿颜色的人了
1820	Exactly, yeah.	没错
1821	But it's weird how the mind kind of plays that trick	但是,这很奇怪 心灵如何玩弄那招
1822	in saying, oh, I'm just people pleasing	说,哦,我只是人们喜欢
1823	or I'm just shape-shifting,	或者我只是变形,
1824	which I think has become such a worry today.	我认为今天已经变得如此担忧。
1825	Yeah, or masking people.	对,或者蒙面
1826	I've heard about people saying I'm masking	听说有人说我在伪装
1827	if I'm doing anything functional.	如果我在做任何工作的话
1828	Yeah.	对
1829	No, I mean, we are all masking to some extent.	不,我的意思是,我们都 掩盖了某种程度。
1830	I have to go on the radio sometimes	我有时得去收音机
1831	and that's definitely, I don't talk all the time.	这绝对是, 我不常说话。
1832	我谈NPR。
1833	We all have different ways of presenting ourselves	我们都有不同的表达方式
1834	depending on the situation.	根据情况而定。
1835	Yeah, definitely.	当然
1836	I wanted to ask you the last few sections a question.	我想问你最后几节的问题
1837	How does this apply to people who are diagnosed	这如何适用于确诊者?
1838	with depression or ADHD?	抑郁症还是ADHD?
1839	Can they also change that through this work	他们能否通过这项工作改变这一点?
1840	or is that very different?	或这是非常不同的?
1841	There's actually been this push in psychology	心理学确实有这种推力
1842	to identify the personality traits that are associated	识别相关人格特征
1843	with things like depression and ADHD.	包括抑郁症和ADHD
1844	So my depression score went way down	所以我的抑郁症得分大大下降
1845	with changing neuroticism.	神经病的改变
1846	Neuroticism and depression and anxiety	神经病、抑郁症和焦虑症
1847	are very closely linked.	它们是紧密相连的。
1848	A lot of these things that we think of	我们想的很多事情
1849	as sort of mental illnesses or mental health conditions	精神疾病或精神健康状况
1850	actually have a personality trait component to them.	对他们来说,实际上有个性特征
1851	和MBSR, 我上课,
1852	actually has gone head to head with Lexapro,	其实已经与莱克萨普罗头目,
1853	the antidepressant, and it works just as well.	抗抑郁药也一样有效
1854	So in some ways, changing-	所以在某些方面,改变...
1855	Really?	真的吗?
1856	Yeah.	对
1857	Wow.	珃
1858	So in some ways, changing your personality traits	所以在某些方面,改变你的个性特征
1859	can address some of these, whatever you wanna call them,	能够解决其中的一些问题, 无论你想称之为什么,
1860	mental health conditions that you might not be thrilled with	心理健康状况,你可能不高兴
1861	to have in your life.	在你的生活中拥有。
1862	So if it is depression,	所以,如果这是抑郁,
1863	something like meditation or therapy	比如冥想或治疗
1864	can really go a great deal to addressing that.	能够解决这个问题。
1865	If it's something like ADHD,	如果它是类似ADHD的东西,
1866	some people think that's just a form	有些人认为这只是一种形式
1867	of low conscientiousness.	低贱的良心。
1868	So if you think about it,	所以,如果你考虑一下,
1869	it's just not having the systems in place	只是没有系统
1870	to remember where your stuff is and where you need to be	记住你的东西在哪里 需要在哪里
1871	and what's on your calendar.	和你的日历上的东西。
1872	So a lot of the therapists who work with adults with ADHD	所以很多治疗师都和成年人一起工作
1873	basically just give them the tools	基本上只是给他们的工具
1874	that they use for conscientiousness.	以便他们自觉。
1875	So it's like, here's a Google calendar.	这就像,这里是一个谷歌日历。
1876	Fill it out with every single thing	用每样东西填出来
1877	you need to do this week.	这周你需要做。
1878	Here's Todoist, it's an app that I use.	这是托多主义者,我用的应用程序。
1879	Here's a clock that you can set 15 minutes at a time.	这里有一个时钟,可以每次设定15分钟.
1880	It's coming up with the tools	工具来了
1881	that people use to change personality traits too.	人们用来改变人格特征
1882	And there's actually a new effort	其实还有新的努力
1883	to treat a borderline personality disorder,	治疗边缘人格障碍,
1884	which is a mental condition.	这是精神状况
1885	It also has a personality component, obviously,	它也有个性成分,很明显,
1886	by changing personality traits.	通过改变个性特征
1887	It's using some of the strategies in the book	它用的是书中的一些策略
1888	and through therapy to actually shift people's levels	通过治疗 改变人们的水平
1889	of agreeableness and so forth and actually help cure BPD.	帮助治疗BPD。
1890	Yeah, I think we're just living at that time right now	是啊,我想我们只是 生活在那个时候,现在
1891	where it feels like work to go to MBSR or to therapy	喜欢工作去MBSR或治疗
1892	and you don't actually end up having any skills, right?	你最终没有技能,对吧?
1893	Like with the pill, you don't change your reality.	就像吃药一样,你不会改变现实
1894	You're numbing something or you're better at dealing with it	你在麻木什么 或者你更擅长处理
1895	or there's a sense of this doesn't worry me anymore,	或者有种感觉 不再让我担心了
1896	but there's not really an expansion of ability and skill.	但是能力和技能并没有真正扩展.
1897	And I mean, I'm mindful of the fact that people	我的意思是,我注意到的事实,人
1898	are on very, very different levels and may need it,	处于非常,非常不同的水平 并且可能需要它,
1899	but it's quite fascinating to hear that MBSR	但听到MBSR很吸引人
1900	has that ability and similar scores.	有这种能力 和类似的分数。
1901	Yeah, and what you have to keep in mind is that,	是的,你必须记住的是,
1902	and I'm pro antidepressants, whatever works for people,	我赞成抗抑郁药 不管对人们有什么作用
1903	but they can reach a point	但他们可以达到一个点
1904	where they don't work very well anymore,	在那里,他们的工作 不再很好,
1905	but the skills that you learn through something	但通过一些东西学习的技能
1906	like meditation, mindfulness,	像冥想一样,
1907	even like a cognitive behavioral therapy,	甚至像一种认知行为疗法,
1908	they'll be with you through life,	他们将永远和你在一起,
1909	even when you don't have your Xanax handy or whatever.	即使你没有麻醉剂什么的
1910	So it's something I recommend maybe doing even in tandem	所以,我建议也许可以同时做
1911	with whatever antidepressant.	任何抗抑郁药。
1912	We end every episode of On Purpose with a final five.	我们以最后5集结束"目的"的每一集
1913	So these questions have to be answered	所以这些问题必须回答
1914	in one word to one sentence maximum.	一个字到一个句子最多。
1915	So Olga, Hazan, these are your final five.	所以奥尔加,哈赞 这是你的最后五个
1916	Question number one is what is the best advice	问题一是什么是最好的建议
1917	you've ever heard or received?	你听说过还是收到过?
1918	And you can apply it all to personality in your world.	你可以把这些都应用到 你世界的个性。
1919	So what is the best advice you've ever heard or received?	你听过或收到过最好的建议是什么?
1920	Go work at a place that will let you do	去一个可以让你工作的地方工作
1921	exactly what you wanna be doing,	这正是你想做的事
1922	even if it's a very small establishment.	即使它是一个很小的机构。
1923	Question number two,	第二问题
1924	what is the worst advice you've ever heard or received?	你听过或收到的最差的建议是什么?
1925	That if something is difficult, it's not worth doing.	如果有些事情是困难的,那不值得做。
1926	Question number three, what's something that	第三个问题是什么
1927	you used to think was true about personality,	你曾经认为人格是真实的
1928	but now you've changed your mind on it?	但你现在改变主意了?
1929	I used to think that your birth order	我以前觉得你的出生顺序
1930	was the most important thing	是最重要的东西
1931	that determined your personality.	这决定了你的个性。
1932	Interesting.	有意思,这很有趣
1933	And it is actually not at all important.	这其实并不重要。
1934	Let's talk about that, because people feel like,	让我们谈谈,因为人们觉得,
1935	oh, from the first child or the third child	哦,从第一个孩子或第三个孩子
1936	or this middle child.	或者这个中间的孩子
1937	Eldest daughter, yeah.	最爱的女儿,是的。
1938	None of that stuff's real?	这些都不是真的?
1939	No.	没有
1940	Wow.	珃
1941	There are some gender effects,	有一些性别影响,
1942	so that you could be picking up on like	这样你就能像
1943	being a daughter versus a son,	当女儿和儿子
1944	but the birth order, it's very negligible.	但是,出生顺序, 这是非常微不足道的。
1945	It's extremely small.	极细小.
1946	Question number four,	第四问题
1947	what is the biggest change that you've seen in yourself	你所看到的最大的变化是什么?
1948	going on this journey that you're most grateful for	踏上你最感激的旅程
1949	now looking back?	现在回头看?
1950	Oh, it's that I think I need to connect with other people	哦,我想我需要和别人联系
1951	in order to be happy.	为了快乐
1952	And you didn't used to believe that?	你以前不相信吗?
1953	No, I used to think that I could just be	不,我曾经认为我可以
1954	a little astronaut in space	一个太空小宇航员
1955	and never talk to anyone and be totally fine.	永远不要和任何人说话 和完全罚款。
1956	I think I, especially as a new mom,	我想我,特别是作为一个新妈妈,
1957	I joined a bunch of new moms groups	我加入了一群新妈妈团体
1958	and I really need those.	我真的需要这些。
1959	You can't do it alone.	不能独行.
1960	I love that.	我喜欢
1961	Fifth and final question,	第五个也是最后一个问题,
1962	we ask this to every guest who's ever been on the show.	我们向所有参加过节目的客人问这个
1963	If you could create one law	如果你能创立一个法律
1964	that everyone in the world had to follow,	全世界每个人都必须遵循
1965	what would it be?	会是什么?
1966	No flaking on plans at the last minute.	计划最后一刻不准乱动
1967	What's with that?	这是怎么回事?
1968	I love it when someone cancels on me.	我喜欢有人取消我的工作
1969	It's like such a-	就像这样...
1970	Oh, you have the joy of missing out.	哦,你有 错过的快乐。
1971	I never cancel last minute because I'm not that guy,	我从来没有取消最后一分钟 因为我不是那个家伙,
1972	but I love someone canceling on me last minute.	但我爱有人取消我的最后一分钟。
1973	No, and it's always like, you know, I just can't today.	不,它总是 像,你知道,我只是不能今天。
1974	It's like, yes, you can.	这就像,是的,你可以。
1975	You do it every other day.	你每隔一天就这么做
1976	Like, come on.	喜欢,来吧。
1977	I love it.	我喜欢它。
1978	There has to be some punishment for that then,	一定有一些惩罚,
1979	if you break that law.	如果你触犯了法律
1980	I know hanging out with that person for a whole week.	我知道和那个人一起待了一个星期
1981	I don't know.	师曰.
1982	I don't know what the punishment would be.	我不知道惩罚会是什么
1983	I love it.	我喜欢它。
1984	Everyone, the book is called	各位,这本书叫做
1985	Me But Better, The Science and Promise	但我更好,科学与承诺
1986	of Personality Change by Olga Hazan.	由奥尔加·哈赞(Olga Hazan)编剧,"人格改变".
1987	I hope you've enjoyed this conversation.	我希望你喜欢这次谈话
1988	Make sure you share your favorite reflections,	确保你分享你最喜欢的反射,
1989	the experiments you're trying,	你在尝试的实验
1990	the takeaways from the book as you're reading it.	在你读这本书时 从书里带走的东西
1991	请把它们贴到Instagram上 和TikTok上
1992	I love seeing all your stories and reels	我喜欢看到你所有的故事和录像
1993	to see what resonates with you.	看看你有什么共鸣
1994	Olga, thank you so much for coming on the show again.	奥尔加 非常感谢你再次光临节目
1995	It's been wonderful to meet you	很高兴见到你
1996	and thank you so much for helping us.	非常感谢你的帮助
1997	Teach us how to be ourselves but better.	教我们如何成为自己,但更好。
1998	So thank you so much.	非常感谢
1999	Yeah, thank you so much.	是的,非常感谢。
2000	If you love this episode, you'll love my call.	如果你喜欢这集,你会喜欢我的电话。

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